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Steve Rogers ([info]captainhandsome) wrote in [info]snapthread,
@ 2019-06-15 10:32:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:bucky barnes (mcu), steve rogers (mcu)

Who: Steve Rogers (mcu) and Bucky Barnes (mcu)
What: A few old friends
Where: Outside Bucky's place
When: Friday evening
Rating: Low


It had been a heck of a time. Perhaps not for the world around him, in fact things had been quiet there and Steve had been focused on building his gym, something to do with his hands, something to pass the time. But for the people, his people, it had been tough. Too many revelations, pain and misunderstandings. But good things too, important things. But for him and Bucky it had been quiet. His friend had wanted space and time, something they'd both needed and of course Steve had given it to him. When they saw each other it wasn't like they ran in opposite directions or ignored each other, it was a small place, there had been nods, waves, perhaps a clap on the shoulder in passing. It had been strange but it hadn't been awful.

There had been more than enough awful to make up for it elsewhere.

He and Tony had gone through the door and he'd come back with a new friend and Steve had found that he liked to stretch his legs and he could relate. So before it got dark Steve headed out for a run, throwing a stick ahead of him which his Pokemon chased after eagerly. They were on their way home when he caught sight of Bucky and he lifted his hand to wave on his way past.

The last time they'd stood here, Steve had yelled, so many things had been said and he felt almost like you could sense it there now like it hung in the air. But it passed, like most things did. Steve slowed as he wiped his brow with his arm, so it didn't look like he was actively running past him.

It had hurt to have Natasha talk about what had happened between him and Bucky so casually and Steve knew there were some hurts that weren't ever going to really go away. He'd always been a stubborn man and to keep the important people in his life he was going to have to just let things go, not push them down and carry them with him like the walking wounded. Bucky deserved to be happy, they all did and wherever they found that little slice of happiness, well that was where they found it. Steve was glad he had someone to confide in and how that made him feel had to not matter if they were going to move forward.


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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-15 07:17 pm UTC (link)
It wasn't that Bucky was actively avoiding Steve. He wasn't at all. He just needed time, as he'd said. Harboring feelings for someone for the better portion of a century (because even under HYDRA's control, those feelings were there and the whole reason Steve had even been able to break that mind control twice) didn't exactly make it easy to just let it go. What he had to figure out wasn't necessarily that he should let it go, but rather, he had to evolve. The feelings could still exist, just had to be refocused and transitioned into loving Steve as his best friend.

When they saw each other, he would offer a little smile but they still had yet to actually talk much since the day Steve had come over and they'd broken up, for lack of better words. Moving forward had been hard at first; sometimes it felt impossible. But he'd been doing it. Being in a relationship with Clint and Natasha had been a big part of that. Them being in his life allowed him to feel other things besides the extreme sadness, the loneliness, and the overall feeling of being lost when what used to be one of the few constants in his life no longer could be there at all; not in that capacity anyway.

That evening, he'd been outside his house hanging out with the little Pokemon he'd brought home with him. They'd both bonded over being someone who people kind of shied away from because they looked grumpy most of the time but underneath it all actually had soft hearts and could be very loving when they felt so inclined. As soon as Bucky had seen how other Pokemon ran away from the little pink dog he'd immediately decided he needed to take him home. They'd been bonding ever since.

A figure running nearby had caught his eye and of course, it was Steve. Steve, running with what looked like some kind of dog. So of course, Snubbull started to run toward it because he wanted a friend. "Whoa, wait--" But it was too late and Bucky had to run after his companion which took him right in the path of Steve. The pink dog started jabbering in the way Pokemon tended to do, as Bucky had learned, so Bucky looked at Steve, a little unsure. "Sorry, he-- He keeps trying to make new friends."

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-16 05:16 am UTC (link)
They were in a bit of a mess, but Steve knew Bucky and he knew them and if they could get through everything they had and come back to life and find each other again? Well they could get through this easy. It would just take some time and time they had. But Steve missed him, they hadn't gone this long without really talking when they'd both been alive and with sound mind since they'd met. They were brothers, complicated inappropriate brothers, but family anyway in every single way that mattered and Steve wasn't about to let him go.

Being with Tony, his first and only real relationship was special and fragile in as many ways as it was strong. Steve loved him, had loved him a long time and he was scared about how Bucky would take that after everything. But he wasn't about to choose one over the other, things between the two men in his life might have been tense but that wasn't up for consideration.

Bucky's Pokemon rushed toward them and Steve's growlithe's hackles raised. "Yeah, me too, I get it," Steve said with a laugh as he squatted down to put himself at eye level with the pink dog. "Hey Buddy," he said gently as he held out his hand to him. Seeing Steve's eagerness to befriend the Snubbull his own Pokemon got a little closer and sniffed at him.

Steve looked up at Bucky then, because it was more than they'd said to each other in weeks and that was kind of nice. "Hey," he said with a smile.

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-16 12:59 pm UTC (link)
It might've seemed silly, having found himself actually relating to a Pokemon. But he knew what it was like. Trying to do good, to redeem himself and work on himself to be separated from his past -- more specifically fro. The Winter Soldier -- going as far as to completely disappear off the grid as he'd done in Romania to be as far removed as possible, to undergo intensive brain surgery and extensive therapy in Wakanda to eradicate that violent, murderous ghost from inside of him, but he'd never really be rid of it. People looked at him and still saw the Winter Soldier. Not a man, not Bucky Barnes. When he'd watched and saw first hand how the little pink dog tried so hard to just communicate with the other Pokemon around him only to have them run in fear because he looked so grumpy, and then saw Snubbull crying in the aftermath, he had to take him home. He'd be his companion.

He'd thought for sure he'd have to go through a hour of comforting his little friend again after this, but rather than continuing to run by, Steve had stopped to sort of interact with him. Bucky was shocked, and had uttered an apology and explanation to give Steve an out if he wanted to keep going. But instead Steve was looking at him and actually addressed him. It was just one word, but he could tell by the look on his oldest friend's face that this wasn't just some greeting in passing.

Of course he missed Steve. Other than Steve being frozen and Bucky being a brainwashed assassin for so many decades, they'd been as close as two people could be. They'd spent almost every single day together before the war, and after everything that happened they were still close, brothers bonded forever to each other. How could he not miss that?

Things had been very different here. They hadn't been so close. Steve had felt a million miles away and Bucky didn't really know how to handle that. And that was before they'd had their talk, their breakup, as it were. He backed off Snubbull and let the two Pokemon sniff each other so he could turn his attention to Steve. "Hey, Steve." He felt wary, unsure of himself and he didn't like that. He didn't like feeling that way in the presence of his best friend.

"How are you?" It might've sounded like a casual question, like something anyone could ask anyone else, but there was a weight to his words, because they both should know how the other was doing. They both should still be in each other's lives.

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-16 09:55 pm UTC (link)
Steve knew what Bucky had gone through, he'd been there to see it unfold and he'd protected his friend fiercely against every threat because he knew who he really was. So Steve got it quite quickly really, when the furious looking Pokemon rushed him and Bucky's explanation hot on its heals. With Steve showing no fear his own Pokemon picked up on that and while he stayed behind his legs for a moment he slowly emerged bit by bit. "Be gentle with our new friend," Steve warned his Pokemon as he got closer. They were just two dogs, them and the Pokemon really, trying to make their way.

He'd have kept it casual, taken off on his way if he'd felt like Bucky didn't want him there. But he'd come out a little and he was lingering and Steve didn't actually want to go. Steve missed so much of their youth, sure there were parts he didn't like to think of, how poor they'd been and Steve's health had left a lot to be desired. But things had been so simple, simple and good and Steve missed that, he missed Bucky. But they'd both changed since then, changed and grown.

When Bucky had arrived and stayed back from him it had been the start of something different. Steve hadn't expected him, he'd thought he was dead and that was before people had started showing up, people he knew and knew to be gone. He'd been living with Tony and Bucky had been confused, they'd all kind of been confused. But it had been the start of their 'breakup' Steve realized now looking back.

They could have left it at hey, commented on the weather, kept the talk to Pokemon. But Bucky asked how he was and Steve knew that meant he wanted to know. "It's been a lot," Steve said quietly. What with Tony being dead and married in the future, with Natasha being so upset with him, then his own pain on top of it all, a lot seemed the only accurate description. "But there's been a lot of good with the bad. Some great, too." Steve straightened up, content the Pokemon seemed okay together.

"What about you, Buck?" Steve asked openly.

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-18 01:34 am UTC (link)
It was a difficult situation, truly. Of course he missed Steve. Steve was his best friend, his closest friend. And it hurt, that he didn't know what all was going on with Steve right now. It didn't feel right not knowing what his best friend was dealing with, or anything of the sort. It made Steve seem more like a stranger than his best friend and that wasn't a good feeling at all. But Bucky hadn't been kidding when he said he needed time. He'd needed time to heal, to come back from what all they'd said and done, fought about and lamented. He needed to take that first step without there being that lingering 'what if' thought in the back of his mind when it came to his and Steve's relationship. It'd hurt, but he'd done it. And then he took another step. And another. And all those steps led him to Natasha and Clint. And he was happy.

But he hadn't been able to share that with Steve, and that hurt. Things were complicated, tangled up and wrong. Even their casual waves felt awkward and off because that wasn't them. Broken up or not, Steve would always be important. Bucky loved him, even though he wasn't in love with him anymore. Finally, he could think that and not break down.

"That sounds like how it's been for me too," he said. "I'm happy, in a lot of ways. I've had time to sort of.. figure it out." Bucky was watching the two dog Pokemon start to figure it out, too. His gaze returned to Steve. "I feel better than I did that day when you came over," he said. "But I was heartbroken, Steve. It's not easy to put something like that to rest."

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-18 11:05 pm UTC (link)
That was the thing; everything felt wrong. Not because they weren't together, that things between them would never be more than friendly, or because they were both nursing broken hearts. It felt wrong because despite everything they'd always been best friends, they'd shared what they were doing and supported each other selflessly. They were both doing their own thing, cultivating connections with other people but what felt wrong was that Steve was only catching glimpses of Bucky from the outside and not hearing it from him.

He nodded, he'd assumed while they'd been apart and doing their own things that a lot of what they were going through in regards to each other was the same. The same feelings and regrets, the only two people who knew what it was like to move on from what they'd harbored for lifetimes. The distance had done them both good, made room to feel new things for new people and for fresh hurts to heal.

"I was too," Steve said and boy was he glad for the Pokemon giving him something to look at because it made it a little easier. "But I want you to be happy, you know I do and I don't want to hurt you, not ever."

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-19 06:32 pm UTC (link)
The space they'd taken was entirely necessary. It wasn't something that had been easy to ask for, or even to really take once it was granted, but they'd needed it. Bucky had needed to take the time to let his heart mend itself and really allow him to explore the feelings he had for both Natasha and Clint without everything with Steve hindering him from feeling those emotions to their fullest potential. He had to take the 'what if' scenario out of the equation all together, and that had been hard -- painful even -- but he'd done it and was better off for it. Steve, it seemed, was too. They had a chance and didn't take it together, but they had the chance to take it with other people and they'd done so. Now it was a matter of finding their way back to each other in a way that worked for them both.

Above all things, they'd always been the best of friends. If they could fall back on that, rely upon that bond and the brotherhood they'd shared for so long, then maybe things would be all right. This was a hard conversation to have, but Bucky hoped -- truly hoped -- that after having it then their next conversation would be easier. And the next even better, until they finally found that sense of normalcy again. Bucky missed his best friend. He missed their connection, even at its most basic before all the complex romantic undertones came into play.

"I know," he said. "I don't want to hurt you either, Steve. All I've ever wanted for you, since we were little kids, was for you to have a happy life. And I hoped I'd always be in it, in whatever capacity I could be. You met and found someone who means the world to you. And if you're happy, that's what matters. I want that for you. I'm not going to begrudge you or him for it. I hope you can be happy for me, too. And I hope, as it gets a little easier, that we can talk about them with each other. Because as much as I needed the space, I don't want to have it forever. If you still need it though, I get it. I can keep my distance." He glanced down at the two Pokemon who now were kind of chattering at each other pleasantly. "These two might miss each other, though."

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-20 01:35 pm UTC (link)
Steve did feel better for it, having taken that time he and Tony were closer and he felt like he'd made room to feel things he'd never let himself feel before. But for Steve the 'what if' would never really be gone, because they might go back to a future where Tony and Natasha were no more, where Clint wasn't Clint, where anything could be. Steve felt sure there was a time and place where there was a Steve and a Bucky who were happy together, it just wasn't them here. But that 'what if' wouldn't plague him anymore, because their present was what they'd chosen and the future would be what it would be.

They were lucky really, when he thought about it. What if they'd disagreed on what they'd wanted, one not wanting to move on but wanting the other? The rejection, the hurt, that even Steve doubted they could have come back from. They were lucky they were so in tune to one another, both starting the process of moving on without really talking about it, with a little bit of luck and good timing thrown in. About time something went their way. Underneath all the frills, the feelings and repressed urges was a connection so strong that it had brought them both back from the dead and that was something Steve wasn't ever going to walk away from.

The kids they'd been seemed so long ago and Steve had had to come to terms with watching Bucky be happy with someone else when they'd still been teenagers. But this was bigger than that, it wasn't teenage nonsense anymore. "I love him," Steve said quietly and it would have been easy to think he might have been talking about his Pokemon if you didn't know him better. It wasn't the sort of thing Steve said easily, but it was very much the truth. "I'm real happy for you, Buck and I don't need distance from that. Besides I wouldn't want to put these guys through it."

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-21 09:57 pm UTC (link)
They'd wound up in a position where they'd both been able to find their way back to love with others although when they'd parted ways that day Bucky hadn't been so sure he'd be able to find it again. After everything with Steve, he'd gone to both Natasha and Clint to tell them how he felt, knowing the two of them had already found each other and that he likely wouldn't have anything to show for his honesty other than the knowledge that he'd been open with the people he cared for and could say he put himself out there to the fullest extent. For a time after that he'd been terribly lonely, sad, and resided to the fact that he was going to stay alone. Thankfully it hadn't ended up like that, but there was a stint of time where he believed it would.

In the end, Clint and Natasha had come to him with the idea of them all trying this relationship out together because neither of them had wanted to let their feelings for him go. And that, well, that had meant everything to Bucky. He was important enough to them both that they were letting him into the life they'd started building because they wanted him to play a part in it.

Hearing that Steve loved Tony and assuming then that things were really working out for them, Bucky was glad for him. He meant it when he said all he'd wanted for so long was for Steve to be happy. If they could now both be happy and be happy for each other, then there wasn't much more they could ask for at this point.

"No, wouldn't want that," he agreed. He looked up at Steve again, away from the two dogs who'd become best friends, it seemed. "It's gonna be okay now, Steve. We are, I mean. We're okay."

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-23 09:44 pm UTC (link)
Bill had always trusted Bucky, he'd trusted him as children, during the war, heck he'd even trusted him as The Winter Solider, to see him and for their bond to be enough to bring him back. So when he told him they were okay, Steve was going to believe him. That's what he wanted, that's what he'd always wanted. Bucky deserved a life, after everything he deserved the warmth and safety of real love and maybe he'd found that.

It was unconventional and Steve was going to worry, it was what he did best, but he wasn't going to judge. Bucky was an adult now, not a wayward youth and trusting him meant that Steve was going to trust his choices. Even then it didn't really matter what he thought, this was something that had nothing to do with him and that was going to take some getting used to because usually Bucky and his life were exclusively Steve's business. Their relationships, all of them, had changed and shifted and losing things left room for new things.

"We're always okay," Steve assured him as he reached out to lay his hand on Bucky's shoulder and gave a firm squeeze. It warmed his heart to see the two dogs, maybe just what they needed right then, something light. Things between Bucky and Tony were a disaster and Natasha was cold and distant toward him in a way Steve couldn't fix, but he hoped that wouldn't hurt a bond that had survived lifetimes.

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-24 11:18 pm UTC (link)
It wouldn't be normal if the two of them weren't worried about the other in some capacity. Bucky had been worrying about Steve since they were in elementary school. It wasn't like that would just stop now. Just like he knew Steve wouldn't stop worrying about him no matter how often he assured him he was fine. Even in happiness, worry was always going to linger. It was just what you did when you loved someone in any capacity.

But they could be okay. Bucky felt like they were in a place where they could see each other and actually stop to talk, or walk together instead of apart. It wouldn't be right to keep up the distance between them. As soon as he felt the familiar weight of Steve's hand on his shoulder, Bucky felt like the weight of their rift had lifted. "It's not the end of the line," he said, and smiled a little. "Not even close." He reached up with his other arm and wrapped it around Steve's shoulders so he could hug his best friend.

One day he might feel ready to ask Steve more about Tony, because he wanted to be supportive. If Stark was important to Steve, then in turn he kind of had to be important to Bucky by default. There was a list of issues a mile long between him and Stark, but since Steve loved him it kind of propelled Bucky into wanting to maybe sort them out. Maybe. If he was going to be the best friend he could be to Steve, then he needed to at least be able to be in the same vicinity as his significant other and not feel so ... well, bad.

Slowly, he drew back from Steve and let his hand drop. "We should go have a drink at Pancho's soon. Shoot the shit a little. I gotta learn more about Stark if you're gonna be running around with him, right?"

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-25 10:14 am UTC (link)
Things had relaxed some, time healed and all and Steve knew that they weren't instantly going to be back to normal. No because it would take time to create a new normal, to figure out how to keep the good parts of their relationship and let go of the inappropriate and painful. But they'd started and they'd had the space and now Steve wanted to integrate back into one another's space. Bucky's words had him smiling and he hugged him firmly in return. "It's never going to be," he promised him quietly.

It wasn't the time to launch into it now, Steve was sweaty from his run and they should take things a little slower, get each other used to it. But Steve wanted to share things with Bucky, to tell him about how good it was and how he was worried Tony was going to get tired of his old fashioned habits. He even wanted to hear about what was going on with Bucky, Natasha and Clint, to prove that they could make this work.

They parted and Steve stepped back, his hands sliding into his pockets. "That sounds like a great idea," he said sincerely. "We can trade stories, kiss and tell and everything," Steve said as he punched Bucky playfully in the shoulder.

Their two little dogs were playing some kind of little game chasing each other back and forth and Steve smiled fondly. "How about I leave him here with you while I finish my run, go shower then come back later? They can keep playing."

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-25 07:55 pm UTC (link)
They were still sort of feeling things out, and that was okay. It would've been unrealistic to think that even after taking some time to heal that things would just bounce back like nothing had ever happened. That in of itself would just discredit the fact that they were both hurting and needing to heal, and that wouldn't be fair to them. But they both knew that the other was still vitally important to their lives, and they needed each other. Bucky needed his best friend, and he always would. Steve's words assured him that the feeling was mutual.

Although he was a little unsure if he'd be able to hear about Stark without feeling at least some pain in his heart, there was no way Bucky would know until they tried it. And he meant it when he said he was happy for Steve. He needed to be able to hear about that part of his life because he didn't want them to keep anything from each other anymore. That was exactly how they'd lost their chance to try to be together themselves, and though things had worked out the way they did and they were both happy, Bucky didn't want to make the same mistake and lose out on any aspect of their friendship.

"Sure," he said. "That'd be fine. Looks like they're already inseparable." He hadn't seen his Snubbull so happy since he'd brought him to town. Bucky felt compelled to say a little more, to tell Steve how happy he was to see him, that they were talking again. But he reined it in a little. Hopefully it'd show in his smile, and in the fact that they were going to see each other again in just a little while.

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-27 08:48 am UTC (link)
There was always going to be moments when they were struck with a certain sadness, a pang of what might have been. But Steve knew now they'd get fewer and further between, the healing could begin and they'd have room to love other people. It had been a long time, all his life, since he'd let that happen and he loved Tony, he was stupid for him and that never would have happened if he'd stayed hung up on Bucky Barnes forever. What he hoped was they could be better friends now, could share what was making them happy not just a silent and not so secret longing.

But it would be better to ease into that one, give each other some more time before they started singing their new partner's praises. They could take it slow, they were champions at that, after all.

It was good to see them bonding, he wanted his Buddy to have friends and it seemed like Bucky's Snubbull had really needed one too. The excitement was mutual, along with the relief, he'd been half terrified Bucky was never going to be okay enough for them to try to get back to being not just friends but family. "And one day real soon we'll get that drink?"

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-06-27 07:23 pm UTC (link)
One of the realest, truest traits of the relationship he and Steve had shared for nearly a century was that neither of them was willing to give up the other. Even when the situation was dire -- Steve stuck on one end of a burning building and Bucky refusing to leave without him; "No, not without you!" -- Bucky a brainwashed killing machine beating the life out of Steve; "You know me." -- Or now, having to rework what was there into something else because things, and they, had changed. They weren't willing to just let go of each other. They had to heal, it was taking time, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel and they were getting there. They'd started that journey at their separate corners but now they had to come out of it together, side by side, like they always had with everything in life.

In an ideal world, yes, they would be able to talk about their significant others like it was no big deal. 'You'll never guess what Clint said in his sleep last night..' But they weren't quite there yet. They weren't in the ideal, but they'd manage. And they weren't going to get there by avoiding it. They needed to go get that drink. Bucky needed Steve to fill in those gaps of years where he'd been on the run and before that, to learn about Steve and Tony. He wanted those puzzle pieces. And maybe one day he'd mend things with Stark. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to. But he'd told Stark to get his shit together with Steve first and it looked like they had. So maybe it was time. Or the time was really near where he and Stark needed to have a conversation.

Baby steps.

They needed to get that drink first.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "Real soon. How 'bout this weekend?"

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-06-29 10:57 pm UTC (link)
They were both as stubborn as each other. It would have been so much easier to just walk away from this, this sad and drawn out heartbreak of a thing between them. But they weren't people who took the easy way out. It needed work and honesty and that terrified Steve in a lot of ways. But he was still here because at the end of the day their friendship and Bucky was worth fighting for. He hadn't done all that he'd done and hurt the people he'd hurt just to lose him now. They'd been brothers once and Steve wanted to get back to that, to people who could share everything and not be jealous of the other people in their lives.

It wouldn't be easy but he wanted to hear about Clint, about the man in his life and feel fond not hurt. Steve knew he'd get there and he wouldn't stop until he did. When Steve Rogers set his heart on something, well it tended to happen. He held out hope that Bucky and Tony would be able to be more than just civil, they'd like each other if given half a chance and Steve hoped what had happened could be something of the past.

"You're on," Steve confirmed easily. "Carol's got this whiskey from some other planet that might kill a regular fella, so it'll be like the good old days."

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[info]sgt_barnesjb
2019-07-01 08:51 pm UTC (link)
No matter what context or capacity it was in, the relationship between Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers was too important to ever let go. They couldn't lose each other, and because of that they'd both been doing what they had to in order to get to a place mentally and emotionally where they could be friends again, and brothers. Were they not both as committed to each other as they had been and always would be, it never would've worked.

Just as it would be harder for Steve to hear about Bucky's relationships, it was hard for Bucky to hear about his. But he was in a position now where he felt it was going to be necessary. If they were going to be the best of friends and brothers, then they needed to be able to share everything with each other again. He didn't want to just be Steve's friend on the condition that they leave out their romantic partners. That wasn't real and it would be denying themselves and each other of a genuine connection. Hard as it might be, they needed to cross that bridge together.

"We'll see who drinks who under the table. Think we both know you're the light weight," he teased.

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[info]captainhandsome
2019-07-02 11:55 pm UTC (link)
Sometimes the hardest things were those most worth doing. Like perceiving with this hurt to get to a new place, a place where they could share. Who was Steve kidding? He was going to need advice, someone to turn to who could give him a slap over the back of the head and tell him to get it together. Seeing Bucky now he knew they'd both done some work by themselves already and it already lessened that squeezing feeling in his chest.

"I'd argue, but you've had way more practice," Steve said with a laugh.

And it was good, it was so good to laugh. Things between them weren't just going to be okay, they were going to be better than ever without all the turmoil they'd brought upon each other by loving so fiercely.

Whatever wasn't good? Well, it would be.

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