InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "We don't need rings or vows..."

mr. bucket; buckets of fun (sgt_barnesjb) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-05-21 09:31:00

Entry tags:

!partner thread, bucky barnes (mcu), natasha romanoff (mcu)

WHO: Bucky Barnes (MCU) and Natasha Romanoff (MCU)
WHAT: In depth talking about difficult things
WHERE: By the lake
WHEN: Evening, around sunset
RATING: TBD but probably not high?

Venturing out after being a shut in for so many days was still a daunting task. The ache in his chest was still very prominent; emotional healing wasn't something the serum helped to speed up. Bucky didn't do well with that and as a result all he'd wanted to do was stay hidden away in his house. Natasha and Clint had sort of put a stop to that when they came over with cake, and that had gotten him moving and functioning again. He was showering, eating, keeping up with his clothing. In other words, going through the motions. He was in survival mode, which was better than no mode at all as he'd been before they came to check on him. But it wasn't really living. Bucky wasn't going to be able to do that until he really faced what happened with Steve so he could put it behind him and move forward. That was what he'd said he needed to do, and what he knew he needed to do, but it was hard.

Hard, but maybe not impossible. One of the reasons he and Steve had finally faced each other with the truth of what was going on in their hearts was because they both had developed feelings for other people. In Bucky's case, two people. To complicate it a little more, Bucky knew that Natasha and Clint had feelings for each other too. It was what it was. None of them had really kept it a secret from each other. He and Clint were still kind of feeling each other out, and Bucky was really wanting to keep that going and see what happened. But he also knew that his feelings for Natasha were already there, left over from years ago, and he wanted her to know that. But to do that, she needed to know everything and that wasn't an easy conversation to have. He didn't put any expectations on what would come of it. In fact, he didn't think anything would. She cared about him, they shared a pretty intense past, but he also knew that she'd found Clint here, and if that was what she wanted and what he wanted, then he wanted he wanted it for them both. He just thought that, after spending so much time not talking about his feelings with Steve and how that ended up, that he needed to not let history repeat itself.

They'd agreed to meet by the lake, so Bucky left his house and walked to the lake. She was already there, near the water, and for a moment he just stood there and looked at her. It was so different, seeing her this way, outside. She took his breath away. His heart was still broken, not yet mended but that didn't mean a good part of it didn't belong to her. Bucky approached her then, and tucked a bit of his hair behind his ear.

"It's still weird," he said. "To talk to you outside."

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-23 01:26 pm UTC (link)

"I know, lisichka," he said after she'd assured him she never wanted him hurt. The warmth and weight of her leaning into him was a comfort he embraced even though he was sitting perfectly still. "And if that's all this can ever be, know I'm forever grateful to have your love as it is. I'd never, ever ask you to compromise what you have with him. I wouldn't do that to him, either." Bucky had told her in so many words that he had come to care a great deal for Clint, more than a little bit. He felt a connection to him that he was still trying to work out and maybe he needed to stop that, too, since he knew Clint was in love with her. Clint had been the wrong person to try to fall on his own arrow to take himself out of the equation. Bucky was the one who needed to tap out.

"I care about him too," he said. "You know that. I need to tell him, right? He should know?" Because it was possible that maybe it'd be better for Clint if he didn't. They'd only kind of started feeling each other out before Natasha came to town and though they'd really hit it off and he felt a connection there, they'd not acted on it or done more beyond some innocent flirting and just kind of being there. They could call it a day and still get away with it, only having that 'what if' feeling creep up every now and then.

He looked at her, and raised his hand to lightly touch and hold the arrow charm on her neck. "Or maybe I should get one of these, too." To that, he smiled a little.

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hourglasss
2019-05-24 09:54 pm UTC (link)

Natasha laughed - a quick laugh, a small one, but a laugh nonetheless as his fingers circled the arrow that lay in the hollow of her throat. If anyone else had touched it, it would have felt like a trespass, like something that had always belonged so entirely to Clint. She knew the affect it had on him the moment his eyes had landed on it, the way he'd kept his thumb over the imprint it had left in her skin, the way he liked to kiss her just beneath it. It should have been off limits, but James's hand on it - that made sense, to her. That seemed right. It wasn't a surprise, somehow, either that he would want to touch it or that it would not upset her, when he did.

"Yes. He should know," she said, complete agreement on that, because a person ought to have all the information. Because if she was done carrying her private grief and pain and longings around with her, she would never ask anyone to do the same thing. Not now; it had taken dying for her to learn that it was worth nothing, that silence, that festering, that ache. James cared for him, and Clint should be aware.

She wondered, for a moment, just one fleeting moment, if it would be enough to change Clint's mind, and then she put it aside. He loved her, she was sure enough of that, but if it would, it would. Neither of them would ever say it, but in a way, Natasha was the one who had intruded, here. Who had burst in from her own world - not by her own choice, but still - and as a result, she had burst into their lives at the exact moment that something might have happened with them. They deserved to be able to put that on the table, too.

"If there's one feeling in the world I can empathize with, it's being besotted with Clint Barton," she added, and curled her fingers around his wrist, still tangled up in her chain. "I've lived a lot of years knowing what it's like to never - be able to tell him. I wouldn't wish that onto anyone, James." She squeezed his wrist. "And if he feels the same, if that's a chance he wants, too, don't - don't deprive yourselves of each other by using me as an excuse. Promise me that, okay?" He'd been - so gracious here, he'd been the bigger person. She could offer him the same. It would be hard. Impossibly hard, maybe, but she had done it before. She'd be able to do it again. "Promise it."

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-24 10:45 pm UTC (link)

Him promising her wasn't going to make a whole lot of a difference, and Bucky knew that. He knew, even after getting the confirmation from Natasha that he should tell Clint how he felt, it wouldn't change anything. Bucky knew Clint was in love with her, and if he knew Clint the way he truly believed he did, that wasn't something Clint would just say because he was in lust with her or because he could just say it and not really mean it. They were alike in that sense. And he'd be lying if he said that didn't hurt. Bucky was being honest when he said he was happy for them. He was, and always would be. But he was still hurting inside too. He didn't hold either of them responsible for it, just as he hadn't blamed Steve for them closing the door on the idea of them ever acting on what once had been. There was no sense in that. You couldn't help how you felt about people. Emotions weren't something to be controlled. Bucky felt especially strong about that after having been forced not to feel anything at all for so long.

But it did hurt; knowing that even though Natasha loved him, it wasn't enough. Even though Clint might feel the same way he did, it wasn't enough. It hadn't been enough with Steve, either. How could he not feel inadequate? Would it have changed anything if he'd been brave enough to tell her the truth in Wakanda? Or if he'd told Clint he wanted to maybe act more on those flirtations before she'd arrived? Probably not. The sad thing is, he wouldn't ever know the answers to those questions, and he wasn't going to even bother asking. He had to accept what was, and hope that like with Steve, the pain was going to lessen in time.

"I promise," he said. He lifted his metal hand and passed it through her hair. "But please don't worry about that, okay? It isn't going to be an issue." He let both of his hands drop and stepped back. "And please don't worry about me, if after I tell him you don't see me for a bit. I'm just going to need some time, okay?"

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hourglasss
2019-05-26 05:44 pm UTC (link)

"Time. Of course," Natasha echoed. It made absolute sense. Even if you still wanted someone in your life, after a conversation like this - where old wounds and far-reaching longings were laid bare on both sides and still nothing was going to come of it, of course you would need time to put it side and try to move into the next phase. No matter how much she hated the thought of distance when they'd only just found each other again. For the life of her, she could not imagine what friendship with James Barnes might look like. She couldn't imagine a time when she wouldn't feel this much, when she looked at him. This kind of powerful attraction, for one thing, but also this - this indefinable but unquestionable sensation of mine that she had always felt, whenever she looked at him.

But she had learned how to bottle that. Hadn't she? Since he'd emerged on a highway in DC with his focus aimed at her, at Steve, at Sam - she had learned how to give the appearance that this was a man who meant nothing more to her than what he meant to Steve, instead of the first thing she had ever found herself capable of loving.

She wanted to touch him. She wanted to run her hands through his hair, pull him close, pull his mouth to hers, beg for his forgiveness, explain that it wasn't as though she had moved on so much as it was that other things had moved in, that she wouldn't know how to love like this if it hadn't been for him in the first place -

But it would hurt him more. It would. If she crawled into his lap right now and let her body talk for her - the way they had always used to do whenever they fumbled for the words - it would only do more damage. It would only taste like the future she was telling him couldn't exist for them, even though they had finally arrived together somewhere it could have.

She wet her lips, trying to think of what to say that wouldn't only twist the knife. I'm sorry was all she could reach for, but even that - it would mean she was looking for him to absolve her from something he had to absorb the bulk of the hurt for, and that would be for her, too. "Could we sit here for awhile?" she asked, quietly. "Before time starts. Would that be all right?"

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-27 06:13 pm UTC (link)

Maybe he ought to ask her for some advice. Natasha had been forced to carry their history herself for years, before Bucky was able to remember it on his own. He didn't know how she did it. Time, he guessed? Time for her to bury it, to move on. They'd been in an impossible situation that they both knew was going to wind up blowing up in their faces but they also had been under the impression that they were going to die because of it. It'd been far worse. How had she managed?

Like her, he wanted to touch. Bucky wanted to hold her, run his fingers through her hair, kiss her, look into her eyes, all the things he used to do while loving her with every beat of his fucking heart. At least she knew the truth; at least he'd been able to have the chance to say it now, after everything, that he was in love with her. Bucky had to at least be grateful for that, even if it only brought with it immense sadness.

"Of course," he replied. "I was hoping you'd want that." Because if he could cling to just a few more minutes of having her near, where he could zone out and not think about the fact that this wasn't something he could have, then he'd take it.

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