Tweak

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Tweak says, "Not everything."

Steve Rogers (captainhandsome) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-05-20 14:41:00

Entry tags:

steve rogers (mcu), tony stark (mcu)

Who: Steve Rogers and Tony Stark
What: Talking and drinking
When: Evening
Where: Their house
Rating: Are we still warning for spoilers? Spoilers and feels and maybe other stuff.

Steve had been keeping to himself more than usual, sure he was still his friendly self, greeting people and staying on top of making Starklandia safe and as comfortable as it could be. But he was hurting and when Steve hurt, he tended to hide himself away. There was one person he couldn't hide from though, because he'd said that he wouldn't and he'd meant what he'd said, a Steve was faithful one hundred percent. But Tony knew him and he was giving him the space to Not Talk About It. So Steve hadn't withdrawn from him so much as just withdrawn, he stayed quiet in the chair on the other side of the porch, his feet kicked up and a large sketch book open in his lap.

Usually he liked to do landscapes, but he wasn't really thinking and what was coming out of the pencil was a bit of a collection of different parts of Tony. There was various angles of his face, sketches of his eyes and he'd moved onto his hands. He didn't even need to look up at him, Steve knew the parts of him so well it came easily from memory.

Somewhere in the 1940's, lost now and destroyed there had been sketchbooks full of things like this, pages of Bucky because then he'd been Steve's favourite subject. He was heartbroken and he knew that Tony had a pretty good idea why, but that he was also the one he wanted, the one he chose for a reason and one of those reasons was that Steve didn't need to be perfect for him, he just needed to show up.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-21 02:40 am UTC (link)

Steve didn't want to ever get to the point where he'd wish he'd never known Bucky, never loved him like he had. Because they'd been so much to each other over the years and while it hurt now, hurt because they were closing a door on something that hadn't happened, it was still worth it.

He could see Tony wasn't comfortable and he could understand why, hoped he wasn't worried about where this was going. Steve covered his hand over his chest, gently rubbing his thumb across his knuckles. "I yelled," Steve said with a shrug. Which had been stupid of him, really stupid. "And we fought." It seemed like an invasion to go into who'd said what to who, to talk about the kiss and the dance and everything that they'd gone through that night.

"All that time, he wanted me too and we were just too blind and too scared to have it and now," Steve smiled sadly as he looked up into his eyes. "And now it's over and it's time to just let it go. To let each other go because as much as that breaks my heart? It belongs to someone else now."

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allaboutego
2019-05-21 02:57 am UTC (link)

Steve's hand over his at least stilled Tony from his anxiety fueled fidgeting, but he wasn't sure he actually felt any better about the topic as a whole. How could he? HIs mind didn't work like that, not really. Instead he thought up a million scenarios and started working out the math for which outcome was most likely. A Stephen Strange moment, but without the glowing green lights or magic.

Jealousy (over what, Tony didn't really know) wasn't the same as two people who felt the same way coming to a mutual decision to just not act on something they'd always wanted to.

It would not be the first time that Steve chose someone else (that exact someone) over Tony, his brain supplied rather unhelpfully.

"Yeah?" He asked, tone coming out more brittle and vulnerable than what he ever should have allowed himself. Maybe those kinds secrets and hidden reserves in strength were just stolen things when his feet couldn't even touch the floor. "That's it? Just like that? And then you sit around being sad until you aren't anymore?"

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captainhandsome
2019-05-21 01:29 pm UTC (link)

Steve didn't want to tell him this, it wasn't exactly nice and there were far more pleasant things that they could be discussing. But he also felt that he needed to, that being honest was what was best for them. Tony was smart, he'd know something had happened and it was better to hear the truth from Steve than to make it up in his own head.

Tony looked as vulnerable as Steve felt and he tightened his arm around him. "Not just like that, it's all a long time coming," he reminded him quietly. The last thing he wanted was to make Tony feel insecure in this, but it was reasonable that he would, Steve knew he would in his position.

It wasn't that Steve was sad about what wouldn't be, he was lucky and he wanted exactly what he had, but he was sad for their younger selves and he was still coming to terms with letting it all go. "You have me, remember? I meant that," Steve said as he looked up into his eyes. "And anything I could have with anyone else wouldn't work because of that and I wouldn't want it to."

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allaboutego
2019-05-21 10:16 pm UTC (link)

Tony was smart. Of course he'd known something had happened, but even with Steve telling him -- vague details, at best -- Tony was still likely to make up a few details on his own. Well, not make up, exactly. He'd come up with a math equation that fit all the variables and come up with some sort of answer based on facts. It was just what he did.

A long time coming. Maybe. That wasn't lacking in accuracy, he supposed. Considering that Steve wasn't the sort to ever Talk about things, it shouldn't have been much of a surprise that he'd let things go unsaid for a span nearly eighty years. That didn't mean Tony had to like it, or that he wouldn't feel insecure. Second best was simply the first loser, after all.

He chewed his bottom lip for a moment before heaving out a sigh. "Honesty isn't something I doubt in you, Steve," he admitted after a beat, slightly warmed by his admission. At least, this kind of honesty was not doubted. "Omission, though." Well. He didn't finish that thought because he didn't want to get into it. He wanted to get over it.

"So, what?" He asked after a beat. "You just shook hands and called it a lose/win, best of luck to you in the future?"

Tony wondered, a little, if he was making too big a deal out of this.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-22 12:05 pm UTC (link)

Steve had never considered Tony to be second best, not even close. It was Tony who had got him to take the plunge, to want something more than he wanted to protect himself. But he could understand those insecurities, even if he hoped to be able to reassure him some and put this behind them to focus instead on a future together.

He was right though, Steve had been very guilty of lying by omission, keeping things from him and hurting him because of it. Steve could have continued to be vague and he wanted to, there were reasons, like that he didn't want to discuss something so private, or hurt him worse. But that might end them up somewhere neither wanted to be.

"I kissed him," Steve said after a beat. "I kissed him and he kissed me back and we said goodbye to holding candles for one another that haven't ever really burned." There was a chance Tony was going to be furious and he'd understand it, deserved it, but he hoped to avoid that. "And he's in love with Natasha and I'm spoken for and it's time to just let all of what never was go."

All he could hope was that Tony would understand and that telling him the real truth wouldn't backfire and make everything worse. "There isn't room in this for anyone but us and it was time to let myself have this with you."

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allaboutego
2019-05-22 11:09 pm UTC (link)

Steve wouldn't have been wrong there, avoiding or not discussing what had transpired would only mean for bad things down the line. Tony knew well enough to know that privacy was a different sort of beast when you were in a relationship that mattered.

Or, it should have been anyway.

Then again, Tony didn't love the truth either. It upped that tight feeling in his chest again and he had to free his hand from underneath Steve's -- had to move in general because he was rife with twitchy, nervous energy (and also, maybe, because he didn't want to be cuddling Steve while he talked about how he'd kissed another man after they'd gotten together). So he stood up, paced the deck once - the wood of it a grounding presence against his feet.

He wasn't angry. That wasn't it. He was just -- thinking. Working out the details and his general concerns. "Just had to get it out of your system," he murmured. "If you weren't going to get to do it again and never had before." Tony tried considering this -- what it might be like if he had to have a talk with Pepper. Or --something. He didn't think he'd do the same thing. But Steve wasn't him.

He paused mid-step and looked at Steve with an expression that was wary, cautious. "You've got to realize this is a pretty rocky way to start us out, right? What is it about us, Steve, where we just can't do something the normal way?"

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captainhandsome
2019-05-23 05:12 am UTC (link)

Steve couldn't keep it from him, but he also didn't feel as guilty as maybe he should have. Because it hadn't been like that, it hadn't felt romantic it had just felt like an ending. But if he was going to be in this completely, it meant not keeping things to himself even though he wanted to.

Tony was up and pacing and Steve ran both his hands through his hair as he watched him. Even if he wasn't angry, it wasn't good and Steve really did feel like he was never going to get anything right. It was impossible to explain it, to have anyone understand what it was like to have a relationship like he and Bucky did because no one had any life experience in that. So he couldn't fault Tony for not getting it and he wasn't wrong in being less than thrilled with Steve kissing someone else.

"I'm not proud of the timing and I hate that I did that to you. But I swear nothing like that will ever happen again," Steve said seriously. Things hadn't been that smooth to begin with and he knew he'd gone and made it a heck of a lot worse but he'd been so in the moment, the goodbye of something so important that he hadn't made the best choice. Steve could be sorry and wish things had happened differently and still know it had needed to happen.

"I'm pretty good at getting in my own way when it comes to being happy," Steve said.

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allaboutego
2019-05-23 06:25 pm UTC (link)

He wasn't -- it wasn't a planned way to make Steve worry about the state of both of them, but surely he had to be aware by now that Tony, with all his manic and nervous anxiety, wasn't the sort to ever sit still, particularly now when he was given something difficult to mull over. But even in the every day moments, he was just as articulate with his hands as he was his words. It just was what it was.

So he paced.

"The timing is bad," he said, a little sardonically. "You couldn't have done it, I don't know, directly before you slept with me?"

Maybe it shouldn't have bothered him. It wasn't like Tony was innocent in love by any means. He'd done things in the past. Terrible things, really. But none of those people counted. Not like Steve did.

He stopped in his pacing, hands at his sides and just looked at Steve for a long moment. "Would it be different? If he wasn't in love with someone else?" Which, actually, he made a note to talk to Natasha about because wasn't that wild. "I'm not -- I'm not accusing you of anything. I just. I'm not good at being happy either, Steve." But he wanted to be better at it, and he needed to know if this was something that was actually going to allow for that. Jesus fucking Christ, he wanted it to be so badly. Tony didn't think he was wrong in being wary - he so often felt like when he went for the things that he wanted the most desperately, that was when things really started going sideways.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-23 09:27 pm UTC (link)

They needed to work through this and that's what Steve reminded himself when the temptation to just retreat all got too much. Tony's anxiety was mirrored in Steve as well, because the fact that this could damage them beyond repair was real. He took it slow, making sure he said what he meant, because putting his foot in his mouth was something that happened.

"I didn't plan ahead to sleep with you," Steve said with raised eyebrows. "I wasn't sure it would lead to that, I wasn't even sure you'd want what I wanted. Want."

Steve didn't know the first thing about love or being in it, with a tragic history that was best not thought about. He stood up because the anxious energy was all just too much and he couldn't just sit there anymore. "Would I be with him now if there wasn't someone else?" Steve asked as he crossed the porch. He couldn't fault Tony for wanting reassurance and Steve wanted to give it to him as much as he could, to put this behind them. "No." He reached out to take Tony's hand, holding his fingers gentle in his own but giving him the space to pull away. "And even if you'd said no, that you didn't want this? It still wouldn't be different because you have me, regardless of if you want me or not."

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allaboutego
2019-05-23 10:41 pm UTC (link)

Tony stared at their hands in silence for a moment, just ... watching the way their fingers tangled together. The way he thought they were supposed to, and how it was something he'd wanted for years and years and then had hated himself for wanting still when Steve had broken his heart in the most literal sense ever in Siberia.

He wetted his lips, glanced away from a moment while he tried gathering his thoughts, getting himself to focus up a bit instead of thinking of the hows and whys and what ifs. He had enough What ifs in his life right now where another might just topple him.

Finally, he let out a little sniff of a noise, quite possibly a laugh. He did not pull away from Steve's touch, even if he didn't initiate more, not yet. "Giving yourself away to people who don't want you -- that'd be wildly unhealthy, you know." As if Tony hadn't done it in the past. But right now, he was mostly teasing, trying to get back to a place of comfort for the both of them.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-24 09:03 pm UTC (link)

Steve was ready for Tony's fingers to slip through his own and he was trying to prepare himself to let him go. That's how it happened, nothing gold could stay. He set his jaw so that the pain might not show on his face and he was ready to assure Tony it was okay, this was his own fault. But it didn't come. Tony hand stayed in his own and they watched, fingers entwined and Steve's heart maybe lifted a little out of the depths of his stomach.

His words, the laugh, it was like a massive weight off of his chest, he could breathe again. "I'm starting to see that," Steve said and his voice cracked a little. He gave his hand a gentle squeeze and reached out with his other to rest on his shoulder.

"I'm done with giving myself away, I'm spoken for," he said seriously. This was what he wanted, what he'd fought for and what had been on his mind for years now. Tony was one in a million and Steve knew this was what he wanted, there was no doubt in his mind as they stood together.

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allaboutego
2019-05-25 12:32 am UTC (link)

Apparently some things gold stayed. So long as that gold was a titanium alloy blend pieced together by nanobots.

Iron Man stayed.

And that wasn't really something new, not really. He'd tried being a constant for a long time now, tried making everyone aware that they knew exactly where to find him -- back home and here in Starklandia and that he was willing to be there for them. Long gone were the days where he was flighty, and uninterested or unwilling to make choices that lasted more than a night or a few weeks at a time or make connections that actually mattered. Tony never thought much of himself, not really, but he did know that he was more solid, in some regards. Practically a sure thing, for Steve.

"Good," he said, tone firm, and then - only then - did he squeeze back in that grip. "Keep that in mind the next time you go around thinking about kissing your New York Missed Connections." He didn't mean to make light of Steve's obvious troubles and feelings, but something had to give, and no one could ever say that Tony wasn't generous.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-25 04:31 am UTC (link)

They'd been friends and even then there had been this thing between them, this feeling that lingered and Steve just couldn't help but want him. But then they'd both been going through their own things and working themselves out. Steve had told himself he was just waiting until it was the right time to tell him how he felt, but it had been fear. But in the time he'd been waiting Tony had changed so much, grown into his own and Steve was more drawn int to him than ever.

He felt Tony squeeze him back and it was only then he felt a rush of relief, like he wasn't going to lose him then and there. "Easy. You're never far from being on my mind," he said with a little smile.

Steve wasn't sure what he was allowed to do, if it would be welcome, but he moved a little closer and leaned down. "Can I kiss you?" He asked softly. Up until then he'd had permission and might not have asked, but Steve thought best to know it was welcome. Tony might want more time, he doubted it but it seemed important to verbalize. "You're my nearly missed connection after all."

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allaboutego
2019-05-25 04:46 am UTC (link)

"Good," Tony said again, and this time it was genuinely amused. If he didn't have to hold on to his hurt and anger about things, he wasn't going to. Some things deserved to be let go, because Tony simply couldn't let it all bog him down until he was drowning himself anymore. Particularly not if he was invested in this. "I'd hate to have to try harder to get your attention."

He bit at the inside of his lip when Steve asked permission and was somehow warmed and annoyed over it at the same time. It was a little too hard to suss out the reasoning for those feelings though, and so he just let them happen without feeling a need for any vocal elaboration. "I think you'd better," he decided, stepping in a little closer. "And you should probably make it good, because while I might not need convincing, it wouldn't hurt if you acted like it, just for a bit."

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captainhandsome
2019-05-25 04:58 am UTC (link)

Steve stepped in and used his body to push Tony against the porch railing and sliding his fingers up the back of his neck to cup his head. "Try this for convincing." There was a smile curled in the corner of his mouth, how could there not be? Tony made him happy and in his life there hadn't actually been a lot to be truly happy about so he was going to grab it with both hands.

There was no starting slow, Steve far too eager to feel his mouth open against his own. He knew how close he'd come to not having this again and he squeezed Tony's hand as he kissed him hard and deep. It was the kind of kiss that made time feel like it was standing still, that everything around them ceased to exist and Steve made a soft appreciative noise in the back of his throat.

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allaboutego
2019-05-25 05:26 am UTC (link)

It was a good kiss by any measure. Tony always got a little giddy and stupid when Steve decided to push him up against walls or furniture, more so when he held onto him at the same time. Like a dichotomy of wanting so badly he couldn't be bothered not be pushy and being as gentle as possible with touch.

Certainly, it was convincing. And Tony kissed back like he meant it, squishing Steve's hand and using his other to grip at the railing behind him, because it wouldn't do to not keep his balance. The noise of approval was only met with teeth grazing against Steve's lower lip as Tony pulled away somewhat for a breath. There wasn't much in the way of places to go, and that was just fine. "A decent effort," Tony panted out, a little breathless.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-25 11:06 am UTC (link)

Steve had to remind himself to be gentle, not to grasp Tony hard because his hard was too much. But he liked to think he had a sense for it, that he'd always handle Tony like he was precious without thinking about it. But getting him up against something, now that was a guilty pleasure.

Tony biting at his lip like that sent electricity through him, no one had ever made him feel like that before. It wasn't like this was the first time he'd been with someone, although it was the first time it had been so important, but it felt so different with Tony. Steve chuckled at his comment, equally breathless as he slid his hand down his back. "Decent gives me something to work on I guess," he said as he brushed their lips together again. "Want to give me any pointers?"

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allaboutego
2019-05-25 04:51 pm UTC (link)

Tony didn't necessarily need, or even really want to be handled like he was constantly precious because he wasn't. He wasn't small or weak, and didn't want to be treated like he was. Sometimes, though. Sometimes he liked it because he knew Steve was doing it out of care and it made him feel just. Really important.

But being pressed up against stuff was even better.

He chased after Steve's mouth again, it made all the easier with his hand on his back, the fact that they were still so close to each other, like they were connected. One more kiss seemed appropriate, and even numbers were important. "I'll give you pointers later," he decided against Steve's lips. "You promised me pizza."

It'd be easy -- really easy -- to just fall into bed (or a convenient flat space) with Steve right now, but it would probably be the wiser, more mature thing to take a second and really let the moment sink in for the both of them.

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captainhandsome
2019-05-26 12:24 pm UTC (link)

He had promised him pizza and Steve, while he'd melted into him, knew that getting dinner rather than covering up hurt with something physical was a smart choice. Steve wanted to be intimate because of how strongly he felt, that they both felt, not to block something out.

"Well I keep my promises," Steve said with a nod. He brushed their lips together again and gave his hand one last squeeze before he pulled away.

Steve wanted them to be alright, he wanted to know that more than anything. But that was the thing with this, it was all the great unknown. He had to just feel it out as it went and enjoy the moments as they happened. It was terrifying, but he wouldn't change it. "I'll be back before you know it."

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