InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Herr Hofrat wants you!"

Stan the Man (stanbyme) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-11-09 14:00:00

Entry tags:

eddie kaspbrack, stanley uris

Who: Stan and Eddie
What: Just two bros without the hot tub
Where: The Losers House
When: Today

Things in the house were just a little bit.... tense, Stan thought. Or maybe it had just been a passing thing, he hoped that had been all it was. He didn't like the idea of there being any more tension than this place had all on its own. His walk with Eddie earlier had been nice too - just the two of them for a little while, while Stan just sort of rambled a bit, about birds and the quite frankly intensely exciting prospect of finding some sort of undiscovered specimen here in this place.

He hadn't found anything like that then, and Eddie had gone off to finish his walk on his own eventually - but Stan thought maybe in time he might find something.

Today though was about the state of things, about Eddie and making sure he was okay, about getting the same sort of time with him that he'd gotten with Richie too. He'd teased that he loved Richie best but the truth was he loved them both in an intense sort of way that was hard to put into words. It left him feeling a little bit the way he had on his wedding day, saying his wedding vows, only these were his childhood friends that he thought he'd never get to see again so it all felt maybe a little bit more intense and a little bit harder to really wrap his head around.

Still he'd try. For them.

"Richie is worried that you might try and form a new FDA in this place." Stan didn't really need an excuse to launch right into a conversation, particularly when he thought he might need to draw his friend out a bit. So he was doing just that. "I think he's probably just worried about the prospect of losing out on free pizza. You know what this place really needs?" Stan continued on, "A movie theater - I haven't been in ... I can't even remember the last time I've been."

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-21 10:49 pm UTC (link)

It was best not to examine it too closely. He'd known, as soon as he opened his mouth, that there were a few things about his version of their lives that couldn't be. He'd also known that it wouldn't be a possibility. His life back home was over. So was Stan's. There was no going back to what either of them had had before. The two of them were stuck in Starklandia until they died or disappeared. Some days he was okay with that. He had Richie, Stan, and the hope that, one day, the other Losers would join them. Other days, however, he found the thought depressing. He'd never see California. Never get to properly divorce Myra. He'd never see another of Richie's comedy specials, read another one of Bill's books. There would be no calls from Mike to tell them about Florida and no wedding to attend for Ben and Bev. He still didn't know if he had ever wanted them but no children to adopt either. So, this ideal life, it was just something to smile and dream about but not to talk about too in depth or to actually examine.

"Tell me about it." He said softly because he understood. Growing up in Derry was difficult. Growing up with either of their families was difficult. It complicated things. It made that sort of thing hard to accept or, in Stan's case, to even think about. And, yes, Eddie knew. He knew he liked boys and that he liked Richie a lot more than he should've but he tried not to think about it. Tried not to consider it because it was impossible and he had been told so many times that it was wrong. He understood in the same way that Stan understood what had been going on in his mind.

What his mother and Derry had never really been able to stop was the love he had for all of his friends. The way these six other kids had become a part of him. How they all held a piece of his heart. He loved them and he knew that they all loved him. If they had been allowed to remember each other they would've found their way back to one another as soon as they could. He would've escaped his mother and never would've married Myra. Bev never would've married her husband and Bill... well, he didn't know how Bill felt about his own wife. Speaking of Bill, however, Eddie actually managed to smile and look up at Stan. "I think it's important that you know that Big Bill Denbrough is now shorter than me. Mike could pick the guy up and carry him around if he wanted to." He was a little proud to finally be taller than someone.

That little victory only seemed to last for a few moments before the conversation moved back to things that were a little more serious and weighty. Maybe it was in a good way though. Hearing that there was a chance to grow and change and deal with the trauma of the town they grew up in was a relief. They weren't young men. Those days were behind them and had been wasted living in fear. There was still time though and a second chance even if Eddie didn't know what to make of this place sometimes. "I'm glad you and Richie are here with me for it." He murmured because they all deserved this chance to heal and put the past behind them.

He didn't resist when he was tugged closer. He simply moved enough so he could rest his head against Stan and get an arm around him. It was maybe a testament to his love and trust of the other Losers. When he was feeling anxious or upset he fell back on old habits. He didn't enjoy touch like this. He'd made Bill feel horrible because of it earlier but it had nothing to do with the other man. He would've avoided being touched by almost anyone. With Stan, however, he wanted to curl up with him. To touch and be touched and take the comfort that came with it. He smiled as Stan spoke. He'd never thought that his friend was a coward or the weakest of them. He just handled fear differently. He didn't have that same anger within him. When Eddie spoke, however, he made no mention of his bravery or the fear the two of them seemed to carry with them at all times. "I love you, too, Stanley." He said because hearing all of that meant more than he had the words to say and, really, Stan should know he was loved. "I'm glad we have you back. I'm sorry the others aren't here to tell you the same." He stopped and thought. "Or maybe I'm not. I'd hate to have to physically fight them for your attention."

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stanbyme
2019-11-22 04:22 am UTC (link)

It was true, if they'd remembered each other at all they would have found one another again, things would have been completely different for all of them - Stan didn't even know what the others had been up to in their lives after they'd left Derry but he was certain that things would have changed for all of them, missing so much of themselves like that made them all different people.

"Big Bill?" Stan's mouth fell open in disbelief. "Come on you're kidding, there's no way!" He laughed, delighted at the idea of it. "Oh man I can't believe it, that's amazing. I can't believe it's taken you this long to tell me. It seems like a first five seconds kind of thing." It was obvious that Stan was pleased by the way things had turned out, finally being taller than someone was an achievement all its own. "Any other big news like that I should know that you've just been waiting to spring on me?" He asked curious now.

He'd missed out on a lot when he hadn't made good on his promise, not just the rest of his life but the chance to see the Losers again, to see how they had all turned out for himself, to reconnect and finally feel whole again. But that would have meant facing his fears and he hadn't been able to do that. "I'm glad I'm here too." He agreed, and he was maybe a little surprised to find that it was true, for all that he was still worried about what all of this meant, he was glad that it turned out that what he'd done wasn't quite as final as he thought it might have been.

It was an easy thing to hang on to Eddie like this, to wrap an arm around him and press close and it didn't feel weird or wrong or bad or any of the things that it might have felt with someone else, or if he'd been younger. It was just good and he was glad they could do this again. He could understand that wish that the other could be here too, but it felt a little bit cruel to wish that on someone, especially someone he loved. He laughed and shook his head though. "I love you Eds, you know you never have to fight for a little bit of my attention."

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-23 06:15 am UTC (link)

It was possible none of them would've actually married. Maybe they all would've found words to express how they felt about each other. How they all loved each in way that ran deeper than friendship. Maybe they would've married within the group but, Eddie was sure, he probably would've referred to any of the Losers as his spouse. Maybe it was weird but it wasn't like they were all going to try and file taxes together so it wasn't illegal and it wasn't hurting anyone.

"Yeah. Big Bill Denbrough is shorter than me now. He's tiny and it's all kinds of adorable. He still wears flannel. Never grew out of that. He's actually a pretty popular author too. Horror mostly. His books get made into movies." And, okay, maybe Eddie was a little proud of Bill. "The biggest change is probably Ben. He's... I mean, look, I think Richie's attractive, okay, but even he'd agree with me. Ben is hot now. Like..." How did Richie describe. "Every Brazilian soccer player rolled into one." All of the Losers had grown up pretty attractive though. "I guess you all grew up pretty attractive though. Yourself included, Stan." He teased. "Just... Ben's the biggest difference. He was always cute, nice to hug, but, yeah, hot." He'd be happy to get Stan caught up on what the others were doing with their lives too. He didn't just have to talk about how attractive or tiny and adorable they were.

Once they had fully remembered him none of the Losers had actually held that broken promise against Stan. They all missed him more than they could ever be angry or disappointed. He still wished the others were around. Wished that they could be here and see Stan for themselves. That Stan could see them. They all deserved a reunion where some horrible nightmare creature wasn't hanging over their heads. Maybe it would happen one day. For now, however, he was content to have Stan and Richie.

Stan was warm and comforting. Leaning against him felt like home in the same way that being with Richie felt like home. "You say that but you'd be swamped with attention." He hummed. He couldn't even blame them. He had the benefit of only having to share Stan with Richie and Stan had always fit right in to whatever they could be doing. He tried not to think about the fact that he might be too. That they might all stare at him in the same way that Richie had. He didn't want to go through that again and he didn't want that for Stan. "At the risk of ruining our good mood... did Richie tell you about it?" He asked because maybe Stan should know what happened in case the others showed up. If he knew there was no more to be discussed. He was sure Stan wouldn't want to go into details.

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stanbyme
2019-11-24 06:50 pm UTC (link)

Stan loved hearing about the other losers, especially like this, from Eddie who was clearly enjoying telling him all about how Big Bill Denbrough was now not quite as big as he'd been in all their memories. He'd have loved to see it, just like he'd have loved to see Ben for himself, though his eyebrows inched up toward his hairline while Eddie regaled him with tales of how Ben Hanscom was now hot. "He must have turned out very hot to have made such an impression on you." He chuckled, but he supposed he could believe it, it had been years since he'd seen any of the losers, they all could have changed massively in that time. He liked thought that he could get an idea of it with Eddie's help.

"You're gonna have to tell me more about everyone else too." He added, because he wanted to know, even while it hurt. He wanted to know about his friends and the lives that they'd built in the years since he'd seen them last. "Eventually." They didn't have to get into all of it right now, not while some of it was raw and painful, but yeah - he wanted to know. Maybe one day they'd sow up here? As horrible as that might be for them, and as selfish as it might be to have it, Stan had some small bit of hope that maybe one day he'd get to see at least some of them again.

This though was - well it was nice, better than nice. Eddie was everything he'd remembered him to be and more and everything he needed after showing up here. He could say the same for Richie too really, and maybe any of the other losers. He'd been incredibly lucky to have them both here when he arrived. He didn't think he'd have survived showing up on his own.

"It?" He asked, he didn't think that Eddie meant the thing they called It, and he shook his head. "I mean I don't - we haven't talked a lot about what actually happened." He admitted and he'd been okay with that, because he didn't know how he'd take any of that, knowing both what he'd missed out on and maybe the guilt that would come from not having been there himself. "He said it was finished, that you won." That had felt like enough.

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-26 06:18 am UTC (link)

"Everyone turned out hot. It was a nightmare." He laughed. "Richie and I probably look the worst out of all of us." He said before his smile turned fond. "I like the way Richie looks though." In his opinion the other was still handsome. Maybe he wasn't Ben's level of attractive but that didn't matter. Something about Richie had always appealed to him. Even with those thick glasses and the constantly unruly hair. Even in stupid Hawaiian shirts. Maybe he was just stupid and in love. "I guess I always have. It's weird, I know."

Talking about the other Losers had a way of bringing a smile to his face. It had when he was a kid chatting to an adult about his friends while Sirius magicked a few shelves on the walls. "Sure. Any time you want. Some of them are actually pretty famous. It's a little annoying. Richie's a celebrity and I'm the world's shittiest risk analyst." The fact that they were famous and had been household names made the magic of Derry that much more unbelievable. He had seen Richie on tv and in his Netflix specials. He had read Bill's books. He just hadn't remembered them. He didn't even realize that he knew them. There had been a vague sense of familiarity with the names but he could shrug it off and often did. He wondered if it was the same for Stan. If he could bring him one of Bill's books and have him be a little confused because he couldn't immediately connect the man on the dust sleeve to the man he now remembered.

He hugged Stan a little tighter and nuzzled slightly against him. He was happy just to have the other man there with him. He hadn't thought he'd get that chance again. He wasn't willing to let go and he didn't actually want to disturb this peace. They were both so happy at the moment, even if he was fighting with Richie and they were missing their other friends. He just didn't want it all dropped on the other man when or if the other Losers arrived.

"Uh... yeah." He said because he was sure he could work with that. "We did. We won. I'm not sure about the details. Richie told me about it after I wound up here. I didn't get to see it." And that, really, was all he was going to say about it. They didn't have to talk about it in depth. They didn't even have to touch on it again. Stan was smart and Eddie was sure the way he was clinging to him now told him everything he needed to know.

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stanbyme
2019-11-27 07:31 pm UTC (link)

Stan couldn't help laughing at Eddie's admission that everyone turned out hot. "Oh come on, the worst? I don't believe that." He said shaking his head at the very idea of such a thing. "I think it's probably safe to say we all turned out pretty hot." Well maybe not him, Stan thought maybe he was handsome, but hot? That was the sort of thing reserved for - well every male soccer player or something like that. But the point remained, all of them had grown up into some manner of attractive sort of people, though maybe that was the part of Stan talking that was more than a little bit in love with them all.

This was nice though, he liked hearing how good things had been going for his friends like this. Richie was a celebrity, and Eddie of course was as brilliant as ever and then Bill with his books there were so many things that they had gone on to do with their lives, if he'd been younger he never would have believed they'd make it out of Derry let alone manage to do so well for themselves. "Leave it to the Losers to grow up and figure out how to be amazing." Maybe it had been something about Derry that had done it to them, they were the only ones aware of what had been happening at the time, maybe that meant something? Maybe they were just that good. It was hard to say and Stand didn't feel like he had to define it really. It just was and that was enough.

That and the way Eddie pressed close like this, so that Stan could lean into him and press his face against the top of his head for a moment and just bask in it, this thing that he never thought he'd get to have again. As long as he got to keep this, with Eddie, with Richie, well he thought maybe he could handle anything else.

Though when Eddie told him a little bit more about what had happened well - Stan could fill in the blanks that were there. Richie's hesitance to say anything, and now Eddie confirming that he hadn't seen them win - he didn't need to be told to understand. And he found himself tugging Eddie a little bit closer, his grip on him tightening as he tried not to allow guilt to overwhelm him, he knew Eddie wouldn't think that way - even if a cruel voice in the back of his mind was more than happy to say it had been his fault.

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-28 03:27 am UTC (link)

"Yeah, well you haven't seen the others. Mike's the world's sexiest librarian. Ben's the hottest... whatever he was? Architect? I've ever seen. Beverly has always been pretty but she's gorgeous now. And Bill? He's small and it's adorable but he makes it work in this way that's just... I couldn't even make being short work. Richie's got these broad shoulders now and this smile that lights up the room." And then there was Stan. Stan with his button nose and curly hair. With that warm smile and those arms that seemed to just fit around him or Richie or, probably, any of the other Losers. This whole thing was just ridiculous and criminal. They should all be locked up.

He hummed happily at the idea that the Losers had just been that good. That they'd escaped Derry and had gone on to lead successful lives. Maybe their relationships weren't what they wanted them to be but they made up for it in other areas. "Yeah..." He agreed. "We were all pretty amazing even those of us who weren't famous." He assumed Stan was brilliant in what he did too. He wasn't famous. He was like Eddie and had a more private life but he had a wife and a career. He'd been happy and that was more than enough. "It's fucking weird though. I've read Bill's books. I've seen Richie's comedy specials. There was this, like, deja vu thing going on but I couldn't connect them. I didn't remember them. I didn't remember anything until Mike mentioned Derry." Before that. When he'd looked up and saw the name of their hometown. "The name even had some kind of magic to it, I think."

It didn't matter now. They were far away from that place. They remembered and they had each other again. They were happy. Which made Eddie feel like shit for ruining all of that. For making Stan feel like he needed to hold onto him tighter and hug him closer. "Hey..." He said softly then, a little louder, "Stan." He said, demanding the other's attention, demanding he be pulled away from his thoughts. "It's not your fault." He said as if he knew exactly what was going on in the other's mind. "It's not your fault or Mike's fault. It's not Bill's fault. It's not Richie's fault. It's no one's fault. It...It was my choice." And he felt like anyone assuming it was anything but his choice was kind of cheapening it. "Just like this was yours." It was a sacrifice they had both made for the people they loved. It was no one's fault. "I love them. I love you. I love him more than I love anything or anybody. Myself included. I'd do it again if it meant they all survived." He hoped they were happy in the end. He hoped Richie would find happiness again if he ever had to leave here. He refused to regret it or let anyone blame themselves for it.

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stanbyme
2019-11-28 04:42 am UTC (link)

"Trust me, you make all of this work for you," Stan was quick to promise Eddie when he started to compare himself to the others. But that had never been the way they'd worked even when they'd been younger, they'd all been unique, bringing their own troubles and fears and strengths to the group and Stan refused to believe it wasn't the same now that they were grown. They were all unique and they didn't need to start comparing themselves one to another. Eddie was plenty hot, Stan could see that much without having to be told, though he'd tell Eddie the same if it came down to it.

Stan wasn't sure if he'd ended up amazing or not, not for sure - but he'd had a good life. He'd worked hard and he'd built up something from nothing, without the help of anyone other than Patty. But they'd built up something amazing together, so maybe he could count himself among their amazing members. "It is strange, I'd seen some of Richie actually, I didn't realize it at the time - but it was all just - it was weird, the way we still managed to drift toward one another despite everything." The forgetting was the worst part of it all, how much had been taken from them depriving them of their biggest strength. He had a feeling there were times they all could have used a bit of that during the course of their lives.

"All I had to do was hear Mike's voice and it all came back." He admitted quietly, Mike didn't even have to tell him, he'd known it the second he'd answered the call that had come. He shivered at the memory of it, pushing it aside so he didn't start thinking about what had come after.

Not here, where he had Eddie pressed against him and they were safe he didn't have to think about all of that. But he couldn't help it, especially now, knowing a little more about what had happened and what he should have been there to help stop. And though he heard everything Eddie said he couldn't help the way that knowledge weighed on him. "We swore." He said it softly, his voice thick with emotion that he was trying to keep a tight reign on. "I promised I'd come back." The scar had come back and it was a reminder of what they'd done and what they'd promised when the time came and he'd broken that promise. "I should have been there." He should have been brave, for Eddie and for Richie, and Bev, and Ben, and Mike, and for Bill. He should have been brave enough for them. And even with that guilt weighing on him Stan knew he wouldn't have been any good to them, he'd made that choice because he'd known that - that he would only get them hurt and he did it because he loved them. The same as Eddie. "I - I would do it again though." He said after a moment, the truth of it settling some small piece of that guilt. "If it meant I wasn't holding you back." And that's why he'd done it in the first place, he would have only hurt them.

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-28 09:06 pm UTC (link)

There were years apart to make up for. Walking into Jade of the Orient and seeing Bill and Mike, watching the others as they found their way in. Watching Richie eventually wander in (in the most annoying way possible). Well, he was pretty sure he'd done a pretty good job of repressing everything. Of repressing who he was. He could focus on the fact that he was married to a woman and tell himself that that made everything better. Seeing the other Losers again, however, brought all of that bubbling back to the surface. They were all hot and it was entirely possible that Eddie had spent a good half hour in a gay panic as he took them all in. There may have been some of that still lingering and that was why he was comparing himself to the other Losers. Or maybe it was just Stan because Stan hadn't been there before. Eddie hadn't had a chance to see just how hot Stan had grown up and panic over that. Even if that panicking was taking the form of being warm and comfortable in the other's arms. He chuckled and shook his head at the compliment though. "Shut up, Stanley." He said, voice warm and smile just a little shy at that.

It didn't matter if Stan thought he was amazing. Eddie thought the other man was amazing. Eddie let out a hum and nodded. "Yeah." He said softly. "They were all household names and I just... I never connected any of it to myself. Never connected them to myself." But he had been drawn to Richie. He'd watched the man's specials with an odd sort of pride in spite of telling everyone who'd listen that Richie wasn't funny. It was the same with Bill's books. He hated the ending, complained about them, but he'd still read them. He'd buy every single book and, occasionally, just stare at the author's picture on the dust cover. Something inside of him had still known in a way. Had still realized that he loved these people and that these faces were ones he should hold onto.

None of it had actually connected until that call from Mike. "I just looked up on my caller ID and saw the name of the town." He said softly. "Derry. It all came flooding back in this rush." It had to be the town that held the magic. Maybe he wouldn't have remembered if Mike had just started with his name. He didn't want to think about it. They didn't have to.

Eddie frowned at Stan's words, reaching up to touch the side of his face. Richie no longer had his scar. Eddie had seen the other man's hands enough to realize that it was gone now. Eddie's scar was still there. Still standing out on his hand as a reminder of the promise they made. That hand touched the side of Stan's face, thumb stroking along his cheekbone as he tried to comfort the other. As he made Stan look at him. "We didn't think any less of you once we remembered you. We just... god, Stan, we just fucking missed you." And, okay, maybe he teared up a little at the memory but that was okay. "None of us wanted you to force yourself into that situation again." He said softly. Hearing that he would do it again wasn't a comforting thought but, he assumed, neither was the thought of Eddie dying for them. So he didn't like it but he understood. The sacrifices they made were out of love for these people who meant the world to them. These people they loved more than they could ever love themselves. He nodded and pulled Stan down into a tighter hug so he could press a kiss to his hair. "Just not here." He said softly. "Neither of us are allowed to die here. You aren't allowed to leave me or Richie."

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stanbyme
2019-11-30 07:24 am UTC (link)

Stan could only grin when he managed to get Eddie to use his full name and not some variation on it that he was always so fond of using whenever he was referring to him. It was a small victory perhaps, but one that Stan was only too happy to take.

"I know what you mean." He agreed, it hadn't been fair to realize that - that those people he'd seen and read and heard about were the people he cared about most and he just didn't remember it at the time. Things could have been so different. Their lives would have been so many other things. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it might have been but he knew things would have turned out differently. All he really knew was that they all would have been a lot closer together if they'd known.

But there wasn't anything any of them could do about it now. It was just unfair and they were all going to have to live with that - or ... well whatever it was he was doing now. Second living?

He nodded when Eddie told him what it had been like for him, seeing the name of the town and the memories coming back to him. He'd heard Mike's voice and that had been it for him - all of it was back, he'd known without Mike even telling him and he knew before the call was over what he was going to do.

Eddie was too good, Stan had known that all his life but he was reminded of that now with Eddie promising him that all they had done was miss him when they head what he'd done. "None of us should have been forced into it." He said with no small amount of bitterness, that town that place it wasn't right for a bunch of kids to have to fight off that thing, anymore than it was right that any of them should have had to go back to face it a second time. But the rest of them had done it - they'd been brave and strong enough to do what Stan hadn't. "We're not doing it again," He agreed, leaning into Eddie, he'd done it once before and maybe he'd have done it again if he thought it was all that would save his friends, but he got a feeling that sort of thing wouldn't be necessary in a place like this. "I'm not going anywhere. Not now that I've found you." He promised, he wasn't going to leave them. He couldn't.

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ekaspbrak
2019-12-03 11:55 pm UTC (link)

Stan was right. None of them should've been forced into it and, maybe, if Derry had been a better place, if the adults had cared more, if the Denbroughs had been better parents or just fucking there for Bill they wouldn't have been. Bill probably blamed himself for their deaths the way he'd blamed himself for Georgie and that hurt and it sucked because he could never tell the other man just how stupid he was for thinking that. How offended he was that he could think of their sacrifices as anything but a choice they had both made for the people they loved the most. "You're right, but... I think I would've done that again too." He said after a moment's worth of thought.

There was a lot he would've changed about that summer. He wouldn't have wanted to go back in and he sure as shit wouldn't try to get Stan to come along. They were all allowed to make their own choices on that one without judgement. If the situation called for it though he would join them all over again. Broken arm, near death experience, psycho mom and all. "I wouldn't ask you to do it though and I would try screaming some sense into Bill's parents first. Fuck them."

They didn't have to worry about being flung back in time and having to do the whole thing over again. This place didn't work that way. When they ended up kids here they got to run around in the relative safety of Starklandia. It was much better than trying to argue their way out of stomping through grey water and fighting off the nightmare clowns that would, eventually, kill them.

He wrapped his arms a little tighter around Stan as the other leaned against him, just wanting to cling to him. To hold him like he didn't quite believe the other wouldn't disappear on him. "You better not." He murmured. "I love you so much but I'll kick your ass if even think about leaving me again." He doubted he and Richie could ever go back to the way things had been. To a world where they had never got the chance to meet and talk to and just cling to their friend. "I won't go anywhere either. Someone has to take care of the two of you."

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