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Stan the Man ([info]stanbyme) wrote in [info]snapthread,
@ 2019-11-09 14:00:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:eddie kaspbrack, stanley uris

Who: Stan and Eddie
What: Just two bros without the hot tub
Where: The Losers House
When: Today


Things in the house were just a little bit.... tense, Stan thought. Or maybe it had just been a passing thing, he hoped that had been all it was. He didn't like the idea of there being any more tension than this place had all on its own. His walk with Eddie earlier had been nice too - just the two of them for a little while, while Stan just sort of rambled a bit, about birds and the quite frankly intensely exciting prospect of finding some sort of undiscovered specimen here in this place.

He hadn't found anything like that then, and Eddie had gone off to finish his walk on his own eventually - but Stan thought maybe in time he might find something.

Today though was about the state of things, about Eddie and making sure he was okay, about getting the same sort of time with him that he'd gotten with Richie too. He'd teased that he loved Richie best but the truth was he loved them both in an intense sort of way that was hard to put into words. It left him feeling a little bit the way he had on his wedding day, saying his wedding vows, only these were his childhood friends that he thought he'd never get to see again so it all felt maybe a little bit more intense and a little bit harder to really wrap his head around.

Still he'd try. For them.

"Richie is worried that you might try and form a new FDA in this place." Stan didn't really need an excuse to launch right into a conversation, particularly when he thought he might need to draw his friend out a bit. So he was doing just that. "I think he's probably just worried about the prospect of losing out on free pizza. You know what this place really needs?" Stan continued on, "A movie theater - I haven't been in ... I can't even remember the last time I've been."


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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-10 12:32 am UTC (link)
"You'd definitely have a hard time doing away with free pizza, I might even have to work against you on that one," Stan agreed with an easy grin - pizza was just one of those staples that you couldn't get rid of without causing a stir. "We'll have to find some other direction to focus your potential FDA powers." He reasoned, at least he managed to draw Eddie out of whatever thoughts had been filling his head for the moment, and it was obvious that he had been caught up in some serious thinking for a while there so if Stan could distract him with some ridiculous conversation about imaginary FDAs well that's exactly what he was going to do.

What he hadn't expected was that Eddie might actually have a plan for a movie theater set up that they could try and actually make it happen. So it was less of a distraction idea and more of a distraction reality and Stan was pretty sure he was entirely okay with that. "Who knew a theater would provide so many potential relationship issues before it was ever even created." He grinned though at the idea of it - and even more about the idea of Eddie teasing Richie about it, because that meant that at least things were normal.

It was as Eddie mentioned Myra that Stan realized the hadn't really talked about their previous lives, before they'd ended up here, before the call. "Patty and I went every so often, when something really interesting came out." He had done something terrible to her by doing what he'd done, but Stan hadn't known what else to do. He knew that she wouldn't understand it, and how could she? But he hadn't seen any other way to do things.

"We're going to have to make this theater happen so we can both see something new. Do you really think that's something we could pull off?" He'd delve a little more deeply into the real issues in the moment but Stan had managed to distract even himself for a moment here with this idea of a theater.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-10 02:03 am UTC (link)
"You too, Standrew?" He asked, feigning shock and hurt. "You know I'm frail. My heart probably couldn't take it." He was pretty sure that Stan knew the opposite was true. He wasn't as frail as he'd once believed. He wondered if anyone besides him had believed his mother's lies. It was nice to see Stan smile. To watch that grin appear on his face. Eddie preferred it to the look of pure terror that he'd seen in Neibolt. "I'm sure the two whole restaurants in town will absolutely love me." He laughed. "Maybe I'll settle for cleaning and policing our kitchen instead. Start small."

Maybe that was good advice for the theater idea too. Start small.

He liked to think that a lot of things were possible here. From what he'd been told they hadn't even had working toilets at one point but look at them now. They had working plumbing and electricity. There was no internet yet but there was a message board that kept them all connected. Maybe they were trapped in this place and it wasn't as advanced as home but it didn't mean they couldn't get there. They were surrounded by geniuses, after all. Tony might actually appreciate being included in this. He wanted to make friends so desperately. "Between all of us. I'll bitch that you don't take me either." He teased, reaching out to poke at Stan's arm. "You and Richie never take me places anymore. What happened to the romance?"

They hadn't spoken a lot about their previous lives. There was a reason for that. While Eddie wanted to know about Stan's life and about the woman he'd married he didn't want to tread too closely to what he'd done. He didn't want to force the other man to talk about it or think about it too much. Asking about the wife he'd left behind seemed to tread a little too closely. Instead it was probably better to let the other offer up information about her as they spoke. Let him decide what he was comfortable with.

"I'd like that. I probably haven't seen a movie that wasn't edited to hell since leaving Derry." And he wouldn't remember it. "I think we could pull it off though. We just have to know who to talk to about it."

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-10 03:24 am UTC (link)
Stan held out his hands in a sort of what can I say gesture. Pizza was sacred and not even he could be denied it for the sake of Eddie. He chuckled just a little when Eddie mentioned his heart and simply nodded, "Before you start considering letting yourself be done in by the great pizza revolt of this place, just consider how that will sound when we tell everyone what happened to you." He warned, unworried about the state of Eddie's heart - even as a kid he'd known that Eddie was made of sturdier stuff than what he thought or what his mother had said. Seeing him again now only proved that to him, he wasn't worried about Eddie falling to pieces about this or anything else.

He nodded, "I think that's wise, start small - then you can grow your empire in time."

It was strange to think that maybe they could do something like this, simply because they wanted to. Just an idea for something that could be fun. And here was Eddie coming up with a way that maybe they could make it happen. It was different than the life he'd lead before. It hadn't been a bad life, he'd loved Patty, he'd had a path to follow, but it had been a quiet life, small - this was something else entirely. It was exciting, to find something new like this, terrifying in many ways of course but Stan didn't want to let fear hold him hostage in this second chance the way he had in the past.

Laughing Stan shook his head, "Oh Eds, you think I'd get you to help me create a theater and then not take you out?" He tutted a little, reaching out to poke at him, ruffling his hair a little. "Let's figure it out then, we'll make it happen, get you caught up on some popular culture."

It would be fun, he thought, a theater and going out again, the three of them together. It wasn't the whole of their little gang, but it was a good start. And Eddie, he needed some of that by the sounds of it. To see the world unedited, with people who knew he wasn't fragile. He and Richie both knew that well.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked then, the theater could of course be a welcome distraction, something they could joke about and talk about easily for a hell of a lot longer he was sure, maybe they could even find a way to talk about their lives, about what they'd left behind, but there was something more pressing for them to deal with now. Something weighing on Eddie's mind.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-10 04:43 am UTC (link)
"I died of a broken heart because the two people I love turned against me? I don't know. It doesn't sound that absurd." It was probably a good sign that he could still admit that he loved Richie out loud. He hadn't deluded himself into thinking that his feelings had changed in any way. "Considering who I'm talking to though I'm going to assume you're just going to tell them I was done in by the pizza revolution." The fact that the other Losers teased him and treated him just like everyone else instead of like he was delicate had always meant so much to him even when was glaring or shouting about it.

"I wouldn't put thoughts of an empire in my mind." He laughed, smile bright as he watched the other. "I might try to take over. Make a bunch of laws about safety."

This place was different from home. In the real world ideas like this could never really come to fruition. Not without a great deal of money and, probably, the right connections. He couldn't say for sure. He knew very little about what running or opening a theater actually entailed. He assumed there was someone at the very top and that this person would protect their interests by making sure smaller, independent theaters couldn't make it. They wouldn't have that problem here. There was no money to worry about, no red tape. They didn't have to worry about turning a profit. They were only limited by what they could actually get their hands on and what was realistic for this place.

While he made a face at the nickname he didn't protest this time. Honestly, he'd never hated it. He'd always liked it when Richie used it. Liked it even more when the other breathed it, soft and intimately. He found he liked when Stan used it too but wouldn't try to delve too deeply into why. He just did. The faces and protests were purely to keep his image up. "You're too good to me, Staniel." He said before trying to duck away from the hand that ruffled his hair though he didn't try too hard. "I'm too old for pop culture and, you know, we might be limited in our selection. Everyone might end up watching a few of our favorite movies." Which was a lot better than nothing and, really, who didn't love Ghostbusters?

This would be nice. Not just for them but for everyone else too. Something to do. A place for them to all forget about the rest of the world for awhile and focus entirely on a movie. On the friends you were sharing the experience with. It would be nice to do that again even without the other Losers and maybe he and Stan both needed it a little. Richie too, probably.

"I thought we were talking about the theater." He said, completely serious for a moment before realizing that, maybe, Stan wasn't talking about that. Maybe he was talking about the other things on Eddie's mind. Of course he knew. Stan was observant and Eddie was quiet. He was clingier. Richie was hiding in their room. He let out a breath and looked away, smile dropping. "I guess... I don't understand it." He murmured. "How he... how anyone could love me like that." He said, voice soft. "I guess I'm just insecure."

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-10 07:49 am UTC (link)
"Yes, the only thing we'll be telling people is that you were overwhelmed by pizza. It's not going to be a great image for you." He assured Eddie with a grin, "So I think you should reconsider and simply embrace the pizza, then you'll have no need for any heartbreak or death." Which really was much improved as far as Stan was concerned. He supposed this was probably a good sign, that they could joke and tease about these kinds of things considering what they'd lived through, and ... what they hadn't for that matter. They didn't have to let that define them, they could move past it - at least Stan hoped they could.

As he laughed when Eddie began plotting out what might comprise his eventual empire, Stan thought maybe things could even be good in time. Really good. "This his a sort of lawless place."

Lawless maybe, but interesting as well - full of strange people that Stan never would have been able to dream up in even his wildest imaginings, and full of paradoxes and unexplained things that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to wrap his head around even if he spent years here in this place. And maybe he would, what else was there for him after all? He couldn't just go back to his life could he? Not when what his life had been was over. No this was the only place for him now and he supposed he'd have to learn how to embrace all of it - whether it was makeshift theaters or the strangeness of the doors.

"You're right, you are old now - fine, we'll catch you up on all the latest documentaries. It's what people are watching these days anyway. It's all murder podcasts and sex documentaries anyway." He teased, if Eddie was too old for pop culture than Stan was too after all. But it didn't really matter all that much what they watched really, as long as it was something they were doing together, making the most of this second chance they'd been given.

Stan just waited for Eddie to catch up to where he was already in the conversation, giving him time to decide if he even wanted to have this particular conversation or not. Stan wasn't really the sort to push, he was more of a follower at the end of the day - but he could make himself heard when he needed to. And at the moment well, he though Eddie might need just a little bit of a push to open up a bit about what had been weighing on him so much lately. "Have you seen the way he looks at you?" Stan asked when Eddie confessed to feeling insecure about things. "He doesn't even have to be looking at you, even just talking about you and his face changes." It was just a little bit disgusting actually, to see that kind of shift in Richie, but incredibly sweet all at once.

"Our boy Richie has looked at you like that since we were kids, Eddie." He added, "The two of you were always just a little too busy hurling insults at one another to pick up on it." There was absolutely no doubt in Stan's mind that Richie was totally gone on Eddie. "You're a catch Eddie, of course he loves you." Stan couldn't imagine anyone not loving Eddie, same went for Richie of course, and maybe he was a little bit biased cause he kind of thought the same for all of them, even if they weren't here, Stan was filled with an incredible amount of love for his fellow losers. So the idea that anyone else might not feel it too? Was impossible as far as he was concerned.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-10 02:50 pm UTC (link)
Honestly, the idea that he would put an end to the free pizza was funny. He benefitted from it too and, around the Losers, had never really thought too much about how his food was prepared. Pizza was something he would never actually outlaw and he didn't really want to go into the two whole restaurants around here to figure out if they were up to some insane standard someone else had planted into his head. "Well, I mean, if you're going to twist my arm." It probably was good that they could joke about death and dying and that neither of them let that particular little black cloud hang around too heavily.

Starklandia was a lawless place but the people Eddie met had been good ones too. There was no one like Henry Bowers among their ranks to look out for. No one who would actually do anyone else harm. With the exception of Richie's fan but that was a difficult subject. Richie had, mistakenly, made fun of the guy's dead mother. Kicking his ass may have been a little extreme though. Eddie liked it here... though he supposed he had no real choice. The only thing waiting for him outside of this place was certain death. An end. If he thought about it too much in the context of his insecurities he would withdraw again. It was better to focus on Stan and old age.

"Sex documentaries?" He asked, a laugh escaping him as he gave Stan a look. "What have you been watching without us, Stan?" He had missed out on certain things. Probably a lot. That's what happened when you lived a relatively sheltered life. When the most freedom you got was the drive to and from work. He could only express himself through yelling at traffic and, even then, only if he wasn't on the phone with Myra who would chime in about reminders about blood pressure and his heart. "We can still get into pop culture." He decided. "I mean, I guess, it doesn't matter how old we are or what we watch. I just... I would prefer it if we stayed away from anything medical related? I'm..." He frowned a little, uncomfortable but trying. "I'm just tired of the inside of hospitals. Even fake hospitals. I still vividly remember spending weeks there."

Apparently, Eddie was a rockstar when it came to talking about things that made him uncomfortable. He'd just shot down any possible medical drama, horror movie that largely featured a hospital, AND documentary about diseases. Now he was going to talk about his relationship and insecurities. When he had these bouts of bravery he really went all in. No wonder he'd run the doors and nearly dided three different times. "I mean... full disclosure, we did a lot of this thing where we just stared at each other as kids. Like. Full eye contact without bickering until it was too much and we sorta ran from it. So, yeah, I've seen the way he looked at me. Looks at me." He'd seen it. He knew there was a difference. He knew that Richie's expression changed when he looked at him. He knew that, sometimes, Richie would just watch him when he wasn't looking. "I was scared. You remember what it was like."

Maybe they hadn't really remembered much about the town but the scars it left behind lingered even when the memory didn't. They'd all been bullied. Called names. Richie got the worst of it but he and Stan had their share too. "And my mom? She... the things she said coupled with all those other fears about being sick. Being dirty..." He scrubbed his hands against his jeans as if trying to clean something off his hands. "I was just so scared of myself. Scared of the feelings I had for him. Ashamed. Worried I was going to... to...make him infect him. Make him sick. Dirty. Like me. I was always so sure I was rotting away from the inside and these feelings were just part of it."

And that wasn't what he needed to really get around to saying but it was part of it. It was all connected. He just needed a minute to deal with all of that because he'd never even mentioned it to Sirius when the other had helped him as a child. He didn't have the words or understanding for it beyond the idea that his mother thought it was wrong and he was wrong for it.

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-10 08:16 pm UTC (link)
Stan just laughed at that look Eddie cast his way, lifting his shoulders in a slight shrug, "Patty loved documentaries." He said by way of explanation without actually giving away much of anything about what he had or hadn't seen in his time back in his previous life. He sobered just a little as Eddie made his one request regarding movies, documentary style or otherwise and Stan couldn't tease him about that, instead he just nodded, "Don't worry, there are plenty of other movies to watch that have nothing at all to do with hospitals." He promised easily, it was hardly a concession to make at all, and if it made Eddie more ready and willing to do something fun like that? Well Stan was all for it - after all he had plenty he couldn't watch as well. He suspected Richie would be the same when it came to things like horror, they'd lived enough of it in their own lives to try and find any of it enjoyable.

But that was something they could delve into a little more deeply in the future, what he was more interested in doing right then was getting Eddie to open up about what he'd been feeling in regards to Richie, and all the rest that had him so quiet recently.

So he just listened while Eddie made his confession, about staring at Richie when they'd been kids and what that had been like, and avoiding whatever feelings that had brought up in him. Of course Stan understood that, he knew what Derry was like, and with Eddie's mom on top of that? It was no wonder Eddie had been conflicted about feeling anything at all when he'd looked at Richie like that.

It was terrible what that place had done to them, not just It, and then stealing the memories of their time together, but also the sort of terror of growing up in a place that didn't seem like it cared all that much about its kids. Where they'd been terrorized by Bowers and his gang, and where adults didn't seem like they cared or even noticed what was happening to them, that would be bad enough without adding everything else that had happened to them to it, but they had that to contend with as well. And then to have it all taken from them as they'd grown older, they'd all been denied the chance to deal with any of it, to come to terms with themselves in a wider more open world, to understand that the small minded people that had lived around them when they'd been young weren't all there was, that they didn't have to be afraid all the time because there were places that were safe.

It was fucking cruel.

"You know before I met Patty, back when I was going to school, there was this guy I met." He told Eddie, "We met at a party, and he was just... I don't know, I still can't put it into words, but I couldn't take my eyes off him." There had been a little bit of that fear in him then too, after all Stan grew up in the same place Eddie had, and even without remembering it all he knew enough to know there were people who thought that sort of thing was wrong and sick, but in that moment it hadn't mattered. "I knew what my dad would say if he ever found out, how much he'd hate even the suggestion of something like that. But I couldn't help it."

"It's easier when you're younger, to face those kinds of fears, to really examine what you're feeling and what it might make you if it's more than just a passing thought." Stan knew, he'd had time and he'd grown in the years since leaving Derry, he'd had plenty stolen from him, but he'd also built plenty as well. "There is nothing dirty about it, Eddie. About loving him, or him loving you or anything else. I mean you guys are disgusting, don't get me wrong, but it's not the thing everyone tried to tell us it was when we were kids."

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-11 04:40 am UTC (link)
It was nice to hear these bits and pieces of Stan's life outside of Derry and the Losers. Nice to hear about the wife he would never get to meet. She sounded like someone the Losers would've loved only because Stan had, obviously, loved her and had been content with his life. "It sounds like she and Richie would've been fast friends. We would've loved to meet her." It was probably best not to linger on that thought. He figured there was probably a list of things they wouldn't want to watch given everything they'd been through so he didn't feel too bad about striking medical things off the list. "I'd make you never want to watch the show anyway. I'd just cover up how uncomfortable I was by bitching about how wrong everything was."

He fell silent as Stan began to talk and tell his own story. It surprised him just a little. He was always aware of Stan. The other boy had been his second favorite target to annoy, right after Richie. It just hadn't always panned out the same. Stan got annoyed. He hadn't known, however, that Stan may have had an interest in boys too. "Stanny, I didn't know you liked men." He said, not teasing this time. "Was it always a thing? Like. Did you know when we were younger?" Because he and Richie had known then not matter how much they denied it. "Did you have a crush on someone? I'm not even going to bring up Bill because I'm sure we all had a crush on him at one point. How else can you explain going along with his crazier ideas?"

And maybe he was getting off topic or trying to but this little break felt necessary. It helped him relax a little in the face of everything he'd just admitted. "See, that's the thing. I know that now." He should really tell Stan about the last time this place went weird on them and turned them into kids for a week. It would make introducing Stan to Remus and Sirius easier. How else was he going to explain away the man who was half his age but who'd kinda adopted him? "But knowing doesn't mean that everything is magically fixed. Sometimes I'm still insecure. Sometimes I'm still afraid of myself. I know that Richie's scared too and, sometimes, I think he deserves better. Sometimes I think he'd be happier with someone who was confident in themselves. Someone who wasn't afraid of who they were."

If he really loved Richie wouldn't he let go? Wouldn't he let him find someone confident and brave and unafraid? Who could help Richie feel the same way about himself? "He deserves so much better than me, Stan."

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-13 03:13 am UTC (link)
"She and Richie would have gotten along like a house on fire, it was really the best for everyone that they didn't get to meet." Which was - well quite frankly horribly sad, because Stan would have loved to see it, even as much as he feared whatever might have come from such a meeting, he wanted Patty to have had the chance to meet all of the Losers, the first loves of his life and show her the people who had saved him. But he'd never had that chance, but he could at the very least spend a moment to think about how good it would have been rather than how sad it was that it wasn't.

As for their past, well.... that was complicated. "Come on, you grew up in the same town I did, I never even considered it back then." Because well, it didn't matter what he might have felt then he knew what was expected of him, both because they were in Derry of all places, but also his family. Stan had never been an idiot and he knew that some things just weren't allowed, for one reason or another, so he never let himself think about it, not until he was a little more free, away from Derry and his family. Things got easier after that. "But I think if I'd let myself think about it back then I'd have known."

He shrugged, it was hard to think about what he might have done, or might have been if things were different, things simply were what they were. He could see it now though, as an adult looking back, he could see those times when maybe things have never been entirely friendly.

"We're the walking wounded, Eddie," Stan said gently, for so many reasons, not just because of It, because they had some insane clown demon try to kill them when they'd been kids, but because of what Derry had taken from them. "Most people - have the opportunity to grow, to learn from the experiences they had when they were kids, to really grow up. It doesn't mean you can't now." He added, Stan had help - Patty had helped him grow a lot in the years he'd known her.

"What he doesn't deserve someone who can keep up with that mouth of his? Or someone brave? Or someone kind?" Stan asked, genuinely curious what Eddie saw in himself that was lacking when all he could see was what a good fit Richie and Eddie were for one another.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-16 06:10 pm UTC (link)
"It actually worries me that you married someone who'd get along with Richie that well." He laughed. "I feel like you and I would've just stood back and watched with vaguely horrified expressions." Or not because Eddie himself had been married. Richie wasn't his husband and they wouldn't have been watching their spouses become friends. He would've loved to see it though just as much as he would've loved to meet her and to reconnect with Stan while they were both alive. Maybe he'd never get to meet Patty but, at least, he had Stan there alive and well. That was something worth focusing on over what they didn't and would never have.

The past was complicated and, yes, Eddie grew up in Derry. He knew what it was like. He knew what Stan's family was like in the same way that Stan knew what his mother was like. "Yeah, we grew up in the same town. I remember what it was like. I guess it's just hard for me to picture not knowing." He'd tried to stop himself from feeling the way he did. He told himself to like Greta Keene because she was popular. She was what the boys were supposed to like. Greta was a horrible person though. He couldn't like her no matter how many times he told himself he did or how hard he tried to make himself. He liked Richie. He couldn't help the way he felt.

He did, however, understand how feelings could get confusing and how feelings towards the other Losers, in particular, could get a little jumbled. He loved them all very much. Maybe he favored Richie in a romantic way but it was hard to untangle a lot of those feelings. He didn't have a single soul mate, he had several. These feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that he was dealing with now had never applied to the other Losers, just every else. He might've teased or huffed but he would've never been jealous if Richie flirted with or was being flirted with by one of the others.

He thought, maybe, Stan had never really thought about it but maybe there was nothing to think about either. Maybe his feelings hadn't imprinted on any one of them in particular. He loved them all equally.

It was cruel. Really cruel that they had both been denied that opportunity to cope. To grow and heal and learn from that experience. Making them forget each other, the town, and themselves had stolen away that opportunity. He felt a lot like he hadn't been able to grow much. He'd forgotten he was strong and had lived his life under one oppressive woman or another. "Maybe it's not too late to learn from all that. Now that we remember and have this second chance." He was a little hopeful for his future. Not a lot but enough.

He looked up at Stan then and frowned. "Someone better. Who isn't afraid of themselves or..." He shook his head. He knew what Stan was trying to do. He knew Stan would think the best of them in the same way that Eddie thought the best of him. "Thank you though." He said softly. "I'm not really all that brave but I can usually keep up with him. When I can't... that's why you're here. You always knew when to tell him to lay off a little."

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-17 09:25 pm UTC (link)
"Believe me, it worries me too thinking about that." He agreed, because it was true - the thought of Patty and Richie together like that and being sure that they would get along so well was a kind of terrifying thought to have. But it was also a kind of comfort, that even when he'd forgotten so much of his life before a certain point there was still something inside of him that sought out someone who would have worked well with their group and yeah Stan liked that. "Probably best we don't think about that too closely." Both because he knew the reality of it would have been different than what Eddie suggested and because it wasn't something they were ever going to have the chance to see for themselves, so it would just be this thing they pictured like this and it was fine to view it from a distance, imagining how good it could be, but also the sort of thing they wouldn't want to get too close to either.

Stan nodded, he got it and maybe a part of him had known, which was why he never really looked at it too much either - because he knew what it meant and he knew what his family would say and what Derry would say and it was just safer to ignore it, to shut off that part of himself so that he didn't have to add any more fear into a life that was already so chock full of it. "It was complicated." Stan said finally and shrugged, so much of growing up there had been complicated, and that was just one more thing.

But he'd always known really, though it had been wrapped up in something unnamable, the way he loved the other Losers it was - it was more than just the way a friend loved another friend, it was like they were all a part of him, like owned pieces of his heart and he loved them all in a way that had never really needed to be put into words, or maybe it was just that he'd been incapable of finding the words then, whatever the reason that much he'd known, he'd have lived out the rest of his life with the Losers and been only too happy about it, but life had a way of making other plans.

"Of course there's a chance," He agreed, he'd been given this second chance and now Eddie and Richie had too, ending up here like this they all had the chance to figure things out as adults with all of their memories back again, they could maybe find their way to being whole and happy people. "I mean this place is - insane," There was no other word for it, "But we're here now, it would be stupid not to try and use the opportunity we've been given." To explore who they might have been if things had gone differently.

Stan shook his head and pulled Eddie closer, "You have always been amazing, Eddie. Richie knows that, I know that, everyone else would say exactly the same. You don't need to be better." The fear though, that Stan understood, maybe not in exactly the same way as Eddie but he carried around so much of that himself he knew what it was to be afraid and to think that maybe it would be too much for someone else. "You are brave Eddie, you went back - you were there with them, you saved me, you are one of the bravest people I know." He was so much braver than Stan had ever been and the idea that Eddie couldn't see that in himself felt almost impossible. "Maybe it is why I'm here," He agreed with a small smile, "Maybe it's just to give you the push you need to trust him. Richie might be .... Richie, but he's not an idiot and he's never been someone to hide what he feels. He'd tell you if he thought there was something missing, you know that."

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-21 10:49 pm UTC (link)
It was best not to examine it too closely. He'd known, as soon as he opened his mouth, that there were a few things about his version of their lives that couldn't be. He'd also known that it wouldn't be a possibility. His life back home was over. So was Stan's. There was no going back to what either of them had had before. The two of them were stuck in Starklandia until they died or disappeared. Some days he was okay with that. He had Richie, Stan, and the hope that, one day, the other Losers would join them. Other days, however, he found the thought depressing. He'd never see California. Never get to properly divorce Myra. He'd never see another of Richie's comedy specials, read another one of Bill's books. There would be no calls from Mike to tell them about Florida and no wedding to attend for Ben and Bev. He still didn't know if he had ever wanted them but no children to adopt either. So, this ideal life, it was just something to smile and dream about but not to talk about too in depth or to actually examine.

"Tell me about it." He said softly because he understood. Growing up in Derry was difficult. Growing up with either of their families was difficult. It complicated things. It made that sort of thing hard to accept or, in Stan's case, to even think about. And, yes, Eddie knew. He knew he liked boys and that he liked Richie a lot more than he should've but he tried not to think about it. Tried not to consider it because it was impossible and he had been told so many times that it was wrong. He understood in the same way that Stan understood what had been going on in his mind.

What his mother and Derry had never really been able to stop was the love he had for all of his friends. The way these six other kids had become a part of him. How they all held a piece of his heart. He loved them and he knew that they all loved him. If they had been allowed to remember each other they would've found their way back to one another as soon as they could. He would've escaped his mother and never would've married Myra. Bev never would've married her husband and Bill... well, he didn't know how Bill felt about his own wife. Speaking of Bill, however, Eddie actually managed to smile and look up at Stan. "I think it's important that you know that Big Bill Denbrough is now shorter than me. Mike could pick the guy up and carry him around if he wanted to." He was a little proud to finally be taller than someone.

That little victory only seemed to last for a few moments before the conversation moved back to things that were a little more serious and weighty. Maybe it was in a good way though. Hearing that there was a chance to grow and change and deal with the trauma of the town they grew up in was a relief. They weren't young men. Those days were behind them and had been wasted living in fear. There was still time though and a second chance even if Eddie didn't know what to make of this place sometimes. "I'm glad you and Richie are here with me for it." He murmured because they all deserved this chance to heal and put the past behind them.

He didn't resist when he was tugged closer. He simply moved enough so he could rest his head against Stan and get an arm around him. It was maybe a testament to his love and trust of the other Losers. When he was feeling anxious or upset he fell back on old habits. He didn't enjoy touch like this. He'd made Bill feel horrible because of it earlier but it had nothing to do with the other man. He would've avoided being touched by almost anyone. With Stan, however, he wanted to curl up with him. To touch and be touched and take the comfort that came with it. He smiled as Stan spoke. He'd never thought that his friend was a coward or the weakest of them. He just handled fear differently. He didn't have that same anger within him. When Eddie spoke, however, he made no mention of his bravery or the fear the two of them seemed to carry with them at all times. "I love you, too, Stanley." He said because hearing all of that meant more than he had the words to say and, really, Stan should know he was loved. "I'm glad we have you back. I'm sorry the others aren't here to tell you the same." He stopped and thought. "Or maybe I'm not. I'd hate to have to physically fight them for your attention."

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-22 04:22 am UTC (link)
It was true, if they'd remembered each other at all they would have found one another again, things would have been completely different for all of them - Stan didn't even know what the others had been up to in their lives after they'd left Derry but he was certain that things would have changed for all of them, missing so much of themselves like that made them all different people.

"Big Bill?" Stan's mouth fell open in disbelief. "Come on you're kidding, there's no way!" He laughed, delighted at the idea of it. "Oh man I can't believe it, that's amazing. I can't believe it's taken you this long to tell me. It seems like a first five seconds kind of thing." It was obvious that Stan was pleased by the way things had turned out, finally being taller than someone was an achievement all its own. "Any other big news like that I should know that you've just been waiting to spring on me?" He asked curious now.

He'd missed out on a lot when he hadn't made good on his promise, not just the rest of his life but the chance to see the Losers again, to see how they had all turned out for himself, to reconnect and finally feel whole again. But that would have meant facing his fears and he hadn't been able to do that. "I'm glad I'm here too." He agreed, and he was maybe a little surprised to find that it was true, for all that he was still worried about what all of this meant, he was glad that it turned out that what he'd done wasn't quite as final as he thought it might have been.

It was an easy thing to hang on to Eddie like this, to wrap an arm around him and press close and it didn't feel weird or wrong or bad or any of the things that it might have felt with someone else, or if he'd been younger. It was just good and he was glad they could do this again. He could understand that wish that the other could be here too, but it felt a little bit cruel to wish that on someone, especially someone he loved. He laughed and shook his head though. "I love you Eds, you know you never have to fight for a little bit of my attention."

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-23 06:15 am UTC (link)
It was possible none of them would've actually married. Maybe they all would've found words to express how they felt about each other. How they all loved each in way that ran deeper than friendship. Maybe they would've married within the group but, Eddie was sure, he probably would've referred to any of the Losers as his spouse. Maybe it was weird but it wasn't like they were all going to try and file taxes together so it wasn't illegal and it wasn't hurting anyone.

"Yeah. Big Bill Denbrough is shorter than me now. He's tiny and it's all kinds of adorable. He still wears flannel. Never grew out of that. He's actually a pretty popular author too. Horror mostly. His books get made into movies." And, okay, maybe Eddie was a little proud of Bill. "The biggest change is probably Ben. He's... I mean, look, I think Richie's attractive, okay, but even he'd agree with me. Ben is hot now. Like..." How did Richie describe. "Every Brazilian soccer player rolled into one." All of the Losers had grown up pretty attractive though. "I guess you all grew up pretty attractive though. Yourself included, Stan." He teased. "Just... Ben's the biggest difference. He was always cute, nice to hug, but, yeah, hot." He'd be happy to get Stan caught up on what the others were doing with their lives too. He didn't just have to talk about how attractive or tiny and adorable they were.

Once they had fully remembered him none of the Losers had actually held that broken promise against Stan. They all missed him more than they could ever be angry or disappointed. He still wished the others were around. Wished that they could be here and see Stan for themselves. That Stan could see them. They all deserved a reunion where some horrible nightmare creature wasn't hanging over their heads. Maybe it would happen one day. For now, however, he was content to have Stan and Richie.

Stan was warm and comforting. Leaning against him felt like home in the same way that being with Richie felt like home. "You say that but you'd be swamped with attention." He hummed. He couldn't even blame them. He had the benefit of only having to share Stan with Richie and Stan had always fit right in to whatever they could be doing. He tried not to think about the fact that he might be too. That they might all stare at him in the same way that Richie had. He didn't want to go through that again and he didn't want that for Stan. "At the risk of ruining our good mood... did Richie tell you about it?" He asked because maybe Stan should know what happened in case the others showed up. If he knew there was no more to be discussed. He was sure Stan wouldn't want to go into details.

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-24 06:50 pm UTC (link)
Stan loved hearing about the other losers, especially like this, from Eddie who was clearly enjoying telling him all about how Big Bill Denbrough was now not quite as big as he'd been in all their memories. He'd have loved to see it, just like he'd have loved to see Ben for himself, though his eyebrows inched up toward his hairline while Eddie regaled him with tales of how Ben Hanscom was now hot. "He must have turned out very hot to have made such an impression on you." He chuckled, but he supposed he could believe it, it had been years since he'd seen any of the losers, they all could have changed massively in that time. He liked thought that he could get an idea of it with Eddie's help.

"You're gonna have to tell me more about everyone else too." He added, because he wanted to know, even while it hurt. He wanted to know about his friends and the lives that they'd built in the years since he'd seen them last. "Eventually." They didn't have to get into all of it right now, not while some of it was raw and painful, but yeah - he wanted to know. Maybe one day they'd sow up here? As horrible as that might be for them, and as selfish as it might be to have it, Stan had some small bit of hope that maybe one day he'd get to see at least some of them again.

This though was - well it was nice, better than nice. Eddie was everything he'd remembered him to be and more and everything he needed after showing up here. He could say the same for Richie too really, and maybe any of the other losers. He'd been incredibly lucky to have them both here when he arrived. He didn't think he'd have survived showing up on his own.

"It?" He asked, he didn't think that Eddie meant the thing they called It, and he shook his head. "I mean I don't - we haven't talked a lot about what actually happened." He admitted and he'd been okay with that, because he didn't know how he'd take any of that, knowing both what he'd missed out on and maybe the guilt that would come from not having been there himself. "He said it was finished, that you won." That had felt like enough.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-26 06:18 am UTC (link)
"Everyone turned out hot. It was a nightmare." He laughed. "Richie and I probably look the worst out of all of us." He said before his smile turned fond. "I like the way Richie looks though." In his opinion the other was still handsome. Maybe he wasn't Ben's level of attractive but that didn't matter. Something about Richie had always appealed to him. Even with those thick glasses and the constantly unruly hair. Even in stupid Hawaiian shirts. Maybe he was just stupid and in love. "I guess I always have. It's weird, I know."

Talking about the other Losers had a way of bringing a smile to his face. It had when he was a kid chatting to an adult about his friends while Sirius magicked a few shelves on the walls. "Sure. Any time you want. Some of them are actually pretty famous. It's a little annoying. Richie's a celebrity and I'm the world's shittiest risk analyst." The fact that they were famous and had been household names made the magic of Derry that much more unbelievable. He had seen Richie on tv and in his Netflix specials. He had read Bill's books. He just hadn't remembered them. He didn't even realize that he knew them. There had been a vague sense of familiarity with the names but he could shrug it off and often did. He wondered if it was the same for Stan. If he could bring him one of Bill's books and have him be a little confused because he couldn't immediately connect the man on the dust sleeve to the man he now remembered.

He hugged Stan a little tighter and nuzzled slightly against him. He was happy just to have the other man there with him. He hadn't thought he'd get that chance again. He wasn't willing to let go and he didn't actually want to disturb this peace. They were both so happy at the moment, even if he was fighting with Richie and they were missing their other friends. He just didn't want it all dropped on the other man when or if the other Losers arrived.

"Uh... yeah." He said because he was sure he could work with that. "We did. We won. I'm not sure about the details. Richie told me about it after I wound up here. I didn't get to see it." And that, really, was all he was going to say about it. They didn't have to talk about it in depth. They didn't even have to touch on it again. Stan was smart and Eddie was sure the way he was clinging to him now told him everything he needed to know.

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-27 07:31 pm UTC (link)
Stan couldn't help laughing at Eddie's admission that everyone turned out hot. "Oh come on, the worst? I don't believe that." He said shaking his head at the very idea of such a thing. "I think it's probably safe to say we all turned out pretty hot." Well maybe not him, Stan thought maybe he was handsome, but hot? That was the sort of thing reserved for - well every male soccer player or something like that. But the point remained, all of them had grown up into some manner of attractive sort of people, though maybe that was the part of Stan talking that was more than a little bit in love with them all.

This was nice though, he liked hearing how good things had been going for his friends like this. Richie was a celebrity, and Eddie of course was as brilliant as ever and then Bill with his books there were so many things that they had gone on to do with their lives, if he'd been younger he never would have believed they'd make it out of Derry let alone manage to do so well for themselves. "Leave it to the Losers to grow up and figure out how to be amazing." Maybe it had been something about Derry that had done it to them, they were the only ones aware of what had been happening at the time, maybe that meant something? Maybe they were just that good. It was hard to say and Stand didn't feel like he had to define it really. It just was and that was enough.

That and the way Eddie pressed close like this, so that Stan could lean into him and press his face against the top of his head for a moment and just bask in it, this thing that he never thought he'd get to have again. As long as he got to keep this, with Eddie, with Richie, well he thought maybe he could handle anything else.

Though when Eddie told him a little bit more about what had happened well - Stan could fill in the blanks that were there. Richie's hesitance to say anything, and now Eddie confirming that he hadn't seen them win - he didn't need to be told to understand. And he found himself tugging Eddie a little bit closer, his grip on him tightening as he tried not to allow guilt to overwhelm him, he knew Eddie wouldn't think that way - even if a cruel voice in the back of his mind was more than happy to say it had been his fault.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-28 03:27 am UTC (link)
"Yeah, well you haven't seen the others. Mike's the world's sexiest librarian. Ben's the hottest... whatever he was? Architect? I've ever seen. Beverly has always been pretty but she's gorgeous now. And Bill? He's small and it's adorable but he makes it work in this way that's just... I couldn't even make being short work. Richie's got these broad shoulders now and this smile that lights up the room." And then there was Stan. Stan with his button nose and curly hair. With that warm smile and those arms that seemed to just fit around him or Richie or, probably, any of the other Losers. This whole thing was just ridiculous and criminal. They should all be locked up.

He hummed happily at the idea that the Losers had just been that good. That they'd escaped Derry and had gone on to lead successful lives. Maybe their relationships weren't what they wanted them to be but they made up for it in other areas. "Yeah..." He agreed. "We were all pretty amazing even those of us who weren't famous." He assumed Stan was brilliant in what he did too. He wasn't famous. He was like Eddie and had a more private life but he had a wife and a career. He'd been happy and that was more than enough. "It's fucking weird though. I've read Bill's books. I've seen Richie's comedy specials. There was this, like, deja vu thing going on but I couldn't connect them. I didn't remember them. I didn't remember anything until Mike mentioned Derry." Before that. When he'd looked up and saw the name of their hometown. "The name even had some kind of magic to it, I think."

It didn't matter now. They were far away from that place. They remembered and they had each other again. They were happy. Which made Eddie feel like shit for ruining all of that. For making Stan feel like he needed to hold onto him tighter and hug him closer. "Hey..." He said softly then, a little louder, "Stan." He said, demanding the other's attention, demanding he be pulled away from his thoughts. "It's not your fault." He said as if he knew exactly what was going on in the other's mind. "It's not your fault or Mike's fault. It's not Bill's fault. It's not Richie's fault. It's no one's fault. It...It was my choice." And he felt like anyone assuming it was anything but his choice was kind of cheapening it. "Just like this was yours." It was a sacrifice they had both made for the people they loved. It was no one's fault. "I love them. I love you. I love him more than I love anything or anybody. Myself included. I'd do it again if it meant they all survived." He hoped they were happy in the end. He hoped Richie would find happiness again if he ever had to leave here. He refused to regret it or let anyone blame themselves for it.

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-28 04:42 am UTC (link)
"Trust me, you make all of this work for you," Stan was quick to promise Eddie when he started to compare himself to the others. But that had never been the way they'd worked even when they'd been younger, they'd all been unique, bringing their own troubles and fears and strengths to the group and Stan refused to believe it wasn't the same now that they were grown. They were all unique and they didn't need to start comparing themselves one to another. Eddie was plenty hot, Stan could see that much without having to be told, though he'd tell Eddie the same if it came down to it.

Stan wasn't sure if he'd ended up amazing or not, not for sure - but he'd had a good life. He'd worked hard and he'd built up something from nothing, without the help of anyone other than Patty. But they'd built up something amazing together, so maybe he could count himself among their amazing members. "It is strange, I'd seen some of Richie actually, I didn't realize it at the time - but it was all just - it was weird, the way we still managed to drift toward one another despite everything." The forgetting was the worst part of it all, how much had been taken from them depriving them of their biggest strength. He had a feeling there were times they all could have used a bit of that during the course of their lives.

"All I had to do was hear Mike's voice and it all came back." He admitted quietly, Mike didn't even have to tell him, he'd known it the second he'd answered the call that had come. He shivered at the memory of it, pushing it aside so he didn't start thinking about what had come after.

Not here, where he had Eddie pressed against him and they were safe he didn't have to think about all of that. But he couldn't help it, especially now, knowing a little more about what had happened and what he should have been there to help stop. And though he heard everything Eddie said he couldn't help the way that knowledge weighed on him. "We swore." He said it softly, his voice thick with emotion that he was trying to keep a tight reign on. "I promised I'd come back." The scar had come back and it was a reminder of what they'd done and what they'd promised when the time came and he'd broken that promise. "I should have been there." He should have been brave, for Eddie and for Richie, and Bev, and Ben, and Mike, and for Bill. He should have been brave enough for them. And even with that guilt weighing on him Stan knew he wouldn't have been any good to them, he'd made that choice because he'd known that - that he would only get them hurt and he did it because he loved them. The same as Eddie. "I - I would do it again though." He said after a moment, the truth of it settling some small piece of that guilt. "If it meant I wasn't holding you back." And that's why he'd done it in the first place, he would have only hurt them.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-11-28 09:06 pm UTC (link)
There were years apart to make up for. Walking into Jade of the Orient and seeing Bill and Mike, watching the others as they found their way in. Watching Richie eventually wander in (in the most annoying way possible). Well, he was pretty sure he'd done a pretty good job of repressing everything. Of repressing who he was. He could focus on the fact that he was married to a woman and tell himself that that made everything better. Seeing the other Losers again, however, brought all of that bubbling back to the surface. They were all hot and it was entirely possible that Eddie had spent a good half hour in a gay panic as he took them all in. There may have been some of that still lingering and that was why he was comparing himself to the other Losers. Or maybe it was just Stan because Stan hadn't been there before. Eddie hadn't had a chance to see just how hot Stan had grown up and panic over that. Even if that panicking was taking the form of being warm and comfortable in the other's arms. He chuckled and shook his head at the compliment though. "Shut up, Stanley." He said, voice warm and smile just a little shy at that.

It didn't matter if Stan thought he was amazing. Eddie thought the other man was amazing. Eddie let out a hum and nodded. "Yeah." He said softly. "They were all household names and I just... I never connected any of it to myself. Never connected them to myself." But he had been drawn to Richie. He'd watched the man's specials with an odd sort of pride in spite of telling everyone who'd listen that Richie wasn't funny. It was the same with Bill's books. He hated the ending, complained about them, but he'd still read them. He'd buy every single book and, occasionally, just stare at the author's picture on the dust cover. Something inside of him had still known in a way. Had still realized that he loved these people and that these faces were ones he should hold onto.

None of it had actually connected until that call from Mike. "I just looked up on my caller ID and saw the name of the town." He said softly. "Derry. It all came flooding back in this rush." It had to be the town that held the magic. Maybe he wouldn't have remembered if Mike had just started with his name. He didn't want to think about it. They didn't have to.

Eddie frowned at Stan's words, reaching up to touch the side of his face. Richie no longer had his scar. Eddie had seen the other man's hands enough to realize that it was gone now. Eddie's scar was still there. Still standing out on his hand as a reminder of the promise they made. That hand touched the side of Stan's face, thumb stroking along his cheekbone as he tried to comfort the other. As he made Stan look at him. "We didn't think any less of you once we remembered you. We just... god, Stan, we just fucking missed you." And, okay, maybe he teared up a little at the memory but that was okay. "None of us wanted you to force yourself into that situation again." He said softly. Hearing that he would do it again wasn't a comforting thought but, he assumed, neither was the thought of Eddie dying for them. So he didn't like it but he understood. The sacrifices they made were out of love for these people who meant the world to them. These people they loved more than they could ever love themselves. He nodded and pulled Stan down into a tighter hug so he could press a kiss to his hair. "Just not here." He said softly. "Neither of us are allowed to die here. You aren't allowed to leave me or Richie."

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[info]stanbyme
2019-11-30 07:24 am UTC (link)
Stan could only grin when he managed to get Eddie to use his full name and not some variation on it that he was always so fond of using whenever he was referring to him. It was a small victory perhaps, but one that Stan was only too happy to take.

"I know what you mean." He agreed, it hadn't been fair to realize that - that those people he'd seen and read and heard about were the people he cared about most and he just didn't remember it at the time. Things could have been so different. Their lives would have been so many other things. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it might have been but he knew things would have turned out differently. All he really knew was that they all would have been a lot closer together if they'd known.

But there wasn't anything any of them could do about it now. It was just unfair and they were all going to have to live with that - or ... well whatever it was he was doing now. Second living?

He nodded when Eddie told him what it had been like for him, seeing the name of the town and the memories coming back to him. He'd heard Mike's voice and that had been it for him - all of it was back, he'd known without Mike even telling him and he knew before the call was over what he was going to do.

Eddie was too good, Stan had known that all his life but he was reminded of that now with Eddie promising him that all they had done was miss him when they head what he'd done. "None of us should have been forced into it." He said with no small amount of bitterness, that town that place it wasn't right for a bunch of kids to have to fight off that thing, anymore than it was right that any of them should have had to go back to face it a second time. But the rest of them had done it - they'd been brave and strong enough to do what Stan hadn't. "We're not doing it again," He agreed, leaning into Eddie, he'd done it once before and maybe he'd have done it again if he thought it was all that would save his friends, but he got a feeling that sort of thing wouldn't be necessary in a place like this. "I'm not going anywhere. Not now that I've found you." He promised, he wasn't going to leave them. He couldn't.

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[info]ekaspbrak
2019-12-03 11:55 pm UTC (link)
Stan was right. None of them should've been forced into it and, maybe, if Derry had been a better place, if the adults had cared more, if the Denbroughs had been better parents or just fucking there for Bill they wouldn't have been. Bill probably blamed himself for their deaths the way he'd blamed himself for Georgie and that hurt and it sucked because he could never tell the other man just how stupid he was for thinking that. How offended he was that he could think of their sacrifices as anything but a choice they had both made for the people they loved the most. "You're right, but... I think I would've done that again too." He said after a moment's worth of thought.

There was a lot he would've changed about that summer. He wouldn't have wanted to go back in and he sure as shit wouldn't try to get Stan to come along. They were all allowed to make their own choices on that one without judgement. If the situation called for it though he would join them all over again. Broken arm, near death experience, psycho mom and all. "I wouldn't ask you to do it though and I would try screaming some sense into Bill's parents first. Fuck them."

They didn't have to worry about being flung back in time and having to do the whole thing over again. This place didn't work that way. When they ended up kids here they got to run around in the relative safety of Starklandia. It was much better than trying to argue their way out of stomping through grey water and fighting off the nightmare clowns that would, eventually, kill them.

He wrapped his arms a little tighter around Stan as the other leaned against him, just wanting to cling to him. To hold him like he didn't quite believe the other wouldn't disappear on him. "You better not." He murmured. "I love you so much but I'll kick your ass if even think about leaving me again." He doubted he and Richie could ever go back to the way things had been. To a world where they had never got the chance to meet and talk to and just cling to their friend. "I won't go anywhere either. Someone has to take care of the two of you."

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