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Tweak says, "DRAKE. TF."

Eddie Kaspbrak (ekaspbrak) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-10-14 17:07:00

Entry tags:

eddie kaspbrak, richie tozier

Who: Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak
What: Little Eddie may have made a mess of things
Where: The Loser House
When: Sunday night into Monday morning?

So maybe things hadn’t been perfect. Maybe he’d freaked out a little and ruined things but not really. It had disrupted the routine a little but things had gotten back on track. Richie had even brought him back something from some Eddie-less adventure he went on with that Dick guy. Maybe it was kind of childish (because he was 13 and they’d been living on their own so they were practically adults) but the stupid penguin was the greatest thing ever and had a prominent place in their bed since the other had brought it back. Which meant it had a place in the hammock too when they decided to curl up in there for the night.

Or when Richie did. Eddie had tried valiantly to get him to move. To go back upstairs where they had fucking pillows and blankets and a mattress. Upstairs where it was too fucking dark for his liking. It ended with teasing and a pissed off Eddie storming upstairs… which probably surprised Richie until he returned with both the penguin and a blanket from the bed they’d been sharing. Figuring Richie wouldn’t move, because when had he ever been helpful, Eddie just crawled right in tumbling over his best friend until he was curled up next to him; blanket pulled across and over both of them, bathing them both in darkness. If he pressed a hesitant kiss good night to the other’s lips they didn’t need to talk about it. Maybe he’d messed up before by running away but the feelings were still there. After talking with Sirius and hearing Sirius talk about Moony he didn’t regret having them.

Eddie woke to sunlight filtering in through the large window at the front of their house. His cheek hurting, his back hurting. He didn’t remember doing much rough housing the night before. At least… nothing that would’ve lead to actual bumps and bruises. They were lucky his mom wasn’t there. She’d stick him in the hospital for a week. Blinking his eyes open he was surprised to find himself curled up against a much larger male body in clothes that definitely didn’t fit him. It only took a moment to connect the guy in the hammock with him to Richie and realize that, yes, they were definitely curled up together in a hammock that, thank god, was big and sturdy enough to hold two adults.

The memories came back then, accompanied with a minor panic attack. “What the fuck did I do?” Maybe he would’ve run. Maybe he would’ve gone to what he was remembering was his favored hiding spot (huddled behind the house out of view because he wasn’t going to run anywhere too far) until his hand came in contact with a penguin wearing a bowtie and, oh. Richie loved him, didn’t he? The proof was on the door and in a stupid gift he’d brought back specifically for him. It was in memories of ties and brushed hair and a realization of what he’d been looking for.

Of course, Eddie handled it in the most romantic and kindest way he knew how. He kicked Richie in the shin. “Wake up, fucker, we need to talk.”

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trashmouthloser
2019-10-15 11:39 pm UTC (link)

What the fuck, Richie, was the absolute right question. Richie was asking himself that too. Multiple times. It was basically just on repeat in the background of his brain. He didn't really have an answer for himself or Eddie though, and so didn't bother trying to find one. Sometimes there just wasn't.

Or, well, the one there was had so many years and layers on it that there was no real getting to the bottom of it. Not on a time limit anyway, and Richie was pretty sure he'd just put himself on one of those -- Eddie was only going to have so much patience with him, after all. Which. Fair.

When Eddie settled back down -- even if he was without the penguin, which kinda hurt Richie somewhere deep down even though he knew that was both on him and kind of a stupid thing to obsess over right now -- Richie willed the tension to leak out of his shoulders. It only sort of worked. "I'm an idiot and an asshole," he said first off. Might as well get the really obvious shit out of the way. "Eds -- I wasn't. I just get nervous and stupid and I just --" He rubbed at his face, pushing his glasses up onto his forehead to really give his eyelids a good rub down. "I meant everything I said the other day."

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ekaspbrak
2019-10-16 01:05 am UTC (link)

And, yes, there was a time limit. He'd never had an endless amount of patience to begin with. That was, probably, Bill because Bill was the leader and a natural big brother. He had patience. Eddie wasn't Bill. He could put up with a lot, sure, and his feelings for Richie often lead to the other having a little more wiggle room than anyone else but all that was far from limitless. It didn't mean that he didn't wait for the other to collect himself and his thoughts.

Mr. Fuckface the Dapper was currently somewhere in the void that existed between them. Occupying that space of the hammock between Richie's sprawled legs and the ball Eddie had managed to tuck himself into, with his knees pulled up under his chin. It wasn't far enough that Richie's leg couldn't still brush up against him. Maybe that was a residual affect from being teenagers but Eddie still wanted that contact. That touch that had been so normal when they were younger.

He already knew Richie was an idiot and an asshole. He'd been thinking it a little more the past few moments but that wasn't a big shocker. The rest of it though... it was a little more in line with what he'd been hoping to hear when he opened himself up. Maybe it wasn't a confession but it was a start to a conversation. "You meant it when you said you were going to live in this fucking hammock and I should just bring all your meals here?" It was his turn to be an asshole. He knew what Richie meant. "Yeah. You said you're right here. You aren't going anywhere." He followed up before he could be accused of trying to wiggle out of it.

At the same time it felt like Eddie's confession had more weight behind it and if he waited then Richie was never going to get around to actually telling him what he wanted to hear. He'd say something close but never directly. "Do you love me? Did you? As a kid, maybe? For a summer when everything went to shit around us? Now? Then? Ever?"

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lemme try that again

trashmouthloser
2019-10-16 01:38 am UTC (link)

Bill had always had a lot of patience, that was true. It was probably easier to be kinder, to wait for others to gather their words and their wits when he'd had to do the same for himself so often, lest he stutter more than he already did. In comparison, Eddie had always been a little bit of a hothead when it came to waiting -- or tolerating things that were obnoxious.

Richie'd always pushed the limits of what he was allowed, had always taken hours and miles when he'd been given minutes and inches. He'd always been a little bit secretly concerned that one day they just wouldn't put up with him anymore, which kind of just made him push harder. He'd been pretty dumb. Still was, apparently.

He crossed one arm over his chest, scratched at his neck awkwardly with his free hand once he was done rubbing at his face and his too-tight glasses were back on his face properly. There'd be no blurring or tuning this out. Rich needed the clarity of it. He smiled faintly over the question, because fair was fair and he had declared his intention of living in the hammock, okay?

"Yikes," he murmured. "Just getting to the hard questions right away, huh?" It was true, Rich -- even as a kid, had never quite said what he meant. He'd just done an awful lot of implying, had tried to make his actions mean more than the words he didn't say. It was hard to break out of the walls he'd built for himself his entire life, to just go out there and say something he'd barely let himself think about for so long. But Eddie'd done it. Several times now.

"Before that summer, even," He admitted, and if he stretched his leg just enough to press against Eddie's thigh. Well. It was a thing he did. "During that summer. Every fucking day until we both moved away and --" Forgot. They'd forgotten each other. But there'd always been something missing, hadn't there? "And then again when we all met up again in Derry and --" He had to look away, because fuck if talking about this didn't make him a little nauseous. "After." After Eddie'd died, and Rich had had to be dragged the entire way out of Neibolt -- not one single fucking step he'd taken had been his own. Because he fucking loved Eddie and he hadn't seen the point in it, in not just being buried there with him. And Eddie deserved to know that.

"I've always loved you, okay?" Saying it out loud was somehow simultaneously the most relieving thing he'd ever done and the most stressful, like maybe two parts of his brain were just warring over the concept.

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ekaspbrak
2019-10-16 04:46 pm UTC (link)

"Yeah. If I wait for you to actually say it I'll be fucking 70 years old." And still waiting. This was scary. He knew that. He got that. It was a big deal. They'd both spent their lives hiding this... and maybe that was just an assumption about Richie. As an adult he could make himself believe that part of what was going on was wishful thinking. That the fact that Richie hadn't shoved him away meant something when, really, all it meant was that he didn't want to hurt Eddie's feelings. He could even be made to believe that Richie hadn't kissed him back at the party. That was all well and good but he would rather have the truth of it. If Richie felt anything. Ever. If he no longer felt that way because it was a few days ago but also 27 years ago. If he was just worried about shattering his overly breakable friend. Whatever. Eddie would just prefer it out in the open.

"Even if you don't anymore or never did. I'd rather hear that. At least that way I could..." Move on. Find someone else. Understand that this wasn't something that was happening and try to open himself up to someone else. He would keep the penguin though. Even if it was some sad reminder.

Or maybe it wouldn't be. When Richie spoke again it was... what he'd been hoping for but not expecting. Before that summer. During that summer. Every day until they forgot each other. When they met up again in Derry. After... He didn't need an explanation for that one. He wasn't going to push when they both knew what he meant. Eddie still didn't want the details of his own death.

Slowly, he stretched his own legs out, allowing more of them to touch and fill in the voids he'd left when he pulled back so near completely. Finding the penguin with his foot, he leaned forward enough to pick it back up and hold onto it. "I wish I had actually known back then." Because maybe it would've changed everything or maybe it wouldn't have and they just didn't know. Derry was terrible.

"I'm here." He said softly. "I'm right here, Rich." He was alive and breathing and existing in the same space. Whether or not this place was a second chance didn't matter. He didn't plan on going anywhere as long as he could help it.

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trashmouthloser
2019-10-16 05:46 pm UTC (link)

Eddie probably wasn't wrong -- if he didn't ask directly, if he'd just planned on waiting for Richie to get his head out of his ass, it probably wouldn't happen. Not because Richie didn't want to, mind. He was just. Scared, maybe. Because somewhere between being a child scared of revealing a big secret and getting beat up or worse for it, and becoming and adult who was worried about his career, it'd just become this Big Thing covered with so much fucking shame that he'd just buried it.

Somewhere along the line, he'd made peace with the idea of just living a lie and being fine with it. So long as he was funny it didn't really matter if he was happy.

But Eddie'd never really been one for dealing with Richie's bullshit. Eddie's very presence was like a call-out. A sexy and very compact call-out. The kind that made Richie want to be better, and to want better things. God damnit, Eddie just made him feel a whole lot of shit, and he wanted it. Him. Richie wanted Eddie. And he always had. The very idea that Eddie could possibly move on put a whole damn lot of different fear into him.

He let out a laugh, giddy and nervous and maybe a precursor to a sob, he wasn't even fucking sure, if he was being honest -- which he was. He was being more honest than he'd ever been before, in fact. "I never thought -- you know. What were the odds? That kinda shit doesn't happen." But he hated it. Hated the idea that they could have done something about it, that things could have been different and maybe neither of them ever would have had to be lonely or lost or scared. That maybe if he'd been brave enough back then, Eddie might even still be alive right now.

Well. He was alive right now, but he hadn't been, and that wasn't a thought that was going away any time soon, even if he was pointedly trying to ignore it right now. It helped that Eddie was pointing out he was here -- words he'd said not that long ago himself. He reached down to loop his fingers around Eddie's ankle that was pressing up against his thigh and inhaled sharp and shaky. "Now what?" He asked, because he had a few ideas but -- "Wait. No. I've got a fucking confession to make. I hope it doesn't shock you too much and make you change your mind, here. I'm just. I'm just really fucking gay, Eds. Your mom never did it for me." And look, even if it came out (haha, get it) as a joke, it was still something true, and something he'd never, ever said out loud. Not even to himself.

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ekaspbrak
2019-10-18 09:15 pm UTC (link)

"I was always afraid I was being a little obvious so I'd be a little shit to even things out." He admitted because how could his odd way of affection be taken any other way? How could Richie be sat on and slapped in the face with his foot and not realize that Eddie was in love with him? "I was sure you were just going to get tired of my bullshit one day and just call me out." He wouldn't know what to do then. If Richie had ever actually gotten angry at Eddie's brand of affection and asked what his deal was... what would he do? How could he have ever hoped to explain himself and save the friendship? He couldn't. He knew that. Either Richie assumed he hated him and pulled back completely because he didn't fucking need it or he told the other boy everything and Richie hated him for it.

Maybe if Derry had been a better town, if adults had actually given a shit and creeps like Bowers and his gang weren't allowed to beat up or carve their names into people things would've been different. Maybe they could've said something to each other. Maybe they wouldn't have had to hide.

Because the subject was heavy for both of them, because the contact was there and Eddie would always prefer making Richie smile he nudged the other with his foot. Just to get his mind off the things they couldn't change.

This time the joke was appreciated. This time Eddie actually laughed a little, though he did his best to cover it by putting a hand over his mouth. His eyes still sparkled with the laughter. "Same." He said because, yes, here he could see it. He knew that Myra was a carbon copy of his mother. That he'd married his mom and fallen back into a pattern of letting other people dictate who he was and how he should behave. A pattern that he would never let himself consider too much because it came with the idea that, maybe, it was abusive in a way. Eddie wasn't ready to focus on that.

"I'm..." And he struggled with the word. Struggled with the confession because it had been easy to kiss and to say he was in love but so much harder to label himself. "Gay." He managed. "I thought I could change it. I thought if I listened to my mother and married Myra I could fix myself and not be... but I am."

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trashmouthloser
2019-10-18 10:46 pm UTC (link)

"I just thought you were being an asshole," Richie said with a smile that spoke of whatever the exact opposite of thinking someone was an asshole was. He was just fond really. Just like he'd been back then. But if he was really going to look into it, Richie would have to admit he'd never really stopped to think about why Eddie had acted the way he did, because he'd been too busy hoping that the sheer amount of attention he was getting wouldn't ever stop -- it didn't matter if he was getting slapped in the face with a foot because it was Eddie doing it and Richie want, want, wanted. Jesus, he still did. Eddie could do the same thing now and he'd just get idiot butterflies about it. "But clearly, I was a glutton." Even if Richie had made faces and they'd bickered back and forth sometimes, he'd never have asked Eddie to stop.

That the joke worked enough to make Eddie smile and laugh --? That was such a good fucking feeling and it got Richie to relax, at least a little bit, to exhale slow and loud while some of the anxiety that'd been mounting on him melted off. At least a little. There was still -- well. Something. Something that'd probably last for a long time even if he didn't want it to. But there was no shrugging off thirty years of worries and secrets in one go, that wasn't a thing. But maybe he could get to feeling like he didn't need to throw up about it. That was a win.

There were no jokes when Eddie took his turn though, because Richie could always make a joke out of himself, but there were times when it just wasn't right to do it to someone else. Especially not Eddie, when he was so clearly struggling. Rich probably would have too, if he hadn't made it a crack. Neither of them were shocked about these revelations, considering. But it was probably important to just say them out loud. Lord knew Richie could go on and on making up excuses about stuff like this. It didn't count if it was just Eddie or something as equally stupid. "There's nothing to fix," he said after a moment of silent consideration.

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ekaspbrak
2019-10-19 06:14 am UTC (link)

"Fair. I was kind of being an asshole but there was a reason behind it." The smile was kind of worth being called an asshole though. He could read Richie pretty easily. He knew a fond smile when he saw one. Even if, as a child, he'd tried to pretend that Richie's smiles or the way he looked at him were meaningless. "And, yeah, dude. I would say you were a glutton. Anyone else would've gotten pissed off and punched me." Richie never seemed to get all that pissed at him even if he made faces or complained. Even when they bickered and fought. "Actually, I'm pretty sure all you had to do was tell me to cut it out and I would've backed off so quickly..." Deep down he'd been scared. If Richie didn't like it or want to tolerate it then Eddie would've pulled back. He was glad it had never come to that.

Admitting to who he was, to what he'd always been attracted to, was hard. There was a lifetime of repression. Years of hearing from his mother, from the town of Derry, that it was wrong. That he was wrong for feeling the way he did even if they never knew that was exactly what they were telling him. It had made him feel like he was sick. Dirty. He'd internalized quite a bit of that and used it as a reason to suppress everything he felt. To not even think about it. "I felt like there was." He admitted and, maybe, Richie knew that feeling too. Maybe he was a little more self aware than Eddie who'd tried to shut down every feeling he'd had but maybe he understood what it was like to think you were wrong for feeling the way you did. "I did... what I thought I was supposed to. Even when I didn't necessarily want to or like it."

He was silent again for a moment, just letting the weight of what they'd both gone through sink in a little. They'd both been living in denial for so long. "Do you want to... try?" He asked because there was a question of what came next. Should they take the next steps together? Try to start something. Maybe it wouldn't be perfect. They still had his death and the weight of 27 years worth of suppression holding them down. He was willing to try though. "I mean. Your hair's not brushed, you aren't wearing a tie, you look ridiculous in my clothes, even if they are child sized, but you let me get through something without a joke about my mom. That's pretty fucking romantic for you. Add a tie and I may have melted."

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trashmouthloser
2019-10-20 12:17 am UTC (link)

Yeah, that never would have happened -- even on one of Richie's worst days, he wouldn't have told Eddie off for anything. Richie loved all of the Losers, of course, but all of them had their differences and occasionally grievances. But Richie'd never been mad or annoyed with Eddie, not really. And there wouldn't have been any reason he could think of to really ever think otherwise. He'd been too fond, too hopeful. Too busy trying to be equally annoying back at Eddie because a little attention didn't cut it when he could be getting a lot instead.

In some ways, Richie Tozier really hadn't changed much in those twenty seven years. In other ways, he might possibly just be a whole different and new person. And so might Eddie. It was sort of an interesting, curious thought. And Richie -- well.

He was certain of one thing, at the very least. He wanted to find out who they could be now more than he wanted to just reminisce on who they'd been.

"I know," he said, because -- well. He did. Maybe not the exact same way, and he hadn't taken the exact same path as Eddie but there was truth in his words. "I did too. I still -- it's. Hard. But it's all bullshit, isn't it?" He asked, and struggled a little to sit up more because chilling back in a hammock didn't feel right for this kind of conversation. "Why should we be suffering just to meet someone else's ignorant standards?" They shouldn't. That was the answer. It was rhetorical, or something. They didn't need to make more excuses for their own misery.

"Fuck you," Richie said, over Eddie's assessment of the moment and Richie in it. Yeah. He was an absolute mess right now that no amount of brushed hair or a tie probably could have fixed because his clothes were way too small and he hadn't even brushed his teeth or scavenged up any coffee yet. He'd had better mornings.

But none that he could remember.

This shit was kinda perfect, and Richie loved Eddie. Loved that he was jokingly unimpressed with him even as he was asking for more. And fuck if it didn't make his heart melt a little, and his smile to go goofy. "Eds," he said, honestly -- maybe too honestly, but now seemed like the best and maybe only time he could get this out without fucking it up for himself. "I've lived my life without you in it for too fucking long. I'm gonna do better than try."

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ekaspbrak
2019-10-28 04:48 pm UTC (link)

Eddie looked up again at Richie's words. Of course he understood. Their paths were different but, ultimately, the same. They had been two little boys hopelessly in love with each other. Scared of the world. Scared of what would happen if anyone else found out. Afraid of being beaten up, afraid of their parents. Afraid of their friends. Mostly though they'd been afraid of losing each other. They'd been made to believe that the only way to deal with any of this was to hide it. So they had for years. They'd both lived lives they didn't want because they'd let other people dictate who they should be. It was all bullshit. They both knew that. Maybe here they could start living the lives they wanted. Even if it took time.

Eddie laughed again as Richie cussed at him, finding humor in the words and the situation. He knew he probably didn't look much better. The clothing he had on was too small for him too. The shirt too tight and riding up over his stomach, too much of his legs showing in too tight sweatpants that he just wanted out of. His hair was a mess instead of brushed as neatly as possible. He looked terrible but Richie didn't seem to think so. He hadn't even brought up the idea that maybe Eddie did. A joke about his own appearance could be made but it wasn't and that meant something. Richie would never miss an opportunity to tease when it was presented.

The smile hadn't actually changed too much since they were kids even if Eddie had. It was still bright but shy in the same way it had been as kids. It was still a smile reserved for Richie and only Richie though Eddie doubted he'd ever actually caught on to that fact. He'd never smiled that way for anyone else. He smiled that smile at Richie as he got up and moved, hammock swaying as he tucked himself back into that place he'd abandoned at the start of this. "You better." He before allowing his voice to become softer because they were close and he didn't need to be loud or tease in this moment. "Because I will too."

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trashmouthloser
2019-10-28 10:21 pm UTC (link)

It was true that Richie would be the first one to point out how dumb pretty much anyone looked at any given time -- he wasn't one to let things get by him without poking fun, after all. And maybe Eddie's clothes looked silly on him, all tight and too short and he looked just one wrong move away from flexing once and ripping his shirt apart but --

But he was handsome too, and the way too tight shirt wasn't leaving much to imagination and apparently Eddie was just more fit than Richie had previously been picturing and that was something he was filing away for later contemplation even as he squirmed back over on the hammock until they were pressed up against each other again. He filed that bright smile away too, because it felt important and big.

Richie squirmed until his arms were around Eddie, until he could bury his face happily in the crook of his neck and let out a noise that spoke of a contentment that he couldn't really find proper words for. This was a fantastic moment. Just the best. He felt giddy, going on stupid about it. Unfortunately after a few moments, even Richie had to be practical. "This is -- you know. Fucking awesome. But I think I've lost circulation in my everything. I need change my clothes, man. Or be surgically cut out of these ones. Let's do some more of this later though."

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-06 05:03 am UTC (link)

This was all important and big. The fact that the two of them had just agreed to taking steps towards a future together. The fact that neither of them were hiding anything from each other anymore. Or... nothing that they both wanted to know. Richie still had all the details on Eddie's death tucked away but Eddie was in no hurry to hear those secrets. Yeah, no thank you. He was happier not knowing how things would end for him. He was here now and he and Richie were a thing. That was all that mattered.

Scrambling back over to the other, he curled up against Richie, head on his shoulder and a hand placed upon his chest. It was a little too innocent to really be forward. He just wanted to touch. Truth be told, he'd wanted to touch since they were originally 13. He had just been lucky that Richie seemed to want that just as much and took every chance he got to lean or brush up against him. This was sort of like that but in a more obvious way. The position changed when Richie started moving and he really couldn't complain too much. Not when he had those arms around him and that face pressed against his neck. Not when he was being held the way he always wanted.

All good things had to end though and he agreed with Richie. The clothing was too tight. It was definitely going to cut off circulation somewhere and then they'd have to start amputating limbs. He chuckled as he pulled back and nodded. "Don't ruin my fucking clothing. What will I wear?" Not that it wasn't already ruined. They had had it shrunken down to fit. Maybe he had a pair of pants that were still his size but the shirts were going to be a problem. "I guess I have to raid your closet. I hope you have something decent I can wear."

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trashmouthloser
2019-11-07 02:31 am UTC (link)

Yeah, Richie didn't want to know what life was like without a fantastic dick. The sooner the pants he was wearing now came off, the better. So he pressed a kiss to the side of Eddie's head (and he got to do that now? That was? A thing? Richie was going to have a freak out about this later. In private) and then went to squirming his way out of the hammock. It was, strangely, a little easier to do as an adult. Less floundering around and looking for the floor.

"I've got clothes," he said, already pulling his shirt off because he hated how squished he felt. "Are they decent? Unfortunately so. Shopping at the one store in town doesn't leave a lot of room for personal taste. Mark my words, I'm finding a way to get Hawaiian shirts back into my life." But for now, Eddie was safe.

Richie was like seeing him in his clothes, either way.

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ekaspbrak
2019-11-11 10:50 pm UTC (link)

The kiss to the side of his head made him smile. That was definitely a thing. They could do that now. They could hold hands if they wanted and not worry about whether or not the other liked it. They could do lots of things. It was exciting and a little terrifying but, mostly, exciting. Eddie was looking forward to doing more of these things. Probably mostly in private because the thought of too much PDA still scared him a little. They could work towards that some other time.

Climbing out of the hammock after the other man he blinked as he watched Richie pull off his shirt revealing skin. So much skin. Yes. He was definitely into what he was seeing. He definitely thought Richie looked good without a shirt on even if he wasn't ripped like Ben probably was. He could think about that some other time.

"Well, now it's your turn to share." They'd get dressed and talk about the rest later. Maybe they could go back to being curled up together in the hammock. Maybe they could even share another kiss. As adults this time. Whatever the rest of the day held Eddie was looking forward to it.

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