Snapedom

Original poster: bohemianspirit

I debated whether this counts as "meta" or "fiction" for posting purposes, and in the end concluded that it's really just a form of meta, not a story, and so am sharing it here. Originally I wrote it as a response to a meme, but I thought might be of interest or amusement to a wider readership--especially on the matter of the Doe Patronus, which we were just discussing. ;-)


13 November, 2007

Dear Miss Stocking,

It has come to my attention that you intend to write at least one story, perhaps several, in which I have built a life for myself far away from the Wizarding World of Britain. In the nine years since the end of the war, I have indeed been living in the United States, pursuing a quiet and mostly contented life (the current presidential administration notwithstanding). Because you are apparently keenly interested in presenting me as a fully dimensional human being--rather a refreshing change from the perceptions I encountered in my old life--I offer you my own views on a few popular misconceptions about me.

Contrary to what both fans and foes seem pleased to believe about me, I am not a relentlessly nasty bastard who hates children and delights in torture. People who treat me well can attest that I am generally inclined to return the favor. Unfortunately, there were not many such people to be found back in the Wizarding World of Britain, particularly at Hogwarts.

I wash my hair. I have always washed my hair, once given access to adequate bathing facilities which my impoverished childhood did not afford. My hair does tend to be oily, even with regular washing, but reports of my hair's degree of greasiness were, by and large, grossly exaggerated. It should further be noted that an excess of hair oil does not make me a git. Constantly being referred to as a "greasy git," on the other hand, tends not to bring out the best in my personal behavior.

Albus Dumbledore was a blinkered manipulative fuckwit who had no idea what my doe Patronus really signified to me. I would sooner have eviscerated myself on the spot than give him the satisfaction of knowing that I gave the least damn for the fate of the Potter boy.

And speaking of the Potter boy, kindly be apprised that his interpretation of the memories I gave to him should be taken with a grain of salt--with several very large grains of salt. We all have regrets which haunt us to the end of our lives; that the loss of Lily Evans' friendship, and later, of her life, is such a regret for me does not mean that I am eternally fixated in adolescence. That I still cannot bring myself to accept that she would marry a brutal, ignorant arse like James Potter merely indicates that some things are forever beyond human comprehension. It does not signify pathological emotional stunting on my part, merely that my Slytherin capacity for critical thinking remains in solid working order.

I have never harbored an impure thought towards anyone below the age of consent. Towards those over the age of consent, my thoughts are my business and mine alone.

I trust the foregoing information will be of interest to you. Use it wisely.


Regards,

Severus Snape
Erstwhile Professor
(and, God willing, never again)