Snapedom

I agree with other commenters who say that JKR did not intend for James to be abusive, that she wants us to think he was a bit of a prat in his youth who eventually matured--but on the other hand, that is not what the books show us, and as a former English major, I firmly believe that a work of literature has to stand on its own, regardless of later clarifying statements by the author.

So yes, I can see James as being abusive--not in the crude, more obvious sense of him beating his wife, but in the more subtle ways you indicated, of him manipulating and isolating Lily so that she eventually has only him to depend on. I haven't read Terri's story yet, but it sounds fascinating, and I intend to get around to it soon.

And it's quite telling that Harry initially seems to agrees with your assessment after seeing Snape's memories in the Pensieve. He can't imagine what his mother could have seen in James, so he wonders if James someone how forced her to marry him.