InsaneJournal

Ficcy
Title:: Drinking Game
Rating:: pg13 (for language)
Pairing:: Severus/Harry (mentions of Harry/other males and Ron/Hermione)
Summary:: This is what happens when your friends come up with stupid ideas while drunk.
Disclaimer:: I don't own.
A/N:: This falls under the category of Deathly What's? Because I'm still in denial that Deathly Hallows exists. So no spoilers. X-posted.

It was Seamus who started the idiotic conversation in the first place. They were all drunk, as per their usual Saturday night, at their usual pub in Muggle London. They had secured a large, round table in the back of the establishment and the tabletop was slowly being taken over by empty bottles of beer.

Everyone looked about half-pissed when Seamus lifted his bottle and said, “New game.”

“We weren’t playing a game,” Harry muttered. When Seamus opened his mouth to declare something, it usually meant trouble.

“What kind of game?” Dean asked.

“Well it’s not really a game,” Seamus said with a shrug. “It’s like a psychoanalysis… sort of.”

“Could you possibly elaborate,” Fred asked, “I’m getting kind of bored.”

Seamus leaned forward and said, “If you were a super-hero, Fred, what kind would you be?”

“Um… what?” Fred asked.

“If you could have any super power, what power would it be?”

Harry sighed. “Seamus, you’re an idiot. We’re Wizards, we already have super powers.”

“But I mean like a real power. Like shooting fire or-“ his words were cut off when George shot a bolt of fire out of his wand, lighting a candle in the centre of the table.

“Damn it, haven’t any of you read a bloody comic book?”

“Is that a trick question?” Ron countered.

“You guys, I’m serious,” Seamus whined.

“Heth thuper theriouth,” Fred mocked.

Seamus rolled his eyes and looked at Harry for help, “Come on!”

“Fine,” Harry said and looked at Ron. “If Ron could have one power he’d…” he paused in thought. “Oh I dunno.”

“The power to bed ten girls in a single bound,” Fred said in a dreamy voice.

“You do know what a super hero is!” Seamus accused.

“We never said we didn’t,” George said with a shrug. “And Seamus would have the power to swallow an entire city in a single, giant mouthful.”

“Not funny,” Seamus muttered.

“Yeah besides, he’d probably rather swallow something else,” Dean sniggered.

“Oh ha ha,” he growled.

“And you two,” Ron said, glowering at the twins.

“Probably shouldn’t go there, Ronald,” George said in a very serious voice.

“He’s probably right,” Harry said with a chuckle.

“Well what about Harry?” Seamus asked

“Not me,” Harry said quickly.

“Why not?” everyone asked.

“Because every time we have a stupid conversation like this-“

“We’ve never had a stupid conversation like this,” Fred insisted.

“Point being, every time we have a stupid conversation,” Harry paused for effect, “I end up getting screwed in the end.”

“Which is exactly your power!” Fred said, slapping the top of the table and toppling over a few empty bottles.

“What?” Harry asked. “Wait. Please. Don’t elaborate. Please.”

“Harry would- No! Harry has the power to turn any straight man gay!” Fred said.

“All he has to do is look at them,” George continued, “and wham! Right in the sack.”

“And more than that,” Fred went on, “you’re gay for the entire duration of the time he’s looking at you.”

Harry glowered at the twins. “You’re both assholes.”

“Oh no!” Fred said, rubbing at his arms and chest, “Dean… are you doing anything tonight?” He jumped up, “Ah shit! What am I saying? Harry stop looking at me!” He shielded his eyes and fell back in his chair.

“Asshole,” Harry muttered again.

“Er, well I hate to say it,” Ron began.

“No,” Harry hissed.

“But they’re partially right.”

“No!” Harry insisted louder.

“Well, is there anyone at this table who can say they haven’t… with you… at one point.”

Every single one of them blushed slightly. “So it’s true!” Fred declared. “You really do have a gay super power.”

“God damn it,” Harry said. “I don’t have a gay super power.”

“Yes you do!” Fred insisted. He grabbed a fresh bottle of beer and slid it across the table to Harry. “You really do.”

“It’s not my fault you all harbour gay fantasies with me,” Harry retorted, popping open the beer and taking a long drink.

“Would you be willing to prove it?” George asked suddenly, a glint in his already devious eyes.

“Oh Christ,” Harry muttered.

“Say we find the straightest…”

“And non sexual…” Fred cut in.

“Man,” George continued. “You sit in a room with him for four hours…”

“You think that’s long enough?” Seamus cut in.

“It was plenty of time for me,” Fred said with a shrug.

“And me,” George said.

Everyone else merely blushed.

“So four hours and if you don’t have sex…”

“Then we were all wrong.”

“And if you were all wrong?” Harry asked.

“We all wear big signs that say, ‘Harry Potter is always right!’”

“And if we’re right?” Seamus said.

“Nothing,” George said with a shrug. “Call it charity for giving Harry a great shag.”

“And if the shag was crap?” Harry asked, wishing he were a lot drunker.

“You can have one of us again,” George said with a huge grin, throwing his arm round his brother’s shoulder.

“I like the sign idea better,” Harry muttered.

“That, boys,” Fred declared, “sounds like Mr Potter is in.”

“Do I have a choice?” Harry asked.

“Nope,” the twins chorused.

“Thought not.”

“So now comes the task of finding a victim,” Dean said. “And I think I know just the man.”

Fred stood up and grabbed his coat. “Well, come along gents. The night’s not getting any younger and Mr Potter’s cock needs some serious attention.”

“Follow me,” Dean said happily.

They all stood up and followed Dean out of the pub, Harry trailing after them, grumbling under his breath about shitty friends and how he could kill them all with a flick of his wand.



--------- --------



It only took Harry a second to realise where they were after they entered Diagon Alley. He turned pale and started to walk backwards. “No. No. Fuck you guys.”

George and Fred turned to Harry with almost malicious grins. “Oh come on, Potter. You can’t tell me you haven’t always wanted to.”

“Wanted to what?” Harry said, sounding almost hysterical, “Have Snape eviscerate me the moment I step foot in there?”

“You act like I don’t have a plan, Potter,” Dean said. Dean was usually the quiet one, but Harry also knew he was very calculating. “I’m not going to just send you in there to try your fag-stare.”

Fred and George almost collapsed in hysterics. “Fag-stare,” Fred gasped. “Oh God I’m logging that one away for life.”

“Oh… joy…” Harry muttered. “I’m so not doing this. None of you are worth my life, or what would be left of it when Snape gets done with me.”

“Oh, Potter, such a spoilsport,” Fred cooed.

“You know what,” Harry said throwing up his hands, “I don’t want to hang out with you anymore. Eff you,” he said pointing at Ron. “Eff you, and you and you,” he said pointing at Seamus and the twins. “And fuck you,” he said landing on Dean. With a loud crack, Harry disapparated.

Dean waggled his eyebrows and looked at the group. “He’ll have no idea what hit him.”

“Yeah, until he sees Snape,” George said with a shrug.

“But by then it’ll be far too late.”



---------- ---------



Harry groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’d feel better about this if I weren’t so fucking hung over,” he groaned.

“That makes two of us,” Seamus said. “Still, the sooner we clear this place the sooner we can go home. I’ll go round back and you can start in the front.”

“Whatever,” Harry muttered. If Harry hadn’t been so hung over he would have seen a mischievous glint in Seamus’ eyes.

Seamus started walking round the back but paused on the side of the abandoned house he and Harry were supposed to be searching for a wanted Wizard. He pressed his back to the wall and waited until he heard the front door open and close.

With a triumphant, yet very quiet, shout, he raced to the front, pointed his wand at the door and cast the spell Dean had given him. The door glowed slightly, indicating that it worked. With that done, Seamus raced off to meet the others.



----- ------



Harry was just inside when he heard a voice casting a spell. It was so muffled he couldn’t be sure who it was but when he tried to leave the house, he found he was unable to open the door.

After exhausting several spells, charms and curses, Harry decided the best way was to find a second exit point. That, of course, turned out to be impossible. He seemed completely trapped.

Harry didn’t do well in situations where he felt trapped, and although he wasn’t panicked, he was very edgy. He kept his wand out, pointed in front of him as he decided the best course of action was to explore the yet unexplored.

The stairs were a bit creaky as he ventured up but the place seemed, and rather felt, abandoned. He made it to the top of the stair and found there was only one room.

“Odd,” Harry muttered. He tested the door for harmful curses or charms but found none. Reaching out, he opened the door and stepped inside.

He was shocked, at first, to find Severus Snape standing there, and in his surprise he let go of the door and it swung shut.

“Damn it, you fool,” Snape hissed. “I’ve been trapped here for hours.”

Harry turned around and tried the door but found it to be just as impenetrable as the front door. “Those bastards. Those fucking rat bastards,” he hissed.

“I don’t dare ask,” Snape muttered as he collapsed in the armchair he was sitting next to.

“You don’t want to know,” Harry said. He looked around the room but found the only place to reasonably sit was the chair Snape was in and it didn’t look as though the Potion’s Master was going to give it up anytime soon.

With a heavy sigh, Harry squatted on the floor and was partially grateful for the fire. “Did you make that?” he asked.

Snape shook his head. “Already here, along with a bed,” he said indicating the dark corner of the room. Harry could just make out the outline of a small mattress. “And some liquor and food,” Snape said, “which I didn’t dare touch.”

“Oh, I’m almost positive it’s safe,” Harry said with a sigh.

“The moment I saw you I had a feeling you had something to do with my current predicament. In fact, I should have followed my gut instinct when I saw the note telling me to bring the delivery to the room upstairs.”

Harry laughed. “Those bastards.”

“Your friends?”

“So-called friends,” Harry spat.

“Do you know how to get out of here?” Snape asked.

“Yes,” Harry said, “I do.”

“And…” Snape pressed, sounding more and more annoyed.

“Feel like a shag?” Harry asked.

“As tempting as that sounds, Mr Potter, I’m afraid I’m not in the mood,” Snape replied dryly. He paused and momentarily looked as though he was going to smack himself in the head. “We have to fuck?”

Harry nodded miserably. “We have to fuck.”

“Why, exactly?”

“Um…” Harry hesitated and let out a nervous laugh. “Well you see, we were drinking…”

“Stop right there,” Snape hissed and stood up. He began to pace the floor, using animated gestures while he was ranting. “Every time, Potter. Every time you go out drinking with your little friends you end up having to go through some stupid dare, or whatever it’s called. You immature little boys play some stupid game as though you were teenagers all over again, and somehow it leads to you having to do something completely stupid and revolting-“

“Severus-“

“Like the time you had to kiss a woman,” Snape continued. “Or the time you brought home that drunken fool who ended up passed out on my brand new sofa for three days…”

“I won’t go out with them anymore,” Harry insisted.

Snape stopped in front of Harry and hauled him up by the front of his robes. “They’re watching us now, aren’t they?”

“Probably,” Harry said miserably.

Snape licked his lips. “I knew shacking up with you was the worst mistake I could ever make.”

“Yeah, you say that a hundred times a day,” Harry countered, now chancing a small smile.

Snape rolled his eyes and then said, “Might as well give them a show then, eh?”



------ -------



“That bastard! That bloody, rat bastard!” Seamus was screaming, hopping up and down, and pointing at the mirror where the scene of Harry and Snape’s rather lewd act was playing out in front of them.

“I told you idiots,” came a laughing voice from the doorway. All four men spun round and saw Hermione standing there looking smug. “I told you it was going to backfire. You never listen.”

“He never said shit about him and Snape,” Fred said loudly.

“And you’re surprised by this?” Hermione asked.

“Well you think he might’ve told his best friend,” Ron muttered. “I mean Jesus… how much more disgusting can you get? Snape?”

“That’s why he didn’t tell you, you moron,” Hermione countered. “You lot are going to owe him a huge apology when he gets out of there.”

“If he gets out of there,” Ron said with a smirk when he thought Hermione was out of hearing range.



------ ------



They had tried the door at least a dozen times but to no avail. They were still trapped. Both men had resigned themselves to eating the pathetic dinner and drinking the cheap wine Harry’s supposed friends had left for them.

They had another shag, just to be sure, but that one didn’t work either. Eventually they simply lay on the bed, side-by-side, staring up at the ceiling.

“They know you’re going to kill them when you get out,” Harry said.

“That is fact,” Severus said. “Of course I should kill you; this is all your fault.”

“What?” Harry exclaimed, “I didn’t make them pick you. I mean it’s about fucking time they pick my actual lover but still…”

“Well if you had just told them instead of keeping it some ridiculous secret, this might not have happened.”

“Oh well pardon me Mr Let’s-keep-it-between-us,” Harry snarked. “I thought the decision was mutual.

“It was, until today,” Severus said. “I’ve changed my mind, if only to save me from crap like this and I want you to tell them.”

“You’re such a bastard,” Harry muttered.

They lay there for at least an hour more before the door finally creaked open and Hermione popped her head in. “Sorry it took me so long,” she said. “I had to get the counter curse from Ron and he was feeling very stubborn.”

“Not a problem,” Harry said.

“For you,” Snape added.

Hermione laughed, “I always knew one day I’d be a widow.” With that, she tipped them a quick wave and was off.

Neither Harry nor Snape spoke until they reached their flat and were safely inside. Harry gave Severus a sheepish smile before asking, “So how much trouble am I really in.”

Severus sighed as he fetched some tea. “Not much, since I did get two rounds of rather good sex out of it. But I am going to demand one thing out of you, Potter. One permanent thing.”

“Which is?” Harry asked.

“No more fucking drinking games.”