Snarry-a-Thon23: FIC: And they cut off your wings and replaced them with strings Title: And they cut off your wings and replaced them with strings Author:Im_just_visiting Other pairings/threesome: Rating: M Word count: 7342 Content/Warning(s): Non-con, coercion, dark Harry Potter Prompt: 110 Severus runs an apothecary in Diagon Alley. However, the "adults only" back room is where he makes most of his Galleons. Auror Potter is sent to investigate.... Summary: Being universally hated was nothing new for Severus, but the extreme poverty and living outside of society was hard, and each year that passed added to the burden. A strong man can take it, and Severus was strong, however, at the end of the day, even he is only human and cannot live on air and water. For some reason it has been his luck that he has always ended up on the wrong side and this was no different. Only one door was open to him - the sale of narcotic potions and finally Severus entered there. The appearance of Harry Potter, in his life brings big changes, that's for sure. Only whether for better or for worse, that is the question.
And they cut off your wings and replaced them with strings
"A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” J.R.R. Tolkien, The Children of Húrin
Severus should have known this would end badly and subconsciously knew, every day he expected disaster and yet he still chose to sell illegal potions.
A high morale and work ethic can be had by someone who doesn't have to worry every day about paying house rent, pharmacy rent and buying food for themselves.
At Hogwarts he didn't earn much, but there he had a house for 10 months of the year, full board, basically nothing to worry about, if you turned a blind eye to the enormous stress and responsibility that fell on him as a teacher. But it was still a comfortable life compared to what he had now.
He lived in a small, cramped flat in a run-down part of town, where rent was cheap but living conditions were difficult. And even so, he was not always sure he could manage to pay that rent.
With an ongoing reputation as a former Death Eater who miraculously escaped imprisonment, he was not welcome anywhere, and every day balanced on the fine line between being completely outcast and living on the edge of the community. As executioners or grave diggers did a few hundred years ago.
Wherever he appeared, whether in the market or in a shop, he often heard whispers of "Death Eater" behind him, and sometimes he was spat at. Less frequent were physical attacks such as throwing small stones at him, and these were always done by children. His reputation as a merciless murderer effectively deterred larger attacks.
Having no choice, he would wrap himself in his cloak and try to stay out of sight.
Sometimes, in desperation, he would consider changing his appearance. He could prepare polyjuice and drink it in proper doses for the rest of his life. But he quickly abandoned this idea, he could not behave differently, he moved, spoke and thought like Severus, his incognito would be quickly guessed, after all, he wasn't some low-ranking Death Eater, but THIS particular one, high-profile murderer who, in front of children, murdered the headmaster of Hogwarts in cold blood.
The fact that he could only prepare potions and live from this sale would make identification even easier.
Despite being a brilliant potion master he had almost no customers, people avoided him like the plague, they only came when they were really desperate and if he managed to sell a few potions in a day he could consider it a good day.
Although he was always full of dignity and pride, that he was very tough and strong, he needed to eat and drink, he needed to have clothes and a roof over his head, just like other people. And although others considered him a monster, he was only a mortal.
Over time, he had no choice but to sell his collection of books every month to make ends meet, as only that of his possessions had any value, but this, together with the income from the pharmacy, was barely enough.
In fact, as Severus had supposed, it was expected that he would slowly sink to the bottom and run a shady business. People like him had no place in the normal world.
**************
One day, when he had not sold a single potion all day, he gave up.
After finishing his day's work, Severus returned home.
Sitting at the small table in his kitchen, he prepared himself a cup of tea. He watched the water boil in the old, rusty kettle and felt despair and desperation sweep over him. He had fallen so low! This was what his years of schooling at Hogwarts had been for, risking his life as a spy. His brilliant mind had done nothing to make his life easier. Now he was just a shadow of his former self. The burden of his current situation was too much to bear. He worried about whether he would be able to sell his books and how he would pay next month's rent.
It made no sense, he understood that himself. He could try, try every day and still his efforts were doomed to failure. The world turned its back on him.
Severus sat down at the table with a mug of tea and took a sip. It was hot and bitter, but he felt the warmth spread through his body. It was not enough to dispel the chill of despair that had settled in his heart. Never before had he felt so helpless and alone, abandoned and forgotten by the whole world.
As he drank, he thought about his situation. He had almost no money left, the job situation was dire and he simply had no prospects. He simply did not know what he should do. So he sat there in thought, fighting with himself.
After finishing his tea, Severus washed his mug in the sink and sat down to read. While reading, he usually forgot his troubles for a while and transported himself to another world.
This time he wasn't succeeding, even this escape from reality failed, so unable to concentrate, he eventually had to put the book down and face reality.
With a heavy heart he went to bed. He lay there in the darkness, his thoughts swirling in his head. Severus didn't know what the future held for him, but he knew he had to move on. He had to find a way to survive. He no longer had the strength to fight and was left with two options - starve to death or start selling banned substances. His will to survive was too strong, so he chose the second option.
What he had now wasn't really a life, just an existence. But he really wanted to live, no matter how bad it was, he had already chafed against death, and now he wanted to reclaim his own life, if only for a little while.
When he got up in the morning, he began to produce potions, which local dealers periodically solicited him for.
For some reason, the underworld seemed to be the only type of people interested in him, which had not particularly pleased Severus before, but now it came in handy.
It was not an easy decision to make. At first with great disgust and reluctance he began to take orders for the most varied kinds of visionary hallucinogens and narcotics, but the money he got for this quickly helped him to get rid of his scruples - he was still not rich, not even close to it, but now he had enough for a modest life and could even afford to buy back some of the books he had sold. He bought them now for the same meagre pennies as he used to sell them. He was not the only one balancing on the edge, every day coming a fraction of a millimetre closer to the abyss.
In the beginning, it was very difficult to come to terms with this occupation and Severus had to remind himself every now and then why he was doing it, when, with the same precise movements as when he was creating medicines and magical potions, he was now making narcotic substances, for which he was given orders and for which someone would come along at least once a week.
Over time, he managed to become indifferent to it, he had to or he would have gone crazy.
Now it has come to pay for this brief respite from extreme poverty.
Severus reluctantly returned his thoughts to that day that happened months ago.
**************
As soon as Potter entered his pharmacy Severus knew he was in big trouble.
Even though Potter was alone, and in private clothes rather than the uniform of the Head of the Auror Office, there was something about the way he moved and the way he looked that froze Severus' blood in his veins. This wasn't the Harry he remembered from the day he'd defended him in court, in fact, if it wasn't for the scar on his forehead, Severus wasn't a hundred percent sure he would have recognised him at first glance. It's not that his facial features have changed. Yes, he has grown up and become very masculine, but he would still look like Potter. Rather, it was the cold expression on his face that made him alien.
Somewhere disappeared that boy with a strong sense of what's right and wrong, humble, brave, and loyal, full of inner fire and enthusiasm. The person who had entered the chemist's shop with the aim of destroying Severus' life was terrifyingly cold, menacing and looking at him like a cat at a mouse.
Severus was not a person who was easily frightened, in fact he was afraid of very few things, and rarely any of those things were physical, but the change that had taken place in Harry frightened him and he could not deny it.
He didn't know what had happened in the 15 years since they had last seen each other, but something definitely had to have happened. It was only with a great deal of self-control that he restrained himself from retreating and running away. It would have been pointless, he knew that well. Potter was probably not alone, having left the Aurors outside the entrance.
With no other option, Severus tried to remain confident and not show what an impression the Auror's appearance had made on him.
"Mister Potter. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"
Harry smiled mockingly and, with a few quick steps crossing the tiny room, approached the potion master standing behind the low counter.
"I think you know very well what business I am here on, Severus." Now only a narrow counter separated them and Severus felt overwhelmed, backed into a corner. Potter was as tall as his father, a good half a head taller than Severus, plus he was athletically built and his every move showed great strength. But that was not what made Severus feel so cornered. Worst of all were the cold green eyes looking at him with undisguised malicious joy.
Severus instinctively made a move as he wanted to reach for his wand, but Potter was quicker.
"I don't advise you to even think about it." His wand was pointed at Severus's chest. "I see you know what this is about."
For a moment Severus wanted to lie, to deny it and pretend to be stupid, but the fact that it was the Head of the Auror Office who had personally appeared made him give up. Instead, he said nothing. He didn't yet know what he was up against, and this was the safest option.
"You don't want to talk?" Harry raised an eyebrow. "That's okay, you don't have to. I'll do it, then." He looked around the modest room, slowly assessing the stock of potions. "Nice collection!" He nodded his head appreciatively. "Obviously not as interesting as what you have in the back." Their gazes met but Severus was still silent. Potter could bluff and wait for an admission on his part.
Harry smiled that strange, alien smile again. "You probably don't know this because it's a very recent case, from today, but we arrested Merlin Jackalope, Addison Pincushion, Scott Yowie and Ezekiel Colibiri." Severus held his breath, these were all his regular customers who bought the most. "For possession and distribution of illegal substances." Harry smiled even wider. "You won't believe what they said at the interrogation!" Harry waved his hands gleefully to emphasise his words.
Severus knew full well what, but he let Potter have his fun. "They all as one, independently of each other, pointed to a certain pharmacy as the source of these substances. And they mentioned by name the apothecary who manufactures it! Something amazing, don't you think?" He winked at Severus. "Of course, we didn't arrest them by accident, the investigation into their case had been going on for some time and everything they said we already knew."
So he is about to be arrested. Yes, he definitely knew this was how it would end. He didn't know why Potter was prolonging it, why he was purposely tormenting him and toying with his stress.
Now he wondered if this would surely be worse than his current life.
Potter tilted his head in recollection and watched intently, seeing what effect his words had made on Severus.
"You're probably wondering why the chemist hasn't been arrested yet, aren't you, dear Severus?"
Obviously Severus was thinking about it. But still he did not say a word. The man standing before him reminded him more of Voldemort than of Harry. But, after all, it was impossible, that part of Voldemort's soul that existed in Harry had been killed.
Not quite Harry moved close to the counter and braced himself against it with his hands, now being far too close to Severus for his comfort. He restrained himself not to retreat, the most important thing was not to show any fear or weakness to his enemy. If he retreated once, he would always do so again, giving way to the enemy, submitting to his will.
"I have a proposition for you." Something in Harry's tone suggested to Severus that he would prefer a kiss from the Dementors to this proposal. "You don't have to answer now. If you accept it, come to me on Friday. If you reject it, you will be arrested on that day. Don't expect to be able to escape, you're being watched the whole time."
Potter was still behaving so strangely and inappropriately, so much not like him, that Severus began to wonder if the others were noticing this, or if the change had been so slow that no one had noticed it and everyone considered it normal. You can't see the forest from outside the trees.
"You're certainly curious about this deal, Severus, aren't you?" The man's voice was tempting, urging him to show a reaction. Old Harry would never do such a thing, Severus assessed.
"Still nothing?" Harry shook his head disapprovingly "Ah, Severus, always the same stubbornness. Well, have it your way." The Auror laughed and Severus wondered when this farce would end and Harry would show his true feelings, when he would lose patience.
"You have two choices. One: every Friday you will come to me and spend time in my bed all weekend until Monday."
This time Potter got the reaction he was so looking forward to, Severus' eyes widened and his body tensed.
This obviously pleased Harry because he smiled again contentedly. "In return you will remain free, which in itself is a reward, but, as I have a soft spot for you, and I know that you did not do this out of the need of your heart but out of necessity, the Auror Office would become your client, from this Friday all potions would be ordered from you. We use so much of it that you might have to hire a helper to keep up with the orders." A very bittersweet offer, but also a very generous one, that's for sure.
Harry waited for the words to ring out, increasing the tension.
"The other option, of course, is prison. Not for the rest of your life, no worries, for about 50 to 80 years, you'll get out of there as an old man. You will probably go insane in the meantime. Azkaban is supposedly not a good place to be." Harry's hand reached out and fleetingly stroked the long hair falling over Severus' shoulders. "The choice is yours!"
After this Harry turned and left, just like that, leaving Severus to his thoughts. Although it seemed like hours had passed, a glance at the clock hanging on the wall told Severus that the whole conversation hadn't even lasted five minutes. That was all it took to turn his whole world, which he had struggled so hard to put together, upside down.
So Severus made that choice and now lay with his eyes clenched and his neck tilted while Harry held him tightly by the hips and pumped inside him.
It wasn't really a choice at all, he'd probably end up on his back in his cell anyway, on a hayseed and with no time limit, here at least he was free. This arrangement had been going on for six months now, and Severus came out of Grimmauld Place just as shaken every time.
*************
He first took him right away that day when Severus came to him.
It was no easy task, spying seemed more rational than what Harry wanted from him. What was the benefit of it, other than humiliating Severus and showing his own power? None!
It was pointless, malicious for malice's sake.
His legs did not want to carry Severus when he forced himself to go to the designated place, but he got there anyway.
Before he went inside, Severus stood for a moment outside the door of the huge house, hesitating to turn and run. But he did not, there was no place he could run to. He sighed and pulled himself together, knowing he had to be strong. He didn't know what exactly the Auror expected of him, how much of it would be violence and aggression, showing Severus his place, whether he would need medical attention after this weekend.
It was all an unknown to which he had to agree.
But to his surprise, Harry's touch didn't cause him any major discomfort.
As soon as Severus entered the living room, Harry pulled him close and kissed him, almost crushing his lips. "Ah, you have come!" He said it as if Severus had any choice in the matter.
Severus was so surprised that he simply stood and allowed himself to be manoeuvred into any position by Potter, to be kissed, feverishly touched without a word of protest.
Harry's hands hurriedly touched him, were pulling him close, caressed him and held him, as if he wanted to do everything at once. "Come on, I've been waiting for this for so long!"
Soon Severus was bent over, leaning with his hands resting on the back of the sofa, with his robe pulled high up around his waist. These more than fifty years of life have not prepared him for something like this, nobody has ever touched him in such places and done things of this kind to him. Harry acted as if they had done it hundreds of times or as if he thought it was a normal activity for Severus.
He felt a Scourgify spell inside himself and moments later a moistening spell, a horrible wet, cold sensation, all of which made him red in the face, but luckily, because Severus was set on his knees, Harry didn't see it.
The first touch of Harry's fingers made Severus twitch before he could regain his composure. When they finally slowly began to slide into him one by one, Severus already expected it, so he simply clenched his teeth and tried with all his might to hold still. His thoughts whirled, instinct told him to flee, reason told him to endure it all, Potter clearly leaving him no choice. He knew that negotiation was out of the question.
For a moment Severus wondered if he had chosen the worse option, but quickly realised that there was no way of knowing for sure if the same thing wouldn't happen to him in prison, only with more people. Potter's other hand stroked his hip and thigh, then moved to his clothed stomach and chest and pressed Severus's body against his chest while his lips kissed his neck and jaw.
It went on for a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity, Severus couldn't wait for it to finally end. The damp, sloshing sounds emanating from his body at every movement caused him great embarrassment, the feeling of fingering was also strange to say the least. Living his almost monkish life, Severus had never expected sex to be so loud and messy. When the end actually came and Harry's fingers were replaced by his cock, Severus immediately regretted his previous thoughts. If the previous feeling had made him embarrassed, this one made him almost hiss in pain.
This brute force took him by surprise, though he had been preparing for the worst. Severus' cheek was pressed against the plush cover of the sofa, and he clenched his teeth to keep from making a sound. Harry's moist breath touched his neck, his hard, muscular body pressed against his and immobilised him. He had prepared him, of course, he still wanted to have the use of him all weekend, but it still hurt. He wasn't used to it, he'd never done it, which clearly surprised Potter.
Despite trying not to show how it affected him, Harry somehow figured it out or at least to get suspicious.
"You've taken a cock before, haven't you Severus?" Potter whispered in his ear and bit lightly on his earlobe.
The lack of confirmation from Severus made Harry stand still for a second before he resumed the rhythm he had set. "This is your first time? I never would have guessed." He marks each word with a hip thrusts, but his movements have become slower and more gentle. "I don't mean what you're like in bed, because here it's obvious you don't have a lot of experience, those taut muscles and all that, but I would think you've done it at least a few times. I rather mean that I would never have guessed that a person with your looks and personality could be inexperienced in bed." Severus wanted to ask what exactly Harry meant by his looks and personality in the context of anal sex, but he let it go, not wanting to hear unnecessary insults.
"It's a shame Dark Lord hasn't done this with you, what a waste." Harry's fingers wiped from Severus's cheek the tear that had managed to escape. "Well, his loss, I'm not going to make that mistake." There was no discourse here, given that he was balls deep in Severus. "Breathe deeply and try to relax for me, can you do that?" This was probably uncomfortable for Potter, as Severus saw no other reason for this feigned concern.
Everything in Severus protested against obeying his former pupil's command, but eventually he did, wanting to lessen the pain, and after a few deep breaths relief came, the pain had definitely diminished and now Severus could concentrate on the wet sounds of body slapping against body and the accelerated breathing and gasps of the man moving above him. He couldn't get into it, it was against his will, it was all overwhelming, he had no experience and Potter definitely didn't take care of the atmosphere. Severus laughed in the spirit at the thought - as if Potter should take care of the atmosphere in such a deplorable situation! It wasn't that they were lovers after all, it was a show of strength, establishing dominance.
It was a horrendous experience, but worse was to come. After this Severus was taken to the bedroom, forced to strip naked and taken again. "That time was for me. Lest you think I do not care for you, my dear Severus, this one is for you." His hands gently roamed his body while he most clearly used a healing spell on Severus for all the pain from his entire body was gone. It was too powerful a spell, too effective for the Harry he knew.
Severus felt like he was mentally paralysed, completely numb, cold, lifeless.
It was just a nightmare. He would soon wake up. This whole life was just a nightmare. All that mattered was what would happen next, the morning after that night. He just had to survive.
His body was reacting but his mind was far away from the situation, more like he was watching it from the side.The soft mattress touched his back, bending under the weight of the bodies of both of them, the ever-indifferent Severus and Harry moving above him.
For some reason all his senses were sharpened. The rhythmic quiet creaking of the bed rang in his ears, his gaze was focused on the white ceiling, with its coffered tiles and chandelier with a multitude of crystals cascading from it, and he could smell the musky scent of sex and Harry's sweat. As he returned his gaze to Harry, he could see the dew of sweat on his forehead and shoulders. A very surreal experience.
This time Potter was clearly trying to hit his prostate and Severus, though he kept biting his lip to keep from making a sound, was unable to control his body, which soon succumbed to Harry's caresses and thrashed around on the bed as Harry wanted, while Severus experienced an unwanted orgasm.
This was far worse than simply serving as a piece of meat to be used.
But he had to put up with it, prison would have been worse.
**************
Since the Auror's Office had started placing orders with him, as Harry had promised, Severus' financial situation had improved greatly. He still chose not to hire a helper, instead working 16 hours a day to keep up with the production of potions.
The long term poverty he had experienced, again in his life, made him prefer to save money, never knowing when Harry's whim would pass.
So far it didn't foreshadow anything, quite the opposite. Harry seemed very fascinated by him. Sometimes, when Severus would not answer with even a short "yes" or "no" Harry would bite his arm, leaving red marks from his teeth. Later, when Severus examined the teeth marks in the privacy of his flat, he was surprised that they looked so human. He would have expected more of a snake's fang.
He knew how to work under stress, he had been doing it all his life, but he needed a goal and a plan on how to achieve that goal. Unfortunately, he had no plan. And this is what bothered him the most.
Now there was no Dumbledore who had spent decades creating his plan, there was no Order of the Phoenix, it all fell to Severus. And he, it seemed, was completely useless in this regard.
There were no mistakes during his work, the Auror Office did not want any very rare potions from him, only expected things. Blood-replenishing potion, Murtlap essence, wound-cleaning potion, things of that kind.
His hands automatically with a thousand times repeated movements added the ingredients, measured their quantity, mixed, poured, although his thoughts glided far away.
How many people in the Office have noticed a change in Harry's behaviour? Does he also show it to others or only to Severus? Why him in particular?
Was Harry aware of the changes taking place in him? Was it Harry at all?
The juniper scent of the finished potion brought Severus back to reality. With slender fingers, he picked up the wand and used it to precisely fill bottle after bottle until the entire batch was ready. In the evening the Aurors would come for the order.
He never spoke to them, each time they said only what was necessary. He didn't know if it was because they were prejudiced against him or if that was Harry's order. He also didn't know what Harry had told his associates about the reason Severus was free, if he had said anything at all. Was he accountable to anyone at all?
Harry also didn't let the information about the pharmacy's links to the criminal network get out. Severus didn't understand it, all that work and effort, and for what? To what end? He already had Severus in his grasp by means of testimony and investigation, he did not have to help him to make Severus obey his orders, the spectre of imprisonment acted as motivation enough, it made Severus like an insect pinned to the floor, although he still desperately pushed away with his limbs, buzzed and tried to free himself from the needle piercing his body, to escape, his fate was already sealed.
**************
Harry had unquenchable energy and was sexually insatiable, plus he liked to talk during intercourse.
"I get the feeling you're afraid of me, Severus, but that's impossible, isn't it? Not you, you don't know the word, do you?"
He was wrong, oh, so very wrong. Severus was afraid, afraid to the point of insanity, just not what he thought. Instead of answering, Severus closed his eyes and turned his face sideways. Up close, Harry's eyes were dark, too dark, and they glowed red in the candlelight hovering over the bed. To say Severus was afraid did not convey the extent of his terror.
He would have faced mocking if he had admitted to it or Harry had somehow guessed it.
Or perhaps Harry would like him to be afraid? Is that what this was about? Even if it was, it could not be the only reason, too much effort to achieve it.
Sometimes Severus would look at the other man and for a moment he would think he saw a snippet of the former Harry, and then he would feel pain in his heart.
By now his initial fear of losing his freedom was replaced by a bottomless dread for the outcome of the war. It wasn't Harry, Severus was sure of it. This was not how it was supposed to end!
He would prefer to be hated by the boy, but for the boy to be safe.
Although he didn't do it often, at such moments he felt like sobbing in despair because of his sense of loss, helplessness and failure. And sometimes tears would run down his cheeks, but luckily, Harry would take them as a sign of pleasure and kiss them away.
Harry's lips briefly stopped kissing his neck. "You probably wonder sometimes why I do that?"
Did Harry just read his mind? All too late Severus closed his eyes. Was he that reckless?
Again he felt his breath on his lips, and soon came the kiss, passionate, claiming, but without a hint of brutality. This distinguished Harry from Voldemort; the Dark Lord seemed to enjoy cruelty and brutality for its own sake.
Severus was still not looking at him, afraid that somehow Harry would read his thoughts.
"Answer!" It was a literal command. Severus clenched his teeth for a second, still remembering the time he had taken orders from Voldemort. The tone of Harry's voice sounded very similar, too similar.
Having no choice he replied. "Yes, I'm thinking about it." His voice expressed zero interest, over that he was still in control.
Harry leaned over him. "Because you owe me something." He dropped the bait, and Severus let himself be caught.
"Why? What do I owe you?" This time Severus actually got curious.
"Oh, I think you know, Severus." Harry winked at him. Severus supposed, in fact he was sure of it, that this Potter-looking man knew that Severus understood the situation and knew who he was dealing with. He wanted him to know it, Severus realised.
But why? This he could not comprehend. Perhaps he needed an audience, someone to witness his victory?
It must give him great joy to play with the entire Wizarding world and lead everyone by the nose. Was he preparing to strike? Or was he satisfied with the power he had in this form? Did he intend to reach higher?
Severus did not ask any more, he would not receive an answer anyway, so he remained silent.
"What are you thinking about, Severus? You're always so quiet, it's not like you. You should be shouting, screaming, trying to get out of situations. If you expect that by being submissive you will make me bored with you or that I will change the rules of our arrangement, you are mistaken."
Severus was not himself! Him! What irony, it sounded like Harry was sneering right in his face!
Potter with both hands embraced Severus's face, green eyes looked at him expectantly, and all he felt at that moment was helplessness combined with despair. Now he didn't even feel anger anymore.
"But I don't mind, behave as it suits you. As long as you do what I tell you to do, then do what you want." And then he kissed him, again and again.
Severus thought that, contrary to what Harry had said, his silence bothered him, but he didn't want to admit it, didn't want to show that anything Severus did mattered to him. For Harry was talking, a lot, apparently trying to fill the silence.
**************
It was another Friday, Severus no longer remembered which one in succession, and another unwanted touching by Harry. And more questions from him, attempts to draw Severus into conversation. Severus didn't understand the reason why he would want this, but clearly he did. Apart from that rather brutal first time, Harry didn't hurt him. That wasn't what he was after.
Severus knew full well that if Harry wanted to force him to speak, he would. That he allowed him to remain silent was his choice, possibly to suit what he was doing, the game he was playing.
Sometimes what he said had a completely different tone. "Tell me, what do you think when I touch you? When you lie beneath me naked, helpless, and my fingers open you? Do you like it when I lift your legs onto my shoulders to have better access to you? Who do you see when you look at me?" Harry did everything he talked about, not for the first time, not for the last, and Severus's body, now accustomed to being treated in this way, welcomed it, clearly putting Potter in a state of elation and triumph.
"Would you like to break free and run away as the movements of our fucking move you across the bed until you have to brace your hand against the headboard, Severus? When you breathe faster and faster and your body tenses and arches when you come, but you try so hard not to make a sound? Does it disgust you?"
Disgust? Half the time Severus drifted his thoughts away from what they were doing, too focused on trying to find a way to bring back the old Harry, of course it didn't disgust him, this drove him into despair and worry bordering on madness.
Severus blinked. Harry, if he could call this person that, was trying to embarrass him? Did he really think that for Severus to talk about it would be more embarrassing than doing it? Maybe if he'd heard it the first night it would have moved him, but now?
"Keep silent if you want to, your body speaks for you. It's probably thankful that after years of being neglected it's finally getting what it wants. You, a person who has always considered yourself so cold and indifferent, now behave like a lewd whore."
This was not true, and they both knew it. Maybe it was supposed to be dirty talk? It's hard to say, if so it didn't work out for him.
A low, hoarse laugh snapped him out of his reverie.
"In the meantime, you can plan how you'll get your revenge." Harry grasped his jaw between two fingers and turned to face him. "What would you like to do to me, Severus? Immediately kill me? Torture me before I die? Tell me."
Harry's other hand stroked Severus's cheek in a parody of tenderness, his fingers trailing over his lips.
Severus's fingers gripped the bedclothes, his nails digging into the mattress as particularly strong, rapid thrusts inside him, precise on his prostate, momentarily took him away from his thoughts and for a moment he was just a body, moving automatically, without involvement of the mind or feelings.
As the moment of ecstasy finally slowly passed, Severus lay helpless, feeling as if he had no bone in his body, too weak to try to move away from being hugged and from having his head laid on Harry's chest.
When Harry did so the first time, Severus had an irrational fear that he would hear only a dead hollow. Now the potion master lay with his cheek resting against the hard muscles and listened to the heartbeats, sometimes counting them to assess whether they were still human. 73 per minute. At least the number of heartbeats was humane.
His thoughts returned to what Harry had said. Revenge, hatred.
Severus' mind was as closed to Harry as it had been to Voldemort, so the man moving above him could only try to guess. Kill him? Torture him? That couldn't be further from the truth.
Potion master was as if paralysed, stunned by every word he heard. This man, perhaps creature would be a more appropriate word, thought Severus wanted Harry dead. Of all possible persons him. A person for whose safety he sacrificed half of his life and would have sacrificed his very life if he had not been saved at the last moment.
This creature, looking like Harry but not being him, does not understand anything, judges the situation in its own way. But not as Potter would have done, more as the Dark Lord would.
Severus still remembered the horror in Potter's eyes when it seemed Severus was going to die. The boy was human to the extreme.
He also remembered the warmth of his gaze when he spoke to him before the trial and the determination with which he fought for Severus' freedom and good name.
Now it was gone, replaced by cruelty and coldness.
He must have fallen asleep because some time later he woke up lying on his back again, to Harry's hand reaching between his legs and arranging him into position. "May I?" He asked as if Severus' answer mattered, before taking him again. But Severus gave his consent with a nod anyway. Nothing hurt him, just as it had always not hurt, he did not know if it was due to Harry's magic or if it was his body that had become so accustomed to it. In any case, whatever the reason, this was how it was.
Despite his body being pushed every so often by the thrusts of Potter's hips, Severus, trying to focus his gaze, watched his features, looking for something familiar, anything to give hope that all was not yet lost.
A creature that looked like Harry noticed his gaze, pressed its lips firmly against his and kissed him in a long, intense kiss that took Severus' breath away.
"You have something about you that makes people want to break you, to own you, to hold you in their hands and force you to obey orders. No wonder Dumbledore couldn't help himself." Harry's hand moved to Severus' neck and traced the scar there with his fingertips. Harry often mentioned Dumbledor's plan in this critical way, always suggesting that Severus was like a puppet on strings in the Headmaster's hands. Even if that was the case, Albus had a reason for it, and that reason, in his own person, was in bed with Severus. Or at least his body, because apparently that was all that was left of The-Boy-Who-Lived.
Severus' heart pounded like mad as the creature's lips moved down his neck, kissing the delicate skin, sucking on it and leaving large red marks on it that would be purple for tomorrow, too high to be covered by clothing. Fortunately, Severus will be able to use a beauty spell on it as he always does. Besides, that was the least of his problems.
His other concerns were more important.
Was there even a shred of Harry's soul left in this body? Or was it just an empty shell carrying the evil within? Could it have been undone, restored to the original owner of the body? Or was it too late? He didn't know how long Voldemort had been Harry. It was possible that it had been this way for ten years or so.
The worst part was that he didn't know who he could turn to with this. Would anyone believe him, him, a former Death Eater? Would they give credence to the accusations against the Wizarding World's greatest hero? Severus doubted it, the chances were poor.
At best, they'd consider him a lunatic.
Maybe Minerva would believe him, he'll have to check it out, it's his only chance. But knowing the current Potter this one is much cleverer than it looks and probably in front of Minerva perfectly plays Harry. The most Harry that Harry can be. He tricked Ron and Hermione, and that's something!
He could tell Lucius, but it wouldn't change anything. He was already a wreck of a man afflicted with PTSD, he'd never come back to himself and even if he believed Severus it wouldn't help.
It was a lot easier when the enemy was Voldemort.
The stress of his suspicions began to take its toll on Severus. He stopped sleeping and stopped eating, consumed by the fear that only he could stop Voldemort from taking over the world.
From time to time, he began to doubt his own sanity, wondering if his years as a Death Eater had finally caught up with him and if it was all a product of his madness.
But no, Harry's touch was real, and so was his voice as he ran his hand over Severus's protruding ribs.
"You've lost weight." His fingers brushed every crease between the bones. "That really wasn't necessary in your case, Severus. You were too thin anyway."
Severus then raised his chin defiantly and looked at him with his eyes shaded with exhaustion, waiting to see if he would hear the command to eat more. But he did not, instead that hand moved to his sharp, protruding cheekbone and drew his face into a kiss.
Every time he walked out of Grimmauld Place on a Monday morning in the pale dawn, Severus felt the horror of the situation. Potter had woken up at the same time as him, so Severus had to endure that prolonged moment when he could never get dressed quickly enough and walk, almost running, out of the building, escorted by the mocking gaze of green eyes.
It was always cold outside at this time, even in summer. The spectre of doom shrouded the houses where people slept peacefully, unaware that at any moment another bloody war might break out, this time of much greater scope. And he walked among them, like a prophet wrapped in a bloody shroud with his mouth sewn shut, unable to warn anyone even with a word. All he could do was watch.
Severus wrapped himself more tightly in his cloak and, trying not to draw attention to himself, passed the few people who were also awake at this hour.
Like a caged hamster, running on a wheel, Severus' mind was working, faster and faster and with greater desperation, trying to think of some way to help Harry. It couldn't all have been in vain, they hadn't been led astray and tricked like this, there had to be a way!
Think, Severus, think!
And he tried, each day spending hours and hours, worrying and trying to comfort himself, losing sleep due to stress, but nothing came to mind, the solution didn't want to appear. OK, it didn't have to happen at this exact moment, no need to break down and lose hope, the most important thing is for it to happen at all. He wasn't going to give up, no matter what it required of him.
He still hoped it would pass as the passing, sad daydream, that he would wake up from this like a nightmare. But although he did not want to admit it to himself, deep down he was aware that this time they might lose.