r. lupin (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} tufty) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} silverage, |
"Sirius..." Remus began...but he didn't know how to follow it up. So many things were tangled up in thick webs in his mind and he didn't know what to do with them: let them out, shove them away, wallow in them and shut up... "I..." he tried again, brows knitted, head shaking.
"Sirius, I want to change it," he said finally and it surprised him how eloquently and even-tempered he spoke them. "I want to change it! If I could go back in time, I would find them and hide them...save them, do whatever! But," his hands flew uselessly, almost like a lame flail, to his head, "Sirius, I have been here for a month. A month, Sirius. And I," a toss of his hand to his side, "I don't know how I am getting out, when I am getting out...and Sirius, you're here." His voice had become darker in the last two words, heavier. "It's done. The whole thing, it's done, it's finished!"
It's finished. Lily would try to change it and Remus believed that she could -- but she was different. She was just 18, she had years before her impending...fate caught up with her and he, he didn't know, his circumstances were different. Sirius had come from his time, if only from a future he had yet to see and time waited for no one. No, what if they did? He wondered. What if they waited for him and what if he had a chance to change things?
But what if it didn't?
Remus was so confused. He wanted to save Lily and James but how could he do it? What if it meant having to fight Peter? He was scared at the thought of it, he didn't want to fight Peter! Why would Peter do it? He didn't know what hurt more, Lily and James, Peter's betrayal, or the fact that he hadn't been able -- and won't be able -- to save them when they needed him the most. He'd sworn to protect them, he had sworn...
"I--" he choked, his eyes hot, his head dipped, his fingers shaking... "I...I don't-- Pete, why...oh God...oh God, oh--" he gasped for breath. As he tossed his eyes wildly to the room, his wand had appeared in his hand and he flung it to the corner of Lily's wall. He might have yelled, he didn't know -- but if he did, it was masked by the flash at the tip of his wand and the bang! that echoed from the impact of his spell and the concrete, leaving a medium-sized crater in its wake.
His arm had recoiled sharply from the weight of what he'd cast...and after it, he felt useless. Useless, helpless, hopeless...that was Remus Lupin at that moment. Sobbing deeply in his throat, he dropped to sit on the floor, hands seizing a fistful of his hair as he hid his face in-between his knees, shaking lightly.