All Rise The following exchange of legal correspondence was found scattered across the halfpipe opposite Essen's only eating establishment, No.7. On closer investigation, the inside of the halfpipe itself was found to be boarded off, with strategic peepholes appropriately dimensioned for various spying implements and a handwritten sign reading "MARC'S WAR ROOM – TRESPASSERS WILL BE GROPED" taped to the wall.
When investigators entered the tiny room itself (which proved to be covered in maps, photographs, more spying equipment, clipboards with boyfriend-stealing strategies, and a curiously large number of packets of Jaffa cakes) they found the authors of the aforementioned correspondence, as well as their respective clients and one "independent party" by the name of Roman Wild, all sprawled on a shabby red couch in various stages of undress, inebriation, and sexually and professionally inappropriate conduct.
To: The Marc Hagendorf Admiration Society
Re: Hagendorf Incidents
On behalf of Hassan Öztürk & Aldi, LLP, we would like to inform The Marc Hagendorf Admiration Society that our client Deniz Öztürk has filed a restraining order against Mr. Hagendorf. Until it comes into effect, my client will be casually strolling by your war room in low-slung sweats and a brandnew, semi-transparent, skin-tight Male Function tank top with nipple windows every full hour.
[Signed, etc.]
To: Öztürk & Aldi, LLP
RE: Hagendorf Incidents & Countersuit
Pursuant to precedents arising from the case of Bergmann v. StalkerSlut [2009] and expanded in the case of Bergmann v. Rocky [2010], the geographic perimeters of Fictional Essen impose an undue burden on my client. Furthermore, in response to harassment, to wit casual hipbone-revealing strolling, my client seeks damages in the form of fries delivered at noon daily by Mr. Öztürk wearing aforementioned skin-tight MF tank.
[Regards, etc.]
To: TMHAS
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
Due to the redundancy of property assessment in Fictional Essen (cf. 2010 Essen Real Estate, Sec.1: "Identical Floor Plans"), we are experiencing some difficulty in finding an assessor to make an expert's report on geographic restrictions. We will keep you informed. Re: the harassment claim, Mr. Öztürk agrees to your terms but insists on bringing Mr. Wild along for delivery, similarly attired, for demonstrative mauling-in-public purposes.
To: Öztürk & Aldi, LLP
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
My client accepts the terms set forth in your response, with the added conditions that (1) said mauling-in-public shall occur within arms-length of my client and (2) both ketchup and mayo be included in the daily show/delivery. My client will be further advised to cease smirking haughtily at his legal counsel and general passersby over the speedy and successful resolution of this suit.
[Regards, etc.]
To: TMHAS
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
My client is willing to accept the above terms, (1) on the additional condition (1a) that Mr. Hagendorf be physically restrained during the arms-length performance (cf. Schwarz v. "Monique" & v. Altenburg) since Mr. Wild will be splayed on Mr. Öztürk's lap and thoroughly licked, etc. in front of him and Mr. Hagendorf's self-restraint has not been established by a psychological assessment. As compensation, Hell Sauce will be added to (2).
To: Öztürk & Aldi, LLP
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
My client readily accedes to the terms as laid out above and as evidence of good faith on his part offers to provide his own handcuffs for this stated purpose. In addition, my client wants to make it known that he is willing to undergo a psychological assessment at some point in the future, but that this offer should not be read as mutually exclusive to the stated requirement of physical restraints.
[Sincerely, etc.]
To: TMHAS
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
Since my client would have acquiesced to your client's offer with unseemly haste (due, in part, to my client's relative youth and inexperience, eagerness to please, etc.), I have advised him to impose (and he has agreed to thus impose) an extra requirement stipulating that the handcuffs provided by your client first be thoroughly inspected for proper functionality by St.Clair & Öztürk Investigations & Safe-Cracking, Inc.
[Cordially, etc.]
To: Öztürk & Aldi, LLP
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
Despite continued smirking over your client’s youth, and in lieu of evidence of the unbiased nature of recommended firm, my client proposes obtaining alternative restraints from “Monique” as introduced in previous precedent.
NB: Attempts to verify credentials of St.Clair & Öztürk by one Ms. C. Laffort produced translated document that is, frankly, gibberish. (Bill will be included as terms in countersuit.)
To: TMHAS
Re: Hagendorf Incidents, etc.
Apologies for our delayed response (caused by arrival of new skimpy MF items in support of above-mentioned strategy - photos enclosed, pls excuse excessive focus on gluteus maximus). Restraints from M. acceptable.
As a gesture of professional goodwill, pls accept enclosed files of previous lawsuits vs. Ms. Laffort, who is fraudulently impersonating a French citizen. She has been advised to remove herself pursuant to the piscine amendment.