On some level, Caden understood what Roxy was trying to say. He understood it came from a good place. He just wished she could recognize and understand that what she was describing was impossible. She wanted him, but... another version of him. One he had never been, and would never be. Not only because he was pretty sure he was fucked up for life, but because he was more or less settled in who he was. He wished he could be sorry about that, but he couldn't. He was who he was and there were very few people in his life who could accept it. Caden rubbed his finger along the inside of his eye, not wanting this to end up in a fight at Gavin's house, of all places. Not when there were so many people outside. "You want all that stuff with some version of myself that I can't be," he said finally. There was no ire in his tone, just resignation. "Happier to you is marriage and kids. Happier for me is just living without expectations put on my shoulders. What I want for me is you, but I just don't think that's enough. I don't want kids, Roxy. At least not right now. I don't know if I ever will."
It was all just so sad, and Roxy didn’t just feel sadness for her, she felt most of it for him. “It’s not just marriage and kids,” she said. Rude was still sitting beside her, his chin on her knee, and she idly stroked his head. “It’s less fighting, more openness, more emotional intimacy, more of us just ... happy together. Because we’re not, and you know that. And I just ...” She trailed off for a few seconds, trying to gather her words and swallow down the lump in her throat. “I can’t make you want things that you don’t, especially not kids. They would deserve to be wanted. But it breaks my heart into a million pieces to hear you give up on yourself like that. You’re barely thirty, Caden. I know you’ve been through a lot, more than most people could ever handle, and it made you hard by necessity, but things can change. You run your own life now. Your father’s gone, rotting in Hell like he deserves. I just wish you would let yourself start to heal. You say you want me, but I don’t think you really do. I come with expectations and needs and you just ... seem like you love me best when I’m either sucking your cock or leaving you alone.” She was rambling now, and she made herself stop, pressing her lips together tightly.
Caden flinched lightly when Roxy mentioned Joseph. He wanted to turn to make sure Gavin wasn't nearby, listening. Of course he wasn't. He was outside with the rest of them. But, still. "I'm not good at that stuff," he muttered finally, understanding on some level where she was coming from, but feeling unable to show or tell her that she was wrong. Not in a way she would believe anyway. "Maybe I can heal, like you said, but maybe I can't. I love you as much as I can anyone, Roxy, but I can't promise you I'll ever be the guy you want me to be. I'm trying. I'm trying to fight with you less, to let my temper get the best of me. It just feels like it's not enough for you, or it's not... moving fast enough." It felt strange to be talking like this, especially in Gavin's house, of all places. But he guessed it was necessary, even if it wasn't comfortable. Caden paused briefly. "I just think you love the idea of who you think I could be, instead of who I am. And I guess I've been okay with that."