Who: Charlie & Gavin Where: Sycamore Street When: Afternoon, mid February (day after this) Status: Complete
Gavin hadn't expected his little road trip with Jules Cooper to be easy but it had been harder than he'd expected for very different reasons. It wasn't awkward, driving her out there. They were quiet a lot but it didn't feel uncomfortable. It just felt too real while at the same time he didn't feel like he belonged in that reality and he more often than not felt like he really shouldn't be driving. He'd cleaned up and he hadn't had much to drink, just a shot to steady himself because not drinking at all felt worse, but he was clean and he'd had his coffee so that wasn't the problem. He hadn't touched the car in over a week was the problem and the last time he drove anywhere it was to Blackwater Woods to either find Jasper or kill himself trying. He'd failed at both, obviously, and being in the car again just felt off.
Jules just looked sad and resigned the whole way there and after she'd been even more so. He hadn't tried to change her mind but he'd made sure she still had his number and knew she was welcome to show up whenever she wanted. Again, it was too real and after she left his place he found it hard to cry even if he wanted to. It was tempting to just crawl back into the hole he'd been spending all his time in but instead he drove to Sycamore Street. Charlie was at work, he knew that, but he sat in his truck outside her house until he saw her car pull up. He wasn't sure what he was doing there, maybe giving her the ending she was sure to want after he'd ghosted her all this time, or maybe he could fix things but that part felt selfish and unattainable somehow. As ever, Charlie deserved better.
After learning that Jasper had gone missing with so many others out on Witcham Road, Charlie had tried unsuccessfully to get in contact with Gavin. He hadn't answered her calls or texts, and no one had come to the door when she went to his house to check on him. She might have begun to suspect he simply left town if his truck hadn't been there in the driveway. It took a while, but Charlie eventually took the hint that he didn't want to see her. She didn't think it was her he didn't want to see, but... people in general. And while Charlie accepted that he was grieving and in pain... it still hurt to be shut out. If she couldn't be someone he could turn to and lean on, then Charlie wasn't entirely sure what she could be to him, if anything. Maybe that was why he hadn't taken her calls. Eventually she had to stop speculating, because it was starting to drive her crazy.
Seeing his truck outside of her house when she arrived home from work was something of a surprise, though she recovered from it quickly by the time she parked her car and gathered her things. Slipping her bag over her shoulder, she carried several folders of schoolwork that needed grading and walked calmly over to the truck, where Gavin was sitting behind the steering wheel. Charlie studied him quietly for a moment. "Are you coming inside?"
That was an invitation, or at least it sounded enough like one though Gavin didn't feel particularly welcome. He nodded and got out of the truck, every bit the image of awkwardness. She however looked beautiful as she always did, a little tired maybe but that had never been enough to diminish her in any way. On some level he felt like if he wasn't a selfish bastard he would end this thing between them now and let her go onto something better but it was hard to let go. Maybe he hoped on some level that she would realize he was a waste of time and end it herself and then he could truly drown in his own misery. He followed her inside, hands in his pockets as he wondered if he should carry her things for her and decided that no, it would come off as patronizing under the circumstances. "How've you been?" he asked quietly, cautiously even, barely looking at her.
Once they were inside, Charlie set her things down and shrugged out of her coat to hang it up. She had expected that question, although it seemed wrong to answer honestly, given what he was going through. Now that she was getting a better look at him, he looked exhausted, which was to be expected. When Amelia had been missing, Gavin looked very much the same. Defeated. "I'm fine, Gavin." Charlie kept her voice even, momentarily distracted by Baxter racing into the foyer to greet them both. "I need to let him out real quick. Do you want some coffee?" If she had to wager a guess, she would say that he had probably been living off of alcohol for the past couple of weeks.
Her dog was like a tiny beam of sunshine but Gavin couldn't bring himself to pay him the attention he deserved right now so he just gave him a tired little smile of appreciation before shaking his head. "Nah, thanks," he muttered, the thought of coffee or cigarettes or anything really turning his stomach a bit. His insides felt raw, too little sleep, too much alcohol, too much smoking and now his stomach felt a little weird from the last cup of coffee he'd had, though he was willing to wager some of that queasiness came from confronting Charlie. "I'll uh- I'll wait." He gestured at the dog, lips twitching into an attempted smile for her. He wasn't even sure what conversation they'd be having today, but he knew it wasn't going to be easy.
Charlie nodded and went with Baxter to the kitchen, where she let him out the door to do his business. While she waited, she poured herself a glass of water and took a long drink, hoping it would calm her nerves. Baxter didn't take terribly long outside, since he knew Gavin was there and Baxter loved being around him. After letting her dog back inside and feeding him a treat, Charlie carried her glass of water back into the living room and gestured for Gavin to sit if he wanted to. She took up a place on the couch and set her water down on the coffee table. It took every ounce of willpower she had to smother the desire to start filling the silence. But he knew she wanted to know how he was doing and now that he had come to her, Charlie had to imagine he had something to say. So she would be patient and wait for him to say it.
The silence stretched on and Gavin had no idea how to start speaking to her or what to say so it probably went on far longer than it needed to as he wrung his hands and stared at the floor. Finally he sat up a little straighter, for all of two seconds, as if that might help him speak. "It's not going to get any better, Charlie," he muttered. "This family is cursed, this town is cursed. I won't hold a grudge if you want out." He paused, not really looking at her for her reaction but that was probably the wisest thing he could do in this situation, or so he thought, give her a clean exit if she wanted it. "You deserve so much better."
"I've had a lot of people tell me what I do and don't deserve," Charlie said after a moment of thought. "I think it's probably time I start deciding that for myself." Baxter was sniffing around Gavin's shoes and then nudging at his hands, eager for attention. Then he flopped down on the carpet with a huff, his chin resting between his paws as his eyes drifted between Charlie and Gavin. For a brief moment she wondered if Gavin was giving her an out because he wanted one, but he couldn't bring himself to say so. If that was the case, he would have to do it himself. Charlie was getting tired of bending to make things easier on everyone else. "I guess I just need to know if you need me," she added. "I thought maybe you did, but now I'm not so sure. I've been here for the last couple of weeks wondering if we just weren't on the same page, and if we weren't, that's probably my fault. Maybe this town is cursed, but I'm not running away from it."
Did he need her? Gavin wasn't sure about that because he didn't know what he needed. She was good for him and at times he felt like that was something he wasn't ready for, would never be ready for. He wanted to drown himself in his sorrow and at his lowest points he wanted that quite literally; to just fade away and never wake up. Sitting here with Charlie reminded him of the times when he didn't feel like that and he'd crawled out of a pit once before, but could he do it again? He stared at the dog for now, even if his focus was all inward as his thoughts raced and churned with great effort. It was somewhat surprising he couldn't hear his brain creaking from the pressure, rusty and slow as it had been lately. "I love you, Charlie," he said finally, matter of factly. "I'm just no good right now. I don't know if I ever will be. I'm not a good man."
Admittedly she had been longing to hear Gavin say those words for a long time, but given the context of the conversation, it seemed to hurt more than it elated her. Charlie understood what he was trying to say. It was easier for him to give up and sink into a black hole than to try and go on with life like it was normal. Charlie had never had a child, and never would, so she had no idea what his suffering felt like. But she had felt tragedy and loss before, especially sudden tragedy and loss. It was hard to believe life would ever be the same again, and in some ways, it never had. The loss of her sister was something she felt every day. Except she had been able to manage the pain. Maybe Gavin didn't think he could. "You're a good man," Charlie murmured. "I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if you weren't. I want to be here for you, but I can't force you to accept something you don't really want. I can't be compartmentalized in your life, Gavin. I don't want to feel like I'm perhaps just a temporary sanctuary for you. I want to be a part of your life, all of it, even the parts you may be ashamed of."
He couldn't tell her how wrong she was, the thought of her knowing about all the horrible shit he'd done would destroy him, even if she probably deserved to know. She was projecting goodness on him that he didn't feel worthy of because he might not be an evil person, but what were the things he'd done if not evil? Her words cut through his thoughts, so earnest and yet so heavy it felt like they knocked the wind out of him and before he knew it he was crying again. He didn't want to cry in front of her, didn't want her to know or see any of the things he was ashamed of but he couldn't hold that back, covering his face with both hands as the dam broke again.
Guilt flooded Charlie instantly and she moved over to Gavin to wrap her arms around him. Maybe he didn't need her in the way she thought he did, but he needed something. And that something wasn't Charlie feeling alone and confused about their relationship. There were more important things happening right now. If nothing else, Gavin needed a shoulder to cry on, maybe someone to listen. And she could be that person. So she kept her arms around him, one hand sliding up to press against the nape of his neck. It wasn't fair, that Gavin had to keep feeling this kind of pain. Maybe this town truly was cursed.
Without the physical distance it was like a spell had been broken and Gavin was drawn to the warmth of her body and presence, leaning into her embrace as he cried. That was all he did for a while, unable to speak or shake it off and maybe that was a good thing. Maybe choking it all down was killing him. The last thing he wanted now was to go home or anywhere else, he just wanted to curl up there on her couch and be oblivious for a while, knowing she was around. "I'm sorry," he whispered eventually because even if he was lost in his own pain, he wasn't unaware of hers. Maybe it was her choice and maybe it was a shitty one, but she was still there, getting hurt by him. He knew better than to reiterate that she deserved better, it would grate on her nerves - if it didn't already - and he just hoped she knew she did - truly knew it in her bones - but he doubted it or she'd be out there getting it.
Charlie held him while he cried, her fingers stroking through the hair at the nape of his neck gently. It sounded cathartic to her, though she was aware that purging his tears wouldn't necessarily take away the pain. When he told her that he was sorry, Charlie held him more tightly. "You don't have to apologize to me," she murmured. Finally, she pulled back, but kept her arms around him loosely. "Do you want to talk? Or you can sleep here for a while, if you want." He looked exhausted and she couldn't help but wonder how much sleep he had gotten since Jasper went missing. Probably not much. If there was something that they needed to work out, they could do that later, when they were both feeling all right, or some semblance of it.
"I think I could sleep," Gavin muttered, wiping at his face with his sleeve. He did feel like he needed to say sorry, sorry for crying, sorry for shutting her out, sorry for constantly being the butt of some cosmic cruel joke but he was too tired to argue that point. "I had an early morning." Jules's secret wasn't his to tell but it burned there on his tongue and pushed at his chest, wanting to be shared. Because it was his too, just another heavy feeling weighing him down. "I'm just so ready for this all to stop," he admitted, reaching up to cover her hand with his, stroking the soft skin on her wrist. He did feel a little better after crying, not by much, but he could feel how much it helped to have her hold him and to have Baxter rest his head on his thigh, looking at him with those big brown pupper eyes.
"I know." Charlie couldn't promise him that Jasper would come back, or that this town would leave his family alone. All she could do was hold him and be there for him and hope that was enough. If she could have done anything else, she would have. "Why don't you go upstairs and sleep for a while?" she suggested, squeezing her hand around his. "Or you can sleep on the couch if you want. I can be quiet." The dog would likely try to curl up beside him too, since it seemed like Baxter was in tune with Gavin's turmoil at the moment. She doubted he would leave Gavin's side until Gavin had to leave again.
"You can be as loud as you want," Gavin told her. "It might even help me sleep." He huffed humorlessly and reached down to stroke Baxter's head. Amelia had all but dognapped his dogs and he sometimes found he missed them when she took them out but at the same time he was relieved someone was taking care of them. He was in no shape these days to take them running on the beach but Amelia had that energy and she needed to work it off. "We can... We'll talk when I wake up?" He didn't want to talk, wanted things to just fall back into easy familiarity but he owed her more than that and even he wasn't too stunted to realize.
Charlie nodded and stood before placing a kiss on the top of Gavin's head. "Get some rest. I'll be grading papers if you need anything." She would be happy to get him water, or anything else he might need, but Gavin also knew he was welcome to anything in her place like it was his own. She wasn't entirely sure they would talk about anything when he woke up, but Charlie realized she couldn't be upset about that. He was going through a lot of trauma and it probably wasn't fair of her to question what their relationship actually was. Even if Gavin wasn't sure if he needed her or not, Charlie felt like he did, at least in times like this, and she loved him, so she could be there for him.
All Gavin needed right now was to close his eyes for a bit and it helped that he wasn't in his own living room, soaked through with sadness and booze by now. Charlie's place felt fresh and clean in comparison, bright but not in a way that seemed to impact his ability to actually rest his eyes. He caught her hand and held on for a second before letting her slip away, then curled up on the couch, pulling a blanket over himself. It said a lot about his state of mind that the small act of Baxter joining him there made him emotional all over again but he was done with crying for now, he was just exhausted and emotionally drained and being at Charlie's house felt like coming home to safety. He could have beat himself up about almost letting her slip away. Maybe he had and he just didn't know it yet because she wouldn't ditch him in the middle of all of this but he couldn't worry about that now, he needed this more than he'd realized and would cling to it while he could.