BE-E AGGRESSIVE! (be_aggressive) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2020-07-10 18:21:00 |
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Entry tags: | #february 2018, gavin, gavin x jules, jules |
Who: Jules and Gavin
When: Morning, mid-February
Where: Gavin’s house
Status: Complete
It had taken Jules the better part of the week to gather up the courage to drive to Jasper’s house. He had been gone a few weeks now and Jules hadn’t really been able to pull herself out of her depression long enough to check in on Mr. Lucas or Amelia. She felt guilty about it, like it was her responsibility to make sure they were okay, but Jules hadn’t really been in the right mindset to take care of herself, let alone other people. And maybe that was why she was standing on his doorstep now. She needed Gavin’s help because there was really nowhere else to go. That seemed to be her life lately, didn’t it? For a few moments at home Jules had been so desperate that she briefly considered asking Caius D’Onofrio for what she needed in exchange for trying to reopen the doorway, or portal, or whatever it was… but that thought had been fleeting. There was no way she could risk everyone’s lives because of her own stupidity.
Jules was feeling nervous and sick to her stomach but she didn’t have any other choice but to ring the bell and hope he was feeling up to seeing her, if only for a few minutes. While she waited, her gaze was drawn to Jasper’s car still in the driveway. It made her heart hurt worse than it already did and Jules bit down into her lower lip, hard enough to spark some pain and refocus her emotions.
Gavin's life was completely shot lately. Shortly after Jasper went missing there had been a letter from the hospital for 'Lyra Holden' - Amelia's new fake name - and since he suspected what it might be he opened it instead of giving it to her. The bill was insane, of course, because Lyra Holden did not have health insurance. He'd sat with the knowledge for a few days, wondering just how the hell to handle this on top of everything else. If it was in his name he wouldn't give a shit but it was Amelia and she had no way of paying that kind of money, even over time. It didn't help the thinking process that he was constantly drunk these days, shutting everyone out and hiding away in his shabby living room much like he had with Amelia. The difference now was that Amelia was there and she was pushing him constantly to snap out of it, to go talk to Charlie - even if he was pretty sure that relationship was over with how he was dodging her calls and visits - to man up and realize he wasn't the only one suffering. Amelia was raging lately and on the rare occasion she was home she'd started yelling at him and even breaking things in a way that reminded him of Ollie. Gavin not only didn't know how to fix it, he couldn't find it in himself to even want to.
He was right there in the dark and dreary place when there was a knock on the door. He wasn't sure how he knew it was different, maybe because everyone he knew who came knocking either tried to come in or they called his name. Maybe it helped that he was on his feet already, heading from the bathroom to the living room. He at least peeked out to see who it was, ready to ignore it until he saw it was Jules. Something twisted painfully in his gut and he almost didn't open the door but damn it, maybe she knew something, maybe there was news.
He knew he looked like hell and for the first time he felt a little ashamed of it as he opened the door, eyes red rimmed and his beard shaggy. He hadn't changed his shirt in a while either and he didn't fully feel human at the moment. "Jules," he said quietly and remembering that he'd told her she could always come to him he felt he had no choice but to let her in. "Are you okay?"
Seeing Mr. Lucas in that state was admittedly a bit startling, despite the fact that Jules felt like shit herself, and probably looked it. She hadn't bothered with makeup and her hair was brushed haphazardly into a messy ponytail. Nightmares had plagued her sleep for the past couple of weeks, but she didn't have the energy or desire to cover up the dark circles under her eyes. As much as she felt terrible that Gavin was so obviously suffering because of Jasper's disappearance, Jules couldn't help but feel... relieved... that she wasn't the only one who couldn't seem to function.
Stepping inside the house, Jules slipped her hands into her coat pockets, trying to muster up even the semblance of a smile, but finding it impossible. Was she okay? No, but he already knew that. "I need... help," Jules said, grimacing as she spoke, because that was probably the last thing Gavin wanted to hear. The house reeked of cigarette smoke and alcohol and she realized his bloodshot eyes could be because he was drunk. Maybe. It didn't matter. "Um... is Amelia home?"
Gavin shook his head and he had no idea where his daughter was currently. She'd taken his truck and that was fine, he wasn't about to be using it anytime soon. The first few days he'd taken to the woods as if he might find something the cops didn't but all it had gotten him was blisters and more heartache. "Come in," he said with a little wave of his hand, gesturing to the kitchen rather than the living room. It was a little cleaner but only because of Amelia and the fact he wasn't eating much lately. "Do you want coffee? Soda?" he asked and at least he had something around for her to drink, again mostly because Amelia lived there too. She didn't look near as terrible as he did but he could still see the toll this was taking on her and maybe that gave him some relief too. She could come in because she understood the pain he was in.
Jules hesitated, then followed him into the kitchen. It was hard not to remember all of the times she had been in there with Jasper. When he made her pizza rolls even before they admitted to being an actual couple. He had given her a hex bag to protect her. Jules curled her fingers into her palms, wishing she had taken off her gloves just so she could feel her nails bite into her palms. "No, I'm okay," Jules said with a small shake of her head. She wondered if she should sit, but then she didn't really think she could. Her legs felt stiff and she didn't know if she would be staying long or not. For all she knew, this could go sideways real fast. "I need a favor, and I didn't know who else to go to. I just..." The nausea was strong again and Jules took a breath, throwing up a prayer that she wouldn't puke on Mr. Lucas's kitchen floor. "I'm pregnant. And I just... need help."
Any attempts at normalcy were forgotten when she spoke and Gavin stared at her, trying to reconcile what she was saying with the reality they were sharing. It was Jasper's and he'd been afraid this would happen when Jasper started dating yet now... How could he be annoyed about it when Jasper was gone and Jules looked absolutely terrified. "Oh my God," he whispered and pressed his hand against his mouth as he kept trying to comprehend what this meant, what she meant. "Yeah," he whispered and dropped his hand again. "What... What do you need?" All the possibilities crossed his mind and financially the idea of her having Jasper's kid and needing help with that felt like getting crushed by rocks, but it'd be Jasper's kid. If she wanted an abortion that was far more sensible but... It was Jasper's kid. He hadn't thought he could feel much worse but with two words she'd proven him wrong.
He looked a little shook up but that was better than anger. Jules knew Jasper's mom had gotten pregnant really young and she knew his childhood hadn't been the best. After she had realized she was pregnant, Jules had cried. And then she had tried to imagine having the baby. Her mom would probably kick her out and while Jules thought she could handle that, she hadn't known what would come next. She would have a part of Jasper with her. But after giving it a few days, Jules had come to realize she just wasn't ready. She was seventeen. She hadn't even graduated high school yet. It hadn't been an easy decision for her, but deep in her heart she knew it was the right one. Hopefully Gavin would understand. "I'm going to a clinic tomorrow morning, about forty minutes outside of town. They told me it would be five hundred dollars." Her voice broke and she knew how it probably looked, an Overlook Brat asking him for money when her mom had so much of it. But she couldn't tell her mom. She couldn't tell anyone. "I would find a way to pay you back."
Gavin had money, that wasn't a problem. He didn't have the kind of money to pay Amelia's hospital bill but swinging five hundred dollars like this wasn't that big of a deal. He nodded slowly, feeling a little faint so he moved slowly to sit down at the kitchen table. She was a smart girl, she wasn't going to have a kid at her age, not like Ollie and that was a good thing, but he still couldn't help but feel a little sad about it. He knew it was hypocrisy at its worst, considering what he'd done to Mila Moretti, but a part of him wanted Jules to have this baby. "Of course," he said and he sounded about as defeated as he felt. "Are you sure that's what you want?" It was a big decision but it was all hers and he wouldn't try to change her mind, yet he still felt like she needed to know he was there to help no matter what she ended up doing.
When Gavin sat, Jules hesitated and then sat down too. It felt strange and she still felt a little out of place, but she felt more relaxed now that she knew he wasn't going to yell at her or tell her to leave. Jules knew he was Catholic and she knew what Catholics thought about abortion. But Gavin was going to help her and she could feel an immense weight start to lift from her shoulders. His question prompted unwanted tears to fill her eyes and Jules wiped them away quickly while nodding. "Yeah. I mean... I don't know if it's what I want. It's Jasper, you know?" Jules paused, pressing her palm against her eye as she swallowed hard. Once she felt like she could talk without bursting into tears, she tried again. "But I'm not ready to be a mom. I can't do it, not without Jasper here. I don't want to."
Hearing her say Jasper's name was like a punch in the gut and for a moment Gavin felt like he couldn't breathe. He waited while she waited, aware that she was trying to gain composure. He didn't reply right away, breathing through his own grief as he thought about what could be, what could have been. It was ridiculous because if Jasper was here he would have been one hundred percent on board with Jules getting an abortion. But Jasper was gone and some small part of him was envisioning being a grandfather, helping out, doing better this time. It was unrealistic but he still felt a keen sense of loss knowing that it would never happen. "Is there anyone who can go with you?" he asked, focusing on the solving part of their problem rather than some half realized fantasies that could never come true.
Jules didn't know what Jasper might have said if he was still there. They would have made the decision together though, that much she was sure of. It might not have been easy and maybe they would have argued... she didn't really know. But she knew he wouldn't have left her alone to deal with it. God, everything hurt and Jules just wanted to curl up somewhere and cry. It was difficult seeing the emotion in Gavin's face too and not for the first time, Jules felt the weight of what she had done. The guilt still lingered. She wasn't sure it would ever go away. Caius D'Onofrio had told her any deaths were on her hands, and he was right. Wiping her nose with the back of her hand, Jules shook her head. "I think I'll be okay going alone... I just can't tell anyone. I trust you, but... if I told anyone else, it would probably get out somehow and I can't."
Gavin didn't know how abortions worked these days, he barely knew much about it back when Ollie didn't have one eighteen years ago but he couldn't imagine it was easy mentally or physically. The thought of Jules driving herself out there and back by herself didn't sit right with him and for the first time since Jasper disappeared he felt a spark of something inside of himself, some sense of purpose. "You're not going alone," he told her. "I'm taking you." He was in no shape to do so right now but he could sleep it off and be ready to go in the morning. She might not want him there but he didn't really care. He wanted to make sure she was safe and driving after something like that didn't sound safe to him. He was paying, he was going, that was it.
Jules nearly protested, because she thought it might be awkward for them both to drive that far together. But... her desire not to be alone overwhelmed everything else and rather than tell him no, Jules nodded, feeling her throat close up again. "I have to be there at ten o'clock," she said hoarsely. "I don't know how long it'll take. If you're sure... I can be here around nine." She wanted Jasper with her more than anything, but if he couldn't be there, she would be okay with his dad. Gavin knew what she was feeling and what she was going through. Probably better than anyone else in her life at the moment. They both loved Jasper and maybe his dad would be of more comfort to her than anyone else she could think of to take her.
"Nine, yeah," Gavin replied, rubbing his beard as he nodded slowly, calculating how to wake up and get ready before then. "Forty minutes you said? Then an hour is plenty of time in case of traffic." He'd done so much sleeping already, one morning of sobriety and waking wouldn't kill him. He wasn't worried about how awkward the drive might be, pretty sure they could be quiet together or listen to the radio. He didn't feel awkward around her anymore, they had shared pain and if anything she was less of an uncomfortable presence than many others. If Jasper was here he would take her, it felt only right to do this for her and for his son.
Jules nodded, unable to deny how relieved she suddenly felt, knowing he would not only pay for it, but would drive her there and home. She realized she didn't want to leave. She wanted to go into Jasper's room and slip under the covers and sleep. Maybe his pillows still smelled like him. Her heart felt like it was stuck in a tightening vise. If she stayed much longer, it really would be too difficult to leave. "I should go," she murmured. "Do you... need anything? Or Amelia?" Jules didn't know what she could do, but if there was something, she would try.
The only thing any of them needed was to get Jasper back but Gavin knew better than to say it. It wasn't like she didn't already know anyway. He shook his head and gave her a sad excuse for a smile. "Thank you for asking," he replied and if he hadn't been so grimy and smelly he might have wanted to hug her, she just looked so small and lost. "Just take care of yourself, that's what Jasper would want." She'd been good for him and Gavin wasn't blind to it, he was pretty sure Jasper had really loved her and it was becoming easy to understand why. He wondered if she and Amelia had gotten along but he knew better than to try to let them meet right now, Amelia was grieving in her own way and for her it all came out in rage.
Jules hoped that he understood that she would bring Jasper back if she could. If she knew for sure she could find that place again, if she knew for sure it would be safe and he would be himself and not hurt anyone. But she didn't know for sure. She didn't know much of anything anymore. This time last year she had been dating Cam Malone and cheering for the basketball team and enjoying her friends and partying. That was all she had needed. Now she felt alien in the place where she grew up. Things were never going to be the same for her. "I'll do my best," Jules said finally, because that's all she could promise at the moment. Standing from the chair, Jules slipped her hands back into her pockets. "I'll see you tomorrow. Um... I can bring you coffee, if you want." He looked terrible and she knew nine o'clock was probably early for him.
Gavin almost said no, she didn't need to go out of her way to bring him coffee that early but then he thought better of it because it'd definitely help. Especially if he didn't wake up early enough to brew his own. "Yeah that'd be... Yeah. Just creamer for me." She might end up buying something fancy somewhere, Gavin wasn't into that at all but he'd drink it if she did and be grateful, damn it. He wanted to ask her why she didn't have anyone by her side through all of this, maybe not her mom but a friend at least but he had felt all alone back when he was her age too. She'd just been through something so strange and traumatizing, it wasn't really weird that she'd shut out her friends if she even had any. She looked like the type who had lots of friends but chances were they were all fake. Gavin wasn't going to be a friend to her, but he was her boyfriend's father and they shared that grief so he would be there for her. He rose from his chair too, far more aware of his awful state now that he'd had her in the house. It was easy to be oblivious in the thick of it but it felt like he'd stepped outside it for a second and the fresh breeze filled him with shame. "I'll... I'll clean up," he mumbled, vaguely gesturing at himself. "I'll be ready."
"Just creamer. Okay." Jules nodded, because she could do that. It was probably the very least she could do, considering how much he was willing to do for her now. More than anything, Jules didn't want to think about her friends, or her mom. She knew someone like Bash would have driven her, but his mom was gone too. She wasn't about to lay something that heavy on him, or Ruby, or Greg. And who else was left who wouldn't start whispering about Jules Cooper having an abortion all over town? Her lips twitched briefly when he said he would clean up. He did look pretty terrible, but Jules understood it. It had taken a lot of willpower for her just to get dressed today. She could only imagine what the clinic staff would think if Gavin followed her inside, looking the way he did now. Not that she really cared and she doubted Gavin would either. "I'll see you tomorrow then," Jules murmured before hesitating and then turning to walk back for the front door. This whole thing felt surreal, like she was stuck in a terrible dream that was never going to end. What would Jasper think about any of this?
Gavin hadn't quite given up on the small hope that Jasper might come home. Amelia had come home and she'd been stuck in some horrible dimension too. He wasn't sure it'd be a good thing though, Jasper had been infected with something, he'd almost killed his sister just like Joseph had almost killed Bridget. The whole town had been affected so would it be the same if he returned? He had nightmares about that, about Jasper being dead, about him coming back, about him warping into something terrible but if... If Jasper came back, Gavin was pretty sure he would be okay with Jules's decision, Gavin could only speculate of course but he didn't think his boy would be ready to be a dad. So this was, however painful, the right thing to do. He walked Jules to the door, all too aware of the way this mirrored so many other awful events but this time it was different. It was her decision, nobody was forcing anyone to do anything and yet... "I want you to know that if you change your mind-" he mumbled, unsure how to put it in a way that wouldn't hurt her. "I'll help you there too."
While Jules didn't think she would change her mind, she still appreciated the sentiment. It was comforting to know she had someone who would have her back if she had wanted to keep the baby. But she couldn't see how that was an option now. Maybe if Jasper had been here... and even that was a really slim maybe. Her gut feeling was she just wasn't ready and she doubted he would have been either. Jules managed a small smile for his dad. "Thank you." And that was all she could really say because she had already made up her mind. It wasn't easy, but it was the only option for her right now. Pulling open the door, she stepped outside and turned to give him a brief wave before slipping her hands back into her pockets and walking down towards her car.
Gavin gave her a little smile when she waved and his feelings were a confusing jumble of contradictions. He was relieved her mind was made up while he was also scared that she would change her mind before she went through with it - simultaneously he hoped she'd change her mind even if it was unrealistic and potentially terrible. How would he support a pregnant teenager on top of everything else? No, this was good and he hoped she'd stay her course even if it hurt. He waited until she was safely in her car before he closed the door and fished his pack of cigarettes from his pocket. he needed to sleep early and he needed to clean up and maybe... really clean up - the living room too. It was just hard to snap out of it when all he really wanted to do was drink more and sleep forever.