|webmistresses (webmistresses) wrote in severus_sighs,|
@ 2012-01-14 10:33:00
|Entry tags:||drabble, event: reviving severus *sighs* 2012, member: misse, pairing: none, rating: pg-13|
There Is A God by miss_e
Title: There Is A God
Rating: M (for language)
Word Count: 624
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and their worlds belong to their original writers and no copyright infringement or offense is intended. No money was made from this story.
A/N: With many thanks to the incomparable sighing_selkie, who beta’d three stories in one night.
Summary/Snippet: Things are desperate, so there’s only one thing to do…
Notes: Crack-fic, OOC, you name it. But – hey! – he made it!
Severus stared, aghast, at his ‘Master’. He was about to die, all because Voldemort sought mastery of the Elder Wand, and he thought that because Severus had killed Dumbledore, he was the new master of the wand. If it weren’t so out of character, he would have snorted in laughter. Oh, and he was about to die; not quite so humorous now.
How was he going to get out of this? Explain to him that as he had obeyed Dumbledore’s command to kill him, it meant he’d never defeated the man? Of course, that would expose the fact that he was always Dumbledore’s man, and would be an automatic death sentence, so maybe not. Oh: offer up Draco, since he actually managed to disarm Dumbledore, which made him the new master of the wand. Except there was that pesky vow he’d made to Narcissa. Bugger.
He turned his attention back to Voldemort, and considered his options.
“Ni!” he declared.
Voldemort blinked, and stared at him. “What?” he demanded finally.
“… The hell?”
“Ni, ni, ni, ni, ni,” Severus chanted.
Voldemort gaped at his follower. “What the bloody hell are you on about.”
“I am one of the Knights Who Say ‘Ni’,” Severus explained haughtily, “and we demand a shrubbery!”
He’s finally cracked, Voldemort decided. The man was now loonier than Bellatrix, and that woman had more screws loose than a Meccano factory. He scowled: could the Elder Wand be mastered by a crack-pot? Surely not. Still… “What would you do with a shrubbery, anyway?”
“It’s a shrubbery,” Severus shot back scornfully, “you don’t do anything with it, you just have it.”
Voldemort would have raised an eyebrow, except for the fact that he was part snake, and therefore didn’t have any. “I beg your pardon?” he asked awfully.
“You really are a few sandwiches short of a picnic, aren’t you?” Severus sniffed. “It’s quite a simple concept. Shrubberies are things you have, not things you use.”
All of a sudden, Voldemort desperately missed his nose. Once upon a time, he could have pinched the bridge of his nose, but with his Nagini-influenced reanimated body, he no longer had a nose, and couldn’t do that. So he settled for scowling at his subordinate. “Have you completely lost your mind?”
There was only one way he was surviving this. Severus plumbed the depths of his soul (don’t laugh, he had one!) and dredged up his feelings for that Weasley boy, and piled them onto his feelings for his ‘Master’, and sneered. “As the only person in this room with, oh, shall we say facial features? I really think the wrong person is being asked that question here.”
Voldemort stalked over and glared up at him (slightly: amazing how a person can be so ‘big’ and yet shorter than yourself, Severus mused.) “Are you quite finished?” he hissed.
“Ni!” Severus announced.
Voldemort gaped at him. He stepped back, and examined the man closely. He grit his teeth. “Is that all you have to say?”
Severus tilted his head to the side in thought then shook his head. “Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm,” he declared.
Voldemort’s eyes widened, and he decided the man was finally about to blow, turned tail, and fled.
Severus’ legs waited until the sound of Voldemort’s passage had finally faded, then promptly failed him, and he collapsed to the ground. He started at the sound of a window opening, and watched as Harry bloody Potter crawled into the Boat-shed.
“What the bloody hell was that?” Harry demanded, wide-eyed.
Severus began to laugh, a rough, gasping sound, and it was several minutes before he could talk again. Finally, he looked at the green-eyed wizard. “There is a god,” he explained, “and his name is Monty Python!”