[FIC] Remus/Harry -- Conversations at Midnight (R) Title: Conversations at Midnight Rating: R Pairing: Remus/Harry Kink(s): vanilla with a kick of angst tossed in. Challenge: Lusty Month of May Marathon, day thirty Words: 1479 Notes: Repost of the LMoMM fic - day thirty Originally Posted: May 2005
"Remus, can I come in?"
Dimly, Remus was aware of the sound of someone knocking followed by the voice at the door. His mind was too addled by sleep to put a face to the voice and he found himself allowing entrance to whoever was at his door.
There were only so many people it could be, Remus told himself after the words "come in" left his lips. Number 12 Grimmauld Place only held so many inhabitants this summer, as compared to last. It seemed that no one wanted to be around him in his depression.
Frankly, he couldn't blame them.
Of all the people Remus had expected to be at his doorway, Harry certainly wasn't at the top of his list. Actually, Harry wasn't even in the top ten of people Remus expected to see at his door around midnight and he wasn't even sure if there were ten people at Grimmauld at the present.
After Sirius fell beyond the veil, Harry had made it perfectly clear he wanted nothing to do with his godfather's lover and Remus couldn't blame him. It was partially his fault that Sirius was dead; he wasn't able to get there in time. Not only that, but he had pulled Harry back from the archway. What if Sirius had been just beyond the veil and all it would have taken was Harry's hand to pull him out?
That single thought had kept Remus awake for many a night and it was that thought that had pushed a rift between Harry and Remus as wide as the Atlantic Ocean.
So why Harry was suddenly standing at his door at midnight was... beyond a puzzlement.
Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Remus ran a hand through his hair, trying to smooth down the sleep-tousled locks. He knew he was far from presentable, but how presentable could one look after just waking up?
Answering 'Sirius' in his mind only placed a knot in the pit of his stomach that wouldn't become dislodged.
"Is... is something the matter, Harry?" Remus asked, his voice slightly scratchy.
Harry shook his head, still hovering at the doorway.
"Well... what is it then?" Remus prompted, sitting up further in his bed. Now that the sleep was leaving him, he was more awake and no longer as hazy and delayed in his reactions.
"I... I want to talk to you," Harry said, inching into the room.
Remus nodded slowly. The late hour was an odd time to pick for a conversation, but who was he to complain? Harry was talking to him again and making the first effort to breach the barriers that had been set up between them. Remus certainly wouldn't push him away and ask that any conversation wait until morning.
"Come in then," Remus said, offering Harry a smile. "You certainly don't need to stand out in the hallway."
He patted the bed beside where he was currently lying in an invitation. Harry watched Remus from the doorway as if weighing his options. Remus remained still, waiting for Harry to make the move now. It was like meeting an animal for the first time. You stuck your hand out and waited for it to come towards you and sniff your hand, deciding whether or not you were friend or foe.
Harry was cautious as he walked forward, but finally (after what seemed like an hour but was really only a few minutes) he laid down on the bed next to Remus. When Remus had patted the bed, he meant sit on the edge, not lie down close enough to wrap arms around.
"I... I need to apologise for my behaviour," Harry began, looking everywhere but at Remus's face. "I know you did what you could and you stopped me from making a big mistake. I... I guess I couldn't deal with the fact that you were right and he was gone and I just wanted so badly to keep him."
Remus closed his eyes, drawing in a shallow breath. "We both wanted to keep him, Harry," Remus said softly, "But if I had to lose him, I couldn't risk losing you as well. I'm surviving his death, though barely. I couldn't survive both of your deaths."
Harry looked up at Remus, meeting his amber eyes for the first time. "You mean that, don't you?"
There was something odd in the way Harry asked that question, but Remus discounted it. He needed to stop reading so far into things.
"I do, Harry," Remus said, reaching a hand out to lightly cup Harry's chin.
He intended it to be as a fatherly touch but somehow, the simple gesture took on a different tone as soon as his hand touched Harry's skin. Remus pulled his hand away quickly as if he had been scalded, but it was Harry who caught his wrist before Remus could move his hand away.
"You... don't have to pull away," Harry said keeping his voice soft as if afraid to wake anyone else in the house.
Remus raised a brow before he could stop his face from showing any hint of a reaction. "Do... do you realise what you're saying...? What you're asking?"
Harry nodded after pausing as if thinking it over. "I know what I'm asking. I need you in my life, Remus. I tried pushing you away, but that hurt too much. You're the last link I have... to anyone or anything. Don't push me away."
Remus pulled Harry closer to his chest, the way one would cradle a small child.
"I'll be your father... if that's what you want," Remus whispered against the top of Harry's head.
Harry pulled back far enough to look Remus in the eye, but still remained encircled in his arms. "I don't want another bloody father. Mrs Weasley does alright in the mothering department and the only father figures I've known, be it Dad or Sirius have both been killed." Harry shook his head, nestling closer to Remus. "I don't want that."
"Th... then what do you want?" Remus asked, unable to hide the shake in his voice.
"What you and Sirius had."
Remus closed his eyes, dropping his hands from around Harry's body. He turned his head away from the boy and away from the temptation that laid in his eyes. "I can't. You ask the one thing that I can't give you."
Harry turned Remus's face back to centre, holding his hands on either cheek so Remus couldn't look away. "We need each other, Remus... we need each other to heal. You've been telling me that I needed you to help the healing process and to get over Sirius's death, well, you need the same thing. We'll help each other."
"I... I said let me be there for you, but I didn't mean as a lov--"
Remus was cut off by Harry pushing himself up and against Remus's chest, their bodies flush against each other as he kissed him. Remus froze at the contact before his body responded. His tongue flicked along Harry's lip, begging for entrance and when the boy did part his lips, it felt like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. Harry moved against him, tentatively, as if afraid he would be pushed away. Remus ran his hands down Harry's back, finally coming to rest on his hips as they rubbed against each other, mimicking what both knew they couldn't do tonight.
Sex was simply out of their league right now.
It was Harry who pulled away first, his lips reddened from the kiss and his face slightly flushed. Remus trailed his hand along Harry's side, coming to rest on his chest; feeling his heart beat beneath his hand.
"You do need me," Harry whispered, watching Remus closely.
Remus shook his head, brushing his lips against Harry's.
"No, we need each other."
***
They didn't have sex that night. Somehow, it seemed wrong to violate the sanctity of whatever ground they had covered in talking to each other that night.
Instead, Harry curled up against Remus's front, tucking his head underneath the older man's chin; feeling safe and protected. Remus held him, cautiously at first as if he were a china doll one would break if he squeezed too tightly. Then, as Harry faded off to sleep, Remus's grip tightened slightly. Feeling Harry's skin underneath his fingertips convinced him that he was indeed alive once again.
The sex would come tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night they would heal through sex, feeling skin against skin as they slid against each other in a dance as old as time itself. Tomorrow, Remus would bury himself inside his dead lover's godson and feel the pain steal away from him like the stain of breath upon a window.
Tomorrow, Remus would come inside Harry, feel the boy writhe and moan underneath him... and finally come home.