InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Yes, I loved him..."

icon_uk (icon_uk) wrote in scans_daily,
@ 2009-07-20 20:22:00

Entry tags:

char: modom, char: quasar/wendell vaughn, creator: mark gruenwald, creator: mike manley

Hello, you have reached the AIM Technical Support Helpline, how may we help you
One of my favourite moments from the Gruenwald Quasar run (No, not the preview pic, the but under the cut)

No one could deny that Mark Gruenwald LOVED the Marvel Universe, his knowledge of it was BEYOND encyclopaedic and into the realms of unreal. He could name alien races who had made one appearance and also the issue they appeared in, who wrote it, who drew it, and quite possibly who delivered mail to the office that day. He could tell you the fate of just about any character you could name, and he could name a dozen more than you could... I mean YOU in the collective sense. He was a one man Marvel Wikipedia and he revelled in it.

But that's not to say he wasn't averse to updating things which had been... languishing. This is one of my favourite examples of this trend. (My absolute favourite of those was the foundation of the Serpent Society, a well thought out, logical and functional foundation for a supervillain team, but that's a post for another day)

To wit: AIM - Advanced Idea Mechanics, still best known for being.. "Those guys with the big guns in the beekeeper outfits". Stylish? No. Functional? No. Imposing? Hardly... so what are such a group to do?

It takes a wise man to realise he is on the wrong path, a brave man to do something about it!

AIM decide to embrace true evil and become supervillain tech support! It's brilliant! Simple and brilliant!

Supertechnologist evil meets the Nerd Herd!

And wait until you see their showroom model....

It's a trifle ironic that a mere twenty years later, the idea of a 10 thousand megabyte computer is um... 5 standard home PC's with dual-core 2Gig processors. Still, it's impressive enough in a human-ish brain I suppose.

Please note that someone in the next panel manages to make the beekeeper outfit look fairly attractive, simply by removing the beekeeper hood...

I love the wry comment about the Promotions Department! :)

Alas, since then AIM seem to have backslid, but I like to think that somewhere out in the MU, a 24 helpline is manned by polite, courteous (and deeply sarcastic) AIM technicians, just waiting until the warranty runs out on that batch of battlesuits the sold to HYDRA...

(Post a new comment)

	thandrak 2009-07-20 07:57 pm UTC (link)
	More of 10 terabytes of storage, or rather, twice what I have in my own PC at home. Says nothing about processor speed. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	icon_uk 2009-07-20 08:07 pm UTC (link)
	Fair point, I was assuming it processing power rather than storage. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	strangething 2009-07-22 04:18 am UTC (link)
	That would have been megahertz (or gigahertz), not megabytes. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	jarodrussell 2009-07-20 08:12 pm UTC (link)
	I with I had my Action Master Mainframe icon on IJ. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	icon_uk 2009-07-20 08:16 pm UTC (link)
	Considering Optimus Prime's core programming fit on a single floppy disc, that's actually relatively impressive no? (Reply to this) (Parent)

	khaosworks 2009-07-20 10:36 pm UTC (link)
	10 thousand megabytes, as in 10 billion bytes, as in 10 gigs, actually. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thandrak 2009-07-21 12:41 am UTC (link)
	Oops. I still have five terabytes. ... it's mostly empty. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	volksjager 2009-07-20 08:03 pm UTC (link)
	Seeing this just makes you wish Aztek would have lasted long enouh for Grant Morrison to do his "Super Villian convention" story. It needs to be told... (Reply to this) (Thread)

	icon_uk 2009-07-20 08:41 pm UTC (link)
	Have you read the Evil Inc webcomic? It's running that very concept this week (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	volksjager 2009-07-21 01:31 am UTC (link)
	I will check it out.Thanks (Reply to this) (Parent)

aaron_bourque
2009-07-21 01:08 am UTC (link)

a 24 helpline is manned by polite, courteous (and deeply sarcastic) AIM technicians

As someone who's worked tech support, I would love that job.

"Thank you for calling AIM, your advanced technologies solution! My name is Aaron, how may I help you today?"

"Yeah, got a plasma emitter here, but it don't work."

"I'm sorry to hear that, I'd be happy to help you out with that. Can I have your name, please?"

"It's Rammerhead."

"All right, Mr. Rammerhead, and on your plasma emitter, is there an AIM insignia? It would be on the top of the barrel, reading from handle to end?"

"Yeah, okay, I see it."

"And next to that it should have a model number, maybe below it?"

". . . uh, yeah. AIM, DPW219-1.X."

"Okay, so a 219, all right, give me one moment to pull up the schematics. Now, while I do that, can you describe to me what it is doing? Is it making a sound, or is there a light blinking?"

"No, I just pull the trigger and nothing happens!"

"All right, sir, I'm sorry, let's see what we can do about that. How long have you had this problem?"

"I never used it before today, and I was getting ready for a big showdown with the Crimson Whirlwind, and--"

"I apologize, sir, but please. Don't give us any specific information about your criminal plans, we can't be held liable for the success or failure of any such activities."

"Uh, sure. Okay. So I was getting it ready, and I tested it out, and it just didn't do anything!"

"Okay, so you've had it but never used it before, and as far as you know it's never worked. Okay, so nothing's really changed, it's just never been used before. All right, so. Can you check the power charge for me, please. It would be on the back of the handle. It slides out, you may have to press it in first, then slide it out . . ."

"Yeah, okay, I got it. It reads 100%."

"All right, so it's fully charged, that's not the problem. Go ahead and slide that back in, please. Now, this is going to sound strange. I want you to turn the emitter upside down, and hit it with the flat of your hand."

". . . . you kiddin' me?"

"I assure you, Mr. Rammerhead, no sir. You need to give one good whack, loud enough for me to hear it over the connection."

::WHACK::

"How's that?"

"Okay, sounds good. Go ahead and pull the trigger?"

". . . . nothin'."

"Okay, so it's not the phase alignment, that's all right, sir, that's good. Telling us what it's not is just as important as knowing what it is. Now, when you pull the trigger, do you hear a 'click'?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, so now I want you to eject the power cartridge, and wait about 5, 10 seconds, and then pop it back in."

"Eject the . . . ."

"There's a little slide on the side, it would be on the left hand side on the right-handed models. It should be right above the thumb rest?"

"Oh, okay, I got it."

"The cartridge will come out of the handle, just like the clip of a semi-auto pistol, but you'll have to slide it the rest of the way out. While it is out, please look at the connector. It'll be a small length of metal, about a quarter the size of a stamp? It should be all in one piece."

"Yeah."

"It's not fractured or bent or anything?"

"Naw, it's all fine."

"Okay, good. Go ahead and slide it back in, until it clicks into place, then try the trigger again?"

". . . nothing! Damn it!"

"I'm sorry, sir. But we have a couple of other things to try. Now the barrel, it should split off from the handle assembly, sort of like a breech loader."

". . . huh?"

"Like a shotgun? The back of the barrel? That's the breech."

"Oh, okay. All right, I got it."

"Okay, now do you have a flashlight? Well, a flashlight would be best, but any kind of light source?"

"Sure."

"Okay, I need you to align the breech with the light source, and then look at the wall or floor or whatever, whatever the light's shining through, there should be a circle, a bright circle?"

"Yeah . . . ."

"You don't sound sure, Mr. Rammerhead."

"Well, there's a circle, it's just . . . it's got two parts."

"Two semicircles, making up a whole circle?"

"Yeah, two of 'em."

"Okay, I'm sorry to hear it. It sounds like the focusing lens isn't working properly, and when that's out, it can't fire a plasma beam. We'll have to replace your whole unit, sir, unfortunately."

(Reply to this) (Thread)

aaron_bourque
2009-07-21 01:13 am UTC (link)

"What? How long will that take!?"

"We have two shipping options, sir. Standard shipping is 3-5 business days, and expedited shipping, that's airmail, and that's overnight, but it does cost more. Now, I see you are not under warrantee, Mr. Rammerhead. Our AWM--that's Advanced Warrantee Membership, is our warrantee, it's $11.99 a month, and that's completely voluntary, if you don't want to continue the warrantee, you do not have to. But the AWM comes with a number of benefits. For instance, free standard shipping in the continental U.S.--"

"Wait, free standard shipping? How much would it be normally?"

"For your unit, the DPW219-1.X? That would be a medium shipping size, so that's gonna be $14.99--"

"$14.99? You want me to pay 15 bucks to get this fixed, and I don't get it for three to five days!??!"

"That's without the warrantee. With the AWM, it's free shipping, inside the continental U.S., and you get expedited shipping free once per year. You also--"

"But I still wouldn't get it until tomorrow! I gotta have it today!"

"I apologize sir, but if you've never used our product until the time you have to use it, then it's not our fault if it fails to operate as expected."

"'As expected'?! It didn't 'operate' at all!!!"

"Yes, sir. And we've gone through the troubleshooting and identified the problem, and come to a resolution for you--"

"Mail a replacement!"

"Ship a replacement, yes sir."

". . . . can I get a technician out here?"

"Ah, give me one moment . . . . please, sir, just one moment . . . . all right, based on the address listed on your account, Mr. Rammerhead, there are no AIM technicians available until the 9th, at the earliest. If that's unacceptable, you can either give me an updated address, or I can go ahead and start processing the order to ship you a replacement."

"The 9th! That's NEXT MONTH! That's like 2 weeks from now!"

"Yes, sir, so it would certainly be swifter to ship you the replacement."

"Fine, ship me the replacement."

"All right sir, and would that be with the warrantee?"

"Hell no! You're not getting any more money outta me!"

"Well, without the warrantee, it would be at least $14.99--"

"I ain't paying!"

"Sir, I'm sorry, but all of our fees are clearly outlined in our contract when you sign up for our service--"

"I wasn't told!"

"It's in the paperwork, sir."

"I'd remember $14.99!"

"Well, it's in plain language, sir. It details the shipping rates, for instance, by size of unit . . ."

"Damn it! All right, I'll pay. Gimme the warrantee."

"Excellent, sir. Congratulations, you are now a member of our AWM! Membership can be canceled at any time with no extra charge, but, since we bill a month in advance, from today 'til the end of the billing cycle plus the next month's charge will be on your next bill. You now have free access to standard shipping, reduced cost technician visits, and completely free replacement of all AIM products, regardless of size (jumbo and extreme size had an additional repair fee, but that doesn't matter in your case, sir). AIM retains the right to limit member benefits and/or increase the membership fee. Do you understand everything I've advised you of today, sir?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"All right, with free shipping, you'll receive your replacement in 3-5 business days. You'll need to return the original to us within 10 days of getting your replacement--it'll come with a prepaid shipping label, just slap that on the shipping box and swap your plasma emitters, you'll be all set! AIM reserves the right to charge repair fees on all jumbo and extreme sized products, except for members of our AWM, which you are, so you won't have to worry about that. AIM reserves the right to charge the customer in the case of failure to return equipment, customer damage, or unusual damage to the equipment. All that means is if you don't return it, you'll be charged, but that can be reversed if you've just been late, and if you broke the focusing lenses, you'd be charged for them, or if it's something outside of the normal range of use for the AIM equipment. This is all listed in your AIM User's Guide, which came with the original equipment. Do you understand everything I've disclaimed to you sir?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	aaron_bourque 2009-07-21 01:14 am UTC (link)
	"Yeah, return it ASAP, don't be the one to damage it, 3-5 damn days." "All right, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" "No." "Very well, sir. Thank you calling AIM technical support, and have a good day." Aaron "The Mad Whitaker" Bourque; dumbass! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ashtoreth 2009-07-21 05:07 am UTC (link)
	::bows:: (Reply to this) (Parent)

	darklorelei 2009-07-21 08:12 am UTC (link)
	Bravo! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	icon_uk 2009-07-21 10:16 am UTC (link)
	You enjoyed that rather a lot, didn't you? I know I did! :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	goblinthebamf 2009-07-21 08:27 pm UTC (link)
	Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	thanekos 2009-07-21 03:05 am UTC (link)
	AIM, where a Master's degree is a requirement for employment. one hopes that doesn't extend to the janitorial staff, the aforementioned para-military force, and all the other non-SCIENCE! jobs. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	halloweenjack 2009-07-21 05:37 pm UTC (link)
	The janitors are all PhDs... in the humanities! Mwah ha ha ha! (On the other hand, the odds of their mutating into an evil genius or godlike being are surprisingly high. On the third hand, the odds of mutating into a pile of goop is even higher. On the fourth hand, there's the multiple hands option...) (Reply to this) (Parent)

	freeman333 2009-07-21 04:40 am UTC (link)
	Wait...accredited subversive, terrorist, or criminal group? Who the hell is accrediting these groups? Do they have to pass some kind of ISO-9000 audit for criminals, or what? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	psychop_rex 2009-07-21 05:42 am UTC (link)
	I think what he means is, if you've been acknowledged as a terrorist group by the media or have a rep in the business or something. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	icon_uk 2009-07-21 10:10 am UTC (link)
	When you're already working on the dark side, there are ways to check credentials I should imagine. Besides it HAD to be a supervillain who came up with the notion of ISO9000 in the first place. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	salamangkiero 2009-07-22 08:52 am UTC (link)
	I suspect that in the Marvelverse, being put on the UN-equivalent watchlist is a sign of "accreditation". After all, for a global body to pass a resolution on the status of a terror organization means that you've passed certain agreed-upon standards... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

icon_uk
2009-07-22 10:26 am UTC (link)

This is true, take this sample from the Society of Anarchists recent e-newletter.

"* Well done to Cell 431 for managing to raise $350 for the Adorable Kittens Shelter.. and spending it on hiring Napalminator to torch the place. By all accounts it was a roaring success, a REAL cat-astrophe!

* Big thumbs up to Cell 187 and Fearmaster, who managed to give the entire staff of their local County Hall a phobia towards post-it notes. Subtle but effective guys!

* And in other news, our leader King Chaos has asked us to pass on his personal congratulations to absolutely everyone for managing to get us put on the UN "Accredited Terrorist, Supervillain Organisation" watch-list. We've MADE IT! And it took us only two years. We know for a fact it took HYDRA four years, the Evil Empire are still struggling to maintain their accreditation, and AIM can't decide if they're coming or going.

In recognition of this magnificent achievement, all Cell members with a "If you fail me ONCE more underling" death sentence hanging over them are instead place on three months probation. Make the most of it guys!

* Cell 286 has a Bake Sale on Friday. All welcome."

(Reply to this) (Parent)

halloweenjack
2009-07-21 05:48 pm UTC (link)

The more scans I see of Gruenwald's work, the more I appreciate how underappreciated he was. This is a fairly sly take on corporate marketing culture and techniques applied to your standard-issue Evil Conspiracy.

Also, it's a little disturbing that MODAM is wearing lipstick, but at least she's got the telescoping arms so that she can take care of her own... ah, hygiene. (Don't look at me like that; she's already been Rule 34ed).

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	aaron_bourque 2009-07-21 10:03 pm UTC (link)
	That's nowhere near as horrifying as it could've been (Reply to this) (Parent)