Bucky Barnes (assignment) wrote in saveatlantisic, @ 2017-05-10 00:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, *hannah, *lena, bucky barnes, sharon carter |
Bucky Barnes & Sharon Carter
Mid April
Streets of Atlantis
Pizza and talking things out
Lowish - Complete |
In the days following the removal of the triggers in his mind, Bucky mostly kept a lot to himself as much as he could. There was a lot of reading, running, and training either by himself or with Steve since Steve was the one person he knew he wouldn't be able to avoid no matter how hard he might try. Then again, he was probably one of the only people who Bucky didn't want to avoid for some reason or another. As his oldest friend and someone who knew Bucky better than most anyone else, it was comforting to have him back here and remembering everything that happened back home. Now the teams were gone on their mission, Steve included, so he was back to mostly keeping to himself. There was his roommate who was pretty hard to avoid, but he and Ward weren't exactly best friends. They respected each other well enough, and Bucky didn't feel like he needed to choke hold him every time he laid eyes on the man who was the former HYDRA operative. That said, he wasn't necessarily looking to go out to dinners with the guy on a regular basis either. As part of his normal routine lately, Bucky was dressed in comfortable workout clothes with a light jacket. He left early enough to take a run towards the main command base to check in to see if there were any updates on the mission and to hear if anything significant had happened then finished his run by stopping by the training center. He'd been coming here with Steve off and on since he was cured, but today was on his own to try and take his mind off of a few things. As he was walking into the building, he saw a familiar face coming towards him. One that he hadn't been avoiding specifically but hadn't sought out like he might normally otherwise. Sharon had been someone he cared about a lot and considered to be one of his closest friends here. She was also one of the ones he'd physically hurt the most when he'd been triggered. He didn't blame himself exactly, but that didn't take the image of hurting her out of his mind. “Hey,” he said when they meet in the hallway. “Are you leaving or coming?” Sharon hadn’t been avoiding Bucky, exactly, but she had been healing from her injuries and spending some time in rehab to try and get cleared for active duty again sooner. Thanks to those bone growth pills from SHIELD, she’d finally shed the the splints on her arm and leg and most of her bruised had faded. The smile on her face was genuine when she encountered Bucky this morning. She hadn’t seen him in a while and they hadn’t had a chance to talk about what had happened. As far as she was concerned, they didn’t need to. She’d already forgiven him. “Hey!” she said back. “I was just thinking about an early dinner. Feel like joining me?” Her tone was casual, but she really hoped he would accept. Steve and Peggy were both gone on the mission and it seemed like her roommate had been pretty busy, himself, lately. She’d like the company and it would be a nice to have a chance to sit down and really talk to Bucky. She’d been worried about him after everything that had happened. The dinner invitation wasn’t something he expected, so it took him a little by surprise. Bucky smiled in return and knew that he didn’t have any good reason not to go to dinner. Besides, Sharon was good company, and he knew that he needed to get over his own issues with being around her or anyone else that he’d hurt in some way. “Sure. Dinner sounds like a plan.” Truth be told, Bucky was actually a little hungry. The run always helped to work up an appetite, and he hadn’t exactly been eating much more than what he could pick up quickly on the way home or could scrounge up quickly in the kitchen. Neither Bucky Barnes nor the Winter Soldier were known for their culinary skills. He turned and walked beside her out of the building. “Did you have anything specific in mind?” Dinner with Steve and Peggy before they’d gone off on another mission had been one thing, but Sharon thought sitting down one on one with Bucky would be nice. If he’d asked for space, she might not have pushed it, but she was glad when he agreed. Sharon had a handful of friends here in Atlantis and she counted him among them. “That diner by the base is usually my go to,” she admitted, “but now I’m thinking pizza sounds good. Stone has some interesting options.” “I haven’t had pizza in a good while,” Bucky nodded in agreement, so they turned a corner to start making their way towards the restaurant. He didn’t think it was far. As they walked, they fell into what felt like an awkward silence at least on Bucky’s end. There was an elephant in the room that he didn’t want to bring up but that had been on his mind since he’d managed to come back out of the Winter Soldier haze. Thankfully, the restaurant wasn’t very far, so they arrived and placed their order easily enough. It was after the waitress had brought their drinks and they were left to wait for the pizza that he felt that same awkwardness. If Sharon felt it, she didn’t act like it, but Bucky knew he was probably being paranoid. “How are you feeling?” He asked, slightly bringing up the subject but not directly. It was a simple enough question, but Sharon read more into it, knowing what must be running through his head and she studied him for a moment before she answered. “It wasn’t your fault you know,” she said. She wasn’t trying to sidestep what he’d asked her, but she didn’t think how she felt was the most important thing. She was more concerned with how he was feeling after everything. “I’m fine, Bucky,” she added a moment later. “You didn’t break anything that couldn’t be fixed.” The look she gave him was meant to suggest that she wasn’t just talking about the physical here. She wasn’t holding any of it against him. She was still his friend, if he wanted her to be. Bucky didn't look over at her when she said it hadn't been his fault. That he wasn't himself. It's what multiple people had already told him, and what Steve had tried to drill into his head after he'd first woken up as himself again. He didn't necessarily believe it was his fault exactly, but it was a lot more complicated than that. It was when she spoke again and he heard the second meaning behind her words that he turned to look at her. “It's always going to be a part of who I am. The triggers might be gone, but it I remember everything. I'm not the Winter Soldier but I'm also not Bucky Barnes. I haven't been him for a long time.” That man died the moment he fell from that train. Now he was some sort of hybrid of the two that he was still trying to figure out and understand. “I know you don't want an apology, but I need to give it to you anyway. I'm sorry, Sharon, but thank you for doing what you could to find me and keeping me from hurting anyone else.” This hadn't even been the first time he'd tried to kill Sharon, but this time was different. He knew her and considered her a close friend. Except for Steve now being here again, she was probably one of the closest that he had here. “I'm just thankful it wasn't worse than it already was. If I'd…,” he let his voice trail off and tried to brush off any remaining dark thoughts as the waitress came back with their pizza. “You didn’t,” Sharon said firmly, reaching for his hand to give it a quick squeeze. There was no sense thinking about ifs, especially when he was beating himself up over what might have happened. Sharon wasn’t Steve. She hadn’t known Bucky forever. She hadn’t even really known him for very long. She didn’t have all that history with him, but she still believed he was a good man. And as friends went, there weren’t many people in Atlantis she felt closer to. “I don’t know who you were then, but I know who you are now. That person is someone I care a lot about.” Bucky looked at her for a long moment as she spoke, basically telling him again that she didn’t hold what happened against him. If only it were that easy in his own head. He held most everything that happened in the past and present against himself. Maybe it would have been different if he felt far removed from those memories, but he didn’t see another man committing those acts - he saw himself fire the shot, make the hit, or whatever else it might have been on any given mission. It wasn’t one of those dreams people had where they were having an out of body experience while watching a version of themselves do something. He saw himself doing it. Still, though, he was working on accepting that he didn’t have to, and shouldn’t, carry everything that happened then or now. So, Bucky gave her a small smile and nodded. “Okay. I can’t say that I believe it wasn’t one hundred percent not somehow my fault yet, but I’m working on it.” He squeezed her hand in return. “So, Steve’s here, and he remembers everything,” he said in a complete change of subject after a short moment of silence while they ate their pizza. It was an obvious statement, and the words were said vaguely on purpose though he was certain she probably understood his meaning. He’d had the same conversation with Steve shortly after he’d showed back up here again. Sharon might have welcomed the change of subject if it had been anything else, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about Steve, so she just nodded at first. “He came to see me right after he came back,” she admitted, shrugging slightly. The situation was still complicated. Peggy was still here and Steve remembering whatever feelings he had for Sharon didn’t make things that much different. They’d mostly talked about Bucky, skirting around the subject of whatever relationship they wanted to have here. Sharon had a feeling that was a subject she and Steve both wanted to avoid for as long as possible. There were more important things to worry about here than their love lives, anyway, she told herself. “It was nice not having to explain everything to him, at least,” she admitted. She’d kept the secret of their kiss at home and their relationship in Breck from him before. He still didn’t remember being in Breckenridge with her, but at least he knew what she knew about their lives at home, even if it didn’t do much to change their relationship here. “It’s easier,” Bucky agreed. “It was hard explaining everything that happened back home to him before. I think it was one of those things where you had to be there.” He smiled a little, as if to try to make a light joke, but he knew that it fell a little flat. Saying that ‘a lot had happened’ was one of the biggest understatements of the year considering the last time that Steve had seen him, Bucky had nearly killed him on that helicarrier. He was watching her, trying to gauge any sort of reaction when talking about Steve, but Sharon wasn’t one to reveal her feelings easily unless she wanted someone to see them. Still, he knew there was more to the story, but he wasn’t going to push for answers. Not when he wasn’t always ready and willing to give them himself. “I’m just thankful that he’s here again.” And he was. The timing of his arrival was either perfect or horrible, Bucky hadn’t really been able to make up his mind about that yet. Sharon nodded. “Me, too.” She’d been happy to see Steve when he’d walked into her room and she was happy to not have to explain everything to him. She was happy for Bucky, too, that he got a Steve who remembered all that they’d been through together recently. They were all better for having Steve around, she thought. Bucky nodded again in agreement and went back to eating another piece of pizza. While he’d avoided running into her since getting himself back to normal, he was thankful that he’d run into her and had talked everything out even if it was just a matter of her telling him to stop blaming himself for things he couldn’t control. It was still going to take some time to really convince himself of it, but at least it was a start. For now, though, they had casual conversation and pizza, and that was enough |