august 1st (waking up from sleeping beauty & canon update)
BUFFY SUMMERS + FAITH LEHANE
PG13 | INCOMPLETE
SPOILERS FOR S1x12 THROUGH S2x14
"I'll just let it burn."
She awoke like a shot, sweating and with the sting of tears in her eyes. She remembered. She remembered everything and it felt like a punch to the gut. Running her hands back through her hair, she stopped abruptly at the realization that it was shorter than before, looking over at her hand as it ran out of hair to comb through. Buffy looked up and across the room at the mirror, fingers running through her hair once again. She was different. Everything was different now. Wincing, she put her wrist to her forehead as it pounded; sharp, piercing pain that felt like it was going through her brain, stabbing at the back of her eyes.
As the pain seemed to become more amplified in her head, certain memories flashed through again like a camera taking pictures in succession. She remembered his fangs digging into her skin, even remembered the darkness enveloping her. She remembered that first breath of air, immediately choking on the water her body had laid in. She remembered his shock at seeing her, their fight on the school's rooftop. "You have fruit punch mouth." She remembered watching his body crash through the skylight and land on the broken piece of wood, the sound of his scream as he slowly turned to nothing but bones and ash. Most importantly, she remembered that she won.
She remembered coming back to Sunnydale after a summer spent in Los Angeles with her father, treating her friends terribly, having not dealt with the trauma that had been her battle with the Master. Where he was buried had been dug up, his bones taken in an attempt to bring him back to his full glory. What was most important with this memory, however, was that she recalled smashing the ever-living hell out of those very bones.
Another series of memories, about him. About them. Her heart suddenly ached worse than her head, the tears that were threatening to spill out from her eyes now falling down her cheeks as she murmured his name, "Angel." She felt sick, her stomach lurching up into her throat. The good memories were so painful - painful because she knew now what the ending was. It was Sunnydale, after all - you didn't get a happily ever after on a hellmouth.
Squeezing her eyes shut, Buffy tried to keep the memory from coming. Tried to think of anything else; but it came barrelling in like a steam engine. "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop." Like her dream, it wasn't like watching a movie - she felt it; felt every urge, every desperate need. She had never wanted anything in her life more than him in that moment. Wrapping her arms around herself in some vain attempt to imitate his, more tears streamed down her face as she remembered the way he tasted, the way he touched her, the way he felt inside her. What should've been a blissful memory now felt like torture.
And there it was. The next flash.
"Angel! I love you."
"Love you, too. I'll call you."
It felt like her heart had been broken all over again, recalling it. It hurt so much that she could barely breathe, it completely took the breath from her lungs and made it impossible to get more in. She felt like she wanted to die and stay dead this time. Another flash. "The curse. If Angel achieved true happiness, even just a moment of...he would lose his soul." It was her fault. It was all her fault. Why didn't anyone tell her? She'd spoken with Fred about Angelus before and she never knew that she was the reason that he changed. Being with him was the reason that he lost his soul.
She wanted to be mad, she wanted to throw the fit to end all fits and demand every answer she ever wanted from those who were in the know more than she was; but the final flash came: a swift kick to the balls. "Give me time." Unable to take it anymore, she fell back into bed and rolled onto her side, curling up in the fetal position and finally just letting the sobs take over her being. Buffy hugged herself tighter, gasping for breath between choked out sobs. She didn't think anything could possibly hurt this much. She didn't want to remember anymore. "Take it back," she managed to get out through her tears before reaching over and grabbing Mr. Gordo, throwing it with all her strength at the mirror and somehow shattering it to pieces. "Take it back, Atlantis!"
She should've gone to Fred and demanded answers. She wanted to go to Cappie and drink these memories away. Instead, she simply curled back up in bed, hands sliding under her pillow to grip it tightly. And she cried.
"So, what'd you do for your birthday? Did you have fun?"