Sam didn’t feel dammed up. It wasn’t as though her emotions were hidden behind a wall, waiting to escape. She wasn’t frustrated by it, even on a deep level. Those were all options, of course, and this Atlantis magic could’ve translated her experience any number of ways.
The truth was that Sam felt nothing at all. It wasn’t a melancholy numbness, because both were feelings and she didn’t have those. Her mind was analytical, focusing on facts. She knew, logically, that there were things she should say and do (like apologizing to Thor even though she didn’t really feel the emotion of guilt). There was nothing behind those words, though. Sam, more or less, wasn’t really… there.
“You really don’t have to stay with me tonight,” she said, her voice calm and even, and unsettling because of that fact. It was nearly midnight, and she knew enough to know that Kady had plenty of reason to go home. “It’s kind of you, but unnecessary.”
Kady did feel a bunch of things, but that wasn’t unusual. She was worried, maybe a little more than it was usual now that she knew this place was as much of a curse as it was a blessing, but that was okay. Everything else she felt, she could compartmentalize and assess, or was starting to be able to at any rate. It helped to keep from drowning and had proved to be the most useful therapy technique so far today.
“Yeah, I don’t. But I’m gonna.” Kady replied, shrugging. It was a better reason to stay up (because she might not go to sleep) than most others she usually came up with. It was weird as hell to have Sam talk with no intonation, no will behind it. She was usually even-keeled, and Kady knew that, but this was different. “You don’t have your dog here or anything.”
“It’s better that way. He’s trained to take note of my emotions, and I don’t currently have any. He was very confused this morning, and the whining was very constant. It’s best that he stays with Astrid, who is full of emotion because she’s been near me. It’s good that she’s gone home to take a break now,” she said, still very robotic.
She wasn’t sure how long this all would last, but she knew that Atlantis had a thing for temporary chaos. She assumed it’d end soon, especially with there being only moments before midnight.
“I don’t know what will happen when it ends.”
“I guess he was worried about you being here but him not getting anything from you.” Kady concluded, shrugging. No disagreement from her when it came to Astrid, so Kady only nodded. It was good she and the dog were keeping each other company. She was sure when Sam could actually feel again she would feel terrible about all this, which was partly why she wanted to be here.
Kady looked over at Sam and smiled, patting her on the thigh. “Whatever does, I’ll be here.”
Sam was considering the options when the clock struck midnight, and then she was unable to think of anything coherent at all. It was the equivalent of being hit by a truck, in truth. She jolted, a strangled gasp escaping her as she reached for and grasped onto her mother’s arm. She was hit, first, by her own emotions returning, the usual anxieties and desires hitting her along with a heap of guilt and concern for those around her that’d been building all day. The secondary rush came from outside, her walls down and her mind vulnerable to it. All of her nerve endings were briefly electrified, and she sobbed openly against Kady as it all flooded in.
It took a few moments for her to put up her mental barriers, which isolated her emotions from everyone else’s, and moments more before the flood began to settle, the tension in her body beginning to abate.
“I am so sorry,” she said finally, pulling her head up to look at her mother. “That… was the worst.”
Midnight came before Kady could really notice it, and the only sign she got was Sam’s gasp that startled her into attention. She put her hand over Sam’s and squeezed.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, I got you,” she soothed, eyes wide as she watched Sam getting “back to normal” in the least normal way possible. The moment that first sob escaped Sam Kady had her arms around her, fingers buried in Sam’s hair as she both held her tight and massaged her scalp gently. Kady stayed quiet; there wasn’t much to be said and all that Sam needed was someone to hold, probably, so she was fine being just that. She laid her chin over Sam’s head after a moment and continued squeezing, only stopping once Sam herself pulled away. Kady couldn’t begin to imagine what it had been like for her just now.
“Oh, Sammy. Don’t apologize, okay? Being here for you when you need is the least I can do.” She pushed Sam’s hair off her face. “You feel better? Do you need some water?”
Sam had never been the type to shy away from physical affection, but she didn’t hesitate to cling to her mother as she moved through the waves of emotions that hit all at once. Without Buck there or Astrid, her usual grounding sources these days, she was very glad to have Kady there instead. After all, her parents had been her first sources of stability.
She breathed heavily, catching her breath as her mind started to settle. “I feel like I’ve been run over and wrung out. Water would be wonderful, there’s a bottle just there,” she answered honestly, wiping at tears with the back of her hand. A headache was forming rapidly too, but that was unsurprising. “You aren’t still feeling things on my behalf, right? Midnight fixed it completely?”
“Jesus…” Kady murmured, and smoothed her hands over Sam’s arms before reaching for the water bottle. In one gesture she settled back in place with her arms around Sam as best she could, and held out the water bottle. She took a second to assess herself in order to answer Sam’s question. The truth was that she was a little distraught after having seen Sam cry like that, whatever the reason behind it. But it wasn’t worth worrying her just for honesty’s sake. “N-no, I’m fine. I’m just a little worried on your behalf, this must be really hard. Was this like one of those releases you told us about before?”
She accepted the bottle gratefully, taking long sips of it. She could truthfully feel some of what her mother was feeling anyway, but it was hard to differentiate between her own flood and what made its way through her mental barriers at the moment. “I’ll be alright, I promise. Once this all settles out, I’ll be back to normal,” she said. “Worse than, but similar enough. Those are usually the process of me letting out what I hold onto, whereas this was getting it all back at once.” She shook her head. “This was rough.”
She gave her mom a curious look at that point. “I don’t mean to change the subject, but… are you blue?”
It was a little weird to want to hold Sam close even after she’d said she was okay; Kady wasn’t a big toucher, and up until now she had only wanted to touch, hug or be hugged by Penny. But apparently not anymore. She really shouldn’t be so surprised by this development. “God. You must be exhausted. You should get some sleep-”
Kady stopped talking upon noticing Sam’s look, after which came the even more shocking question. “What?” She pulled up her hand to look at it. It was blue. “What the fuck?!”
Sam was happy to be held, truthfully -- her parents may not have been touchers, but she very much was. It was the sensitivity, maybe another of those ironic parts of being their kid. “I am, but my mind is also racing. Gotta calm it down a little first.”
Her brow furrowed at Kady’s surprise and the coloring, reaching to take her mom’s hand to look at it more closely, rubbing at it with her thumb to see if the pigment would wipe away. “Atlantis is so weird.”
“Maybe I could make us some tea to relax you? And you could take a bath or something.” Kady suggested, shrugging with the confidence of someone who had no idea what she was doing because she was very new to healthy coping mechanisms. “Put on a stupid movie to take your mind off of it slowly?”
Being blue wasn’t the weirdest thing to happen to her here by far, but Kady was still grimacing with disgust at the new trick Atlantis had pulled on her. “What the hell…” Rolling her eyes, Kady sighed. “Okay you know what, I’m not in the mood to deal with this right now. I’m blue, that’s the new thing, let’s take care of you.”
“All of the above sounds wonderful,” Sam responded, smiling. They were great suggestions, so maternal, and she was so proud in spite of being so tired. “Alright, one thing at a time. We can figure out the blue tomorrow.”