Being vulnerable wasn’t something that came naturally to Remus. He pushed people away and he kept his thoughts and his feelings to himself -- especially his feelings. He’d shoved his feelings about Sirius so far down that he’d started to convince himself that he was over it. He’d shoved his feelings for Julia so far down that it took him weeks to even ask her out in the first place.
He was a mess. A complete, utter mess who didn’t deserve either of them.
Running from all of his problems hadn’t helped before, though, and Remus didn’t know how much time any of them would have in Atlantis, so he knew that he and Sirius needed to talk. He wasn’t willing to let the things they’d said get in the way of their friendship here, so whatever was going on -- they had to get it out there. He had questions, and he wanted answers. And after that -- well, Remus had no idea what they would do after that. He had no idea what he wanted, not really. He never had.
(That wasn’t entirely true; he had imagined a dozen different possibilities, but none of them had ever seemed realistic.)
He could be brave. He was a Gryffindor, after all. He was a Marauder and he was a member of the Order of the Phoenix. If he could face down Death Eaters, he could talk to his best friend.
“I got you another record,” he explained when they were finally in Sirius’s bedroom, offering up the record like it hadn’t already been obvious. This one was Arcade Fire’s first album, not that he knew much about their others at all, but he’d thought it was interesting. “Just -- because.”
Sirius had managed to convince himself that the entire conversation with Remus had been a one-off. It had been a mistake to speak so boldly, even if extraneous circumstances had been involved. He couldn't entirely blame extraneous circumstances, either. He knew that he'd harbored feelings for Remus for awhile, feelings that he didn't hope to be reciprocated under the best circumstances. Knowing that Remus had a wife and something else besides (Sirius couldn't exactly figure what was going on between Remus and Julia) made this far from the best circumstances.
It didn't help matters that Sirius was far less cautious than Remus. Even with his nerves on edge, as they were now, he knew that he was liable to stick his foot in his mouth. It was easier to focus on the music that Remus had brought. He'd never heard of Arcade Fire, not that that was saying much. Sirius was missing a good thirty years or so of pop culture.
"Do you want to put it on?" He gestured to the record player on the bedside table. The only other furniture in the room, aside from the bed, was a rather worn out looking chair that was currently serving as a shelf for his growing collection of records. As friends, it hadn't seemed to matter much that Sirius didn't have actual furniture. A part of him knew that he was being stupid, but another part of him didn't exactly want to sit with Remus after he'd essentially propositioned him. "Are they any good? I've never heard of 'em."
“Oh, they’re… this one’s from 2004. I thought you should have something besides all the stuff we used to listen to.” Remus was still behind himself - there was no way he could catch up on decades of culture - but he was still trying. But between these albums and Julia’s movie nights, he’d be rather well set, he thought.
“We don’t have to put it on,” he added. “I mean, if you want.” He shrugged, feeling awkward and helpless. How was he supposed to talk to Sirius about this? He didn’t know how to talk about this with anyone. They’d obviously bottled their thoughts up tight enough that not even they knew about it. Opening it up now was terrifying. “I wanted to talk. About, um. The other day.”
"Oh, alright, I'll...give it a listen later." Sirius didn't know what to do with all of the nervous energy inside of him. He didn't usually get this way around other people, except when those other people were….well, Remus. Taking the record from Remus, he stacked it on top of the pile of his other records, and then carefully shoved the pile to the floor. "Did you want to sit? Or, um, tea? James's mum -"
Sirius took a breath. They'd been friends forever, and here he was rambling on like an idiot. All over a stupid incident at the base. "Well, tea's good for the spirit is all." He collapsed into the now empty chair and gestured to his bed. "Sit?"
He probably should sit, Remus thought, because standing there helplessly would’ve made him feel more weird than he already did. He nodded and then perched on the edge of the bed. He didn’t dare get more comfortable, even though he always had been. That level of comfort with each other was on a razor’s edge now, and Remus didn’t know how to fix it.
“How - how long?” he started, watching Sirius carefully. “Have you - have you -” Fancied me? Was that the right term? “I didn’t realise you thought about me like that. I never would’ve - I feel like such an arse for everything. I had no idea.” And there he was, going around with a future wife and a maybe girlfriend and snogging Sirius on his birthday and then doing the same with another handful of people. Remus felt like an enormously terrible person. “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you.”
"I - I dunno how to answer that," said Sirius, matching Remus's gaze. "It's just a thing that's...there." He didn't want to say it had always been there because that wasn't true exactly. But nor was it true, entirely, that this thing had started in Atlantis. "Honestly, I should be the one to apologize, for saying what I did. I didn't mean to put you off. I know - I know it's complicated. You've got the wife, and the girl --" Sirius didn't know exactly what to call Julia, so he decided to skip that for now. "Well, I was the arse, and if I could blame the pheromone-inducing little monsters for my own idiocy, I would…"
“No, no, that’s -” Remus shook his head. It was quite the opposite, in fact. For the first time in years, Remus felt like there was a sliver of hope. “You didn’t put me off. And I don’t even know Dora like that.” As for Julia - well, he didn’t know what to do with that. She was important, too. He didn’t want to give her up.
It was better to be honest, he thought. Even if it was complicated and messy, because their lives already were both of those things. He’d lost so much time by not being honest. What sort of life could they have had? “Sirius, nothing you could do would put me off, really. You’ve always been — like the sun. My whole world was dark without you. I don’t think I realised properly until it was too late. I didn’t think we could...”
"I didn't think you'd want to…" Sirius looked at his best friend. He felt nervous, uncertain, and faintly hopeful. He didn't believe that this could end well for him, but he could at least match honesty for honesty. "Remus, what I said is true. Stupid, but true. You're fit. You distract me in ways I didn't know were possible. And -" He swallowed his fear. "You're my best friend. You mean more to me than anyone else -- James excluded, and even if I can't compare you to the sun, the moon, the stars… I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I don't know what to do with...with any of this."
There’d been a time when Remus would have said that he didn’t know what he would have done if he’d lost Sirius, too, but he knew exactly what the answer was now. He didn’t like it. His life had been lonely and empty, and it wasn’t one he was eager to return to. There was a spark in his life that had gone out the night he’d lost all his friends.
He clasped his hands tightly in his lap, not trusting what he might do otherwise. “I don’t know what to do either,” he admitted quietly, averting his gaze so he wouldn’t have to look at Sirius anymore. He didn’t deserve both of them. “But I think a part of me is always going to be yours. So.” He cleared his throat. “There’s that.”
"Remus -" Sirius didn't know what to say. He knew he was openly staring at his best friend, knew that he needed to respond. But his brain had got stuck on Remus being his. Partly his, but still. He pressed his fingernails into his palms, willing himself to think, to think and not move. He didn't trust what he'd do if he did move, if they had been sitting (as they usually did) much closer together.
"Remus. Moony, Moons… I - I just want you to be happy. Even if that means I can't be yours, that I can't be with you...that I can't have all of these, these things in my head. You don't know how much you deserve everything."
“But what about you?” Remus asked, looking stricken as he glanced up again. The last thing he wanted was for Sirius to suffer through anything. Sirius deserved to have someone who wasn’t torn between two paths. So did Julia, for that matter. How was he supposed to work it out?
“What about what makes you happy, Sirius?”
Sirius shook his head. "I'll worry about me. You figure out you. But -" He hesitated, recalling an earlier conversation with Julia. He had argued that Remus knowing his feelings wouldn't make a difference. Maybe it hadn't made a difference, not really. Or had it? "I don't think it has to be one or the other. Sometimes - sometimes, you can belong to more than one person. You can love more than one person, and it doesn't lessen your feelings for either. They're just -- different."
Was that true? Remus wondered. He’d always known that there would never be anyone like Sirius Black again, and that the friendship they’d cultivated over the years at school could never be replicated. He’d known that it was possible he would find company again, well before he and Julia went on their first date, but he’d assumed it would be something shallow, something less meaningful. Instead, he’d found a kindred spirit. And now he had Sirius back, too. Was it possible? And what would Julia say?
“It’s not that simple,” Remus pointed out, “you worrying about you and me figuring me out. It’s never been that simple, not with us. I’m always going to worry about you more than about myself. I can’t just shut that off.”
"I know. We'll figure it out together. Like we always do." He knew that wasn't entirely true. He knew some things could not be fixed. But this? This seemed more manageable now that he knew where he stood (sort of).
“Like we always do.” Somehow, that seemed hopeful. Remus wanted to believe it. He wanted it so badly.
So he pushed himself off the bed and stepped over to Sirius. A part of him wanted to reach out and thread his fingers through Sirius’s hair like he’d imagined the other day, but instead, he reached down for his best friend’s hand. “You really mean all of this,” he said, and he sounded just as amazed as he did when he first realised what Sirius meant. “I always thought I was just confused because I wasn’t good at making friends, so I got everything all mixed up.”
Sirius took Remus's hand into his, threading their fingers together. It felt good to be this close, right somehow. "I do. All of it," he said softly, looking up at Remus. "And you've got us. Me, Julia, James… for someone who claims he isn't good at making friends, you've got the best of the lot."
Already, Remus felt his heart skipping a beat. It was so similar -- and yet so different. He brushed his thumb across Sirius’s hand. “I’m sorry I’m always such a mess,” he murmured, embarrassed. He’d been at the center of so much strife and confusion -- but not anymore. He’d figure this out, once and for all. With Sirius and James behind him, Remus felt like he could do anything, which was something he hadn’t felt in a while. “I’ll talk to her. Soon. I promise. And then we’ll...” He exhaled heavily. There were a lot of things he wanted to do right then, but they had to figure some things out, first. “We’ll be okay.”
Sirius felt his breath catch. He was used to Remus being this close, and yet - this was different. He averted his gaze, worried that if Remus kept standing there that he might do something very, very stupid. They had made progress, and he wasn't about to let his own impulsiveness get in the way.
"We were never not okay," he said. "But if you keep talking, I am going to kiss you, and I'm not sure that is fair right now."
Remus laughed. “You’re ridiculous,” he said, but his voice was all warmth and fondness. “I’ll shut up now. Merlin forbid you do something as terrible as that.”
"Merlin knows," said Sirius, lightly, "it wouldn't be that terrible." He offered a slight smile. "I have it on good authority. But - maybe I could give snogging Merlin a go? That'd be a novelty…"
“Tell you what.” Remus couldn’t help smiling back, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he tried not to laugh. “If he ever shows up here, I’ll gladly help arrange that. I won’t even be jealous.” He tugged on Sirius’s hand once, trying to get him to stand up, and then he let go. He had to put some distance in between them or he was sure he’d fall down the same hole Sirius thought he’d fall into, and this deserved far more thought and sensitivity than that. “C’mon, Pads. Let’s put the record on.”