Jeremy James (jeremyjames) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-11-12 03:04:00 |
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Entry tags: | day eight, jeremy, jeremy and kasper, kasper |
Explanation of Misunderstandings
Characters: Jeremy and Kasper
Setting: Kasper’s room, after lunch
Jeremy was in a good mood as he started towards Kasper’s room. He’d liked Mazie, pleased that he’d been given a reason to meet with her. Plus that done, he had the rest of the day to doing what he wanted, which meant his meeting with Kasper. As for what might happen, that was interesting, but he wasn’t ruling anything out just yet. She was too interesting and he assumed that if he started guessing? He’d be wrong.
So with the fedora pulled down a little lower, casting a shadow over his eyes, he knocked on her door, smile in place.
After a rather upsetting meeting with Charlie, Kasper had skipped not only breakfast but now lunch. She hardly noticed, a frustration pumping adrenaline through her blood. Having headed back to her hole in the wall, she found herself rather calm, all things considered. It was a little unusual, and she had a bit of a problem accepting the fact she wasn’t out of her mind over it.
Sitting on her bed, she listened to just the silence around her, hand holding the only picture she had of her departed son. A sense of reasoning engulfed her, and she found herself rather surprised at the knock at the door. The better part of the day she had spent expecting company, but with all the distractions she’d had in the last little while, it was easy to forget.
Taking a moment, Kasper stared at the door. She was silent and a little stuck. Taking a sharp breath, she quickly called out, hoping her silence didn’t leave her visitor, presumably Jeremy, assuming no one was in her room. “It’s open,” she said, a little turn of her stomach following. That in itself was unusual too.
That she didn’t answer at first was a little surprising, but maybe he’d caught her unawares. When she did call out he tested the handle first, an old habit, then finding it unlocked he pushed it open. “Hey,” he said, lingering in the doorway a little. “This still a good time?”
Kasper couldn’t help herself from grinning. “Anytime’s a good time for you,” she replied, placing the picture on her dresser as he came in. “Don’t you get tired of suits, Suit?” Somehow, she rather liked that he stuck to his thing. If suits were actually his thing. No one would change her thing, that was for sure. Whatever it was.
The grin helped, giving Jeremy space to let himself into the room more, closing the door behind him. “No. Though they didn’t give me much in the way of variety as far as clothes are concerned. More suits than casual clothes.” He smiled himself, sitting on her couch.
Giving a light laugh, she scooted over on her bed to get closer to the couch. “Damn and I thought my clothes were too fancy. Not used to a lot of new stuff, ya know?” She shied away momentarily, her face turning downwards. More than anything, she wanted another good drag of a fresh cigarette, but now was not the time. “So what was it that brought you to my humble abode, Jeremy?” she asked, returning her gaze towards him. It wasn’t often she willingly used someone’s actual name after branding them with her own personal nickname.
He tilted his head taking her in, clothes and all. “Glad they gave you something then. Seems like something you’d deserve.” Jeremy felt like she was someone who could do with more, maybe even someone with faith in her. “You invited me I think. You were going to tell me a story.”
Kasper scoffed gently, “Yeah, right,” she responded, her smile widening. Ah but then he was entirely right about her inviting him. It seemed her head was just backwards between the different feelings she’d been going through all day. The medication and bullshit was just not mixing well. Or maybe it was, considering she was still pretty level with herself.
“It’s kinda funny you wanna hear about my misunderstanding,” she relayed, “I’ve got a lot of them.” Her smile turned into something a little less happy and more awkward.
Jeremy gave her a little look. “Do you doubt me?” he asked, not surprised by that, but the was willing to ask. Rubbing the back of his neck he shrugged. “Why? Has no one else asked before?” That was always a possibility but he found her curious, and Jeremy was nothing if not interested in people.
Shaking her head gently first, Kasper stood. She let out a deep breath of air before walking over to where she had placed the photo of her son and picked it back up. A small tremble momentarily covered her, but she forced it back in check. “I don’t think people really want to know,” she said, turning around and making towards the couch. She stood in front of him, hesitating for a second and then offered out the photograph to him. “This is my son,” she informed, “I guess that’s where the misunderstanding always starts.”
He sat up more as she moved, watching her shake, curious just how bad it was. How deep whatever she wa feeling was. Taking the offered picture, he studied it, little boy who looked like his mother. “What happened Kasper?”
She plopped down next to him at the question, remembering with disdain the morning she found his body. Her own screams echoed in the back of her mind. “I always had this anger problem, ya know? Since I was a little girl,” she began, eyes looking forward at nothing in particular but her own thoughts, “Damn, my momma and I were like two pissed off cats. So I left when I was a kid. It was when I first found the streets.” She hated having to talk about it, she hated it more than anything, but this very instance was different. She wanted someone to know it all. “Heroin’s a rough bitch. Eventually I wound up pregnant and got myself clean. Took care of myself, took care of him, had my medications. Everything was perfect, like a dream. A really wacky kind of dream, I can’t say shit was ever normal but it was a beautiful dream to me.”
Kasper leaned forward, placing her elbows on both knees as they spread. She rubbed the bridge of her nose with a thumb and finger of her good hand. “He killed himself when he was thirteen. Turns out he was gay and never told me. Kids bullied the shit out of him and he...” her voice cracked a bit. She wanted to get up and scream more than anything. “He just couldn’t tell me.” Her eyes watered for the first time in years.
It was a heavier than he’d expected, terrible things that should have happened. He remembered rough times, had seen other struggle with the things her son had struggled with. “What was his name?” he asked, looking at the photo again, holding it out to her. “He might have been worried you’d be disappointed. That you wouldn’t understand. At thirteen it’s hard to understand unconditional love.”
Leaning back with a big intake of air to combat the tears, Kasper took back the photograph, looking at it fondly. “Jamie,” she replied, “My best friend Terry, he gave it to him.”
Thinking about what he said troubled her. Her voice became shaky and she nearly jumped out of her seat but instead she simply remained still. “I’ll never understand it. He was so smart. He knew I loved him, and he wrote it all to me when he died. I’ve been so...” she really wasn’t expecting to get this deep into things. Turning her head, she placed the bandaged hand over her face. “I’ve been so lost,” she admitted, beginning to unexpectedly cry a little, “I’ve been so lost and I don’t know what to do about it. I would’ve killed each of those little bitches for what they did to him and every time someone gets in my face it’s all I can see.”
She removed the hand, wiping her face at the same time. “Stupid twat got in my way the other day, that’s how I wound up with this. It can't be like that no more. Cop got in my way once too, and that’s why I’m here. So the doc is giving me medication again but it’ll never take away this hole inside of me... he was my level headed mini me.”
“The name? How did that work?” Jeremy asked, wanting to balance out the truth with something else, something slightly less likely to send her under. As she spoke though he reached for her good hand, holding the fingers gently. “I don’t think anyone understands that. I know I wouldn’t.” He looked at her hand in his, studying the fine bones there. “I also doubt that hole goes away. It just gets smaller probably.” He wasn’t the best to give advice on this, he had no experience, but he was good at listening, as always.
The fact he took her hand distracted her briefly. Her stomach flipped once more and gathering her thoughts back together, she felt a sense of greater calm take her over. No none was ever that gentle with her without a doctorate. “Terry’s younger brother had passed away a few years before. I always liked that name anyhow. The two of us got in a lot of trouble back then. Damn he was a cool guy. Always wonder what he’s up to now,” she explained, going off into a little more fonder of details.
She sighed, forcing a bit of a smile. “The less I deal with what happened, the more that hole just feels like it’s getting fuckin’ bigger,” she said calmly, “I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.”
“Sounds like you’re supposed to deal. Think of what Jamie would have wanted for you?” Jeremy offered, still holding her hand, though he flipped it over to look at her palm, tracing the lines there.
Her eyes fixed on their hands, watching him as he touched her palm. “He wrote me a letter, told me he wanted me to move on and be happy. The fucked up part is he said that the world wasn’t made for either of us, but that I’m much stronger to be able to face it. That I’m more powerful than he ever could be. It just burns all the time.” She felt a little nervous now that her arm was facing forearm up. She had a lot of tales in the marks on her arm. Somehow she felt a little ashamed and unsure of what he would think of them all. There were very few times she ever gave two shits about what someone thought of her. She almost couldn’t wrap her head around it.
“Sounds like a wise young man,” Jeremy said with a nod. He knew the tracks were there, but the didn’t focus on them. He let his focus stay on her palm and when it wasn’t there, it was on her eyes. “He might be right. That you find something else, even if it’s just to make him proud.”
“I wouldn’t have to feel like I’m always failing him anymore,” Kasper added to his suggestion. She felt his eyes watcher and unable to stay away, she turned her eyes to his. “Why are you here right now?” There was a little part of her that just couldn’t understand the very reasoning by it all. She barely had a friend here and through her time on this earth, she couldn’t even remember a time she’d felt like someone wasn’t after her for something. It was almost bizarre.
“No you wouldn’t. Though I feel like just surviving would be enough, but it wouldn’t hurt to find something that made you happy yes?” Jeremy guided gently, wondering what would make her happy. He guessed it was something complicated, but he wasn’t one to judge. “You asked remember?” he said, smiling gently.
Kasper laughed softly. “I guess so,” she said, “Most times I ask for things that aren’t that great for me.” Which was entirely true. “But maybe it might make me happy if you were around more,” she admitted, swallowing a bit hard. “If you think you could keep up a little.” She grinned once again, feeling a small weight lift from her shoulders.
“So now I’m bad for you?” There was a slight tease there, nothing condescending, just to get more of that smile out of her. It seemed to help, despite what she was feeling. “I could probably do that, be around a little more. Though if I don’t keep up, you shouldn’t give up on me.” He was glad she didn’t press the issue more though, because admitting that he found her curious and useful might not go over well. In a way his heart went out to her, a mother who tried, but Jeremy tended to be more guarded than he ever let on.
She was rather glad he agreed to being around. It was a little step somewhere, though she wasn’t quite sure where. These things were beyond her understanding. “I’ll tell you what,” she said, turning slightly as she gripped onto the hand he had on her palm, “I’ll put in some damn effort and make sure you keep up and if ya don’t, I’ll just slow down a little.” Slowing down... that was a first. She was a firecracker perpetually lit, it might be a difficult task to put out the fuse but if she had to, she would definitely try. “But you gotta tell me a little something about yourself, I think it’s only fair.”
Her decision surprised him a little, but Jeremy nodded with it. “Alright. And I will do my best to keep up.” Though he had no idea what he was signing up for, and odds were she’d be a handful. Not that he was afraid of it, he just made a mental note to be ready for it. “What do you want to know?”
The question delighted her, spreading her grin into a wide smile that bared her teeth. “Oh darlin, the possibilities,” she replied first, making a small amused giggle, “You still feel rich and fancy?” It was a bit of an abstract question, but she made sure to follow up on it herself, “Tell me what sort of troubles you’ve been in.”
“I feel better now that I have my suits and hat back,” Jeremy said with a grin. “Quite the improvement over a jumpsuit.” The request was harder to answer, not without giving more than he wanted to. “Getting arrested and finding I’d been in the middle of a rather elaborate con was something.”
Kasper gave a little cheeky look at him. “Not stealing the savings of little old ladies though,” she said, drawing back on what they had discussed the first time they had met, “What of it?” Kasper wasn’t one to let things go. He’d have to learn the hard way.
“I didn’t steal anything,” Jeremy said shaking his head. “What of it? I thought things were going well, and I was good at what I did. Turns out I trusted the wrong people.” Which was actually entirely truthful, just not in the right context. “Found myself with nothing and no one. It’s very lonely at the defendant’s table.”
She scoffed, for once having found herself thankful for something that a lot of people didn’t have. “I had my mother there behind me at mine,” she said, shifting in her seat a little. “Life is lonely when you don’t have the right people with you. As fucked up as it was, I always had people I could count on. Shit we’d have each others back no matter what...” there was a small pause for her train of thought, “I’ll have your back from now on.” That last part came with a much softer tone, something she took note of and had mixed feelings on. She really meant it, but it would take time getting used to whatever it was she was truly feeling.
She’d hit on something he’d never give into, never really say out loud. He hadn’t lost everyone but even those who said he was innocent, that they believed him, they didn’t know him. Jeremy was also sure they just didn’t want to be so wrong about him. There was one person that had mattered and that person had been his biggest betrayer. “Lucky you. No wonder you’re so strong.” He squeezed her hand at the offer and nodded. “Will you now?”
She laughed again, entwining her fingers with his. “I’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit in my life,” she began, “Lots of things that can either make you learn to look out for only yourself or latch on to those who matter and take care of one another. It’s stronger, better, and damn is it fun. I’d walk through the fire for those people who had my back and they’d do the same.” Just as she had said to Charlie, not everything was black and white. She knew grey areas, and she knew them well. “Guess that’s what you get.”
He looked at their hands, thinking of it like a tether, a connection. Something he wasn’t used to, but something she was. He was used to nodding along. People had been attached to him before, but it didn’t stick. Though it was usually his doing, rarely was he blamed. “I hardly need you walking through fire.”
“Don’t underestimate what you might need someday,” she said with heed, “Life’s damn rough, and you should know that by now. When I fell apart after Jamie died, my friends were there. They had nothing and they never changed when I got a better life for myself. They carried his damn coffin and to me, they walked through the very fires of hell for me. You might need someone to walk along through your own fires and only then do you know when someone fuckin means it.” She spoke with a bit of wisdom, a unique moment for Kasper. As much as it pained her to talk about Jamie, it was invigorating to be reminded of those who stuck by her through it all, regardless of her choices and the path she took. They had carried more than just the coffin of her dead son, they carried her to life more than once.
It was touching, to hear the story. It was something he didn’t fully understand even if he played the part well enough. It echoed to something dark, something buried well and deep. A far too distant memory to be anything more that hazy. “And you want to do that? Sign yourself up for my fires?”
Laughing again, Kasper shot him a playful look. “Don’t worry, Kasper’s got your back,” she said, feeling much less burdened than she did before he had came. “You wanna know a big secret?” she asked immediately after.
“The friendly ghost,” he said with smirk that matched her look. “Sure.”
Leaning in, she came close with her lips to his but instead, she moved to his ear. “My real name’s Konnie,” she informed in a whisper. That was something no one else there had. If it weren’t for all that legal stuff, she was sure no one else would ever even know it.
He smiled more at the admission nodding a little before turning to look at her. “Can I call you that? I kind of like it.” It seemed to fit her, despite the fact that she seemed more attach to the nickname.
Staying close, she considered the question with great care. There was only one person who ever really stuck to calling her that, and it was her own mother. “Sure,” she decided, pulling that hand of his closer to her so he was at her waist. “But if anyone asks you why you call me that, you know nothing of it.” Which was all the more fun.
“Of course. Our secret,” Jeremy agreed, nodding with her, noticing the way she was moving his hand. He went with it, but stilled it there, giving her enough, but not everything. No need to rush into anything.
Leaning her elbow on the back of the couch, she followed it by leaning her head into the hand. “So what’s next?” she asked.
Jeremy settled back against the couch a little more. “I could spend some more time here. Then when I go we make a plan to see each other again.” It seemed fair enough and something for her to hold on to.
Kasper definitely liked the sound of that. She gave a rare at peace smile and then moved her head off her hand, poking her finger under that fedora of his to play with some little bits of hair. “So what you gonna take me on a date then?” she said jokingly. That’d be a first. Literally.
That got her a smile and he didn’t move away from his touch even if he did fix his hat, pushing it back more. “A date? Hmm.” He looked like he was thinking about it then shook his head. “No. That seems like it would cheapen this.” Because that wasn’t his angle. And the practical part of him knew that adding that into the mix could make things all the more difficult. “Way I see it? You’d be more than a conquest.”
Laughing at first, she thanked god for the first time in years that he didn’t take her seriously. That was something she just wasn’t willing to go through. Her playful expression turned though, taken back by his reasoning. She wasn’t quite sure how to make it, but she wasn’t in the least slighted. Bringing back her smile, she simply continued to finger through the hair, glad to have something that wasn’t shaking her world up in all the wrong ways. She hoped, anyway.