Switching Places
Who: Adam and Wren Setting: Wren’s room, late
Adam had planned on getting into bed. He’d brushed his teeth, checked his blood sugar and was nibbling on something to get his blood sugar up when he got an answer from Wren.
Wren didn’t sound like Wren in her messages and while maybe it wasn’t any of his business, he was in that mood. He wanted to take care of everyone who mattered to him, which meant Wren. Especially when she said she was useless. He knew exactly how that felt, and didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. Ever. After going back and forth a few times, sleep was abandoned--not that he was actually looking forward to it anyway--and he left his room, not bothering with doing more than pulling on his jeans and an undershirt. He looked different with just the fitted shirt, less thin, less wiry, but he didn’t notice it himself and wouldn’t have thought of it either.
What he was thinking about was her, all the way up until he was knocking on her door, not caring how late it was.
Wren wasn't asleep. She felt too sick to her stomach to sleep. So, she'd started packing instead, which took far less time than she would have imagined. She was just hoping that the administration would allow her to move, and if so she would be prepared to leave. When the knock came on her door she frowned, hesitating on answering. In the end, she looked out the window, and saw Adam out there. She was slightly relieved, and moved to open up the door, self conscious about the bruising on her face, the bandaids on her arm. "Hello." she said, head ducked down a touch.
“Hey,” Adam said, realizing that he didn’t actually have something to say once he made it to her door. It was valiant and all that, rushing to her side and then he was kind of at a loss. But the bandages he couldn’t miss, and when he ducked his own head to find her eyes, he spotted the bruises. “What the hell happened to you? Who hurt you?”
"Would you like to come in?" she asked, stepping back so he could enter. Her things were all piled neatly on the bed, and she was in her nightgown, a plain pale pink shift with thin straps that showed more of her extensive tattoos than usual. "I would rather discuss it in here." Or anywhere else, if he didn't want to come in.
Adam faltered in his steps, not sure what to do but eventually he nodded, letting himself into the room where she gave him space. She looked so different like that, her tattoos, he’d barely noticed before, the bruises, the scars, all of it was like seeing someone else. Seeing the bags packed he looked back at her, concern all over his face. “What’s going on Wren?”
“Make yourself at home.” She shut the door behind him, then went to light the candles she'd planned on lighting before he came there in the first place. They were placed in various places in the room, and in the end she shut the overhead light off, and sat down on the floor, her back up against the bed. "I have asked to be moved, I am hoping they allow me to." she said. "I wanted to be prepared." She was quiet for a moment. "What happened with this," she said, making a vague gesture at her face, "Was a woman named Kasper was going to throw things at those in the stocks, and I got in her way. It was not a well received response."
He couldn’t help the look he made at her request. How was he supposed to make himself at home? She barely looked like she belonged in this room, how was he supposed to? It wasn’t until she sat that he sat with her, sitting across from her on the floor, wanting to be able to see her face in the dim light. “I don’t see why they wouldn’t,” he said about her moving even if it bothered him a little. “Why do you want to go?”
Kasper. That was a name to remember for sure. Someone to keep an eye out for. “She shouldn’t have hurt you,” he said leaning forward slightly, one hand going towards her but not quite making it there. “Is that why you were so upset? Because just because someone hit you doesn’t mean you’re wrong. A lot of times it might even mean you’re right.”
Wren sat with her knees pulled up to her chest, arms loosely clasped around them. "I feel I do not belong here, nor am I welcome." she told him. "Which could be a very valid point of view, and I don't know anymore what is and what is not. People important to me do not like my point of view, nor do they find it valid. I suggested I stay away from things, and it was met with silence. Therefore, I am taking it to mean they were tactful enough not to agree out loud that that is what I should do, but instead were implying it due to not challenging the idea. There is a farm in the other block. I have asked to move there."
Her voice got very quiet, and she leaned closer, whispering. "Also, this room is next to Ryan's, and he was in my room. He claims he saw it was open, and he was concerned for my safety, however I do not believe him. I do not feel safe, and not because of Kasper."
Adam watched her, taking in her posture, her body language and after a moment he gave up on sitting across from her, moving to sit next to her instead. “They’re idiots. Just because you don’t agree with someone isn’t a reason to want them not around anymore, especially if it’s someone important to you.” Hadn’t Kyle done the same thing for him. He and Kyle were on completely different pages when it came to Leandro, but Kyle wasn’t holding it against Adam. Wren’s friends shouldn’t have done the same to her. “Which point of view did they not understand?”
What she said about Ryan sent cold shivers down Adam’s spine. He knew he was right. “I don’t trust him either. He was in Becka’s room. I’ve spent all day thinking about what would have happened if you’d been there.” There was a pause, just an instant before he was blurting out words again. “You can come stay with me if you want.”
"I walked away." Wren said, not wanting Adam to have the misconception that Leandro had cut things off. He just hadn't stopped her, and that was a whole different matter. "I expressed my views, and his opinions on them were...rather irreconcileable, in my estimation." she admitted. "As for what point of view they did not understand, I believe all of it. My motivations were to avoid violence in here, as we are not protected by having any guards around to stop it. I know how quickly things can turn ugly, and Ryan had made his decision on things and I thought it should be respected. But..." she shook her head.
She listened then to what he said about her being there, and she hadn't thought of that. Then he offered her a place to stay, and she smiled. "You really wouldn't mind?" she asked. She really didn't feel safe where she was, so, being somewhere else, and somewhere she imagined would be unexpected might be her best option until she could be moved.
“You shouldn’t have felt like you had to walk away,” Adam clarified. “And he shouldn’t have just let you. Who was it?” Maybe that would help, maybe that would make it make more sense. Adam was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “I understood why you did it. Someone had to do it. It’s not like we were getting anywhere, and...well I’m not sure I what would have happened if we hadn’t.”
Shaking his head, Adam’s smile echoed her. “Not at all. I know not feeling safe. I don’t want you to feel like that.” He touched her shoulder gently, trying to be reassuring.
"Leandro." Wren answered. She frowned, sighing as she looked down. "You know, I keep thinking about one thing. I asked him if he wanted to know what I thought. And...he didn't say he did. He answered 'you can talk to me', but that isn't a yes. He hesitated. I just...I keep coming back to that moment, and thinking to myself that it means something that he didn't really want to know. And not anything good." When Adam touched her shoulder, she leaned closer to him, taking the comfort. She still felt so out of sorts, out of touch, that she felt like she needed it.
“Yeah well that’s him isn’t it?” Adam scowled a little, brushing at her hair. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care much about anyone else unless it aligns with what he wants.” Which was something about the guy that freaked Adam out to his core. Sure, Kyle was vouching for him, but Adam wasn’t sold. Not when he just seemed interested in continuing to make Adam uncomfortable. “And no it’s not a yes. It’s more a...it’s more giving in because he knows he should. Doesn’t make it right.” For an instant he froze at her being closer, biting at his lip before slipping an arm around her shoulders, hoping that was the right thing to do.
Wren felt the urge to defend Leandro, say that she didn't think he was like that, but her feelings of being wrong about everything overrode it. She was sure she couldn't be trusted on anything, so she didn't say anything about it at all. Instead, she just settled against him, looking at a middle distance quietly. "And then there's Chester." she said. "Who...knew me back when I was at the commune, and just about everything I ever knew about him was a lie." she shared. "And he doesn't want me anywhere near decisions either."
Adam did his best to just be there, not something he was entirely sure he was good at, but she hadn’t jerked away yet, which was a good sign. “I don’t...I don’t know Chester.” When she told him the rest he closed his eyes, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. That’s...that’s more than wrong. And he’s wrong. He can’t tell you what to do.”
"His real name is Charlie. I didn't even know that." Wren said. "And I want to believe him, and I want to trust in him, but he obviously doesn't trust me. I said I was going to be moving to the other block, and stay out of any decisions, and he didn't say anything against the notion, so..." she trailed off. "I can read between the lines. And I think he was doing a lot of humoring me."
Charlie. He knew Charlie. He’d liked Charlie. Adam’s hurt hand ran over his hair as he tried to process that, tried to understand that. “Do you think you should stay out of decisions? Do you really think you were that off in what you did? Ignoring everything they said.”
"I think I don't know. I think that I feel like people very, very important to me both seem to share the opinion that I'm wrong, and maybe that's a sign." Wren told him honestly. "I think I believe in things no one else does. I think my whole life has been one warped view, and maybe that just means mine is eternally tilted incorrectly. I think after today, I don't trust me anymore. I’ve never felt so...so devoid of value."
Adam was quiet for a moment, rubbing her shoulder gently. “I think you make a lot of sense. I think you’re far from the only person who believes in the things you believe in, because they wouldn’t be there if people didn’t. I think...I think what you did made sense. And I think that when I was in a really bad place you stuck it out and helped me out. No one else was jumping at the chance.” He pulled her a little closer, turning his head to see her eyes. “I think if you feel strongly about it...then it matters. You aren’t hurting people with your beliefs, not as far as I know, which makes it okay.”
Wren looked at him, unsure what to think. She still felt like her whole world had been yanked out from beneath her feet, but it was nice to hear that Adam felt like she had helped him. She settled a little, getting comfortable as she considered what he said. "Aren't I crazy, thought?" she asked quietly. "Tarot, fate, runes...being a Prophet. Everyone else calls the commune a cult. Even Chester called it that. Isn't it all...stupid?"
Adam bit at the inside of his lip, then shook his head. “Tons of people believe in fate, and Tarot exists right? That’s got people who believe in it.” He sighed softly about the cult and tried to find the right words. “Even if that’s what it was...a cult. I think it’s different for someone who was in the middle of it. It might not have been right, they might have taken advantage of you, but you wouldn’t know right? And I get wanting to belong.”
Wren winced faintly. "Chester says it made me...'complicit' to my own abuse." she said, having trouble with the words. "As for belonging...I don't even know if it's that. And it has nothing to do with here. Here, I just...I don't want people bringing pain down upon themselves, when they don't have to. And I think Leandro, he...he's from a world where things are all sharp edges and dark shadows, and I think if violence broke out he would take no responsibility for it, nor shy from it in the slightest. But I don't think it has to be that way. And definitely not before it needs to be. But I don't know, I feel like people I trust are telling me I'm wrong, and I feel like I have no voice of any merit anymore, and...all I've ever done in my entire life is try to help people. What do I do if I no longer have a voice?" She sighed. “...I am sorry, Adam, I do not expect you to have an answer.”
What she said left him struggling, trying to find the right words. What she said about Leandro made him worry, reminding him far too much of Jeffrey, of a life that Adam remembered. Swallowing away his own concerns and issues, he focused on her. “You always have a voice. Sometimes the quietest one is the one that matters right? I doubt you were complicit in anything, not when you obviously can think for yourself.” He wasn’t sure he was helping, but somehow he found a smile. “Even if I don’t have the answers...I don’t think you’re wrong. I think you’re still worth plenty and I’m not going anywhere tonight, except back to my room so you feel safer.”
"I keep getting told I was abused. I think Chester may be right." Wren said, still having massive problems seeing her life like that, but she still trusted the outside perspective Chester may have had. "Being able to think for myself didn't mean I saw anything as wrong. It was all...duty. I had a specific function to perform, and I did." she said. She looked back to him and managed a weak smile in return. "Maybe no one is meant to have the answers. I still feel like I don't. That my right place is to go tend the farm. I can't ruin anything there. Perhaps it will be good for me." She paused, hesitating, then continued. "Did I really help you at all? And please be honest, I can take it if the answer is no. It will help me far more to hear the truth."
“What did they do to you?” he asked, curious what that meant. “How did they abuse you?” Adam wish he could fix it, say the right thing to make her feel better, but there was so much left that he wasn’t sure about. Pulling back enough he pushed at her hair a little nodding. “I think you should do what feels right. But if you move over there I’m still gonna come visit you.” His eyes fell from hers for a moment and he nodded. “Yeah. Yeah you did. You were the first person I actually tried to explain things to.”
"They say emotional and mental abuse. Some imply sexual as well. I don't know, honestly. I was cut off from the rest of the world. I arrived at the commune when I was six, but never did leave. Not until...everything else. Chester might be able to answer more clearly. Sometimes I have trouble really getting it all to add up." She smiled at his promise to visit her, even if her intention had been to isolate herself completely. She didn't ask him not to. It made her feel a little better that he would put in the effort. She was surprised, however, at his other statement. "I was?"
That hurt Adam to hear, that someone would hurt Wren like that. “Have you...talked to someone about what happened?” Maybe someone would be able to tell her what happened. “Yeah. I’d tried with Kyle and Becka, but I couldn’t get the words out right. You didn’t really give me an option one way or the other.”
"Not really. I went directly from the commune to prison." Wren told Adam. "I wouldn't know what to say, either." she added, since that was relevant. She watched him as he spoke. "I'm glad I was able to help." she told him. Then she exhaled, and pushed herself to her feet. "Maybe you can be my last good deed." she added, walking to her things. She reached out, and picked up the bag of runes she had. Walking back to him, she held them out.
“You just say what happened, what it was like. Maybe someone on the outside could explain it to you.” He stopped for a breath, then looked at her. “I could listen.” Not that he might be able to do that but if she wanted he might very well try. It was a moment before he scrambled to his feet after her, frowning when she said that. “I don’t want to be the last good deed,” he said, shaking his head. “You can do plenty.” His hand went to take the bag she held out, not sure what it was. “What...what’s this?”
"My runes." she told him. "Thank you for the offer of listening, but...I'm honest when I say I wouldn't know what to say. My life was my life. I know people tell me it was abuse, but I don't really know how. I wouldn't know where to start." she admitted. "But if I do need to talk, I will keep you in mind. You have been helping tonight." she told him genuinely. She felt a lot less alone, at any rate. It was a start.
“You’d just talk. There’s not a right thing to say,” Adam said, looking at the bag, unsure of what to do with it. “Why are you giving them to me?” She was starting to scare him, despite what she said about him helping.
Unsure if she would be able to put how she felt into words, Wren merely shrugged in answer. She knew it was insufficient, but it was all she had. "I would appreciate if you took them." she said instead.
Adam stared at the bag for a moment then reached for her hand. “You’re scaring me Wren.” Why would she give him something that was important to her if not because she was sure she wouldn’t need them anymore.
"I don't mean to. I apologize for it." Wren said, reaching out as well and taking his hand when he wanted it. She tried to come up with a way to put things. "...I feel I have lost faith. In...everything. In me. That's probably just a bag of rocks with letters of a dead language written on them. Nothing more."
He wasn’t good at things like this and it had him breathing a little heavier. He reached for her, pulling her a little closer to him. “I haven’t lost faith in you. But I’ll hold on to them for you until you found some more faith in you again. I used to collect rocks, though none of them had writing on them.” Or were as special as the ones in the bag in his hand.
Wren stepped closer. She wanted to apologize for being so intrusive with her 'help'. He said she had helped him, which was good. It was really the only thing that kept her from apologizing outright. But there was still a part of her that felt as if she should. "I hope this collection serves you well." she said, finding that to be the best thing she could say.
Adam made a noise that was close to a laugh but not quite humorous. “Well, I’ll take whatever help I can get.” He moved to watch her eyes, hating the bruising there, the bandaids on her arms. “Come on, come sleep in my room. Probably be good for me too.”
"Alright. Thank you." she said, nodding. She would do that, she'd feel a little better, not being in this room, and tomorrow hopefully she could leave, and start her new life over on the farm in the second block. Perhaps then the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach would ebb.