Going for It
Characters: Adam and Kyle Setting: Their rooms / via phone, late
It was late, the sun having long set, when Kyle sat down at his computer and brought up the call app there. He stared at it for a while, his heart hammering, his palms sweaty. He had no idea of what he was doing. He was terrified, and yet... He knew part of his problem was that he didn't trust his instincts. It was being governed by his instincts, his wants, and his emotions that had led him here in the first place. Now his instincts and emotions were all over the place, trying to drag him in two directions. He had no idea what to do, as though he was going to fuck up at every turn. But everything else was falling apart anyway, so he felt like maybe he couldn't make things worse now. Not when he had screwed it all up anyway. Maybe it would even make things better. That didn't stop him from being terrified about everything else surrounding it. He knew he could go round and round like this all night, so in the end, he simply pressed call. Adam wasn't sure when to expect the call, but after eating something for dinner he'd just gone back to his room, turning the music player on and laying on his bed to listen. The camera feed was still up, still on Kyle's room, but at the moment he wasn't watching it. Hearing the call come through he jump to answer, just barely turning down the music before connecting. "Hey!" There was no avoiding the smile in his voice, because no matter what, it was Kyle.
"Hi," Kyle said, trying not to sounds as nervous as he felt. Belatedly, he recalled the cameras, and fussed at the feeds until he landed on Adam's room again. He smiled a little when he saw the other man. "What you listening to?"
"You okay?" Adam asked, mostly casually but also certain something didn't sound quite right in Kyle's voice. Looking at the music player he made a face and shrugged. "Not sure. I sort of put it in a type of music and hit shuffle. I don't really know what I like." He clicked until he found out what was playing. "Um Smashing Pumpkins."
"That's cool," Kyle said, about the music. He didn't even really think about lying to Adam. They were past that, though often lying was easier. "I'm... Yes, no - I don't know. Just... Can we talk about something else for a bit? Have you talked to Autumn in the last day or so?"
"It's not bad," Adam said before stopping the music. "Okay. But we're coming back to that." He frowned, realizing he had spoken with Autumn in a while. "Not since before we moved. Why?"
Kyle smiled a little, and it sounded in his tone as he said, "Didn't think you'd let me go without coming back to it." He paused before continuing, "I saw Mazie today. They moved her over here. She didn't exactly want to talk about it, but... I think something happened with her and Autumn. Maybe. She was bitching about people hooking up. Then she pretty much jumped down my throat when I asked about it."
Adam's frown deepened despite the smile he got from Kyle. "They moved Mazie? I didn't know that." How much that sucked laced through his voice. "Something...that's weird. They're usually really solid. Maybe I should check on Autumn."
"I think you should. I wouldn't exactly call me and Mazie best friends, so I'm not surprised she didn't open up to me. But I thought the two of them were some sort of solid," Kyle said, absently reaching for a slim paintbrush and twirling it around his fingers as he spoke.
"Yeah. I'll shoot Mazie a note and go see Autumn. I know they are really close." Adam hated hearing that. "Being cut off isn't going to help." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair.
Kyle was quiet for a while. "Do you think this will be, like, long term?" he asked, softly. "I wish I knew what they were doing with this."
Adam's fingers in his hair stilled as Kyle asked his question. "I don't know Ky. I guess...it depends on how it goes. If they get the results they want I guess."
"You'll pull your hair out if you keep doing that," Kyle admonished, lightly, watching Adam in the monitor.
Adam pulled away, surprised and then looking at Kyle in the monitor with a smile. "Spying on me?" he asked, pulling his hand away from his hair.
"You don't feel quite so far away if I can see you when we talk," Kyle admitted, biting his lip as he did so. His heart was thundering so loudly he was half afraid Adam would hear it.
Adam saw that face, smiling at the sight of it. "I know that feeling." He was doing the same thing on his end. "I'm not that far away." He felt like he was but he wanted to reassure Kyle.
"You may as well be." Kyle paused, then added, "You've felt a million miles away over the past few days."
Adam was quiet for a moment. "Because of being sent over here or... Everything else?"
Kyle hesitated before answering. "Because of everything else," he said, at length. "But you being sent over there didn't help. And kinda made everything more confusing."
Adam frowned, but nodded. "I know. It's been hard lately." He went back to running his fingers through his hair. "What's confusing?"
"Do you not think it's been like that?" Kyle asked him. "Not talking, and then yesterday in the courtyard. And then messages. And speaking then not speaking. Then speaking, then... Yeah."
Adam wound up biting at his thumb, frowning still. "Yesterday was probably wrong of me. I just...I panicked at the fact that I was being separated from you." He looked down at the desk, still biting at his thumb. "I'm sorry I'm confusing. I was trying to do what I was told with right and it was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I'm sorry." He sucked didn't he?
"Please don't apologise, A," Kyle said automatically. "I just... I'd thought you never wanted to talk to me again. And I was trying to respect that. Then, suddenly, I had an armful of Adam." He chuckled, adding, "Which really wasn't a bad thing..."
Adam shook his head. "It wasn't never. It wasn’t even not talking to you. I was just trying to take a step back. Give us space." He found his smile at Kyle's comment. "An armful of Kyle isn't bad either."
"Let's not talk about what we did and didn't mean. Let's just put it behind us. All that it achieved was to make each other miserable," Kyle suggested.
"And ourselves," Adam added with a nod. The last thing he wanted to do was go back to that part where they were actively hurting one another. There was a long pause where Adam kept fidgeting. "Where do we go from here?" He asked, voice quiet. Things felt different but he wasn't sure what that was exactly.
Kyle hesitated before replying, "That's the question, isn't it? I... We don't know if... I mean, that is... We said before... I know we don't want to think that way, but... We may never see each other again. Here, I mean. And not just over the computers. So... I think we kind of need to bear that in mind." Kyle knew he was babbling. He tended to do that when he was nervous, something Adam already knew.
Adam caught the babbling. "I know. I can't...you really think they'd permanently separate us?" That seemed ridiculous. "What do you want to do Ky?" Because now it really felt like his friend was avoiding saying something.
"I think I don't know what they can do. I think they transferred us all here in the first place without telling us anything. I think they can pretty much do what they like," Kyle told him. "I..." He hesitated. It seemed like a huge surprise, saying it aloud. Kyle had never thought himself a coward, but he felt that way right now. "What do you want to do?" he asked, chickening out.
"I guess they did. But why let us form bonds just to separate us?" Adam made a face, shaking his head. "I asked you first." No way was he letting Kyle get out of that one.
Kyle pouted, and looked all around the room so that, regardless of the fact he had no idea where the cameras were, Adam would be able to properly catch that face. "Fine, call five year old rules with me then," he said. "I... want to try. Even if this is all we can have, right now. I... You know I'm nervous. I just - I think about it and my mind seems to just focus on everything that can go wrong," he explained, apologetically.
Try. Adam had wondered if that was the way the conversation had been going, but he hadn't thought so soon. Or so almost willingly on Kyle's part. It showed in the look of shock on his features. "You...you really want to?" He stumbled over the words, not sure what to make of it. "I mean...yes. Of course but. Whoa." Adam sat back in his chair, hands in his hair as he tried to remember how to breath. This wasn't actually happening was it? "What everything could go wrong? Like...specific."
"You sound surprised. I mean, I thought I said... This morning," Kyle said, though he wasn't actually surprised at Adam's reaction, all things considered. "I... Everything? I don't know. I just... Autumn said you weren't ready for anything. And I... I'm... I have issues. But, the way things have gone, I'm hurting you and you're hurting me, and I'm going to lose you anyway and it's reached the stage where it's like, why am still fighting this?"
"This morning I told you what I wanted and you said you were afraid of it. What I want hasn't really changed. I'm just...owning up to it." Adam smile and wished he could actually reach out and touch Kyle. "I don't know what I am. I need...to figure out who I am and what I like, but I think you can help with that. You have before. Autumn might be right, but we sucked at not being friends...and I know you've got issues, but I can work at being patient with yours if you can with mine." There was a long pause where Adam's smile slipped away. "Don't say you want to because you're worried you're going to lose me or you don't have another option...you have to want it too Ky." Adam was trying to keep the fear out of his voice but wasn't sure if he managed.
"I’m not doing this because I think I'll lose you if I don't," Kyle corrected, instantly. "I mean, yes, I'm afraid. But not like that. I'm afraid... It's like I'm standing on this precipice and I'm going to throw myself off it, and I just have to trust you to be there to catch me. But, what it you can't? What if I fall in the wrong place? Or I'm heavier than you thought? Or... It's like that. Like it's safer not to jump in the first place. Only it's not, not really. But that doesn't make the jump any less scary." He paused, before thinking something else. "What do you mean, you don't know what you are?"
"Shit, when you describe it like that I wonder why you'd bother at all," Adam said because that sounded worse. At Kyle's question he shrugged. "What kind of person I am or if I am ready. I just...don't know. But...I know I want to be good enough for you."
Kyle winced. "This is why I shouldn't speak, and kind of the problem. I'm terrible at explaining these things. It's not... Before, yes, I mean... It felt safer to keep things as they were. But now..." He took a breath, then ploughed forward. "I really like you, A. You don't have to be good enough for me. I wouldn't want this to be about that. I'm not looking for someone who's doing things they think'll make me happy or whatever. And I don't know if I'm ready for this either, but... Do you want to find out?"
Adam struggled with what Kyle was saying, trying to sort things out the right way, not to get thrown off track by the haphazard way that he explained it. In the end he settled for the simple answer. "Yes. Definitely. And...maybe we stop thinking so hard." That seemed to be what twisted them up in circles.
"Maybe we could just... Go back to where we were before and just... Take the labels off it? Then just see where that takes us, at whatever speed we're ready for?" Kyle suggested. He didn't know how else to put things, and he felt like he was going to fall at the first hurdle here, regardless of what Adam was saying.
"Which before? And which labels?" Adam asked, because wasn't sure he got that part. "Go with what seems natural?"
Kyle smiled at Adam's reaction. "'Just friends," Kyle provided. "Before the past few days. When we weren't tied up in knots over everything."
Kyle smiled at Adam's reaction. "'Just friends," Kyle provided. "Before the past few days. When we weren't tied up in knots over everything. And, yes, go with what feels natural. No pressure to be or do or not do anything."
"Even if what seems natural is maybe...more than friendly?" Adam's voice was hesitant, anxious that maybe he'd misread the whole thing and they were just going back to friends and nothing else. The last thing he wanted to do was screw this up when it seemed to be going well.
"Even if natural means more than friendly, yes Adam," Kyle told him with a little laugh. "I'm Not trying to back out of this, A. I might be doing a terrible job of explaining things, but I'm not backing out."
"Don't talk to me like I'm being silly," Adam said, shaking his head. "I just...want to be sure we're on the same page. Because I'm not there to..do anything." Which now sucked a lot worse than it had ten minutes ago. "I'm glad you're not. But if you get scared, really scared, you have to tell me."
Kyle's smile dropped as he was admonished. "Sorry," he said, quietly. "I know I'm being kind of all over the place. I can't be easy to deal with. And no, I'm not there. But... Absolute honesty. That's what we agreed and, let's stick with that, okay?" He paused. "Where are you with all this? How are you feeling? I... I feel like we're very focused on me right now."
"Don't," Adam started as soon as Kyle stopped smiling. "You aren't hard to deal with. You're wonderful. I want to make sure I have the rules right. What I can say or should say or do." When doing was an option. "Are we focused on you? I didn't notice," Adam said leaning back in his chair to run his hands through his hair. "I'm...trying hard not to grin like an idiot?" He said quirking a smile. "And wishing we weren't cut off or I'd already be with you and be trying to stay with you tonight."
Kyle swallowed and leaned in to the computer a little, even though Adam wasn't there. "Slow, remember. I..." The artist knew what he was like. All or nothing. Once he let go, there was no such things as 'slow, unless Adam was onboard with that. Him suddenly jumping to staying the night, and Kyle flashed back to everything that had nearly happened with Leandro and how badly wrong that could have gone, and whilst he knew this was very different, still he knew he needed to not go running headlong into things.
Adam shook his head. "I didn't mean that. That I'm...you might have to be patient with me." Because there were things that could be downright terrifying if the wrong memories surfaced. "Just...sleep. Like we've done before." He paused, watching Kyle on the camera feed. "You what?"
Kyle visibly relaxed again. "Sleep. Yes. That I could do. I'm just... There's a lot I'm not ready for. Not with you. Not until we're sure. You, this means too much to just try things and see." He paused, then added, "I know you know that. That things don't always go well. That we need to be sure." Kyle remembered Adam's reaction to sleeping with Zach's friend. The way he couldn't even be touched afterwards.
Adam nodded. "All that's good, but...it's not everything. Just being close would be enough." Sappy as it was and likely not to get mentioned at all, Adam liked the idea of being able to wake up next to Kyle and not have Kyle scramble to the other side of the bed just to put space back between them "I'm interested in the other things, but I know we don't have to hurry to them." Especially not if it mean Adam freaking out.
Kyle nodded. "Okay," he said, sounding relieved. He fell silent for a moment or two, before saying, "So... what now?"
Adam laughed and looked towards the ceiling. "I have no idea. If I was there I'd hug you, but otherwise...not sure."
This is weird," Kyle admitted, laughing when Adam did, tension leaving him entirely now the hard part seemed over with. "It's like we're making some kind of deal or something. How very romantic..."
Adam grinned leaning closer to the computer. "Were you looking for romantic?"
Kyle quirked a smile. "I guess I don't know. Maybe?" he teased. "It would seem apt." He paused, and made a show of preening for the cameras. "I guess I'll just have to settle for 'wonderful'..."
"Wonderful was quite a bit," Adam said. "What's your favorite romantic thing? I'm not sure...yeah never done anything like that before."
"Never?" Kyle asked, clearly surprised, though he had hardly been the hearts and flowers type in the past. "You do realise that asking for ideas kind of defeats the object of it all, right?"
Adam felt himself flush, hoping it wouldn't show up in the camera feed. "Never. I've...never been in a relationship." Hook ups, yes, but nothing stuck.
"Jeffrey," Kyle concluded, with a nod. "I guess he didn't think it was the thing to do. I figured as much. I just wondered if Maybe there'd been someone before he got his claws into you." Kyle didn't mean to imply there had been anything of a romantic nature between the two men, just that Jeffrey had more than normal interest in Adam's past life. "I don't care, you know. Well, I do, because your past sounds pretty shitty by all accounts. But, about this, I'm not going to judge, and you don't have to be self conscious. I wasn't really, well... In the past there wasn't anyone special. I didn't tend to go in for that kind of thing." Kyle had never been one for one night stands, but he hadn't done serious relationships either.
Adam was quiet when he spoke. "Before him there was no one Ky." It wasn't just Jeffrey getting his claws into Adam. There was Jeffrey picking the perfect target. The boy with no friends and a sexuality that really on led him to unadulterated adoration to the person willing to be there.
"It's okay, A," Kyle said, softly. "I'm..." He quirked a smile, deciding to couch it in different terms. "Makes a guy feel special, y'know."
That earned Kyle a small laugh even if it wasn't too cheerful. "Well good. You are special. Very much so."
Kyle caught the lack of mirth and fell serious. "What's up, A? Talk to me, please. It's obvious something's bothering you," he said, his tone soft and caring.
Adam drug fingers through his hair. "I'm starting to realize how much I don't know about. I don't want you to be upset or disappointed. It's not just the guy thing you know?"
"'The guy thi...'," Kyle trailed off, not actually needing to finish that sentence. He thought back to when he and Adam first met. How he'd been convinced his friend was mostly straight, that his crush on Kyle had been the first time Adam had had same sex inclinations. "Hey, hush honey. I'll take care of you, baby," he said, the terms of endearment falling easily from his lips. "I'm not going to be upset. I'm not going to be disappointed, just because this is new to you - and not just the guy thing, I know. Other stuff too. A, I don't expect you to be perfect. Or to have all the answers."
Oh god. The terms of endearment were just there, like they were nothing, and Adam felt his stomach flip drastically at them. Kyle had called him honey before and it had left him floored, but the conversation they'd had afterward had washed his excitement around it away. Given the conversation they'd just had and the context, the excitement was there again and it was enough to leave Adam shivering a little and nodding. Yeah, he'd definitely let Kyle show him whatever Kyle wanted. Realizing he needed to say something since at best Kyle could probably see him, Adam wound up nodding. "Keep calling me baby and I'm not going to care." The thought blurted out before he could stop it, half covering his face at himself. And Kyle was worried about saying the wrong thing. Clearly he hadn't listened to Adam talk yet.
Kyle choked out a laugh at that, having not expected the reaction. His mind had been on Adam's past. Not only his lack of real experience with guys, but also the fact that what 'experience' he did have had been violent and unwilling to the extreme. He hadn't even consciously spoken, let alone planned to say seemingly exactly the right thing for once. Still, he was very glad that he had. "That work for you, hmm?" he asked, biting off his laughter so that Adam didn't think he was being laughed at.
Adam could feel his cheeks were on fire, sure he was some shade of red at this point, ducking his head and half hiding even if he wasn’t sure where the camera was or what Kyle would and wouldn’t see. “Maybe…yes.” He couldn’t even smoothly cover it up in front of Kyle.
Kyle grinned. "Okay, noted," he said, sounding pleased, though he couldn't help but tease Adam, since he could see the man on camera. "There's nothing wrong with that you know. You can like being called baby if you want, baby..."
Apparently there was a shade of red beyond what Adam already had going on. “Stop,” he said even though he was smiling. “I mean don’t...but don’t...don’t make fun of me.” Even if he was feeling embarrassed he was still grinning. It was making him blush, but he did like it. Adam couldn’t deny that. “Look just because you’ve got this whole ‘sexy Kyle’ thing figured out, doesn’t mean you can tease me for being a mess.”
Kyle immediately slammed the brakes on the teasing. He hadn't meant to make Adam feel bad - and even if the other man was still smiling, that's what the artist took from it. He was quiet for a few minutes as he tried to work out how on earth to respond to anything Adam had just said. He felt like he had already pushed things too far, too fast. Slow really was going to have to be the order of the day, in everything. For both of them, there was a huge gulf between what they wanted and what they could handle. "I don't... Feel particularly sexy," Kyle said, after a really long silence. His voice was far more quiet and subdued now.
The silence worried Adam, from the jump. Just when it was good, it went wrong again. They did have a lot to learn about one another didn’t they? When Kyle spoke, with that different tone, Adam looked up, surprise written across his features. “You should,” he said quickly. “You are.”
"I'm going to have to keep you around, you're good for my ego," Kyle half joked.
"Sounds like you don't believe me. Do I need to really explain what your costume did to me?" Adam was smiling, recalling the better moments of that night.
Kyle ducked his head, bashfully - not something he did all that often, yet he also wasn't used to being called on his appearance either. "That was different. That was costume. I wasn't being me that night - I was being a work of art," he explained, hoping Adam would get the difference.
"Kyle you are a work of art," Adam said shaking his head, wanting so badly to be closer. "And it wasn't just the paint it was wondering where the paint went and what happened if I touched you. It's you."
“Given how long I spent on that paintwork, you probably would have gotten a slap,” Kyle joked, because it was safer and more comfortable to do so than to actually accept what Adam was saying, even though he knew it was how the guy felt.
“Ouch,” Adam said shaking his head. “Though I probably would have taken the slap willingly.” It would have been worth it in his mind.
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Masochist.” He paused, and a thought occurred to him. “Oh - I guess you’ve lost the sword and shield I made, huh?” he asked, feeling down over that thought. He’d spent a lot of time on both, and had been really proud of how they’d come out.
“If I got away with what I wanted, so worth it.” Adam’s heart fell at mention of the sword and shield, eyes falling towards the floor as he nodded. “Yeah...I keep thinking that I should have grabbed them before leaving which is silly because..how could I have known you know?”
“You couldn’t know - Oh! Did you get your medication?” Kyle asked, his eyes widening as he realised that he hadn’t even considered that before now. Which made him feel like an idiot, and one who really needed to get his priorities straight.
Adam shook his head. “I have my test kit, but yeah I’m running low on everything else. I messaged them this afternoon to see if they’d give me what I need.” He sighed and shrugged. “Here’s hoping.”
There was a long pause, before Kyle asked, “...What happens if they don’t give it to you?” in a really quiet voice. As though he already knew that he didn’t want to know the answer.
Adam looked out his pump and didn’t know how to answer right away. “I need a doctor pretty quick. If I run out of insulin I’m going to have to...well it won’t be easy. It’s going to hard to eat and keep from getting low with no way to combat a high. Could go pretty bad.” There was no point in lying about it.
Yeah, Kyle hadn’t wanted to hear that at all. There was another long pause before he answered. “Well, I guess then they better answer you, right?” he said, with clearly forced cheer.
“They will,” Adam said being reassuring. “They didn’t put me in here just to get sick.” Or so he hoped. He was making an assumption there, but he couldn’t stand that fake smile.
The reassurance worked a little, but it didn’t get rid of the fake smile. “Right, right - of course not,” the artist said. “It’ll be fine. You’ll probably have a package waiting for you tomorrow - you know how much they like doing that kind of thing, right?”
“Hopefully,” Adam said, making a little face. “I can tell you’re faking you know that right?” he said. That was pretty obvious.
Kyle shrugged. “Would you prefer that I panic and burst into tears because of all the possibilities and knowing there’s nothing I can do about anything if it goes that way?” Kyle said, keeping a tight rein on both his tone and his expression.
“No, but the fake smile has to hurt your face,” Adam said. He was trying not to think about it. “I managed in prison for a while with minimal access to supplies,” he said, hoping that calmed Kyle.
“I have years of practice at fake-face. The muscles are in fine condition. I could do it all day,” Kyle said, making an attempt at humor.
“How do I get it back to real smiles?” Adam asked, chin propped in his hand as he watched Kyle in the monitor.
“Give it time?” Kyle suggested. He shrugged. “I’m not always going to be happy you know. You should probably get used to that fact.”
“I get that. But it’s good to know what I do that helps at least cheer you up. That is...the point here right? Being with someone that makes you happy?” Adam knew how that went, that Kyle wouldn’t always be happy, but he was still sure there had to be something he could do to help.
“Yeah, that’s the point,” Kyle said, quirking a half smile. “And… Just as soon as I know you’re definitely okay, I’ll be fine. I just…” He knew what he was thinking. He had lost too many people here, so much so that he had come to almost expect it. But he couldn’t say that. Not to Adam. It was depressing and it wouldn’t be what the other man wanted to think about. “I’ll be fine,” he repeated.
“Shouldn’t I be saying that?” Adam said, raising one eyebrow. “Because it’s me that needs to be okay.” He watched Kyle in the screen, wondering what the other man was thinking and hating that he couldn’t quite guess. “You just what?”
Kyle arched a brow and looked towards where he thought the camera might be, so that he could be reasonably sure that Adam could catch the expression. “You don’t think I worry about you?” he asked. “Because I do.”
“I know you do,” Adam said. “I worry about you too though.” More than Kyle would be okay with considering Kyle had a thing about being taken care of and protected.
“Adam - right now, there’s nothing to worry about with me. And it’s pointless you worrying about me worrying about you,” he pointed out.
Adam nodded. “Just want you to be happy, that’s all Ky.” He felt bad for wanting that, wondering if it wasn’t as simple as he thought it would be.
Kyle frowned a little. “I know you do, A. But… Sometimes it’s not as easy as that. Sometimes it’s not something you can control. Hell, this is your health we’re talking about, A. So, no matter what, I’m going to worry until I know you’re okay. I mean, what kind of a dick would I be if I just blew that off and it didn’t affect me at all?”
Adam nodded. “I know. I’d be upset if you didn’t care. I know I would.” He was quiet for a moment, not saying anything for a long moment. When he did speak again his voice was quiet, barely there. “I’m trying not to think about it because it scares me.” He didn’t know what they were doing here, what they wanted keeping him away from his things and his friends. It scared him that not letting him get to the supplies he needed might be part of their game as well.
Kyle closed his eyes, wishing he was there, because what he wanted to do right now was hold him. Sometimes, words didn’t feel like enough. “I’m gonna be right here, A. I just wish I was right there instead.”
Words didn’t feel like enough to Adam either. What he wanted was what Kyle wanted to give, being held, not being left alone. “I wish you were here too,” he said with a sigh, barely looking up at all.
“I hate them,” Kyle said, without opening his eyes. “I hate what they’re doing here, how they run this place. I hate that I don’t want to do anything about it, because I’m terrified they’ll send me back. I hate all of this.”
Adam glanced up at that, shaking his head. “Don’t say that.” Maybe it was him being paranoid, but he didn’t want Kyle to say the wrong thing. “It’s better here. Even if it is weird and badly run, we have each other.”
“Exactly. It is better here. That’s the thing that drives me crazy at times. No matter what they put us through, or throw at us, it’s better here. And yes, I have you. And I have Wren. And the other friends I’ve made and you guys are great. More than great. I just… I just wish they’d leave us alone and stop screwing with us,” Kyle confessed, his words falling over themselves in the hurry to be expressed.
“I wish that too. I think we do enough without the extra help they seem to keep giving to keep it interesting,” Adam said. “But...we can’t go back. I can’t go back.”
Kyle shook his head. “Neither of us can go back, A.” He didn’t point out the fact that neither of them really had a choice either way.
Adam sighed. “So we do what we have to do. We stick together. Maybe that’s what they’re looking for,” he said, watching Kyle intently. “And the moment I can get to you I know right where I’m going. Everything else can wait.”
If they wanted them to stick together, why separate them? Kyle didn’t voice the thought. Instead, he smiled. “I’m gonna hold you to that, A,” he said.
“Where else would I go? If an armful of Kyle is an option then I’m going for it. And hopefully following it up with a good couple of hours just the two of us locked away somewhere.” Adam let the words fall without thinking about it until after the fact. Then he was mentally praying that it was an okay thing to suggest.
“We’re going to have a lot to talk about,” Kyle agreed, talking that in the way that he was sure that Adam meant, given their earlier conversation. “Though you’d probably upset Wren if you did that - if they let the blocks together, then she’s going to want to see you too.”
Right. Talk. They needed to talk. And while Adam’s mind hadn’t spun too far out of control there was a lot more than just talk that was on his list of things to do once he could actually touch Kyle. “You’re forgetting about Chuck. He’s going to get there before I could even if I didn’t have you as a distraction.” He looked down at the test, feeling a touch ashamed at what he wanted and was thinking. “But you’re right. Maybe not that long.” Definitely too much to suggest.
Kyle laughed a little at that. “True, true - she might be kinda busy herself,” he allowed. “I guess, really, it depends on how much time we have. Hopefully like permanently.”
“It’s going to be even harder to pull us apart if they give us a chance to see each other again. I don’t think I’m the only one that feels that way.” Adam had a feeling that he was probably in the majority actually. “I just hope this isn’t for much longer.”
“Yeah, me too,” Kyle told him. He took a breath. “I guess - I guess I should let you go,” he said, hesitantly.
Adam didn’t want to hang up but he got it. “Yeah maybe. It is getting late.” He watched Kyle in the monitor, smiling a little. “I’m glad...glad we decided on where to go.”
Kyle tweaked a shy smile back. “Yeah, me too,” he said. He was still nervous, but he felt worlds better, having broached the subject with Adam. “Are you - you gonna be able to sleep tonight?” he asked.
Adam looked at his bed, biting his lip a little. “Maybe. I’ve got better fodder for dreams,” he said, finding a smile. “Will you? Or are you going to paint all night?”
“I’m going to try and get some sleep,” Kyle admitted. “I… It’s been a while. I only slept last night because I kinda collapsed. Not like badly just… Exhaustion. But then I only got a few hours.”
“I tried, but was awake for most of the night. Then I woke up from nightmares when I finally did pass out.” Adam hated that feeling, like he hadn’t slept. “I haven’t really much at all.” He shrugged. “I might try again and just hope I don’t wake up screaming.”
Kyle bit his bottom lip, gently. “Would it help - I mean, that is… I know it might not at all. But, if you wanted - we could… Just leave the call going?” he suggested. “I know it’s not the same, but… I’d be here. Kind of.”
Adam looked at the computer, and Kyle, nodding a little. “I’m fine with that,” he said. “More than. I was going to leave the camera feed up anyway, which I hope is okay.”
Kyle shrugged, though he was pleased Adam hadn’t thought his suggestion was a stupid one. “You’re not the only person watching,” he pointed out. “At least you’re someone I don’t mind knowing my every move.” He paused and cocked his head. “Though, you can answer one thing I wondered - you can’t see into my bathroom, right? Because…” He blushed and looked down a little. “I mean, I can’t see yours - notthatIlookedoranything!”
Adam was going to answer but then his eyes went wider. “You so looked!” He was teasing, but amused. “Are you trying to see me naked?” he asked before shaking his head. “No, no bathrooms. Bedrooms, but no bathrooms.”
Kyle rolled his eyes, though it was clear that he was still blushing and awkward. “I’ve seen you in a towel, A,” he pointed out. “There’s not that much more I’m missing.” Bravado - it was a great cover up.
“Um excuse me, there’s plenty you were missing. And that was forever ago. I wasn’t even aware of you looking.” Adam gave Kyle a look, angling it towards the camera so he’d see it.
“A - I’ve known you for just over three weeks. Nothing is ‘forever ago’ yet,” Kyle pointed out. “And… I wasn’t looking, exactly. I was just - you were walking round in a towel! With dampness! And, and - you know, your clothes didn’t do you justice. There were muscles and shoulders and arms and things!”
“It feels like forever.” He raised his eyebrow at Kyle’s explanation, smiling more. “For someone not looking you remember quite a bit.” He was glad Kyle was looking though. “You keep the feed up you’ll catch me in boxers if I try and go to bed.”
“What do you mean, ‘if’?” Kyle asked, preferring that to keeping on with the other subject. Anyhow, Adam needed sleep.
“If I don’t make a plan or try and lay down, I’ll crash in my clothes.” Which was why Adam slept in his clothes more often than not.
“Then how about you go take a shower, get changed and go to bed,” Kyle suggested. “Leave the line open, I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Adam ran his fingers through his hair before nodding and getting up. “Yeah that doesn’t sound bad. I won’t be long.” He made a point of pulling off his shirt before heading into the bathroom, just as a tiny little tease.
“Yeah, yeah!” Kyle called after Adam, knowing exactly what the other guy was doing. Then, turning the volume up to max on his computer, he turned his attention to his art.
Adam didn’t rush, but he didn’t take too long in the shower before coming back into the room in just his towel again. He took a moment to glance at the monitor, seeing Kyle working and shaking his head. “You’re going to do that all night again aren’t you?”
Kyle looked over as he heard the voice from his speakers. He caught Adam on the screen and shook his head as he cleaned off his brush, mostly looking at his monitor. “And what are you - determined to remind me?” he asked. He appreciated the view, but at the same time he couldn’t help but be a little concerned that Adam would drop the towel. He wasn’t really ready to deal with that kind of escalation, yet he didn’t want to have to admit to that. “But, no - I’m not going to do this all night. I told you, I’m going to try and get sleep tonight.”
“Determined to remind you of the fact that you said you’d sleep or the towel?” Adam said, turning more towards the camera before going to the drawer to find a pair of boxers. He didn’t drop the towel, not yet. That was something better done in person and honestly he would have been more than little embarrassed.
“The towel, Adam,” Kyle deadpanned. “Also, I’m turning away now so you can change,” he said, doing just that - even though Adam would simply have to take him at his word about it.
Adam pulled his boxers on under the towel, shaking his head. “You don’t have to turn away. You wouldn’t see anything anyway.” He tossed the towel towards the bathroom then went back to his desk chair. “All changed.”
Kyle finished off a few more strokes, then rinsed off his brush and settled back down at the computer. “It doesn’t really matter whether I would have seen anything or not - I figured it was only polite to let you know I wasn’t looking.”
"If you'd really wanted to I couldn't have stopped you," Adam said with a smile. "But it's probably something that can wait until the right time. Like...streaking across the complex."
“A, we both know that’s hardly the point,” Kyle said, lightly. Just because someone wasn’t able to stop something, didn’t make it okay, or right, after all. “And… Sorry, but I just don’t have you down as the streaking type,” he laughed.
“Ky, if you’d wanted to? I wouldn’t have stopped you. I’d actually be kind of flattered.” Adam got what he meant, about how it would be an invasion of privacy, but it was Kyle. “I dunno. I could be.”
“You’d be flattered because it was me. But it’s not gonna happen, because it’s me. And if it wasn’t me, then you probably wouldn’t be okay with it.” Which Kyle hoped Adam understood what he meant there. “I like to think that maybe I can get away with more than most?” he asked, hopefully.
Adam considered that then nodded. "You're right. And yes you can. Unless you mean more streaking and then you're on and I'm better I can go longer before getting caught." He grinned something cheeky and teasing.
Kyle shook his head. “That’s not a bet I’m willing to take,” he said, faking offence, playing along with the whole ‘joking’ aspect of things. He let that hang for a moment, then pushed away from the desk. “And now it’s my turn to go take a shower,” he said, crossing the room to collect his sleeping clothes. He would change in the bathroom. Adam may feel okay wandering around in a towel, but Kyle didn’t. He had been serious when he had said that the party had been very different. Generally, he was nowhere near as body-confident. “I’ll be back in a few, okay?”
Adam laughed and shook his head, eying his bed for a moment before getting up and adjusting the volume on the phone so he could hear it. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere but over here.” He pointed at the bed for the camera, then went to drop on it. At least the clean sheets didn’t smell like some other guy.
Kyle didn't linger in the shower, though he did try and make sure that he washed off all the bits of paint. It got into annoyingly surprising places, that was for sure. Dressing in the bathroom, he then headed back out into his room, making for the bed. "Can you still hear me okay?" he asked, settling down and slipping beneath the covers.
Adam had rolled on his side, still on top of the covers, but comfortable. He was tired, he could feel it, but he didn't know if he'd sleep. He needed to, he knew that, but he wasn't sure if it would happen. "Yeah, can you hear me?"
Kyle shifted, turning to plump up his pillows more, before lying down once again. "Yeah, I can hear you," he confirmed, pushing one arm under his pillow so that he was cradling it against the side of his head.
"Good," Adam said. "Or, good until I accidentally wake you up screaming." Which would be awful and Adam was pretty sure he wouldn't ever not feel bad for it if it happened.
"Adam, if you're having a nightmare, then I'll be here for it. I want to be here for it. I want to be here for you," Kyle said, lightly but firmly.
Adam felt his stomach flip at that tone, but instead of complaining or fighting it, he went with a different angle. "I wish you were here." His fingers tangled in the sheets, then released, then tangled again. "It's weird, doing this and not being...near you."
"Hmm, if I were there, maybe you wouldn't have a nightmare at all," Kyle said, his voice starting to sound a little sleepy. He really hadn't gotten enough sleep recently. "Then we'd both sleep better..."
Adam wasn't drifting yet, but he could hear Kyle. "I probably wouldn't. Though we might not sleep." There was a light tease to his voice knowing, yes slow, but if he got close to Kyle again, that want was going to kick in. "Do you sleep better when I'm there?"
Kyle's eyes fluttered open and he looked towards the computer. "I don't know," he admitted. "I don't really have problems sleeping - except that I don't seem to need as much as a normal person. Last time we slept together I got up in the middle of the night," he reminded Adam.
"True. Next time, remind me not to let you do that." Adam was smiling a little before rolling on his back to stare at the ceiling.
The artist let his eyes shift closed again as he snuggled further into his pillow. "You were sleeping at the time," he pointed out, his voice half muffled by the pillow now.
"I'd be sleeping closer," Adam pointed out, but knew he was losing Kyle to sleep. "Sweet dreams Ky," he said just loud enough to be heard.
"You too, A," Kyle muttered, before sleep claimed him - for now, anyhow.