tomorrow's shadows (fated_wren) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-03-09 04:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | day thirteen, kyle, kyle and wren, wren |
unresolved confusion
Characters: Wren and Kyle
Setting: wren's room
Wren was unhappy. The more she thought about things with Adam, the less happy she was. She kept going over their communication on the journals, and that wasn't making anything any better either. Thankfully, Kyle was okay to talk, so she was hoping that would help. In one way or another.
When the knock came on her door, she got up from her place at the computer, and opened it, giving Kyle a small, reserved smile. "Thank you for coming." she said, stepping back so he could enter.
"Of course," Kyle said, stepping inside and dropping the bag he'd brought with him to the floor by the wall as unimportant. "So, what's going on?"
Wren shut the door behind him, and walked around a little, not quite pacing, but close. "I don't really know what to do, and I'm...quite confused right now." she admitted. "Adam's...behaving strangely." she said, looking back to Kyle. "Thank you for assuring me that things are okay there, with him, and you two, and all that, but..." she shook her head and sighed. "I don't know. Which I'm aware is unhelpful, and I apologize in advance for lacking the skills to explain myself well."
Well, at least Kyle knew now that apparently this time Adam did have something he needed to apologise for. The artist headed over to sit on the couch, crossing his legs and looking up at her as she paced. "He told me that Charlie told you you weren't allowed to kiss him," he said, his tone neutral. There was a whole lot that he didn't really get in that statement. Things that he hadn't wanted to ask Adam. Maybe Wren would be able to answer some of those unasked questions. And maybe it would give her a place to start.
Nodding, she glanced to Kyle again, then made herself stop her nervous movement. "I don't want to overreact." she said first. "However, after what's been said and implied in our conversation over the computers, I'm..." she bit her lower lip. "Lost. And hurt. And confused." she said. "And if you feel this may compromise your position in things, then I understand, and I can..." she looked a little helpless, not sure what she would do. "I apologize. But Leandro is gone, and I can't talk to Chester about these things, because he's automatically biased. And I did talk to him about it already, and...he's biased."
"Try me," Kyle said. "And if you overreact, then you overreact. I think I owe you anyhow. You dealt with me, after all. And I don't know Charlie. And I'm very well aware that Adam is less than perfect," he added with a small smile. Sure, Adam was his best friend, but that didn't mean that Kyle was blind to the man's failings and foibles.
"No one is perfect." Wren said quietly, trying to figure out where to start. She was silent for a few long moments, before she sat down at her computer, turning the chair so she could see Kyle. "I don't know why all of a sudden, things with me and Chester are going to significantly alter things with Adam and I. But it seems to me that he's already decided that they are going to, and he's...apparently hurt? Or something, by what he called...a...'not getting a shot' I believe he said, which is quite confusing for me, because I didn't in any way realize that he would even want one, especially with how strongly he's been feeling about you, and he's cancelled our plans for after we get out of here...or...said they're 'on hold', and I don't understand why," she said, clearly completely confused.
"I think that's an Adam thing," Kyle said, lifting his chin slightly. He was aware that he was sitting very properly, almost to attention, his hands resting on his crossed knees. It was always a sign that he was concentrating on taking things seriously, not allowing himself to relax. "He said the same kind of things when there was something brewing with me and Leandro. He seemed to flat out decide that if Lee and I got together, then that would be the end of our friendship. Which I quickly told him was bullshit, but - he still thinks that way." He paused for a moment. "As for not getting a shot... He - yeah..." Kyle sighed, deciding not to share his opinion on that right now.
"Well, it's cruel, and unfair." Wren said first, because she did feel that way. "And makes me feel very much like I'm being punished. I get one kiss from someone else, and now our friendship isn't going to be there anymore, he's just taking it away." she added. She waited to see if he was going to finish his thought, and when it was clear he wasn't, she asked. "He...?" she prompted.
"Yes, it's unfair," Kyle agreed, though he kept his tone conversational, rather than judgemental. She had asked him to be unbiased, after all. He was clearly trying his hardest to stop himself from becoming emotional about any of this. The result was a rather poised and almost cold Kyle. "He should have more faith in our abilities to maintain friendships. But I think that he presumes he'll be rejected at every turn. It's a his self-esteem thing, rather than a you thing. And..." There was another sigh. "I think Adam attaches easily," he said, deciding that they were going to talk about this. "I think he's desperate for someone to love him and he's not all that bothered about who it is." With that final comment, some of his cold objectivity failed him for a moment and emotion flickered across his face before he could prevent it.
Wren frowned lightly, seeing the emotion there, and she stood up and went to sit next to him. "What do you mean?" she asked. "Or, I think I might know, but I would feel better if you explained what you mean first, before I get too carried away in my own mind. At current, I am distrustful of my own conclusions or views on things." she told him honestly.
"I mean that look at it. He got together with Becka within days of arriving here. And he'd like something with me. And he'd like something with you... And that's just the ones we know about. I think Adam forms attachments to anyone who's nice to him." There was another shrug from the artist, whose expression was schooled firmly back into blank neutrality.
Not answering immediately, she went over a few things in her mind. For instance, how he spoke about his relationship with Becka. And how he'd been so very upset about Kyle, but when he had come up in their talks over the computer, it seemed to have been downgraded to 'just fresher in my mind'. "This is all very blindsiding." she told him, voice quiet. "He showed no inclination toward me. It was rather a shock when he seemed upset and said he was jealous and now hurting...he described it 'like being kicked in the gut twice'."
"I thought he liked you," Kyle admitted to her. "He never said anything, but that didn't surprise me. There was just... something."
"He never made any indication to me." Wren said. "In fact, even when I was feeling something, feeling like there was something missing in the moments between us?" she shook her head. "Nothing. Not on his end. All there was was him being upset over his nightmares, and you." she said, looking away again. "So, when this came about, it was like the rug got pulled out from under me on a number of levels. I don't even think I understand all of it. All I do know is it seems to me like..." she trailed off helplessly. "Like I've done something wrong, and now things are all ruined, and I still don't understand why. I...maybe you can make sense of it. I don't know."
"You haven't done anything wrong, Wren," Kyle told her, firmly. "Just because someone likes you, you don't owe them anything for that. Especially if they never indicated to you that they did. If the first thing that Adam did to indicate that he liked you was to say he was jealous when you got together with someone else - that's unfair of him. But it's not your fault."
"Chester... Is Charlie? He checked. He thought that was right, but he didn't want to be making assumptions here. "Because Adam really doesn't like Charlie, and I understand the feeling is mutual. So that would be playing in a whole lot."
Wren looked pained. "I'm so sorry--yes." she said. "When I knew him at the commune, I knew him as Chester, and I know now his name is Charlie, but he wants me to call him Chester...I'm sure it's confusing, I should have clarified." she said, feeling bad that she'd missed out on that detail. She guessed in her head it was all clear, so it didn't occur that the dual name thing wasn't well known. "And I know they don't like each other. But I'm my own person. And even if Chester doesn't like Adam, he'd never ask me to not be friends with him anymore. He wouldn't do that to me. He's uniquely aware of just how isolated my life has been. I don't think he'd ever do anything that meant I lost even one person that was important to me. Not after what happened at the commune. And ignoring that, I make my own decisions." She drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "The messages are there, if you wanted to read them." she said, gesturing to the computer. "I just...feel like I'm missing so very much here. And this is very important to me. Adam is very important to me. This turn of events is...upsetting."
"Please don't apologise. There's really no need. But thank you for clarifying the situation," Kyle said. It seemed that being around Adam had flipped his switch to disliking apologies where they were unneeded. "If it helps, Adam asked me to tell you he was sorry," Kyle added as he stood and moved to her desk to read through the messages. He felt a little uncomfortable, especially considering what Adam had said to him before. But he never had to tell his friend that he had done this.
"At the moment, I feel like the translation between my head and the rest of the world at large is suspect at best." Wren told him, when he said she needn't apologize. It wasn't a further apology, more an explanation for it. "I don't know if it helps, if he really is going to go through with 'everything has to change' and ditching our plans for after here." she said. "I'll just let you read." she added, giving him the time to go over the messages. She sat down on her bed, pillow propped up to lean against. Absently, she traced her fingertips over the runes nearest her wrist.
Kyle was determined to be objective and unbiased and reasonable and not in the least bit petty. Still, he couldn't help the comment which slipped out before he could stop it, "At least he made plans with you for after. He never mentioned anything to me." That was hardly the point right now, and he regretted it the moment he said it. "Sorry," he muttered, and turned to really concentrate on what he was reading. He didn't say anything until he got about halfway down. "..How did you not being allowed to kiss Adam come up?" he asked, glancing round at her. "The way you put that, it seems specific - or was it a general comment from Char.. Chester and you just made it specific to Adam here?"
Wren blinked at the comment. "I suppose I had assumed you would be there, at least at some point." she said. Just like she'd assumed Chester would be around too. "I had to wonder if I was just strange, thinking in that 'commune' way, like we were all going to go off someplace and live together. Or...something. Nothing had been very specific." she said.
"It came up because I was overwhelmed. Upset. I was when I went to see you, it was why I needed to leave so quickly. Things seemed confusing. I seemed to hit these walls, where I couldn't understand what was going on. I was a mess, and Chester was there, and he talked to me, and the 'something's missing' moment came up. And it came up with him too. Turns out that something missing was a kiss. Like, a heartbeat where a kiss was meant to go." She was blushing darkly. "I feel very foolish," she admitted. "Stupid. Naive. I know this isn't normal. That I'm not normal, and I shouldn't need all of this explained like I'm a child, but that's what happened."
Kyle frowned a little. "I hope this isn't an offensive question, but - why did you need someone to point out when - that kiss moment?" he asked, struggling to understand that. "I mean - unless it was just one sided. Like - he wanted it and you didn't, but..." But she'd noticed something, apparently. She just hadn't known what it was. Kyle couldn't imagine that. How that came about. And it was easier to go with than allowing himself to dwell on the fact that Adam had been making future plans that didn't include him. And that had even been before they'd talked about how there wasn't going to be anything more between them but friendship.
"It isn't offensive." Wren said first. Because it wasn't. After all, that sort of thing probably sounded insane. "I recognize that it sounds ridiculous." she added. "It also occurs that you may not know a whole lot about my past, so I will give you the quick rundown, and if there's anything you don't know, ask and I'll explain." she continued.
"The reason I needed it explained is because it's never happened to me before. Or, if it has, it was so buried, I never allowed myself to notice. I was married on my fifteenth birthday to our leader, and that was that. It was my duty. But I've never had..." she made a vague gesture. "Romance. I've never had a 'boyfriend'. I was never in circumstances where anything like that would ever come up. So, I didn't understand it. All I knew was that something felt missing. On my end, for clarity. I felt like something skipped a beat. I was telling him how I didn't believe he would end up alone--because I don't. I said he was a good person, and he'd meet whoever he was when he was out of here, and it would be a whole new world. And he said it already was. That he had me. I don't...I don't know if the two were meant to be connected or not." she admitted. "They were just said together. And he said he was technically not alone. His voice was all soft, and he smiled at me..." she trailed off, frowning. "And then it felt like something was missing." she said, that helpless note in her voice again.
"But... Have you never, like, had a crush on anyone?" Kyle asked her. A mix of surprise and confusion was written on his face now, the blank wall of earlier having entirely fallen. He couldn't imagine that - how she could have grown up without those kinds of feelings. Or what kind of upbringing she must have had to not be able to contextualise them if she had had them. He had opinions on the rest of what she had to say, but he felt he needed that point dealt with first.
“I wasn’t--” Wren started, eyes downcast. “I know it’s strange. I know I’m...I’ve been referring to it lately as ‘broken’, because it’s becoming more and more clear to me that that’s the most accurate descriptor. But I got to the commune when I was six years old, and never left. Shortly after I arrived, I was hailed as the Prophet for our commune.” she said.
“When you’re a Prophet for a group of people, their link to Fate, to their own spirituality, when you’re built to be at their beck and call any time of day or night, when you have to...to serve a function, all the time, every day...you don’t get crushes. You don’t have friends. You don’t form those attachments, because then you might be compromised. I’ve told Adam before that I don’t feel like I’m a real person. That’s why. I don’t think I was ever meant to be.”
Kyle felt very much like he simply didn't understand. It was a strange feeling, but he couldn't connect with how that could actually even be. All his life he had been an incredibly passionate person. What she seemed to be describing was a life without any real emotion. Or, at least, one where emotion was largely switched off. he had been brought up in New York Society. He knew how to hide and school his emotions with the best of them when he needed to. he knew how to play cold, aloof, as though nothing touched him and he could deal with absolutely everything, yet that didn't mean he didn't feel it inside. It was all still there. What she was describing was something entirely different. He couldn't imagine it, save with a certain amount of horror. "And now?" he asked, searching for the right thing to say.
She could tell she’d thrown him. It was difficult to miss, after all. And with that, she looked away. In fact, she got up and walked farther into the room, in the guise of getting herself a drink of water from the bathroom. She drew a glass, took a drink, then leaned in the doorframe of the bathroom, looking back at him. “I really, really want to be.” she told him, tone quiet but with weight behind it. “I’m just certain I’m not suited for it by now. Like I’ve missed out on...everything, and by now, those mechanisms inside me are beyond resurrection.” she said. She took another drink. “But I’m trying. So hard. I have friends. I have you, and Adam, and Chester.” she told him, with a small, fragile sort of smile. It was brief.
“And obviously I’m not completely immune to...” she made another gesture, to indicate ‘everything’. “But I’m also obviously too ignorant in these matters to deal with them properly, or even identify them all without help.” And there was a deep shame in there, something clear in her posture and voice.
"Well, if there's anything I can do. I mean... At least with me you're not going to have to worry about finding I'm randomly crushing on you or anything?" Kyle suggested, trying to make light of the situation, since he didn't know how else to really react to this. He knew he made a terrible counsellor.
She smiled, though it was pale. "I appreciate the offer. And yes, I suppose that's a plus." she said, sighing. "It's okay. I know it's...hard to imagine, or understand, or..." she trailed off, knowing there wasn't much to say, really. "But, that's why, bringing us back around. Why I need these things clarified."
"In the meantime... Maybe best not to mention the idea of kissing someone who you don't actually have any intentions of kissing," Kyle told her, turning back to the monitor to continue reading. He was quiet for a few minutes while he scrolled down. "You know, you can throw a tantrum over friendship," he offered up, when he read how she had equated the fact that both of them had been throwing 'enormous tantrums' as clear evidence that Adam liked him as more than a friend. he wondered if that said anything to her about Kyle's feelings, even though he'd indicated the contrary.
"I realize that now. Though, at the time I didn't understand that it would be a problem in the slightest, considering." Wren said, finishing her water. She went to sit on the bed again. "And I know you can. But we both know that isn't why Adam was throwing his."
"No, I know," Kyle said, as he continued reading. It was hardly an important point, after all. "I..." He paused, breaking off from what he was going to say as something very definitely caught his eye. "Oh. Maybe - Maybe we were both wrong," he said, his voice sounding off. "Or maybe I was just very very right with what I said before. With this bit," he said, pointing at the screen. "Apparently I just happened to be 'fresher'." That hurt. It stung, even though Kyle told himself it had no right to. That he already knew Adam's tendencies. But if he had worried that he was nothing more than convenient before, having it confirmed so blatantly was a horrible experience.
Wren got up to stand behind Kyle, rereading the passage even if she knew what it said. She looked at Kyle instead of the screen, reaching out and putting a hand on the back of his shoulder, a light touch. "I...I apologize. I didn't..." she said, not knowing what to say. Though clearly, Kyle was...something. Hurt? Very possibly. She honestly hadn't thought about that when she'd told him he could read through. It certainly hadn't come to mind like it should have.
Kyle shook his head. "It's okay," he said, though his tone sounded forced. "It's fine. It's good, actually. If that's all I am, then he can get over me more quickly. So - everybody wins." He began scrolling down the page again, though the words weren't really going in. He told himself again that he had absolutely no right to be upset about that. It was simple. He wasn't interested, he wasn't looking for a relationship. He certainly wasn't looking for one with Adam. They were just friends and he had been the one to decide that. This was one of the reasons that he had decided that, when he had first got an inkling of how Adam maybe behaved. Yet, what if Adam had somehow managed to convince him earlier. If Kyle had actually responded differently when the other man had said he would like it if Kyle would try - those words would still have been written down on that screen.
Wren was quiet for a long moment. "You don't sound like you're telling the truth." she told him. Which wasn't the same as lying in her book. Because she didn't think he was. "...you're worth more than that. I think Adam...has real problems expressing himself. Sometimes I think he's even worse at it than I am." she said, not actually making an excuse for Adam, but she did feel like she needed to say something. For both their sakes.
"It's the truth," Kyle told her, stubbornly. "It's just - the truth isn't always the easiest thing to deal with. Doesn't make it any less true though. And I'm aware that Adam has real problems expressing himself. But - again - not easy to see it written down," he added, not saying what he thought he was worth, but he did think he was worth more than that. “And that - what he wrote there - it feels different to when I was with him. When he was talking about pain, and wishing that I would think about it, or consider it. But - it’s nothing new. Nothing I didn’t realise. I just - it doesn’t change anything, but it would have been nice to be wrong.” Kyle looked round and gave her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Or maybe that’s just my ego talking,” he joked.
She'd done a bad thing here. She could tell. She wished she could take it back now, though part of her wasn't sure it wasn't better in the long run for this to come out. Still, that didn't mean she was happy with herself. That showed in her expression, her posture. "I don't think anyone 'won' here." she told him, voice quiet. "And I feel like the Adam right there," she said, looking to the screen then back to Kyle, "Isn't the same Adam we both know and care so much about. Or, maybe you do, you seem upset but not really shocked, and I'm feeling very blindsided. Normally I'm more intuitive than this. But I suppose, when it comes to me...I'm never going to be at full capacity." She leaned against the desk. "When he was talking to me about you, when I was trying to help redirect him, he didn't sound like that. He didn't sound like you were...were convenient, or just the most fresh in mind. He sounded devastated."
"Then I don't know what to think," Kyle told her. He took a breath and stood, walking back to sit on the couch once again. "Anyway, we were talking about you, not me," he reminded her. He didn't want to dwell on him and Adam, and didn't want her to either.
"Seems it's all connected." Wren said. "I don't know what to think either. What do you think?" she asked. It was why she'd had him look in the first place. Because she was lost, and he might have a better perspective.
Kyle wanted to snap at her that he had just said he didn't know what to think, but he couldn't. Not when she was looking at him like that. "I think Adam will come around. I don't think you'll lose him as a friend. What I do think is that you'll have a guard dog, waiting for Charlie to screw up. I think if you prefer to fight your own battles then there will come a time when you're going to have to make that clear to Adam. And I think you're going to have to be prepared for him to try and defend you anyhow. It's just who he is."
"Do you think there's any way I can get him to not change everything?" she asked. "It still feels like I changed one thing, and now all of a sudden, nothing's the same, even if it shouldn't have anything to do with anything in that regard. I don't understand why it's got to change, when we were never romantically linked in the first place."
"I think all you can do is give him time, understanding and show him that, as far as you are concerned, nothing's changed," Kyle suggested. That would be his approach, anyway.
She nodded. "Do I bring up how unfair he's being?"
"Eventually, yes. Because Adam needs to know that he is being unfair. And that it's not okay. But it might not be something you want to lead with," Kyle suggested to her.
Wren looked unsure, still. She wasn’t good at not being straight forward. And while that wasn’t actually what Kyle was suggesting, she knew it would still be a mental shift for her. She nodded anyhow, taking it on board at the very least.
The artist could tell that she wasn't convinced and gave her a small smile. "All I'm saying is that if that's what you go in with, then that's negativity upfront. And with Adam being like... that-" He waved towards the computer, "-and with the conversation I had with him this morning, then I could see him clamming right up and not hearing anything else you need to say. If it were me - and it's not, and I'm not exactly renowned for giving great advice or anything, so you don't have to listen to me, but if it were me, I would settle Adam into the idea that you have no intentions of going anywhere. Tell him what you told me about Charlie - about the fact that the guy knows you and your background and is really into the idea of you having friends and not losing them. And then bring up the idea that actually, when he suggested that that might not be the case, it was really him reflecting badly on you, and that's a shit move of his. I think he'd be more likely to take that on board if he feels secure in his position with you first."
Taking that on board, Wren still wasn't quite sure how she was going to do this, but she was working on it. She had to attempt to let things sink in. She wasn't sure she'd pull it off like Kyle was suggesting, but she could try. It just felt different to her than it should. That and she wasn't known for her subtlety. Wren tended to be straightforward, and at the moment she was confused and hurt. So coming at the situation with some catering stance, that seemed far different than what she should be up to.
Kyle twitched slightly. She hadn’t said anything for quite a while and he was beginning to wonder if he’d messed up here. “...Talk to me?” he asked, sounding a whole lot less confident in that moment.
"Sorry," she said, sighing as she paced a slight bit, nervous energy hitting her. "I feel like I've done something wrong. On a lot of fronts. And I feel like it's...I understand what you're saying, and you're likely quite right that Adam would need to be handled that way. It just goes against my own ways of dealing with things. I'm...I'm hurt." she said, the weight of that seeming heavier when she voiced it. "I'm very, very hurt, and it all feels terrible. It's got me questioning everything. And I have enough issues, dealing with finding where I fit into everything without all of this too. It's difficult for me to process."
“Like I said - that’s how I would deal with it. You don’t have to do things the same way. Especially if it’s going to make you miserable to do that,” Kyle told her. He shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve handled this whole thing great myself.”
"Yes, but I know you're probably right." Wren said. "It's sound advice." she added. "And I don't think there's a great way to handle any of this, with how it's turning out." she continued, sitting on the bed again. "I mean...I keep trying to look at this, and I just can't find the threads of logic. I can't see it, where he gets from point A to point B. Usually I can. Usually, even if people are behaving irrationally, I can still see how it got there. But with this..." she made a gesture to the computer. "It's like it's a different language."
“I think he’s very confused,” Kyle said. “He doesn't know what he wants. I don’t know - the way he talks sometimes... This might be the first time that he actually entertained the idea that he could maybe actually have something he wants. And then with you and me it’s possible that he’s feeling like that’s all being taken away from him. Which... Is a very - I don’t know.” Kyle knew that wasn’t the most helpful of statements.
"With you I understand." she said. "He's had feelings for you for a while, and he just came to terms with them, and that's not going to happen." she said. "That part, I can understand how he would feel like maybe something's getting taken away. What doesn't fit in with how he was behaving the other day is what he said in that message to me. It's like I'm dealing with this incongruous piece, and I don't like it." she admitted. "And I still don't understand where he gets off having some...some strange reaction to my trying things with someone else, when he's been spending all of his time mooning over you in the first place. It's like a shot out of the blue. And not only is it a shot out of the blue, but he's using it to destroy a perfectly good friendship." She exhaled sharply. "I'm sorry, I know I'm going over and over things. I don't mean to. I just wish it made sense to me."
“He doesn’t have the right to have that reaction,” Kyle told her. “Even if he’d made it perfectly clear that he liked you, he wouldn’t have that right. Like he didn’t have that right with me and Leandro. It’s not fair and you don’t do that to your friends. Adam needs to get that through his thick skull.” Kyle sighed and shook his head. “Bottom line, the guy has been unfair to you. And I have to. I joked with him a few times that he liked you. I don’t think I was wrong, but maybe I didn’t help things. Maybe I put the idea into his head.” Kyle knew that he would have been happy enough if Adam had gone and found himself a nice girl. Of course, that had been when he thought different things about the guy’s sexuality.
"Sounds like he's been unfair to you too." Wren said, watching Kyle. Adam's wording in things still didn't fit in her mind, and she didn't know why it had come out like that at all. But she felt for Kyle on it. "You haven't been unfair to me. What did he say when you joked about it? And, honestly, if he started to like someone because someone else planted an idea, then that isn't a real emotion. That's just...being highly suggestable."
“I can deal with Adam from my side of things, don’t you worry about that,” Kyle reassured her, giving her a small smile. “When I brought you up, teasing him - he side stepped. He blushed a lot, said you were just friends, then...” Kyle looked awkward for a moment. “Then called me cute.” He got that a lot from Adam. Cute, pretty, other words that would be lovely to hear in any other situation, but here had always had Kyle trying to move them gently off the subject.
"And we're back to his feelings for you." Wren said. She absently drew a nail alongside a rune on her wrist, before rubbing the spot with the pad of her thumb. "I didn't know being a friend, and having friends was this complicated."
“I don’t think it’s meant to be?” Kyle suggested. “I don’t know - mostly I’ve gotten through life on acquaintances and the easy-come, easy-go type friendships. The people who jump ship at the first sign of trouble.”
"And my life has been full of cult members whom I wasn't at any point fraternizing with. I had one, single friend, and any others I made here." she flopped backwards on the bed to stare at the ceiling. "I appear to be bad at it."
“Or it could just be that you’re trying to make friends amongst a bunch of crooks and criminals,” Kyle pointed out, jokingly. That still played on his mind though. He tried to ignore it, but there were those moments when reality slapped him round the face and he almost panicked. Some days he thought the only thing that was keeping him sane was the fact that this place was nowhere near as bad as where he had been before.
Wren actually smiled at that. "That is possible." she admitted. "I suppose I don't think of people like that. This kind of environment...it's familiar to me. It doesn't feel the same to me as it does to others, I know. Others are here, and they know it's still prison, just a different kind. For me...this is almost normal."
“Normal? You mean like communal living?” Kyle asked. For him, the only part of this which was ‘normal’ was his art - and even that wasn’t truly so. He was constrained, he couldn’t go in the directions that his heart wanted him to. But he was forcing himself to live in the box he had chosen.
"Yes." Wren answered. "Communal living. Not leaving, just existing in one place, and trying to keep the peace within it." she said. Which she'd volunteered to help do. "I have extremely limited memories of anywhere that wasn't the commune. Then prison, now here."
“Did you like it there?” Kyle asked her.
"I don't know. It's like asking me if I was happy there. It's...all a mess. Doesn't really matter, I suppose." she told him honestly. "I'm not there anymore. I'm here. We're all here. And for the most part, things are bumpy but not fully rocky, and every now and then I get sent strange messages. Or have things thrown at my door. Is it strange that I'm not actually frightened?"
Yes. “No, I don’t think so - I mean, not being frightened is good, right?” Kyle asked, deciding not to go with his gut reaction.
"Objectively, no." Wren said. "Sometimes fear is the appropriate response. You're right, we are here with criminals. I've even been assaulted. Simply taking comfort in not having fear anxiety overshadowing your life doesn't mean it's intelligent. Or good."
“Then why aren’t you frightened?” Kyle asked her. He wasn’t sure what she was getting at here. What she wanted. Then again, maybe she didn’t know either.
"I don't know." Wren said, honest there too. "I'm just not." Sitting back up, she shrugged. "I suppose it doesn't matter. And I've likely kept you too long. I appreciate you coming to talk to me, though. And I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused," she added, still feeling like she had caused more harm.
“You haven’t caused any trouble,” Kyle was quick to reassure her, but he knew a dismissal when he heard one. He stood, smoothing down his jeans absently. “I’m always here - if you need to talk,” he offered. It wasn’t like they’d magically solved everything here. Or anything, more likely.
"Thank you. I appreciate it. And vice versa." she said. Which he knew, since he'd taken her up on it before. Thinking of that, she really wished she could do a reading for herself. It would make things easier. But she couldn't. So, she was left to wade through this mess blind.
Kyle hesitated for a moment, then crossed to pull her into a hug. “We’ll work it out,” he promised her. He didn’t know how long it would take, or how exactly that would work, but they would.
She was surprised, but hugged him back warmly. It did serve to make her feel a tiny bit better, even if she couldn't say why. "I believe you." she told him. Or she wanted to believe him. Either way, she was going to hold onto that.