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susan bones ([info]_boned) wrote in [info]refreshrpg,
@ 2015-02-23 20:21:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:! log, 1998-february, character: remus lupin, character: susan bones

WHO: Susan Bones and Remus Lupin
WHAT: Prof. Lupin told Susan he had some things she needed to take to Edgar Bones for her...
WHEN: Monday night.
WHERE: Prof. Lupin's Office
RATING/WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING: ED/ANOREXIA
STATUS: Ongoing.



She'd been fasting since Friday. Since she'd found out about her dad almost being kidnapped. Since she'd turned down Zach, which had made her feel terrible along with all the other things that made her feel terrible. It had been a crap day, and the weekend wasn't much better. Not to mention, she'd stagnated. She hadn't lost a single kilo in days and it was getting to her. If she could just focus on that, focus on the thing she could control, on that goal that was so unattainable, she could forget about all the other stuff.

Of course, some of the weekend had been nice. But she'd slacked on revisions, finding her focus was impossible to hold on anything for more than a few minutes. She'd spent most of the weekend sleeping, or hanging out with Ernie. He'd taught her how to play Gobstones. She was thankful for his companionship, but she was even more thankful that she was going to see her dad tomorrow. She hadn't wanted to admit it, and with things not going so well with her Uncle, she hadn't wanted to ask him. She could have waited until Hogsmeade, asked him to visit again, but she really needed to see him.

But now, she needed to pick something up. Professor Lupin had so kindly helped her out, gotten word from Healer Bones for her that Oscar was going to be having tea at Hogwarts the very next day, and asked her to pick up some things from him to give to her Uncle. She agreed, despite her absolute reluctance to see her Uncle any time soon. The walk from her dormitory to Professor Lupin's was a long one, and she felt cold the entire way despite the clamminess in her hands. She drew her cloak around herself a bit tighter, knocking lightly on the door as she got to his office.

"Professor Lupin? It's Susan Bones."

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 04:51 am UTC (link)
Remus had been a professor for fifteen years, and he'd known many, many different kinds of students in that time. Some impressed him, some worried him, some humbled him, and some frustrated him. Some did all of those things, and more. In a day colored grey after the altercation with Zoe Renaud, it had done him immeasurable good to be able to help out Susan Bones. It was unorthodox, yes- not something he normally would have intervened with- but he felt good about it, all the same.

Sitting at his desk, reading papers- as was his normal evening routine- Remus looked up when he heard the knock on the door. He'd been expecting her, of course, she he had his 'deliveries' ready for her there. "Come in, Miss Bones," he called, waving his wand to open the door for her.

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 05:05 am UTC (link)
The door opened for her and she smiled, walking in. "Hello." She returned his greeting, and walked inside. Susan was really grateful for him being so nice, and it showed on her face as she came inside. "Thank you for setting this up..." She said again, despite how many times she had already thanked him.

As she came into the room more, she meant to ask something about the packages - but just like earlier, she saw the room swim in front of her and she went to reach out for something to steady herself, but quickly passed out instead.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 04:37 pm UTC (link)
Whatever Remus had in mind to say in response to Susan's thanks, it quickly disappeared when the girl fainted away right in front of him. A moment later, he was knelt at her side, very gently taking up one of her hands, his other on her cheek- she was still breathing, but her skin was cold and clammy. This close to her, Remus could tell that she was unnaturally pale, as well.

"Miss Bones?" His voice was calm and yet urgent all at once. Remus knew that he could mobilicorpus her down to the Hospital Wing, but he wanted to at least attempt to get her conscious once more before he did.

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 05:27 pm UTC (link)
Susan came to just as quickly as she had passed out. She woke up on the castles cold stone floor, immediately feeling bruises rise up on the bits of her that had hit the ground hardest. She blinked and after a few moments she looked at Professor Lupin. "I'm fine." She replied quickly, sitting herself up. Of course that only made her feel dizzy again, she took a deep breath and sat for a moment.

"Sorry... I knew I felt under the weather." She smiled and tried to shrug it off, attempting to stand up and put distance between herself and her teacher. "I think I should go lie down..." If her uncle heard about this, she was going to be in so much trouble.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 05:36 pm UTC (link)
When Susan attempted to stand, Remus reached for her hand once more to stop her from moving too far. "Please, stay here, Miss Bones. It isn't safe to be up and walking about quite so soon after an incident like this." Brief though it may have been, there was always a reason behind it- and Remus wasn't keen to let her wander back off into the castle alone without discerning just what that reason might have been.

Remus stood, then, and offered both his hands to Susan. "You can stay here, with me, if you promise to sit. Pacify an old man's conscious, hm?" He offered a careful smile.

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 05:44 pm UTC (link)
Susan stopped trying to get up and make a quick escape when Lupin told her to stop. It just wasn't like Susan to disobey a teacher, even when every inch of her was screaming to get out. She remained quite still, breathing slowly and making sure the swimming feeling in her head was gone. She felt perfectly fine now. Well, fine enough.

Lupin said she could stay, which was a huge relief to her. She wasn't going to be sent to her Uncle, and she nodded her head in agreement, taking Lupins hands to help herself up. Her hands were visibly shaking when she did so. "I'll sit, I promise." She was a little unsteady on her feet, but made it to a seat just fine. "That was rather embarrassing." She said, trying to laugh it off.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 05:51 pm UTC (link)
"Fainting is, in my experience, very rarely a glamorous affair," Remus assured her, with a faint smile. He found a seat next to Susan, rather than at his own chair across the desk from her- this was more comfortable, familiar, and (he hoped) less intimidating.

Wordlessly, Remus summoned a small, wrapped piece of chocolate from one of his desk drawers. It was a well-known vice, of course, not to mention a boon after encountering a dementor. In this case, however, he had a feeling that a blood imbalance had caused her episode, and sugar would help spike that back toward normalcy. (It was strange, really, the things you picked up when you spent as much time around Healers as Remus did.)

"Eat, please. It will help put you back to rights."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 05:58 pm UTC (link)
"No, I suppose it never is." Susan let out a nervous laugh, watching as Professor Lupin came to sit down near her, as opposed to behind her desk. Aside from her Aunt and Uncle, she had never been very close with any staff and found it to be a bit nerve-wracking.

And then there it was. She spied the chocolate before it even got to Professor Lupin and she tensed, ready to get up and run. She hadn't eaten since Friday, she needed to wait until tomorrow to eat. She couldn't mess that up now, she's been doing so well.

"No, thank you Professor but I'm really okay. I should just take those things to Uncle Edgar for you and be on my way. Revisions to do, and all." She forced out a smile again but the panic in her face was evident, the shaking in her hands obvious as she wrung them together in her lap, trying to stop them.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 06:30 pm UTC (link)
"With all due respect," ah, there's that word again, "Miss Bones, but you just fained in my office with no prompting, so I think it's suffice to say that you are not okay." Even though he was disagreeing with her assessment, Remus' voice was still calm and even. "The delivery to Healer Bones can wait."

He glanced her over- the panic in her eyes, the shaking and wringing hands... There was something more going on here, but Remus couldn't quite decipher what. "Please, Miss Bones."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 06:34 pm UTC (link)
He was going to figure it out. He probably already knew. Did her Uncle tell him? Had they been talking behind her back, about things they didn't know anything about? Professor Lupin told her she was not okay, but she wasn't really listening. She was looking at the door. Would he stop her?

She wouldn't have said anything, but he said please. She looked back at him, a little unfocused, at the chocolate, right there. She loved chocolate. "No." She said, standing up again. A little too fast, she clumsily tried to move past the chair. "I can't."

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 06:48 pm UTC (link)
The chocolate was quickly set aside when Susan tried to make for the door- mostly because Remus was alarmed, certain she'd faint away again before she made five steps. "You can't?" Remus repeated, confused- and somewhat concerned- at her choice of phrasing. From where he was, the only thing it looked like she couldn't do was stay upright for long. "Miss Bones, you're going to hurt yourself."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 06:53 pm UTC (link)
He looked alarmed. It was so different than the cool and collected way Uncle Edgar always looked, like he knew what she was doing and thought she was stupid, another problem he had to fix. Deep down she knew that's not what her Uncle thought, but it always came to mind when she saw him. Professor Lupin however, looked worried.

It stopped her mad-dash back to her dorm room, because she didn't know what to do with worried. She worried, a lot, but it was like her family and friends all laughed off her worries and didn't have a care in the world. "I'm not going to faint again, promise. I'd just run here too quickly because I thought I was going to be late, and it was really nothing okay?"

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 07:02 pm UTC (link)
Remus sighed. "That's not a promise you can keep, Miss Bones, and we both know it. Fainting is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong, and you're much too intelligent to ignore such obvious signs. Saying it was nothing is lying to yourself- and to me."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 07:06 pm UTC (link)
So what, if something was wrong? She felt light, like she could just lift up and fly away. Like nothing was weighing her down. That buzz under her skin, that air-headed feeling in her brain - it was a combination she desperately trained to attain all the time. Airy, aloof, content.

And always just on the brink of passing out. "I'm not lying, Professor. I feel fine. I feel great." She said, giving him a smile and inching just a little closer to the door. "I don't need to eat." She said, her smile slipping. "The chocolate. I don't need to eat the chocolate."

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 07:17 pm UTC (link)
Remus wasn't delusional, of course- he knew that students lied to him. He'd done it, as a student, and things hadn't changed quite so much as all that in the years since. But this, here, was something more than that- she was covering for something, and, well, not doing a very good job of it, either.

But it wasn't until her words, "I don't need to eat." that Remus finally put the pieces together. The paleness, the shaking, the adamant refusal of chocolate. "Miss Bones, when was the last time you ate?"

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 07:23 pm UTC (link)
Shit. She wasn't thinking straight. Susan was doing a terrible job of this - she had to just leave. This conversation was going south rather fast, and he was asking her when the last time she ate was and he knew, he had to know.

"At dinner, with everyone else." She lied, maybe a little too quickly, a little to calmly to be as good a lie as it could have been. It wasn't true, obviously, she hadn't left her room all day, and was absent from all three meals in the Great Hall, almost since Friday. "I really have to go, its getting late."

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 07:26 pm UTC (link)
Remus nodded, slowly. He didn't believe her, no, but for the moment it was better if she thought he did. "Ah, yes. I remember, I saw you there. Forgive me, this old man's mind..." He tapped his temple with a finger and offered a smile. "The House Elves really outdid themselves with the shepherd's pie, though, don't you think?"

It was an innocent question- an easy one to answer, too. Except for the fact that Shepherd's Pie hadn't been on the menu for nearly two weeks now.

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 07:33 pm UTC (link)
Oh, good. It had worked. She stopped trying to make a run for it, which would just make her look more suspicious now that he was starting to believe her lie, and she relaxed her stance just the slightest.

"Definitely, yes. I'm not really a fan of Shepherd's pie, but that one was really good." She said back, having no idea what was even on the menu ever let alone in the last two weeks.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 07:42 pm UTC (link)
"I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want chocolate now," Remus added, leaning back against his desk as he watched Susan, "because after that three-layer chocolate cake they had tonight, even I might forgo the sweet for a day or two!" He smiled, again, though his mind was whirling. She hadn't eaten dinner today. How long, then, before that? Lunch, breakfast? Yesterday? Further still?

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 07:48 pm UTC (link)
Susan wanted so badly for this to just smooth itself over that she believed him instantly. He wouldn't be tricking her, would he? Not Professor Lupin, of course. She took another step back into the room and sat down, ignoring the shaking in her legs. She felt so tired.

"I know, I don't even want to see chocolate." She replied, hoping that if she just played along long enough, she could get the parcels for Uncle Edgar and get out of here without another thought to it.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 07:55 pm UTC (link)
He didn't feel good about lying to her, no, and Remus wouldn't have done so in any normal sort of circumstance. This situation, was different.

Still, he wasn't sure that he could let her leave still thinking that she'd gotten away with her ruse. Even if it meant exposing his own lies, it would be better if Susan knew that she wasn't quite so discreet as she hoped... right?

His wand was on the desk, and Remus reached for it to summon a few books off a nearby shelf. "I borrowed these from Healer Bones some time ago. I am quite grateful for his patience as I read through them at my own pace." Remus smiled as he handed the books over to Susan- but he hesitated as their hands both held the books, a moment there still and pensive.

Finally, he let them go, and added one thing more- his voice calm and even, though concern still laced through. "We didn't have Shepherd's Pie tonight, Miss Bones."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 08:00 pm UTC (link)
She watched as the books flew over to Professor Lupin, and were subsequently handed to her. Good. This was almost over. She was going to leave, and never speak to Professor Lupin again aside from class. This was too close, he had guessed too much and she couldn't let that happen again.

The one downfall of fasts was that she always found it a little more difficult to concentrate, she slipped up.

But it was fine now, better even. She had the books in her hands and was ready to get up and go when Professor Lupin admitted that they had not had Shepherd's pie that night, and she froze, half-seated, half-standing to go.

"Oh? It must have been some other pie then." She said, finally looking at him full in the face. Everything about her screamed shut up and leave me alone - her stance, the way she clutched the books to her chest, the way her mouth was set. But there was something in her eyes that was clearly begging for help.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 08:05 pm UTC (link)
"Hm, no," Remus shook her head, looking pensive- an act, still. "Chicken roasted with beans and squash, as I recall." He was pushing, too far, too much, but he'd started it and now he couldn't stop. Letting her leave would be admitting defeat, and he couldn't take another one of those today.

"Lunch, of course, was those little sandwiches that Headmistress McGonagall so enjoys. And breakfast- oh, the steel-cut oatmeal with fresh maple syrup and berries, yes?" He paused, meeting Susan's gaze. If she was silently begging for help, then he was silently begging to help.

"But you didn't know any of that, did you, Miss Bones? Because you're not eating."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 08:13 pm UTC (link)
He was listing all the food she hadn't even seen, and she could feel all the lies and all the time she spent hiding and covering what she was doing fall apart. Edgar had gotten close to it. She'd told him, but she'd been desperate to avoid him since then. And now here was another, her Professor, and he knew.

Susan didn't know what to say. She sat back down, still clutching the books to her chest, lost. There was no come back, no lie that would make this all go away. She could practically hear the way her heart was beating, so loudly, irregular with her anxiety and lack of nutrition.

"No." She said softly, a quiet admittance, a response that was clearly too tired to lie. She sat there and tried not to cry.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 08:28 pm UTC (link)
Her admittance- the confirmation of his suspicions and fears- coupled with her defeated reaction and sinking stance- it broke Remus' heart. He hated to see any student so hurt this way, of course, but he didn't know how to fix it. This was more than just a teachable moment. This was her health, and her safety. Her life.

Remus was quiet for a long moment. When he did speak, his voice was careful and gentle- and he used her first name, a protocol he very rarely broke. "You must know, Susan, that you're hurting yourself. It's more than just the fainting. The cold, the shaking, the lack of concentration. Not eating isn't control- it's a lack thereof, because it will spiral your body away from health and safety. And keeping secrets will only make you more anxious, which I think we can both see, yes?"

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 08:37 pm UTC (link)
The silence was agonizing. He was going to tell her parents, she knew he would. He had to, didn't he? Was that a rule? Susan honestly didn't know anyone else who had the problems she did. But maybe that was because no one talked about them, no one said anything about it. It was always so hush hush.

"But it feels like control." She said softly, holding onto the books now like they were an anchor. "Everything else - the anxiety, it just, it builds up. And if I just, if I just focus on food, on what I'm eating, I don't feel anything else."

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 09:01 pm UTC (link)
"But feeling- Susan, that's part of life!" He didn't mean for that to sound patronizing, of course. "Good, bad, and everything in between. We are here to experience things, and if we shut ourselves off out of fear of the bad, then we will never understand or appreciate the good, either."

He was quiet for a moment, then asked, "Would it be easier if I talked, for a while? We don't have to talk about food, Susan. Not right this moment. You can ask me something else, perhaps, and we can... work up to the more difficult things."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 09:08 pm UTC (link)
She didn't want to be patronized, nor spoken to about how amazing feelings were. Susan rested her forehead on the books, still cradled to her, letting out an audible sigh. But Professor Lupin allowed for a change of topic, sans food.

"Really?" She asked, lifting her head back up, cautiously. She set the books down on the table, folding her arms more easily around herself. "How do you ever come to terms with... the idea of losing someone you love?" She asked, her main worry in all of this, though not the reason she had started this whole diet in the first place.

"I was fat, you know. Before fifth year. I was teased. And then OWLS came around, and my parents were fighting..." Something no one knew much about, the fact that her mother and father didn't get along very well. "And it just... went from there. And the more I did it, the more weight I lost, the happier my parents seemed to be, you know, and the more I could focus. It was like, I can do well in school if I can just have the will-power..."

Of course, those things didn't relate at all, they made no sense. But to Susan it did, to Susan everything was tied up in her eating disorder, all her successes and failures in life had to do with a number on a scale.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 09:20 pm UTC (link)
The leaps in her logic were baffling, but Remus knew better than to attempt at dismantling them now. Telling her she was wrong wasn't going to fix anything- not any more than being patronizing would do. She was in that strange space of adult and child at the same time- someone who could, and did, make decisions for herself, but who still needed guidance, whether she saw that or not.

"I lost both my parents when I was not much older than you," he offered, finally. "They died in the war. I felt... exceedingly guilty. They had spent their lives caring for me- with my illness- and both died much too young. Yet, I was the sick one, and I survived- where was the fairness in that?" Remus shook his head. "It took me a long time to... come to terms with that, as you say. When the war was on, I didn't have time to think about anything else- it wasn't until much later that it all fell back on my shoulders. The guilt, the regret, the what-ifs... They plagued me for years- and I'm sure I wasn't the only one." Sirius, in Azkaban, or James, off to Merlin-only-knew where...

"Loss happens to us all, war or not, Susan. Loss of a parent, a friend, or just our own shedding of childhood and childish things. We cannot always control it, or stop it. What we can do, however, is control our reaction to it. How we carry on their legacy, how we choose to live our lives in their absence."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 09:35 pm UTC (link)
Of course, they knew some things about their teachers but Susan had not known the extent to which the war had touched Professor Lupin until just now. She felt bad for him - not pity, but genuine sympathy. She had just ALMOST had her father be abducted and she was going to pieces over it. He had actually lost both of his parents. She didn't even want to imagine what that was like.

But he was being open and honest with her. He had illness, too. Was that what people would say she had? obviously they were different. The way he spoke about his, it was something he didn't chose. She was willfully harming herself, on purpose. Jeopardizing her life. Susan never saw it that way, though. She ignored the cold spells, the clamminess, the dizziness and fainting... She even ignored the way her heart sometimes felt like it was going to break right in her chest, the way it beat so funny.

She was fine. Right?

Tears spilled out, running down her cheeks. She nodded her head, because she knew that was right. Her father, her uncle, and how Professor Lupin - they were right. She had been protecting herself in this way for so long, that the idea of feeling anything was foreign and unlikable. But now there was Ernie, and he was something good - she wanted to feel that, didn't she? She didn't want all her interactions tainted by the constant fear of food, the constant calculation of how much she was eating.

"I don't know how to stop anymore." She admitted, wiping away the tears, stopping them immediately as they fell. "Everyone else - they can just do these things. They can accept loss, they can learn to move past it. They can take anxiety and give themselves a break and calm down." She shrugged, at a loss.

"You're going to tell them, aren't you." It wasn't a question, but a statement. "My parents? You're going to tell." She knew he would have to, or at the very least, he would tell Edgar. She slumped back in the chair, exhausted.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 09:41 pm UTC (link)
Her fear was palpable, and Remus hesitated. He knew what he was supposed to do, but he also knew that doing so might set Susan straight back to where she'd been. That telling her parents or Edgar would erase any progress he might have made with her, tonight.

Bugger all, and hell.

"If I don't tell them, Susan, would you eat a meal with me? Just one meal, once a day. It can be here, in my office, or wherever else you'd like. We can just say that you're working with me on extra Defense lessons."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 09:43 pm UTC (link)
He wouldn't tell? Briefly, she felt hopeful. But he wanted her to eat with him. Once a day. She could do once a day - especially if she was careful, and didn't eat anything else, she could still lose weight if she ate just once a day...

But then, she was sure that wasn't what he wanted. She shoved those thoughts down. "Are you sure you... you're not too busy?" The last thing on Earth Susan ever wanted to do, was bother a teacher.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-24 09:47 pm UTC (link)
She was stalling, but Remus was determined. "I'm sure, Susan. After all, I have to eat, too, hm?" He offered a faint smile. "It would be nice to have company beyond my books and papers, I'd say."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-24 09:55 pm UTC (link)
"I suppose you do." She agreed, nodding her head. One meal. Just one meal, a day. A full meal. Susan wasn't sure she could even eat a full meal. "In your office?" She didn't want to eat in front of everyone in the Great Hall. It'd be suspicious, soon they would all know. But extra lessons? That was very much like Susan to begin with. That was believable.

"One. Just one." She said, out loud, though that was more for herself than for him.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-25 03:41 am UTC (link)
"In my office," he agreed, watching her carefully. "Whichever meal you'd like- and just the one, yes." Remus paused for a moment. He knew that she should eat something now, but they'd made progress enough and he didn't want to jeopardize that further.

"Now, why don't you get back to your common room, Susan. You can take the books to Healer Bones tomorrow."

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[info]_boned
2015-02-25 03:45 am UTC (link)
Lunch. Lunch was always the lightest meal of the day. She could do lunch. Nodding her head, she mumbled just one meal again, before standing up and sighing, taking the books and clutching them to her chest again. Like a shield.

"Okay." She didn't know what else to say to him, what else to do. Should she thank him? Part of her wanted to - but there was another, louder part in her head that wanted to say fine, fine, yes, okay, and then absolutely avoid him at all costs.

But then he'd tell her parents. Just one meal she reminded herself. "I'll see you - tomorrow, I guess. Lunch." She specified, before heading for the door to leave.

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[info]mindwithteeth
2015-02-25 04:00 am UTC (link)
"Until tomorrow, Susan. Goodnight." Remus watched her leave, waiting for the door to slide firmly closed before finally exhaling a heavy sigh. His hands came up to his face, pressing his palms to his closed eyes for a moment.

"Bloody hell. What am I doing?"

The books and papers gave no reply.

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