Entry tags:

! log, 1998-february, x-character: daphne greengrass, x-character: delilah selwyn

WHO: Daphne & Delilah
WHAT: Reconciliation. Also, Daphne is feeling a tad bit petty.
WHEN: February 12th, 1998, towards the end of dinner.
WHERE: Dinning hall, then somewhere else.
STATUS: Complete, GDOC.

Daphne was decidedly on her own. The last near two weeks, she had kept to herself and withdrawn. It didn’t look like it. She threw herself into her studies, but she still nodded to other students, and even made plans with some. It was almost inaudible, the hurt that lingered when her gaze fell on Delilah. What did she expect? They were Slytherins through and through. They were not the better person. They never would. Daphne lifted her quill from the notebook to sip at her drink. She was concentrated, secluded in her own little corner. She liked it better that way. Daphne set the drink down and ignored the chattering around her. She focused on scribbling some last minute notes, the ink and feather switching to a bright red color. It wasn’t bad writing. She was overlooking a first years essay, trying to help them at least get a passing grade. The problem was, they had no organization. She mused on this, sipping at her drink, red ink dancing across the pages as she corrected the errors.

--

Delilah had been avoiding Daphne all week, and whenever they did happen to cross paths, she was awful to her. It was her own shame she was feeling, really. It actually had very little to do with Daphne aside from the fact that Daphne was the object of her… unsavory desires. Delilah didn’t know what to do with it all. She had been taught for nearly as long as she could remember that muggleborns, homosexuals, blood traitors, they were all disgusting. Filth. Should be wiped from the face of the Earth. And here she was, both those things she hated and dreaded so much.

It was a lot for her to grapple with. Although she didn’t know for sure, Daphne had probably had these feelings before. Delilah had never really thought about it. Sure, she had been close with Calliope and Daphne plenty of times during the last 7 years, and maybe she had thought about kissing them… But she had excused those errant thoughts as being a good friend, she adored them, that was natural. Wasn’t it?

All of this had been driving her nuts, and accumulated in a very unsavory talk with Kevin that opened her mind up to a few things, whether she wanted to admit it or not. And she felt, this time maybe, she had to talk to Daphne. She had been staring at her all through dinner, half with anger and then half with something else entirely, before she finally decided to get up without having touched her food nearly at all.

She touched Daphne’s shoulder, lightly, and her face lit up with nerves. “We need to talk. Not here.”

---

Daphne barely spared Delilah a glance. She understood the avoidance, the anger. She’d expected it, really. What burned her was the fact that Delilah had said that it was okay. That Delilah had made Daphne trust her. Yet Delilah practically turned her back on Daphne. She fought to keep her face impassive, unreadable. Focused her attention on the pages in front of her.

“Oh,” Daphne said. Her voice was cool and untouched. Unwavering. She crossed out a word that was misspelled and jotted the correct spelling. Then, belatedly, she circled a sentence and drew an arrow a few rows down. Let Delilah stew in her nerves. Daphne had done it long enough. “It speaks.”

---

She was making Delilah wait. Of course, Delilah knew she deserved it - but she really wanted Daphne to understand where she was coming from. She had no idea how long Daphne had had these feelings, understood this about herself, but it was all new to Delilah and she had been raised to hate it. She could feel her anxiety rising as Daphne ignored her, finally saying an it speaks. She frowned.

“Please, Daph, I need to talk to you.” She urged again, tugging a little at her shoulder before letting go, taking a step back. “Follow or not.” She finally added, turning to leave the Great Hall before more people started to stare. She made her way out the door and into the larger hall area, heading towards the dungeons where their common room was, though she didn’t go far. Just enough to be out of eyesight and earshot.

---

Daphne waited a good few minutes. Was it immature? Probably. She was miffed. Rightfully so, if you asked her but she wasn’t about to let Delilah see how much she’d been affected. Daphne was good at hiding herself, good at shoving things away to deal with later. She snapped the notebook closed and stood from the bench. A few students peered at her anger curiously, but she ignored them and strode to the door.

“What do you want, Delilah?” Daphne didn’t wait to see the girl before she spoke. She knew where Delilah would be waiting. They practically grew up together, it was almost predictable. She pushed hair over her shoulder and narrowed her eyes at Delilah. Alright, so maybe the snub had hurt her more than she cared to admit.

---

She didn’t expect all the anger coming from Daphne, and felt quite ashamed. She looked down, unable to say what she had initially wanted to in the face of her friend and all the hurt she had caused her. “I…” She started, but didn’t finish. She looked like she wanted to cry, and she was clearly fighting with herself about what exactly to say. After a few moments of gathering herself back up, she held her tears and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Daph. Please, listen.” She began, running a hand through her hair. “I was raised my whole life to hate people like…” Delilah stopped, and reconsidered her choice of words. “To hate what I am, okay? I - I like you, Daph, more than I am supposed to. But… I don’t care. I want this, and you.” She admitted, her words now rushing out as if she wouldn’t say them at all if she stopped. “But I can’t just, move on to being okay with it all so quickly. And my dad - Daph, you don’t know what - “ She stopped again, because she couldn’t tell her. “Obviously he wouldn’t be too thrilled with having me turn out, you know, to like girls. Or well, a girl. You.” Although if he were a more loving man, he would obviously have approved of Daphne.

“Can we just… Wait, until school is over? Or, hide it, I don’t know. I’m terrified of all this, Daph.”

---

Daphne hesitated. She struggled to hold onto her anger and her jaw clenched together. She wasn’t a forgiving sort of person. Not normally. Delilah had always been an exception in that department. Usually, though, there was no need for that exception. Delilah never reached those buttons.

She waited for the words. Kept her face impassive. Lifted her chin a little as the words started spilling out. It wasn’t like Delilah to spill her emotions like this. “You think that’s what I did?” Daphne asked. “Just moved on? That’s not how it works, Delilah.” She crossed her arms. “I’ve had years to deal with this, I get that. This is new to you, I get that too but you don’t get to ignore me for weeks, treat me like some Untouchable. This isn’t about you needing time, Delilah. I’m not going to push you on that. I’m the last person in the world who would do that. But you can’t just toy with my emotions like this. I deserve better than that.”

----

“What did you want me to do? To say? I can hardly admit it to myself, Daph. I was trying to be nice, and then… I was angry, at you for making me feel this way, at first. Then I was angry at myself, for being this way. Then I was just angry, and now I just don’t know what to be because I love you and that’s not going to change.” She sighed. It wasn’t at all like Delilah to be emotional, ever. She had too many things to bottle up and hide away.

“I wasn’t trying to toy with you, you sprang that kiss on me and I didn’t know how to react. I still don’t.” She was trying to be honest, but Daphne was expecting too much of her. Delilah had no idea what to do here, everything was new and unfamiliar territory and she knew she was going to make a lot of mistakes. But she also knew that what she felt for Daphne was right, it was true, and it was real.

---

She wanted so much to forgive Delilah for this. To give into that urge. She wanted to reach out and hold Delilah and say that everything would be okay. But they both knew it wouldn’t. Not if it got out, not if this went beyond them. They would lose everything. They wouldn’t get their happy ending and that, more than anything terrified Daphne. She thought she could handle it, if things didn’t work out. She thought, maybe, if someone were with her experiencing this…. it hadn’t been right to pull Delilah in. She was supposed to be better than that.

If she touched Delilah, would she pull away? Be repulsed? Delilah said she wanted this but… how could anybody want that in this world? The consequences were very real, and she’d risked it all for Delilah. She knew it’d really only been a few days, but it was days of not knowing if she was going to be outed or sent away. Delilah had never been this unpredictable to her and that bothered her.

“You have no idea how terrified I was.” Daphne said finally. Her voice was soft, vulnerable. “Risking everything just to tell you. I know it’s a lot. I didn’t -- I didn’t expect you to like me back. I figured you’d leave me and that would be that. But instead…” It was this giant, confusing secret that the two of them were keeping. Trying to wrap their hands around. Daphne shifted uneasily. “I don’t know what to do, alright? I’ve never thought about after.”

---

It was the second most terrifying thing of her life. By anyone finding out she liked a girl, she somehow knew that would lead to people finding out she was a muggleborn. That her whole heritage was a lie. That her purism was just as much about herself as anyone else, and it was such a huge lie she knew she would never be forgiven. It was one of the first things she thought about after Daphne had kissed her, because how could Daphne ever forgive her, either?

For keeping that a secret, all this time?

“I don’t know, Daph. I just - I do love you.” She said again, her eyes unmoving from the ground, she couldn’t even look at Daphne, she was so afraid of it all. “And I - I’ve been thinking about that kiss, every day, every minute.” She admitted, glancing up now just the slightest bit. “How I wanted to do it better, different. Because I pulled back, I didn’t even get to enjoy the best kiss I’ve ever had.” She said wringing her hands in front of her now, nerves and anxiety making her shake.

“But - I just, it’s not just about getting caught. There’s, there’s something else.”

---

Daphne hesitated. Something else? What else could there be? Her fingers twitched, and she almost wished for her wand. It wasn’t like she wanted to attack Delilah it was… she wanted to back to the way it was before. Without either of them knowing any of this. She jutted out her chin, frowning.

She wanted so much to say that she loved Delilah too, but how could either of them know that now? When Delilah barely had time to register what it meant. Daphne had come to terms with what she was, had made plans so that if she did get outed, she had alternatives. Delilah hadn’t had time for any of that.

“Something else?” She echoed. “There can’t possibly be anything worse than going against everything our heritage teaches us, Delilah.”

---

“You’re right.” She said, shrugging. She had muddled up all that courage to tell Daphne about her, but stopped. Maybe, just maybe, she could enjoy this for a bit. Before everyone found out she was muggle-born and cut her off. Maybe she could feel loved, for just a little while.

“My dad, is all. I know you think he’s really lovely and everything, but he’s not who he seems to be.” She said, deciding on just a half-truth, just a part of the whole thing. “If he finds out, he’ll kill me. And I’m not being dramatic.” Given his history of abuse, and previous attempts on her life, she had no doubt he would kill her. And she had no doubt her mother would agree, this time. Especially now that they had their pureblood son.

Delilah looked around briefly, before she reached out and touched Daphne’s hand. “Can we go somewhere private, please?”

---\

Delilah’s father had been lovely to them -- at least when Daphne was around. She didn’t doubt it, though. This ….whatever it was …. it went against everything they were raised to be. She’d prepared for everything and she wanted Delilah to know that. She had the means. They just weren’t reachable until she could get out from beneath her parents. Daphne intertwined their fingers and nodded.

“I….” She began. “It’s …” Daphne sighed .”Alright.” She agreed. “But you have to know that I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. Whatever they throw at us, I --” Daphne frowned. “I’ve got it handled. If everything goes according to plan, by the time things get out it won’t matter.”

---

Delilah had not expected what came next. Had things handled, prepared? She rose a brow at Daphne but kept the questions for later. Instead, she dragged her into an empty classroom, whichever was nearest, and closed the door behind them. She took a step forward, just wanting to be close to her, their hands still entwined.

“Handled?” She asked, because she just didn’t know what Daphne meant by it, what it could mean for the two of them. “I don’t know if you could handle my dad, Daph.” It was meant to be sort of a joke, but it didn’t sound like one. “We have to be careful. He can’t know. He’ll come here and hunt me down and…” The fear, for the first time, that fear she had of her dad shone through on her face.

“I’m not just worried about what people will think okay?”

---

Daphne stared down at Delilah, reaching up to caress the other girls cheek. They seemed to guide each other towards the wall, away from the door.

“That’s why we wait.” She murmured. “Until after school ends. Until after we graduate. We wait and then go somewhere where it doesn’t matter what we are.” It wasn’t quite running into the sunset, but it was as close to a happy ending as they were going to get.

Truth be told, Daphne had already planned on doing this alone. Secluding herself. But if she didn’t have to do it alone, that would be all the better.

“I’m not naive, Delilah. I know what the world thinks of people like us. Even muggles would hate us.” Her lips twitched at the irony. “I understand why we need to hide. Just don’t push me away. Please.”

---

Running away. It was something Delilah had dreamt about since she was ten. Since she found out where she came from. But it was always a struggle, wondering how she would do anything. Sure she had pocket money, but there was a balance between saving it and spending it to keep up appearances that was difficult. She had some stockpiled away, in hopes that when she graduated she could disappear and forget all about Hogwarts, her family, magic. Everything.

“I’ve been planning that, too.” She said, leaning her face into Daphne’s hand, her breathing a little shallow. Her face looked soft, more so than it had ever before. She wanted this, that small touch was more comforting than anything she had felt in a long time. Here, she felt safe. With Daphne, and she wanted to hold on to that as long as she could.

“We’ll wait.” Delilah finally agreed, nodding her head and promising it to Daphne, even if she knew they wouldn’t end up running away together. Not once Delilah’s secrets came to light. But she would let that stay quiet, for now. Let them both believe they could be okay. “But before we wait… Will you… Will you try it again?” She said, hopeful, meaning the kiss.

---

Daphne didn’t wonder. She planned everything, straight down to the kind of plot she would settle down in. She was already looking into a job, something she could do at home and send out. Everything was coming into place. And maybe it was too much to hope, but maybe she could bring Delilah with her.

Daphne smiled a little at the thought. It was good to wait. The smart thing would be to wait. “I’ve half a mind to spank you,” She said wickedly, “Bend you over that desk there.” She grinned at her own joke.

“Don’t push me away, Delilah.” She murmured. “Please. I understand needing time, but if you humiliate me like that again, I’m going to make you sorry you ever had that kind of power.” It was an idle threat. There was no way she’d be able to hurt Delilah but nonetheless she had to voice it.

---

She wondered about it too, what it might be like to live far away with Daphne. Now that there was the seed planted, it was starting to grow - instead of all the little things she’d seen for herself, she saw Daphne there too. In a nice home, by themselves, loving each other without anyone to say or do anything to them. Hidden away, it was the most hopeful and beautiful thing she could imagine.

And then, her thoughts went from hopeful and beautiful to something else entirely. “You - what - I - “ She didn’t bother completing the sentences because she was blushing so furiously she might have exploded. There was definitely something to that saying ‘hot and bothered.’

Daphne asked her to not push her away again, and Delilah nodded. “I promise, I’m sorry. I have - I still need some time. I’m going to get paranoid, I’m going to get moody, I’m going to hate myself a lot. But not you, and I won’t take it out on you. I promise.” She said, reiterating it before taking another step forward and putting herself much closer to Daphne than before. “Can I..?” She asked, her voice barely a whisper, her lips close.

---

Alright, so maybe she’d said those things just to turn Delilah into a blubbering idiot. To disappait some of that tension. She grinned when it worked. Delilah was so cute when she stuttered. It was a rare site to see.

“I don’t know,” She murmured. “This sounds an awful lot like what you said last time.” Her fingers tugged at Delilah a bit, pulling her closer as she stepped forward. They were so close… Daphne pressed her forehead against Delilah’s. Her breath touched Delilah’s skin and she inhaled, letting her eyes flutter closed.

---

“I don’t think that’s exactly what I said.” Delilah replied, though her brain was starting to go fuzzy. There was part of her that - well, it wasn’t like she was disgusted at what she was doing, but that sat there going wrong, wrong, wrong over and over, but she didn’t care. It was fading with the way she felt, with how her body felt up against Daphne’s.

She closed the very very small distance between them now, pressing her lips against Daphne’s. Briefly, she wanted it to feel bad, or be bad, so that she could forget this all happened. But it was the best kiss she could imagine, and it filled her whole body up whole with a longing and joy she hadn’t ever felt before.

And she didn’t want to stop, either.

---

The kiss felt like home. It seemed to Daphne, that it didn’t matter what plot they choose, as long as they were together, like this, they could get through anything. This was home. It didn’t matter that it was dark and dank in the classroom, or that dust crawled into the walls. What mattered was Delilah’s warm lips pressed against hers, that someone was holding her, that someone was touching her, in a way that was more than friendship. Her heart did a little dance and Daphne felt her fingers twitch in Delilah’s hands. She lifted their arms, gently pushing Delilah further back until they were close enough to use the wall as support.

She didn’t ever want to stop or come up for air. Reality would come crashing down around them, but for now that didn’t matter. For now, she was home and she wanted to stay there if only for a little bit longer.

---

She liked this, oh did she like this. She never thought she could feel so good. Daphne pushed her into the wall and she didn’t even care. Delilah was forgetting about panic, she was forgetting about the shame and the hate and the awful things she felt. Everything felt amazing, and for a brief moment she really felt powerful, like things would get better. Like she could do that for herself - like, with Daphne by her side she could crawl out of this deep, hopeless pit she had been living in for so long.

There was no stopping the kiss. She wanted this more than anything and she wrapped her free arm around Daphne, pressing her in closer, breathing her in and feeling her soft body against hers, her hand coming to rest at her hip, feeling the way it curved… She couldn’t help the soft moan that escaped her as they kissed, feeling feverish.

---

This was it. Whatever happened after, this was the happy ending Daphne hadn’t dared to hope for. She concentrated on the kiss. She used one hand to steady herself, to press against the wall beside them. She curled her arm around Delilah’s waist, as if she could be the strength for both of them. Despite being so steady against the wall, Daphne’s breathing quickened. It was…. she shouldn’t be dragging Delilah into this. But she’d started too already and couldn’t stop.

Daphne smiled against that kiss as they finally came up for air. “Y’know,” She drawled, “For someone who doesn’t like women, you sure kiss like you’ve had practice.”

---

When Daphne broke the kiss, she felt both breathless and exhilarated. She’d never quite felt like this before. “Well it’s not like I’ve never kissed before.” Barely, that was just barely true. She had in fact shared two whole kisses with one boy in fifth year. One, a basic first kiss, the other, a vague make-out. It had been nice, but their relationship was short lived and that was that. She hadn’t thought about anyone until much more recently.

“Kissing a girl is a bit different.” Delilah mused, smiling a little. “Softer. I like it.” The confession meant something, it really did. To admit she liked something she had been so wholly against was a little moment for Daphne, a reassurance that she could change, that in time she’d be able to accept all the things she was having trouble accepting about herself.

---

Daphne had kissed girls before. In secret, there was nothing wrong with enjoying the company of females. It was when things got out that they got bad. She smiled at the kiss. Being so hesitant, gentle -- it wasn’t like her. She was confident in most situations. Even in having a good time with something so forbidden. It wasn’t like her to care so much.

“Good.” She mused. “I hope you do more than like it.” She laughed, dipping her head down to nip at Delilah’s neck. “We can go as slow as you want, Delilah. I’m not going to force you into this, I promise.”