InsaneJournal

Sirius casually mentioned to Lily that he wanted to talk to her and maybe she could come by his quarters and they could talk. He didn't know why and he had a feeling she might laugh at him but he wanted to ask her some things about... well... never mind that.

He set out two cups and heated some water for tea as he waited for her.

It was Sirius’s tone, if such could be conveyed through writing, that impressed upon Lily the need to acquiesce to his request sooner rather than later. It might have been an odd sight to see Professor Potter traipsing the grounds of Hogwarts on the weekend -- her half-time appointment did not require her continuous presence at the school, and she could hardly be accused of smothering her only child to death by constantly hovering -- but perhaps so many odd and unusual things had been occurring lately that if any student found it curious, they could simply and resiliently adapt as they had always done. Children were wonders like that.

Adults, not so much. As she paused outside of the doors to Sirius’s rooms, she briefly questioned where Remus was at the moment. Would she find him on the other side of the door as well? She had a sneaking suspicion such would not be the case, which had only added to her sense of urgency in coming to visit.

A few smart raps upon the door. “Oi, Black. You’d better be fully dressed in there.”

A quirk of a smile graced his face when he heard her knock and call out to him. "And just what would you do if I opened the door wearing nothing at all?" he teased back as he crossed to the door and opened it. He hitched a shoulder casually against the frame. In fact, Sirius was comfortably dressed in dark wash jeans and an old t shirt that had once seen better days. His feet were bare.

“Taken a photo, had copies made and plastered all over Diagon Alley,” Lily said back, giving him a purposely once over as if to emphasise her point. With a smirk playing about her lips, she mirrored his casual stance and crossed her arms. “Well?”

"I'm sure my fans would appreciate that," he countered. Sirius greeted her with a quick kiss across the cheek and a smile.

Then he stepped back. "Come in. I've got water on, if you're interested." Even though a lot of people might see Sirius and think he couldn't possibly be a tea drinker, he did believe there were times that nothing else would do. He was British, after all.

“I’d be hailed as a veritable hero,” she agreed, stepping past him into the room and shrugging off the seeming layers of clothing one needed to wear these days if traveling anywhere outside for more than a few minutes. “I am interested, anything, so long as it’s hot enough to curl my hair. It’s bloody freezing out there.”

The entire bundle was deposited on the coat rack behind the door, and Lily was grateful for the immense heat of the room, rather a miracle given the castle’s affinity for chilly draughts.

Sirius kept his rooms warm because he hated being cold. It reminded him too much of winters in Azkaban, and he did everything he could not to remember anything about those ten years. "I'll make it steaming then," he said. "I think I have some Argentine chile mint tea here if you're feeling daring."

He motioned for her to sit and then moved to find his tea leaves. "Not to beat around the bush, but I have two things to talk to you about, if you're willing."

“Sounds ominous, if it can’t be hashed out over journals,” she remarked, tone light but the look she gave him was serious as she took a seat at the table and rested her chin in her hand. “You know I am. I would not have come otherwise.”

He set out a few small pouches of leaves for her to pick through then poured them both a cup of boiling water. "I can't just want to see you face to face instead of staring at pages and imagining your disapproving expression?"

“For what difference it has ever made, my disapproval -- or anyone’s, for that matter.” She arched a brow, then turned her attention to the offerings and, after a moment, made a play for Oolong. “And now you’re stalling. Come on, Black, nut up and spit it out. What things have you to say that could only be said in person? It’s about Remus, isn’t it?”

He knew better than to think she wouldn't have been thinking about why he asked her to come by. He offered her a lopsided smile. "Half of it," he said. "So would you like that half first or the other?" He steeped his own tea then, a vanilla orange that he particularly liked.

Only half then, which piqued Lily’s curiosity further. She dropped her own tea bag in and sat back as if to brace herself for impact. “Might as well get the worst of it over with first.”

That wasn't exactly an answer, or at least not one he could translate. His worst and her worst were probably different. "All right," he said. "Are either of the Renaud girls in your class?"

“Lena is.” That hadn’t been where she expected the conversation to go, but the subject of one of her students, one whose uncle (gods, Dirk) had been killed so recently, put Lily on alert. “Why? What else happened?”

"How much of my duel with her on Friday did you pay attention to? Lena, I mean," Sirius asked, clearing his throat. The only things he really knew about teenage girls came to him from being a teenage boy himself, and he suspected that wasn't going to win him any points. Despite the fact that he was in a committed relationship now -- with a bloke, no less -- didn't mean that he wasn't an arse when it came to girls back in his Hogwarts days. "Zoe seems to have a level head on his shoulders, but Lena? The smallest thing sets her off. And I want to do something about it."

“Only when the screaming started.” That had pretty much caused the whole hall to pause and stare, perhaps the only time when Sirius had found himself at the unwanted centre of attention. “Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea for her to do this so soon -- she’s dealing with a lot. Her and her family’s names on that list. And then Dirk….” Lily sighed. Not everyone could be strong in the face of grief and stress, nor should they have to be. “This may be hard to believe, Sirius, I’m not sure your face is the one she wants to be seeing any time soon, given what happened.”

"Oh her hatred of me is nothing new," he said casually, even though he had no idea where it came from. He couldn't even recall giving her a bad mark in class or detention or anything. That wasn't what this is about. "I'm pretty sure she hates all men. She told me that when Edgar called her and her sister to his office to talk about Cresswell's death, she wouldn't go alone in case he 'tried something on her'. And then we have her rant on the journal network about what, to me, seemed to be a fifteen year old boy acting like a fifteen year old boy by whistling at her." He shrugged. Of course he was biased about that sort of thing, having once been a fifteen year old boy who liked to whistle at pretty girls. "I don't care if it's me that talks to her or not -- in fact I don't think it should be. But someone needs to show her that not all adults are the enemy. Because I'm pretty sure that's what she things right now. I'm volunteering you to take care of it, Lily."

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, Sirius.” Lily could only rest her head in her hands. “Take it from me when I say that girls do not necessarily want to be treated like pieces of meat, prizes to be won or challenges to be conquered by hormonal, idiotic teenaged boys. Maybe that boy needs to learn not how to act like a fifteen-year-old boy but a decent human being.” And well had she sent that message to James, underlined. Of course, her rant was cut short by what Sirius said next -- “...me?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and flapped a hand at her. It was fifteen-year-old boy but he wasn't going to argue the point. It wasn't worth it or the time spent arguing it. "Yes, you," he said. "She clearly hates all men. I asked her to come by my office to work on her dueling this weekend and haven't seen her since. And this isn't a school issue. This is a --" He gestured to Lily. "Girl question. Witch question. Whatever."

Lily could only give Sirius a look that fell somewhere between incredulous and annoyed. “Well, with the shining paragons of virtue between that boy and yourself, it’s rather hard to imagine why,” she finally said, and then, as she always seemed to when it concerned all things Marauders, threw up her hands in resignation. “Ugh, fine. Fine. I’ll try and talk to her. At least we have something in common, sharing space on such a dubious list.”

"The only thing I seem to have in common with her is that we're both gay," he muttered.

Then he looked over at her. "Thank you," Sirius said, sincerely. He meant it. He didn't know what it was about this girl that bothered him -- oh very well, he knew what it was; it was that she reminded him too much of himself, and he hated it. He filtered the tea leaves from his cup and took a slow slip, letting it scald his tongue.

At that, Lily quirked a smile. “Sirius Black, former Lady Killer, gay as a Swedish meatball. Who would have thought?” But her thoughts soon sobered as she wrested the leaves from her own cup and took it more cautiously. “So that was one.”

"I take offense to being likened to a Swedish meatball," he said with mock-disgust, but he couldn't help grin at her about it. "Yeah, who knew. Sometimes I'd like to announce it to everyone just to see their reactions. You know how much I like being the center of attention."

He breathed in deeply for a moment under the pretense of smelling his tea. Then he lowered his cup and nodded. "Right. So number two, right. Remus. It'll be five years for us this year," Sirius said, "And I want to do something special for him, but I don't want to fuck it up."

The reactions, Lily imagined, would range from mass devastation and sobbing from a large contingent of females to the usual pure blooded vitriol, with a dash of renewed hopes from some quiet boys too, however futile it still would be. The reminder of said relationship of her nearest, dearest friends (and she would never have been able to have predicted that twenty years ago) made her smile in fondness. “Well, it is as you say, if he’s managed to put up with you for five years, I should think there’s nothing you could do that would drive him away now. What did you have in mind?”

"Now I don't know about that," he said quickly, feeling the sides of his neck heat a little bit. "But that's the problem. I don't actually know what to do. I'm all out of ideas. Obviously, a full mini-break of nothing but passionate sex would be my first go-to but that's not really special, is it?"

“And so you consult the woman who couldn’t even hold on to her husband for more than three years before he off and ran?” she asked, arching a brow. Whatever hurt that lay lingering there was, for the most part at least, well in the past. At least enough so that she had long since learned to buffet herself with finding humour in the situation. “Well, hmmm. Let’s see. I like to think all any of us want is to know that we are well loved. Is there something Remus has wanted to do but was never able to for some reason or another? A dream unfulfilled? You could surprise him with that -- it would show you’ve at least listened to him.”

He thought for a moment. Surely, he'd be able to think of something that Remus would want to do, that he'd talked about doing as Lily said, that he could do for him. He nodded a few times, glancing off a bit blankly at the wall as the wheels turned in his head. "Sure, I'm sure there's something," he said, a bit sheepish that he wasn't able to suggest something straight off. Which might show that he didn't listen all that well all of the time.

And upon seeing that blank expression, Lily could only raise her brows and declare hastily, “Right. Okay. We’ll keep that one in our back pocket, shall we? How about...a revisit of history? The good parts, I mean, of all the times and moments you two shared? This relationship did not just come from nothing. It was built, moment by moment. Showing Remus all the times and places where you fell just a little bit more in love with him might be...nice.”

Sirius blinked. "It was here," he said. "Pretty much everything happened here at Hogwarts." And he didn't really want to spend the time celebrating the two of them at the castle. "I don't know, Lily," he said. "Maybe I'm just no good at this relationship stuff. I suppose I could -- I dunno. Take him to the British Museum or something? We went there once after I got out of Azkaban. His eyes lit up when we saw that big stone thing with all the etchings on it. What's it called?"

“The...Rosetta stone?” she supplied cautiously. But, perhaps a little bit desperate now for something, anything, to latch onto, went with this, “This is a good start!” she said enthusiastically -- perhaps a bit outsized, that, as if she were applauding a child who had learned to successfully evacuate his bowels in the toilet and not, say, in his trousers. “Remus enjoys learning and culture. And you seemed to enjoy him enjoying those things….”

"Yeah, Rosetta, that's right. I couldn't read a word of it but I guess some of it was Runes. Never took that class." Sirius shrugged. "Sure, I enjoy whatever it is that Remus likes. I like making him happy so if that stuff makes him happy …" He waved a hand around again to finish the thought for him.

It was a decidedly underwhelming gesture, Lily though, frowning and pursing her lips. “Perhaps it should be something you both enjoy. That you both enjoy doing with each other.” And then she rolled her eyes, forestalling the rejoinder she was sure was coming. “Not just sex. Surely you’ve had...many dates, right? Or...outings?”

Of course he had been about to say 'sex' because that was the best thing the two of them did together. So even though Lily cut him off before he could make some crude comment hoping to make her blush, he still wagged his eyebrows. "Dates? Like -- dinner and a film dates?"

“Or other things along the lines of your Museum outing.” Lily did not dare to deign Sirius’s eyebrows even the slightest bit of reaction. “Anything you two have enjoyed doing together -- that is not sex. You know, Sirius, it’s not always about the thing you do that makes something special, it’s about who you were with. A five year anniversary does not have to be some...grand gesture. It’s about...showing Remus that you value the time you two have spent together. That’s all we really want to know and have affirmed.”

'We' she said, as though she and Remus were so much alike, which he realized was probably truer than the other way around. "We enjoy just being together, Lily," he admitted. "I mean -- he can be sitting here on the sofa with a book open and I could be fiddling with a new transfiguration technique and we're not even talking but that's just enough. I mean, I can hear his heart beat and I can smell him and it's just -- that's what works for us."

Sometimes he could sit there with a hand on Remus's leg, or Remus's shoulder pressed up against his, or their thighs aligned. Sometimes they didn't even need to be touching. "The only thing is --" he started, but then stopped and shook his head.

Lily’s brow furrowed. “No. What is it?”

He started to shake his head again because it probably wasn't anything they could do about it. Anything he could do about it. "It's just that sometimes I wish we didn't have to live a few corridors apart, that I didn't have to go over there to see him. That we can't always spend every night together. That probably sounds pretty stupid. It's not like it's a long walk for either of us."

“I don’t think it’s the physical distance that’s bothering you --- well, not entirely,” Lily noted, giving Sirius a keen look. “It sounds to me the larger issue at hand is...is not being able to acknowledge publicly your relationship. Think about it like this: what’s stopping you from asking McGonagall to have shared quarters? Are you afraid of what she’ll think? Of what the students will think?”

"I don't give bollocks as to what anyone thinks. And Minerva already knows. I mean, she figured it out herself but I don't think we could keep something like that from her." Sirius shook his head again. "I just don't want to push Remus into anything he's not ready for. Living together -- here -- would be a big step, and it would mean coming out. I'm fine with it. I don't think he is."

“You could always tell him how you feel,” Lily said gently. “Remus is an intensely private individual, sure. He fears rejection -- certainly. I think, however, he loves you more than any of those things. And, ultimately, and you know this well, Remus sometimes has to be prompted into taking that next step. Perhaps it’s time. Oh -- not to run roughshod all over him or to suddenly thrust it upon him the manner you have...I mean….perhaps it’s a subject you need to have a discussion with him about. Is the plan to always live a few corridors apart?”

In truth, Sirius couldn't recall ever really having a 'in the future' discussion with Remus. As long as they were at the castle, they lived apart. When they weren't at the school, they stayed together. Some small flat they had in Diagon together. He liked those days, during hols, when they escaped the castle and didn't have to pretend. Not that they pretended, really. They just -- Sirius heaved a deep breath. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we just have to talk about it." Not that that was an appropriate anniversary gift though.

“Not that that discussion is an appropriate anniversary gift,” said Lily, and if she knew she had voiced Sirius’s thoughts at that moment, she may well have had an existential crisis indeed. “You’ve described what works for you….perhaps...perhaps that’s all you really ever needed, more of that. An uninterrupted weekend alone, away from the castle if you prefer, to just simply...be. Be in each other’s space, make each other a nice supper. Take long -- or short, it is winter after all -- walks around the neighbourhood, maybe a nice one through forests. Do the things you both love the most. If that’s what truly works for you.”

His eyebrows shot up when he heard her give voice specifically to his thoughts. "I know," he said quietly. He leaned forward with his elbows on the table beside his cup of still-hot tea. He considered everything she said for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah, thanks, Lily. Maybe over Easter hols, in a few months, when Remus can get away with getting away from the castle for a few days." He smiled over at her. "Thanks."

“You know, love is such a rare and precious thing. It is so difficult to come by and so easy to lose. Perhaps that is why we treasure these kinds of anniversaries so much. If you’ve made it five years, darling, know that he’s clung to you as much as you have to him, and that’s not nothing.” She smiled and brought her cup back to her lips after giving him a salute with it. “Here’s to five more, at least.”

That was all a little overboard and sentimental but he didn't say so. Of course Evans would say something like that. "Well, I'm sure not doing this all over again," Sirius said. "A relationship, I mean. So it'd better be at least five more years or even more or forever," he said, quite casually.

Lily only rolled her eyes. “One can only hope. I can’t think of anyone else who would be able to put up with you for that long.”