InsaneJournal

It had been a few days since she'd seen William and they'd discussed Corner. Since then, Bina had shut down. She threw herself into work and training, spending long nights at the office and fucking away her problems when Rufus or someone else insisted she go home. Home wasn't a place she wanted to be. The flat felt empty without Will's presence which was ridiculous considering how long she'd lived alone before meeting him. And she didn't want to see him. Because if he didn't trust her, then.. then they had a problem. Not because of the plan, screw the bloody plan that was basically out the window anyway. She'd fallen for William, hard, and she wanted the stupid happily ever after with him. Even if that was just a child's foolish dream. She wanted to be loved.

She let loose another string of curses on the mice in the training room, eyes blazing with hurt and fury before her catharsis was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Auror Bulstrode? Mister Rosier is here to see you. And your elf is with them."

Bina fumed. It was after normal Ministry hours, what in Salazar's name were Will and Zinny doing here? She was sweaty when she walked out of the training room, tugging on a tank top over her sports bra and redoing the messy ponytail her hair was tied back in. "William," she said sweetly, pasting on a smile for the benefit of the reception witch and others. "What can I do for you?"

Will thought she'd been ridiculous about the whole thing, and had been privately quite annoyed with her. Where were her priorities? That she would care about a side piece that she was willing to endanger them? That she was so reluctant to cut things off? If things were useless or a danger to you, you cut them off and out. Simple as that, yet apparently she couldn't embrace the concept.

For the last few days he'd decided to leave her be, let her cool off and come to her senses. So instead he'd used his extra time to visit home, his sisters, and hook up with an old out of town dalliance. As far as he was concerned he'd rather give her space now, maybe in another few days he'd check in on her.

But Zinny apparently had other plans. Her elf had come to him in a worried panicky state about the Mistress not having been home for days. Apparently Bina had taken that conversation worse than he'd thought, totally needlessly too if you asked him. But Will decided it was best to address this now, see if he could do something about this issue.

His smile was sweet and charming, but fake to those who knew him well enough to tell. "It's rather late, I thought we could head home together. They said you had no urgent cases and we did have dinner plans, but apparently we lost track of time and Zinny's prepared dinner already." Not true but it was for the benefit of the reception witch who might overhear.

"My apologies, darling," she said as she gave him quick kiss on the cheek. "You know how time gets away from me." She was fuming, but a quick glance at Zinny showed how distressed the elf was. "Just let me get my things."

Bina headed towards her desk, making sure everything was put away and locked before pulling on her jacket and buttoning it up. "Alright," she said, giving Will a smile as she took his arm. She said nothing as they made their way to the lobby and then flooed to the flat. As soon as they were through and the soot brushed off, Bina spun on her heel. "Mind explaining what the hell that was about?"

His face was stony and rather unreadable by the time she spun on him, unphased by her anger since he'd been expecting it. "Apparently you haven't been home in days and I had a panicked elf on my doorstep being frantic about it," he said evenly.

"Zinny!" Bina said, spinning on the elf. "Why did you do that. I'm fine. I don't need you fetching William."
"But Mistress hasn't been to home or to any of the flats in days-"
"It doesn't matter, Zinny-"
"And Mistress isn't eating. Zinny knows. Mistress doesn't touch the food ZInny sends and Zinny's friends at the Ministry say the same thing. Mistress needs to eat-"
"Mistress is fine, Zinny. Now please just go away. I promise I'll eat something tonight alright? And we'll talk in the morning."
The elf looked like she wanted to say more, but instead disappeared. Bina sighed and turned on Will. "I'm sorry she bothered you, but I'm fine so you can go home now."

Will listened to the exchange with a slight raised eyebrow to Bina which was still there when she turned to him. Not eating and not home in days? Did the idea of letting Corner go bother her that much? Really? Even he was getting miffed at that, he'd thought...that she had more ruthless tendencies than that. That she was practical about those things, that she had her priorities right.

Apparently not.

"That bad hm? Asking you to let Corner go was that bad?"

"What?" She asked, giving him a strange look. "Oh, no. I mean, yes, you're being an idiot about it and he's not a threat, but that's not the problem. I said I'll deal with it and I will." No, she'd already planned to talk to Corner. She knew he would understand. That was the hardest part. But this was about Will and Bina being completely at odds on such simple things. And about trust. And about her silly childish fantasies.

Will seemed annoyed that she'd brush that off so quickly but sighed and shook his head. "Then what is it?" He didn't think she was necessarily fine with cutting off Corner, her reaction days ago said as much, but her reluctance to do it had been the crux of his problem with her for the past few days.

"Us." The word came out quietly, and she turned away from him, undoing the buttons of her Auror uniform jacket and folding it over the back of a chair before heading for the bathroom. She needed a shower and she didn't really care if Will came with or not. She stripped off her tanktop and tossed it in the hamper before sitting on the edge of the tub to unlace her boots.

Will bit the inside of his cheek and frowned at her as she walked off. What was she doing? He certainly couldn't leave after that, if they were the problem according to her then he had to do something about it. Heading to shower wasn't going to throw him off, he wasn't going to let her stew and the problem fester, he was too annoyed right now to allow it and there was enough at stake here. So Will followed her to the bathroom, brow furrowed as he watched her undo her boots. "Sounds about right," was all he said as his eyes stayed on her face even though he couldn't quite see it with her bent down and unlacing.

For her part, Bina avoided looking at him as the boots came off, followed by socks and trousers before her knickers landed on top of the pile in the laundry basket. She let her hair, down, running her fingers through it to get out some of the tangles before stepping into the shower, keeping the water cold at first and facing the wall to hide the tears sliding down her cheeks.

He stood there, waiting for a response though well versed enough in how Bina worked to know he wouldn't be getting one. Of course she would go about things like he wasn't there, of course. And really his only real options were to join or turn and leave now, waiting it out wasn't a real one and he knew that if he left now things would only be worse and he'd lose things here.

Sighing, in a little frustration, Will undressed and put his clothes over the side of the tub before stepping into the shower behind her and closing the cabin door behind him. He didn't approach her or close the distance between them, he just stood there letting the cold water soak him as he watched her back. After a long silence he finally spoke.

"I would do it for you, you know."

She tensed slightly when he stepped inside the shower and the reaction surprised her. But this was will. And things with him had gotten to the point where... Well, where he was making her reevaluate what she valued and what she wanted. And making her act like a smitten school girl.

"Do what?" She asked, her voice tight from the silent tears. She'd just been standing under the cold water, making no effort to soap herself or wash her hair and goose pimples were rising on her flesh.

Will sighed before answering, most of his annoyance oddly gone. "Let anyone I have on the side go if you asked," he said simply, his voice calm and close to matter of fact and at least honest as he leaned forward to turn the heat up on the shower.

"Name any of them. Any, and I'd let them go. And I'd do it because you were the one asking. Yes, I'd ask for a reason, but that wouldn't change the fact that I'd let them go regardless of what it was."

She wasn't sure what it said about William. Obviously he was invested in this, but could he really be that heartless. She'd seen how he was with his sisters. "Even if you said no, if any of them was an issue, I'd be tempted to just take care of them."

Bina shivered as the water warmed up. "And me? Would you toss me aside as easily if there were no more benefits from our arrangement?" She whispered.

Will shook his head, she wasn't getting his point. "You wouldn't have to take care of them, because I wouldn't say no." But he paused before continuing, her next question surprising him slightly. But when he spoke again his voice was a sincere one. "Bina...I told you, you and I against the world. I'm willing to throw them aside for you and because of you, because they don't mean anything to me and you do. We come before them, wasn't that what we said? No dalliance is more important than us, and I don't want there to be even a pause when that question comes up. You come before them for me, easily and every time." He paused, unsure of how to put this but needing to say it. "I wanted that to be true for you too."

He wasn't answering her question and she shoved her face under the spray to wash away the tears. Why was she crying about a boy. This was stupid. This whole thing was stupid.

"You do," she said quietly, straining to keep her voice even. "But it bothers me that you don't trust me. That you don't believe me when I say he's not a threat. I don't want to lie to you, Will, and I haven't thus far. Hell, I l- I want this to work. And not just for the reasons you think or suspect. But it's more than just business now. And it's messy. And I won't be one of those couples that pretends everything is fine in public while it's not. I won't be them. And maybe that's all I can be and maybe this was just a stupid idea even if I do l-" the last words got swallowed as Bina put her face in her hands and pressed it against the wall. This was a mess and she didn't want him to see her like this, not when she's nearly slipped up and admitted to loving him twice now.

"Maybe we should do this another time," she mumbled.

Will didn't like these conversations, they required a level of honesty and vulnerability to pull off that he was uncomfortable with. But he shook his head even though she couldn't see it, no they couldn't do this another time.

Reaching out for her arm, Will gently tugged on it to try to turn her towards him, this had to be face to face. "Bina, it's not that I didn't trust you. I believe that you believe he's not a threat, and...he probably isn't himself, but someone else can use him against us. And you seemed so reluctant and against letting him go that...I didn't know that if it came to it that you'd put him aside. That you'd put us first...That you'd put me first." He looked down and bit his lip, not liking even saying that part but it was already out. "I'm willing to do that for you and it didn't seem at that moment like you'd do it for me so...I shut down. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't shut down with you like that."

When he looked up her he seemed...unsure. He was usually self confident and never let those lapses show, but here she was almost admitting things and he couldn't be as collected as he had been minutes ago. Not here. "I want us to be a team, I don't want to ever doubt that everyone on the side is just that, on the side, you come before all of them for me and..." Salazar why was he saying these things. "I want to come before all of them for you." Nothing would work otherwise, it really wouldn't and in the past few days he'd been quite sure that she'd put a lot of things above them, too many things.

"Salazar, William..." She whispered, cupping his face in her hands. "You come first, can't you see that? I didn't want to come home when you weren't here. I'm willing to go toe to toe with my mother over you. I'm just-- my parents... I've spent the last twenty years swearing I would never marry. And I thought I could make it just be business with you but you're....and I... And I want things with you I promised myself I would never want. That I shouldn't want. But damn you, William, I want you. I want to be married to you and I don't know how to deal with it. And fuck, if it takes me giving up Michael or Lyra to convince you of that, then I'll make it happen. You are worth it to me, William. It's bad, and wrong and I shouldn't but you don't get what you mean to me.."

By the end of her monologue, tears were flowing down her face again and she bit her lip. Fuck, what was she doing. "I'm scared, Alright? Of what I feel for you... Of this..."

As he spoke Will stared, searching her face and eyes to see just how true this all was. The problem was that it was all a little too true, and he seemed...a tad stunned and thrown by all this. As a personal rule it was better to slightly undershoot how much influence you think you had over a person, and while he knew he'd gotten to Bina...he hadn't thought he'd managed it to this point.

Will opened his mouth to say something but for once he didn't have words for the moment, the man who used a silver tongue to get by in life had nothing to say. Words wouldn't work here, even if he could find them, so Will cupped her face in his hands and pulled her towards him for a kiss, long and tender and oddly vulnerable for them both. Instead of pulling away after, he rested his forehead against hers, stroking her wet hair gently as he kissed her eyelids to try and soothe the tears.

She trembled then, pulling back from them as the weight of her words hit her. "I... I should go.."

Will knew he probably looked a little lost, he was naked, soaked, and confused with water running down his face. Go? This was her place. "Bina..," he said as he reached for her hand. She was pulling away and he didn't know what to do now.

Bina pulled back sitting down on the bench in the shower and hiding her face in her hands. She'd said too much. That much was obvious. Maybe she should just obliviate will. It was a bit extreme, but it would take care of things. "Were we fools, Will? For thinking this could work?"

Will sighed and went to sit beside her, putting an arm around her and pulling her in. "No, I wouldn't call either of us fools," he said gently while looking out at one of the shower walls. "If we thought it could work, then there's a good chance it can." She had her face buried in her hands so he leaned down to give her bare shoulder a kiss. "Give us a little credit, as messed up as we are."

Bina leaned into him instinctively. "It's not going to work if we doubt each other.." She said quietly.

"You're right," he said quietly and rubbed her shoulder. "So we can't doubt one another."

"How the bloody hell do you teach a snake to trust another snake?" She asked quietly, turning her head into his shoulder as she wrapped an arm around him. There was a possibility she was signing her own death warrant with this, but Cambina Bulstrode was, apparently, a fool for love. "You do come first, you know. Even when you piss me off, you come first." Even though she suspected his sisters came before her to him. Circe, what a fool she was.

She probably was, but it wasn't something that would be an issue for a while, Will had to focus on getting her first. "We'll find out I suppose, people have managed it," Will replied gently as he rested his head against hers. "I wasn't sure," he admitted to the next part. Actions over words after all.

"I'm just not used.. To being accountable to anyone. I fuck who I want, when I want and that's how it's always been. I didn't think there would be any issues so I was .. Unprepared and I reacted badly." She took a deep breath. "It won't be a problem ending things with Michael. He expected it and I .. Well, i had been worried things would change anyway. Because we can't kid ourselves, this isn't just going to be us the way it's always been. It'll be different."

"Different isn't always worse," Will reassured her. "But thank you. And you know you can tell me the same about any of mine."

She shook her head. "They don't bother me and they're not an issue." She got to her feet wearily. "Help me wash my back?" She asked as a peace offering.

Will gave her a soft smile and got to his feet to join her. "Sure."

She stretched under the spray of the water before taking the soap in one hand and pulling will under the water with the other. She began lathering him up. Even though it had only been days, she'd missed this. "Can you stay tonight or is there somewhere you need to be?"

"Nowhere, I can stay," he reassured her, putting his arms loosely around her waist to pull her close as she lathered. "You? Not avoiding this place now?"

"Don't need to anymore," Bina answered simply, crouching down to wash his lower half, hands massaging as they went. She looked up at him. "Are we okay?"

"We're okay," he smiled down at her. "On my end at least, are we okay for you?"

Bina nodded, letting her hands linger more than necessary as she got to her feet and kissed him slow and tender. "I think so. This is...so different for me, I think I just need you to be patient at times. And feelings make it messy."

"One of us is the more patient one," Will teased gently and returned the kiss. "I can do that though, patience is a small price."

"You know, you are welcome to keep things here. Or else I think Zinny will just get you an entire wardrobe to keep here.." Bina said shyly, not meeting his gaze because she wasn't sure how he'd take it.

The offer surprised him slightly, eventually it would've happened but he didn't expect it just yet, it was a good sign though. "I suppose I can give Zinny something to do," Will smiled, tilting her chin up so he could give her a long kiss. "I am over often enough as is."

"And the wards are already keyed to you.." She added, which had been an action of trust in and of itself, though one she hadn't made a big deal of. "Besides, apparently Zinny seems to think you're her master and the person to go to when she's worried about me."

"She certainly worries quite often too, though I didn't expect her at my door," Will admitted. "But it's good she did in the end."

"Well, she'll probably start worrying about you as well. And actually insist we eat food instead of just drink," Bina teased, handing will the soap so he could wash her.

"Sounds like having a mother instead of an elf," Will rolled his eyes with a slight smile and took the soap from her. He began lathering her up, starting from the waist and working his way up, admittedly less thorough and more to slide his hands over her body again.

"You've had her cooking," Bina said as she leaned into Will's touches. "It's worth it. Plus she knows her way around a wine cellar."

"And we certainly know how to drink our way out of one," he teased, hands sliding up over her breasts and taking a bit longer than necessary before they moved on.

Bina chuckled at that and pressed into him. The tender actions were no longer as strange as they once might have been. She kissed him slow and tender, sliding one leg between his. "So... I think you should join me on holiday this weekend once you finish up with the girls in Hogsmeade."

His hands rounded over her shoulders and slid down her back, only half using the lathering excuse now. "That sounds nice, where were you going to go," he asked before kissing her as his hands slid lower to cup her ass and pull her against him.

Bina wrapped one leg around his hips and kissed his neck. "Just down to the Azores for a few days. Some pampering and an attempt at relaxation."

This was more them, this rather than vulnerable showers. "I like how you say attempt," Will chuckled and moved to press her against one of the shower walls.

Bina rolled her eyes before wrapping her arms around Will's shoulders so she could get both her legs around his hips and tease him. "Well, I'm a workaholic. Some things are beyond my capability."

"Maybe we'll pull it off, it's only for a day or two.”