InsaneJournal

It was only a day away from the New Moon, and the absence of moonlight meant two things- the stars shined as brightly, in perfect and clear view, and Remus felt as free from the moon's influence as he would that month. These few days around the New Moon were often some of the happiest for Remus, for that latter reason alone- but, of course, whatever joy he might have normally found in the time had been dashed the night before.

He wasn't surprised when Edgar hadn't been at the staff table that morning, but Remus wouldn't allow himself the same liberties- he had five classes to teach that day, and lessons to oversee before dinnertime, and he was nothing if not practiced in concealing his emotions. But once that final lesson was done, Remus found his way back to the rooms he shared with Sirius. Normally they'd meet for dinner, but instead Remus retrieved his cloak and asked, simply, "Shall we go?"


Sirius pulled on his leather jacket and looked up, slightly grim-faced but knowing that his mood would improve greatly in a short amount of time. He nodded. "Please," he said in a quiet voice.

He picked up a bottle of scotch he had brought in from his office -- a gift about a year ago from someone for some reason -- and fell into step with Remus.


For a brief moment, Remus had considered using one of the secret tunnels that led away from Hogwarts, rather than the familiar corridors that wound their way to the front entranceway… but he was still, ever, too much the Professor to really consider than in anything other than a true emergency, now. So instead they went the normal way, the silence between them obvious- but neither of them, Remus suspected, wanting to talk about anything where they might yet still be overheard.

It wasn't until they were out on the Hogwarts grounds, and halfway down to the gates of Hogsmeade, that he finally offered, "I don't have anything grand planned, you know. I just thought… Glen Nevis, perhaps? Somewhere quiet, away from everything- everyone else." He glanced up at the sky- clear and impressive even here with the light of Hogwarts behind them and Hogsmeade still ahead.


Sirius cleared his throat and glanced sideways at Remus. "That sounds perfect," he said, reaching between them to squeeze his hand. He was right. Somewhere quiet and out of the way where they could just be together and -- his chest clenched. It had been years since news of deaths like this, this close to them, came tumbling in. It almost felt like deja vu, but Sirius knew that this still wasn't the same as before. The problem is, it was closer now than a week ago.


Though Sirius may have meant for the squeeze of his hand to be a fleeting gesture, Remus didn't let go. Consciously or not, he wanted that connection- however simple it might have been. When he finally stepped through the gates to Hogmeade, gently tugging Sirius along behind him, Remus paused and leaned over for a brief kiss. "Side-along, if you don't mind. I think I know a spot."

Soon enough, Hogsmeade disappeared behind them and Lochan a'Choire appeared in front, the small lake in the valley boardered by cliffs that gave it a sort of natural amphitheatre feel. It was beautiful, and certainly secluded. Oddly enough, perhaps, this was a place that Remus had discovered some fifteen years ago- his lonely meanderings in the early '80s having taken him as far from civilization as he could manage to do, for as long as possible.

But now he was here with Sirius, and- circumstances aside- that was a much better situation. Remus took a deep breath, and- lacking something deep or profound to say, offered instead, "Well, this is shite."


Sirius wanted to linger into the kiss but refrained, and instead he just nodded and allowed Remus to apparate them away. When his eyes focused and head stopped spinning moments later, he looked out over the lake and valleys and dropped Remus's hand, stepping aside to rub his hand back through his hair, which was getting long.

When Remus spoke, Sirius couldn't help but laugh, for just a moment, his shoulders rising and falling as he took a breath. He looked back to Remus. "Yeah. Worse than shite, maybe, even."


The laugh was expected, but Remus smiled- however briefly- at the reaction all the same. "I think- I think we knew it was coming." Whether or not they'd wanted to admit that to themselves. "It had been too long- there'd been no word…" He shook his head, exhaling heavily again. As he looked to Sirius, Remus' thoughts went instead to Bilius- who had lost his partner tonight. A feeling that Remus couldn't even fathom, yet one that left him feeling scared and empty all the same.


Almost as if Sirius knew what Remus was thinking -- because of course it was also all he could think about since the word got to him about Gideon's death, since he tried to talk to Bilius and failed -- Sirius met his eye and then reached out for him.

He didn't mean to, but he practically jerked Remus into his arms and held him tightly against him. "Fuck this," he said, muffled somewhere in Remus's hair.


Though the movement had been sudden, Remus didn't protest- how could he? No, he was all too happy to cling as tightly to Sirius as he was allowed to do- which, for now, there was likely no limit. Beyond that, he didn't know whether he ought to laugh or cry- to delight in the knowledge that he still could hold Sirius this way, or to mourn what could have been. What now was, for a dear friend. Remus wound up somewhere in the middle- tears quiet on his cheeks, but an odd smile on his face- both hidden in Sirius' embrace. "Exactly," was all he said."


Sirius nodded, his fingers digging slightly into Remus's back and shoulder, not quite wanting to let go yet. He breathed out heavily and sniffled, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. He'd already cried the night before, quietly and alone, and he thought that meant he wouldn't do it again, but here he was. "You're here. I'm here. We're okay."


"We're okay," Remus echoed the words once, and then again, "we're okay." The reassurance perhaps shouldn't have been needed, but he found it was very much wanted, in that moment.

He could feel Sirius' unsteady breathing, even his quickened heartbeat- so close to his own- and Remus wanted nothing more than just to stay here and shut the whole rest of the world out. But he knew, of course, that neither of them would let the other do that- not for long, anyway. They would mourn, they would hold tight, but- in the end- they would go on to fight another day. They always did.

Bloody Gryffindors, Remus thought, bitterly.


He waited another moment before relaxing his hold on Remus and stepping back, just enough for the air to circulate between them. He wiped at his cheekbones with the heel of his hand and took a deep breath so that he didn't look like he might have started to cry.

Sirius brought his hands down to take Remus's, and he leaned forward to kiss him, closing the gap between them all over again.


Remus hadn't wiped his own tears away- he should have, perhaps, but there was no hiding it now. Not that he expected Sirius would judge him or care, really, all things considered. Instead he took Sirius' hands as they were offered, and returned the kiss- eagerly now, despite (or perhaps because of) the slight saltiness on his lips. He needed this, and desperately so. After a moment, one of his hands laced into Sirius' hair- tangling there, and not letting him pull away just yet.


He had no desire to pull away quite yet, so their embrace turned quickly from comforting to urgent. Sirius cupped the back of Remus's neck and deepened the kiss, hooking his other arm around his waist. He groaned at the feeling of Remus's fingers in his hair.


His heart was racing for a whole new reason now, but Remus didn't care- they had come here to escape, together, and the last thing he wanted in this moment was to stand there, stargazing. The kiss was almost frantic, desperate, but Remus returned it in kind- easily, eagerly. He needed Sirius- Remus had known that much already, of course- but now each thought of that reminded him of how close they had come, so many times, to losing him.


When he pulled back with a groan, Sirius had to fight to catch his breath. He curled his fist against Remus's shoulder blades. "Where can we go?" he asked hoarsely.


"Here," Remus replied, simply. There was no one nearby, that much he knew- that had been his main reason for choosing this location in the first place. Maybe not for that particular reason, but- it seemed fitting, now, to be able to say it.


For a moment he thought maybe he heard Remus wrong, and he looked at him with surprise but then a smile started to quirk at the corner of his mouth. It didn't last long though. "Are you sure?" he asked, moving his mouth down Remus's jaw. He fisted the folds of Remus's cloak.


"Here," Remus repeated- he had a feeling that Sirius liked hearing it, even though he'd doubted the answer in the first place. His free hand came up to easily unclasp his cloak, which then fell off his shoulders and crumpled to the ground in an untidy pile of fabric. Untidy, and Remus made no move to fix it or fold it- no, instead his hands just came first to the lapels of Sirius' jacket. First to tug him back into a kiss, and then to push the leather garment roughly off his shoulders.


He shivered. He couldn't help it. Then he growled softly into the kiss and flailed a bit as he tried to help Remus get the jacket off. His hand snaked up to the side of Remus's neck and he deepened the kiss. "Good," he said against Remus's mouth. "Here is good."