Entry tags:

! log, 1998-may, character: james potter, character: lily potter

Who: James & Lily Potter
What: Hearing of Gideon's death.
When: Thursday, May 14, 1998
Where: The Potter family home in Godric’s Hollow.
Warnings: Character death, feels.

James had stayed in his home office, working on some of the stuff he’d brought home with him--there was a lot to do as a new department head under a new minister--after the first journal ward, but he kept his journal open and glanced over at it every few moments, checking for new things on the page. There had been nothing he could do in response to Bilius’s ward, but he needed to know the moment anything changed… the moment there was anything that could be done.

It was hard to concentrate on the parchments he’d brought home, and he was about to give up for the night and go sit vigil with Lily when Edgar’s message appeared. James’s stomach dropped as he read it, and as soon as the words sank in, he hurried out of the office toward the parlour where Lily was sitting.

He paused in the entrance to the parlor, just breathing in the sight of her for a moment before stepping into the room. As soon as he crossed the threshhold, his pace picked up again, and he crossed the distance between them in a few quick steps and wrapped her in his arms. “Hey.”

It was supposed to be a nice evening in. Lily was sitting on the couch reading, her journal lying next to her and the box of chocolates she’d gotten from James earlier on the other side. She had been enjoying a nice, quiet night in when the first ward came through. And then she’d waited, tensely, for word of what happened. When finally the ping from Edgar had come in, she couldn’t help but just stare the journal as it lied there. She couldn’t believe it. Lily was shocked to find out the news - not that she’d had much hope anyway but it still sent her reeling. Killed. He was dead. She thought they’d find him quicker than that, that he’d be… well, was it better that he was dead, though? Because she figured they’d find him out of his mind with only a lifetime at St. Mungos to look forward to. Maybe this was better. Still, it hurt. She ached, and only the sound of James’ footsteps before he wrapped her in his arms brought her out of her reverie.

Face covered by her hands, leaning forward against James, wrapping her arms around him too before she buried her face into his shoulder and let out a short little sob.

“Oh my God, James.” She finally said, wiping the tears away from her eyes.

When she pulled back to wipe her eyes, James lifted her chin with two fingers and kissed her gently. “I love you.” He needed to say that now, needed to be sure she knew just how deeply he cared.

He kissed her again, then stood and and ran one shaking hand through his messy hair. He felt like there was something he should be doing, somewhere he should be going, but there wasn’t anything. They could only cling to each other and try to get through this as well as they could.

“I love you too.” Lily was shaking nearly as much as James was. It was difficult to describe how she felt. Her bright, green eyes were still glistening with the tears she was holding back and she was trying very desperately to put on a strong face. She knew he would see through it, as she could so clearly see through his as well.

“I want to say I can’t believe it, but…” She let her words trail off. They had tried so hard not to give up hope, but as time had kept moving with no clues as to what happened to Gideon, Lily’s hope for his healthy return diminished, and as even more time went, her hope for his return at all had depleted into nothingness as well. There had just been that one, irrational part of her that wanted so badly for the whole thing to go away, for him to come back safe and sound like he had taken a holiday and forgotten to write. But it wasn’t that. Gideon was dead.

“Poor Fabian…” Lily pressed herself against James again, forehead pressed easily into his neck, words muffled as she had her lips pressed to his shoulder. “We need to do something for him. I just don’t know what.”

James wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “Bilius too. I don’t know if there’s anything we can do, though. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to Gideon.” It was one thing when Lady Noir was killing unsuspecting witches and wizards who weren’t prepared and hadn’t ever actually fought. Gideon had been in the Order during the first war, and though he hadn’t wanted to join again, he did have experience. He should have been able to take care of himself, at least.

He closed his eyes as he squeezed Lily tighter, imagining himself in Bilius’s posiiton. If something were to happen to Lily, he didn’t know how he’d cope. “We have to figure out how to stop this.”

"I know. I hate feeling so helpless." Lily wished there was more they could do. It felt like before - last time, when the war was just starting and they were scrambling for leads. It was so frustrating to feel like they were losing.

"That's why I've been... upping our supplies of useful potions. I want to be prepared. We need to stop hiding things from each other and work cohesively as a team. We're all off doing our own investigations and not sharing our information and being divided is literally killing us." She hated to think that way, but it was true.

"We need to put forth an action plan, get things in full swing to stop this before it gets too far - farther than it already has."

“Me too.” James wished there was more he could say, but even in that, he was helpless. There were no words to capture the frustration and sadness he was feeling, nothing he could say that would make either of them feel better. All he could do was kiss Lily again, hold her tight, and swear he was never letting go.

“I’m glad you’ve been working on things.” His voice was muffled by her hair as he pressed his face against the top of her head again. “I hate that you have to, but I’m glad you thought of it. I can’t lose you.” If he had his way, he’d take her and the kids and leave England, keep them all away from this. But he couldn’t abandon their friends, or the other innocent people who lived in England, and he knew Lily wouldn’t either.

“I’ll call a meeting in a day or two. After we’ve had some time to process.” He doubted Bilius and Fabian would be up to much for a while, but the rest of them could start acting, could come up with something cohesive. “In the mean time, we should go find Remus and Sirius and the others.” They needed to stay together right now, as much as they could.

“You won’t lose me.” She promised, just taking comfort in the way he had his arms wrapped around her. She couldn’t imagine what Bilius was going through, or Fabian, but if she had lost James… Lily refused to even think about it. She was a strong woman, but she doubted she could go on without him. She’d have to, for their kids… but it was not a thought she liked to entertain in the least bit. She swore to herself that they would stay alive. She’d protect them at all costs.

James suggested they go and find everyone else and she nodded her head. “I’m sure Sirius and Remus are already together. “I love you, James.” She said again, no explanation needed as to why she had to say it - she just did. In these times, it was important for your loved ones to know how much they matter to you. “After we get to Hogwarts to see Remus and Sirius, I want to get the kids. They knew Bilius too, and I need to see them.”

“I love you too.” There was never any question of that, but sometimes, these things needed to be said even when they were known. Now was definitely one of those times. “Let’s go find the others, figure out what we need to do, and then we’ll go get the kids. We’ll get them out of bed if we need to.” He didn’t care if they were asleep. Not today.

Reluctantly, James unwrapped his arms from around Lily. He immediately took her hand, needing some contact between them, let out a deep sigh, and stood. “Come on. Let’s… see what we can do.”