InsaneJournal

Having an actual flatmate meant rearranging the furniture in the flat as well as the rest of Fabian's life. The wing chairs that usually sat in front of the fire had made their way up to the lofted area with the Muggle record player, to be replaced by the futon that served Fabian as a guest bed when his nephews or other guests stayed over. They'd put it down and piled up pillows to use it for reading in front of the fire, with one of Molly's afghans to keep their feet warm and tea and biscuits to enjoy with their books (or in Fabian's case, work-related journals).

Fabian finished the article he'd been thumbing his way idly through and waited for Gwen to come to what looked like a reasonable stopping place. "Sickle for your thoughts."


Gwen was light years better than she had been. She still had bad days, she still had nightmares, and there were plenty of times that it didn’t seem like she was getting better at all. But really, she certainly could have been doing worse. Being in the near constant company of others was helpful, and particularly, being around Fabian was what made all the difference. The care and security she felt when she was around him was truly aiding in her recovery. It would have even if he didn’t know all those self-help techniques to calm her anxieties, though it certainly helped.

Reading on the couch, curled up next to Fabian was relaxing, and she’d been enjoying the time spent not thinking about anything that had happened. She’d just reached the end of another enjoyable (yet frustrating) chapter in the book she was reading when Fabian interrupted her. She marked the page and set the book down, turning to look at him. “Of course. What’s up?”

"I was wondering what you were thinking." The corner of Fabian's mouth curled up in a smile. "But me, I'm just--not stuck in the bad way--I've got things on my mind, I guess." Which was no surprise, since there was a lot for him to be thinking about. "About Gideon. About the Knocker. About all of that kind of thing. I'm all right, though." He took Gwen's hand, lacing her fingers with his. "Turning things over, not obsessing over the parts I can't help or do anything about right now."

“I was just enjoying a bit of not thinking. Or at least, not thinking about anything important.” Because she was certainly ruminating over her dislike of the protagonist in the story, and how poorly written the antagonist was, which was at odds with how brilliantly the story itself was laid out. But when it came to anything of use or importance, her brain had been shut off for the last few hours. “I’m glad you’re not obsessing. That wouldn’t be helpful to either of us.” She said, poking him slightly in the side. “Pretty sure you told me something akin to that before.” Gwen smiled at him, before leaning into him a little more comfortably, setting the book aside. “Is there even anything you can do? I mean - I know I told you about Peter and what he’d said but I’m not really sure what’ll come of it. There’s no Aurors, and the Order… I don’t even know if there’s an active Order anymore.”

Fabian turned his head to meet Gwen's gaze for a moment before letting the thoughts behind his blue eyes bubble out through his mouth. "And if there were? What do you think they'd be doing? What would you think they ought to be doing?" This was a dangerous line of questioning, but now that the topic had been put on the table again, he needed answers.

“I have no idea what they would be doing.” She replied, honestly. She really didn’t. She didn’t even know what they did specifically in the first war, aside from what was put down in history - but that didn’t really tell her much, did it? “I suppose they’d be looking in to these things, the Knocker, disappearances, what happened at the Macnair trial, all of that.” Gwen mused, shrugging her shoulders just a bit. “I think that’s what they should be doing, if the Order were still around. Trying to find out what’s been going on - what threats are real, who Lady Noir is and what sort of threat is she really. All that, I guess.” She turned to look at Fabian now, brow raised slightly. “Why do you ask?”

"It's important to me." That wasn't a good enough answer, and Fabian knew it. Strategic negotiation was a skill, and he didn't like to use it his personal relationships, so he wasn't. But that didn't mean he couldn't see how he could bugger things up, or maybe was buggering things up. "To know what you think. About what I did, about what--I mean the fact that Pettigrew wanted to talk to me as much as says he thinks we're active again. That has to change things for you, for you and me, I mean. But here we are." Fabian gestured with his free hand, indicating the flat and all the ways Gwen's things had moved in: her broom in the hatrack next to his jacket, her clothes in the wardrobe next to his, her potions and primping gear by the sink next to his toothbrush.


“Peter didn’t suggest you. He said he could tell an Order member if he were on better terms with them, but no one would believe him. I said I knew you were part of the Order before, so if he could tell me what to say, I would tell you.” Gwenog was just sort of rambling now, since that part didn’t really matter to her - mostly, it seemed that Fabian was trying to tell her he was still active in the Order of the Phoenix and that they were a thing again, started back up and everything. Her face had turned to one of both concern and deep thought, before she finally spoke again. “Are you trying to tell me the Order is both active and that you have joined them again?”

This was where the Order vow came into play. Fabian had written it as well as taken it, so he knew how to get round it. "After everything that happened, after Azkaban, people who were involved before wouldn't be willing to put themselves at risk lightly. And that includes the risk of betrayal by one of their own. So if I were, I'd have a hard time saying so." He made the sign of a confidentiality vow, the key locking his lips. "But if I were trying--rather ineffectively, apparently--to do something to stop what's happening?"


What were with these people and Unbreakable Vows? The whole practice was barbaric and disturbing, to be honest, and she wasn’t quite happy with it at the moment given all the stupid limitations and frustrations it was bringing to her life. Peter could be telling the Aurors exactly who had attacked and nearly killed her, but he couldn’t. Fabian could be open and honest with her about what was going on, but he couldn’t. Gwen’s displeasure was written clearly all over her face. “I see.” She let him hang on that for a moment, as she reorganized her thoughts to disregard the irritation she felt about the Vow. Because really, despite that being a setback and an inconvenience, she was… well, she felt rather happy about it, actually.

“I - if you were in the Order and the Order had started back up to try and help figure out what is going on with everything that’s been happening… I’d be happy about it. Worried, of course, and curious, and maybe want in a little bit but probably not in the right mind to actually say so - well you get it. I’d be glad to know that you and others like you were working to protect me.” And outside the confines of the Auror office. No offense to Bina, but she just had a feeling the Order could work in ways the Auror office could not.

About halfway through Gwen's speech, much more tension than he'd realized he was feeling drained out of Fabian. "I wouldn't say 'don't worry about me' because I'm an idiot who does crazy things sometimes like confronting Lady Noir--which really was dumb luck--but, I guess it's important to me for you to understand that what I did, what I've done--it's not casual for me. And it's important to me that I do it, and--" he thought here about their conversation about revenge "--that I do for the right reasons."

Fabian curled in a little closer, pulling Gwen toward him. "When we saw the first handbills, the ones about getting rid of Regulus Black, I knew we had trouble. And I was right. It's not just Lady Noir. It's that she encourages all the people who do crazy things, like Walden Macnair and his daughter. And that got all his old friends, like the Knocker, excited again. And the wild cards like the youngster who painted the steps of Gringotts in blood back in December. The Aurors might be able to get them, but they'll have to spend a long time looking and skirt a lot of laws, and meanwhile, people are dying. Not to mention that it's easier to rattle my cage than it is to look for people who're making real trouble." He snorted once, a sort of half laugh, and let that go.

"Could be worse, though. Lady Noir's not Bellatrix. I had nightmares about that when I first heard about her."


Most of this wasn’t new to Gwenog, but there were a lot of specifics and a lot of back story that she didn’t know. She only knew what had happened publicly, been reported on. Gwenog wasn’t the most savvy with most of this information, she knew very little about what was going on - just like all the other people who weren’t Order members or Death Eaters, she supposed. “To be honest, I don’t know what you did - or what you have done recently, really. I mean, I know a bit about you being sent to Azkaban, but really the details aren’t something I have ever known or really looked into.” Because until now, she hadn’t really cared. But it seemed important to Fabian that she knew, and knew why he felt so strongly about what he had done and still did.

“So, do the Death Eaters follow Lady Noir, or has she just stirred up their old habits because she’s starting something new?” The hows and why’s were also unknown to Gwen. She had no idea why these things were starting again aside from Lady Noir being a new catalyst for this sort of thinking - but she hadn’t realized the actual extent, or if the Death Eaters were acting on her behalf. Was she attacked because Lady Noir had told them to do it, or what? These were all questions that she’d been vaguely thinking of, but she hadn’t been thinking too deeply on them. She wasn’t making the connections, if there were any to be made.

Bellatrix Lestrange was a name she knew, though, and part of her was relieved when Fabian said it wasn’t her. “To be honest, I thought it might still be. I mean, I didn’t think about it too much until recently, so I guess I’ve just been sort of mulling it all over now and thinking of all the different possibilities and with how little I know about what’s actually going on, it’s gotten me thinking of all the wildest theories, I suppose.”

At that last, Fabian shook his head. "Bellatrix is dead. I saw her die. I was afraid her old master had taught her to cheat death, but dueling Lady Noir put that fear to rest for me. I fought her too many times, from when we were in Dueling Club together on through the war, not to know the difference. So I can refute that theory for you."

“Oh, good.” She was too young to have encountered anyone in the war before - or even to have been part of it before - to make these sort of conclusions. It was nice to have the reassurance from Fabian that he knew it wasn’t her. Considering what Voldemort had done, the worry had certainly been there. “Is there… anything else you want to tell me about what’s going on, or had gone on, Fabian?” She prompted, since he hadn’t really answered much of what she’d asked.

"I want to tell you everything. I don't even know where to start."

But Gwen had asked for something, so Fabian circled back round to that. "What happened to you--I don't know why, or even have a specific theory, other than what I said: the rise of Lady Noir has made the Death Eaters bold. I don't know why it was you. Maybe he was given an order to target you. Maybe because of Pettigrew. Maybe because of me. Or maybe he didn't like something you said. Or maybe he has a beef about Quidditch. It could be anything, really.

"And I don't know if they're working with Lady Noir or not. She had a hand on Walden Macnair, but that's not proof that she's working with the rest of them. They rescued him from the court, and there's one other thing I can't tell you about that suggests the same, but none of it would get you anywhere in front of the Wizengamot. The other thing is that I don't assume the Death Eaters are organized the way they used to be. Apart from the fact that quite a few of them are dead--and I still don't know who killed Rodolphus last year--it's not like they'd be united the way they were under Voldemort. He kept them in line, but they've been free for twenty years. Why would they let Lady Noir take over?"

"He said it was because of the way I ran my mouth." There were little things about her attack that she hadn't shared. Things she didn't think mattered, or she hadn't remembered until recently. It was still a topic she preferred to not discuss in detail. Fabian knew the most, purely because he was there for all the nightmares, all the flashbacks. She buried her face into his chest for a moment, breathing him in to calm herself. Anything said that was close to her attack could still send her into a panic.

"But I see what you mean, them not being united. It wouldn't be easy to pick up and follow someone new just like that. Not unless she were somehow directly connected to You-Know-Who." She was still uncomfortable saying the name, having been instilled with fear of it as a child. "So as far as you know, everything that's happening is connected in the way that since Lady Noir came about, the anti-muggleborn attacks have escalated - but not because she is orchestrating them all. So they're all still random in how and when, but the why is a bit less questionable."

"I wish you could tell me everything."

"I do too, but I'm not entirely sorry I can't. You can't be made to tell what you don't know." Not that that would protect Gwen entirely; and what Fabian really wanted was for her never to be in that situation. "I can talk about the old days. There are stories I could tell--" Fabian smiled and shook his head a little. "You wouldn't believe some of them. But they're all true."

He curled his fingers into Gwen's hair, combing the locks with his fingertips. "I'm glad I can tell you that sometimes I just can't tell you, though. It makes things easier."


“I know.” She didn’t blame him for not being able to tell her, and she was sure there were quite a few things she didn’t want to know, either. But there were certainly thoughts - little, flitting things, that were roaming in her head and making her want to join the Order herself. But not yet, not now. Not while she was still so fresh off an attack. She had to really think about it, which was not something she was capable of doing just yet.

“I’d believe them. I know you’re not the type to try and make something out to be more than it is just for kicks or attention.” Besides, his run in with Lady Noir he’d barely said anything about - brushed it off like it was nothing when it had actually been a pretty big deal. Gwen let her head rest a little against Fabian’s hand as he ran his fingers through her hair, a soft sigh escaping her lips. “It’s nice to know why you can’t tell me, and what it’s… vaguely about. I hate secrets, but at least when you tell me you can’t tell me, I know it’s Order related.” She hoped, though, that he didn’t take advantage of that.

“Just so you know, Fabian - I don’t care what you did, before. I know you’re doing it for the right reasons, what you did then, what you do now. So whatever… things you did, I don’t care. I don’t even need to know, if you don’t want me to, or you don’t want to say. I trust you, I care about you, and I know who you are now and can tell what sort of man you are. Just, so you know.” She smiled, though didn’t lift her face to show it. She was too content in his arms to move.

Fabian leaned forward to drop a kiss on her forehead. "I hope I can live up to the man you see in me. You make me want to. But I have bad days too--not as many as I used to--and some of them are bad, Gwen. I don't regret what I did, and the price I paid was worth it." His tone sobered a bit. "But I'll be paying it for a long time, probably as long as I live. When I'm here, with you, it's easy for me to push it off. But, Gwen, if things go badly with Gideon," and the fear and resignation were heavy in Fabian's voice, "it's going to be hard for me to hold it together. He might not have been able to forgive me, but I still love him."


Gwen listened to him, hearing the strain in his voice, and frowned. She sat up now, leaning on her elbow so that she could actually look at him. “I know - I’ve seen it on your face, sometimes. And that’s alright, I can handle it. I know not everything will be perfect all the time, but I know who you are.” He was exactly who she needed, who she had always needed and always wanted. “And if things go badly - “ Merlin forbid it, she really hoped they didn’t - “I’ll be there for you, every step of the way. The way you have been here for me. I promise it. I swear it, Fabian.”

The corner of Fabian's mouth quirked up in a little smile that couldn't quite make it to his eye, though not for lack of trying. His tone was fond when he spoke. "I won't hold you to that oath," he said, "but I adore you for making it."

“I’ll hold me to that oath. I mean it, Fabian. Truly.” She smiled at him again, leaning in to give him a kiss before placing her forehead against his. “I adore you, too.”

"Good," Fabian said, sounding satisfied, as he put his arms around her and rolled over on his back, pulling her bodily atop him, heedless of their books and journals. "Because I think you're probably stuck with me."

Gwen did not care as her book fell to the floor. She let herself be pulled on top of him, re-positioning her arms to just sort of be holding herself up a little. She kissed him again before laughing just slightly. “Oh, stuck with you? How terrible. I’m so, sooooo upset with that.” Gwen replied, in the most sarcastic voice she could muster.

Gwen could feel Fabian's laughter as well as hear it. "Your life is so hard," he tsked at her in mock pity.