InsaneJournal

The day after the full moon was always miserable, but Remus had long ago become accustomed to that fact. The night of the moon, of course, had become more tolerable with the assistance of the Marauders, but even they couldn't help the aftermath of things. There was a war on, after all, and there were more important things to do than tend a weakened and bruised werewolf.

(Yes, Remus still felt bitter and angry at times, in the days afterward. But loneliness and feeling ineffectual were almost as much to blame as the lycanthropy itself.)

Having only really worked odd jobs since finishing at Hogwarts- most employers couldn't handle his frequent absences- Remus' flat was small and lackluster. Oh, it wasn't dirty, no- he had more care than that- there just wasn't much to it beyond the sparse furnishings.

So it was in this simple bed that Remus lay, eyes shut against the harsh light that peeked in through the windows, willing his headache to disappear or at least for his bruises to fade or his joints to stop their whinging. The last thing he expected to hear was a knock on the door.


Lily had news. She was so excited to tell Remus - and it simply couldn’t wait until later when he was feeling better. Lily, at this point, had become accustomed to the certain days where Remus seemed to just disappear - and so did her husband, most of the time. She was accustomed to the hush hush about it and the subtle warnings from James not to bother Remus because he was feeling ill. But Lily didn’t care - Remus was her best friend, aside from James himself, and she wanted to share her exciting news for him.

So she knocked steadily on the door and waited for a response. When it didn’t even sound as if he was moving in there, Lily knocked even louder before calling out. “Remus Lupin, you open your door right now. It’s Lily, and I need to speak with you.” She demanded, her tone of voice just as assertive and, quite frankly, bossy as ever. She didn’t even cease in her knocking.

“Seriously, open up. And don’t forget the questions!” She was, of course, referring to the little system of questions the Order had set up to confirm each other as being themselves - not Polyjuice copies or imperius’d. It was important during this time to do those checks, and despite all her excitement, Lily was not going to take any chances - especially not now. “You have ten seconds before I manage to break down this door and come get you. Ten… nine…”


At first, Remus had ignored the knocking. Even when he'd heard Lily's voice- a voice that he normally would have been quite pleased to hear- he shut it out, content not to move at all. If he didn't call back to her, maybe she'd just go away…

But then the countdown started. And, slowly but surely, Remus made his way to the door- arriving on three… two…- though he made no motion to open it or even to ask any of their secret security questions. Instead he placed both his hands flat on the door- as if that could keep Lily out, somehow- and spoke, his voice harsh with weariness. "Not today, Lily. Please."


Some of the harshness and demanding in her voice had started to turn into worry by the time she got so near to One. These were times of war, after all. Someone could have gotten to him. But then she heard the slight shuffling and then Remus's voice telling her not today. That was also worrisome.

"Yes, Remus, today. Open the damn door. And answer the question! What did I change my mind about on our first night of Prefect duty?" She asked her question, rattling the door handle and finally letting out a loud HMPH! and stepping back from the door. "Please, Rem, it's important!"


The only thing that felt important right now, for Remus, was going back to bed. But Lily's insistence wasn't to be tested, either, and he knew she wouldn't soon leave him be unless he let her in. So, even though he felt- and likely looked- like something akin to death warmed over, Remus dutifully answered the question: "You decided that I wasn't like James or Sirius, as previously thought." His heavy exhale after the response was followed by an unlocking charm, allowing Lily to enter the small flat.


Okay, so it was Remus. He unlocked the flat and let her in. He did look quite awful - James was right about that one - but she didn’t say anything. It wasn’t the first time she had seen him looking a bit worse for wear, worn and haggard. It seemed to get worse all the time, though. As if each occurrence of this was making him weaker. She didn’t like to think that, not at all. “You didn’t ask me the question.” She responded, shutting the door behind him and finding her way to the living room. A couple of flicks of her wand there was tea and little sandwiches. Actually, two pots of tea. Different kinds, and all.

“Now, come, sit down, have some tea, ask the question and hurry up about it before I explode.” She was clearly bursting with whatever news she had for him and she just did not want to wait any longer, and his dragging and moping was seriously ruining her mood.


Tea, now that it was here, actually sounded like a wonderful idea- though Lily's insistence that he follow the proper protocols first only seemed to make his headache pierce that much harder. He pressed two fingers to his temple before finally offering, "Who was the first person we gave a detention to, on our shared Prefect rounds?"


He was clearly not up for this, even if he had perked up at the idea of tea. But he went ahead and complied. “It was James, not surprisingly. He thought you wouldn’t do it, but I certainly would.” She laughed a little before shaking her head. She was quite fond of her husband, though she hadn’t been when she had first given him detention. Now that they were settled, and a cup of tea was poured for him and another for herself, she couldn’t wait any longer.

“Remus, I’m pregnant!”


Remus had taken the cup of tea, eagerly, holding it in two hands and willing the warmth it exuded to spread to the rest of his body. He barely noticed the answer Lily gave to their protocol question- but, when she spoke next, the cup nearly slipped from his fingers. Instead, Remus' eyes just widened, and he coughed, suddenly. The cup was set back down on the small table in front of him, his hands shaking as he did, and another cough- and another- each one shaking his already weakened frame.

Merlin, but it was too early for news like this. (Even though it was very near to noon, already, whether Remus liked it or not.) "Sorry- sorry- I mean- not sorry that you're expecting, just- sorry for the-" another cough interrupted Remus' apology. He had covered his mouth for each of them, and offered Lily an abashed glance once they finally seemed to have faded. "That's- I'm pleased for you, Lily. And for James, too."


“You don’t seem very excited.” She said, pouting a little. She was already a little over-emotional about this sort of thing - as she had been, mood swing wise, for a couple weeks. But she pouted and set her tea down (the second pot was decaffeinated, since she was no longer allowed to have caffeine) before continuing. “And I hoped you would be, because I want you to be the Godfather. I mean, one of them. Since Sirius is likely going to be a Godfather as well, knowing James.” Not that she thought Sirius would ever be capable of raising a child, should anything happen to herself or James.


Godfather? Remus wasn't certain what alarmed him more- the idea of Sirius being responsible for a child, or that Lily was naive enough to trust him with one. Surely she hadn't brought the idea up to James, yet, because he knew about…

"It isn't that I'm not pleased for you, Lily," Remus tried to make amends, however belatedly- but whatever that effort was, it was dashed once more by his next: "But I'm afraid I have to refuse. I'm honored, truly, but- I can't."


Lily was shocked. He couldn’t? But why on earth couldn’t he? “You can’t? What - I - Remus Lupin, you will be the Godfather to my child and that’s that. I don’t know what on Earth you are thinking, but you have very little say in this decision.” She announced, because Lily was a woman of conviction and she knew what she wanted. “Why would you not want to be Godfather?”


Any other time, Lily's conviction would have been admirable- even enviable. But here, now, it just left Remus feeling guilty. As if he had somehow- already- let this child down, within minutes of knowing of its existence. "I said that I can't, Lily, and that's all there is to say about it. I'm sorry," and he was, truly, "but I know there are better choices to be made. For you- and for the sake of your child, especially."


“I don’t understand.” She complained, standing up and pacing about the room. She thought this was going to go a lot differently. The timing, obviously, was all wrong. James had warned her, but she didn’t listen. She hardly ever did. Lily sighed and turned to him. “There isn’t a better choice, Remus. Sirius is great, but he’s hardly responsible, and I don’t trust anyone else. You’re my best friend, I trust you implicitly to care for my child and protect them. What makes you think you aren’t capable of that?”


Remus was quiet as Lily spoke- the arguments and half-truths that came to mind as rebuttals seemed feeble at best. "Lily, please," he said, finally, "I don't want to have this conversation. I can't have this conversation." It was petulant, almost- and Remus was far from proud of that. But he didn't know what else to say.


She’d been hoping that he would just come around and tell her. It wasn’t right for her to bring it up, knowing what the elephant (or rather, werewolf) in the room was. She had speculated on it long ago, and James’ reactions had basically confirmed her suspicion. She’d been hoping for a long time now that Remus would just tell her - they were best friends, weren’t they? But that had to be it. “Remus, if this is about - well, I mean, if you think you can’t because you’re a werewolf, then.” She paused, before throwing her hands in the air. “Then that’s just ridiculous.” And then she turned back towards him, stepping closer. “I don’t care, werewolf or not, you’re my child’s Godfather. So, you just shut up and accept it.”


He felt rather like a child caught at doing something wrong, the way Lily had rounded on him- so she had that much settled, in parenting techniques already- but Remus just blinked, slowly, as if, for a moment, he couldn't comprehend that the word werewolf had escaped Lily's lips at all.

Finally, Remus found his words again- though he knew they wouldn't be the ones that Lily wanted to hear. "Lily, look at me. Look at this place. I'm all but incapacitated for days at a time, every month. I have no job and no prospects for one. For those reasons alone I should be the last person on your list- and I've not even touched on the danger I would pose! When I say that I can't accept this, Lily, I mean it- I cannot, will not accept responsibility for a child, not when I cannot guarantee that I could do well in your stead."


“Then you pass our child to Sirius for a few days.” She had this all thought out, really. She just didn’t trust Sirius all that much to be a good Godfather (yet) full time. She also thought that Remus was more caring and understanding that Sirius would be, which was quite important to her. “You’ve been hiding for all this time, about being a Werewolf. It’s not something to be ashamed of, even if people don’t understand. I trust you, Remus. I always have. And James, Sirius, Peter. They all trust you, and have helped you. We’re all here for you, and I want to know you’ll be there for me, James, and my child too. I trust you, I know you would take every precaution as you always have to keep my family safe.” And to prove she didn’t care, just as she hadn’t ever cared, she walked up to Remus and held his hands, squeezing them gently. Even if he was a Werewolf, just fresh off the full moon. She wasn’t scared, or worried. “Please, just, consider it?”


Remus let Lily hold his hands for a moment, but then slowly, carefully, pulled his hands away. "I am ashamed, Lily. There are many reasons I hide the truth- and it's not just that people won't understand. Werewolves are feared and hunted. We have to register with the Ministry, even though doing so means being monitored for the rest of our lives. I've never held a job for more than six weeks. For a long time, I didn't even think that I would be allowed to attend Hogwarts, much less do so for seven years under the direct protection of the Headmaster. That I have friends who do not fear me outright is the greatest gift I will ever receive." He was rambling now, and he shook his head, turning from Lily and curling his arms around his middle.

"I will do all I can to protect you, James, and your child. Please don't misunderstand. I am grateful for your trust, for your help, and do not wish to sully that in any way. But there is a part of me that I cannot control. I have to capacity to hurt people in ways that makes me ill to think on- but it will not ever go away. My conscious doesn't matter, when I am the wolf. I cannot trust myself to take on this responsibility for you, for your child. I'm sorry."


“I understand why you can’t tell anyone, but you don’t need to be ashamed - not in front of me, not in front of anyone. We love you, Remus. All of us. And you know you know we will do everything we can to help you, always. Potions, whatever, to make it better and easier for you. Your friends have already proven that to you - “ Don’t think she didn’t know, now, that her friends and husband were unregistered Animagi, which she was not all that happy about. “ - but me, I will too. Okay? Not in the same way they have, but in whatever way that I can, I will.” She sat down next to him again, placing her hand on his knee.

“I’m serious, Remus. I just want to know, that Merlin forbid it but if something did happen to James or I, that you wouldn’t just let Sirius take our child and not even check on them. You don’t have to take full responsibility, but I need - I need back up, from you. I trust Sirius, I do, but not as much as I trust you.”


The shame ran deep- deeper even than Remus knew how to express. Mostly, he didn't try, because words were woefully inaccurate, in the end. No matter how much Lily- or anyone- might insist that he need not be ashamed, that they didn't fear… They couldn't understand. Remus, in some ways, didn't want them to understand. How could he? Especially this close to the moon, when he could still remember the power and… and anger of the monster that seemed to lay just beyond his reach and control.

Finally, he nodded- once, and just barely at that. "I will do my best to mind Sirius, if it comes to that."


Lily still wasn't wholly satisfied with Remus's response, but she wasn't going to push it. Watching him for a few moments after, she nodded her head before pushing his tea back towards him. "Good." She finally said, picking up her own cup and taking a sip.

"Now, we have to think about names!"