InsaneJournal

Who: Gwenog Jones and Fabian Prewett
What: Each of them has a story they need to tell the other
When: Tuesday evening, 28 April 1998
Where: Fabian's flat off Diagon Alley
Warnings: Mentions of torture



Gwenog had spent one whole whopping night at her parent’s home and was already done with that. Her mother doted on her in a way that made her uncomfortable and her father looked so full of concern and hurt that it made Gwen feel as if she had done something wrong. She felt guilty for being responsible for that look on his face, even if it wasn’t really her fault. It was, since she mouthed off, and she did feel entirely responsible for what had happened but she wouldn’t tell that to anyone. She didn’t want to hear the outcries of this is not your fault! when she knew how entirely it was.

So she packed up and left her parents rather quickly with just a kiss and a goodbye, that she would be safe and she made her way to Fabian’s house Tuesday evening. She didn’t give him proper warning, either, just popped on by his place without going anywhere near her own home. She went the long way round, and didn’t bother trying to get just inside the building by Apparition - it was probably warded, and she really didn’t have the strength for Apparating. Plus, it felt… too much like being Crucio’d, to her. Not the same, but the sudden pressure and darkness, it was too much.

Once she reached his door, she leaned against it, tired from the short journey. She knocked on the door, clutching her wand in hand and peering around nearby. Someone had broken into the neighbor’s here, too. It wasn’t safe to be anywhere. But she felt safe with Fabian, and she needed to talk to him, anyhow. About the things Peter had told her, or rather, what he couldn’t tell her. “Fabian? It’s Gwen.” She called, when she thought she heard some shuffling inside.

Fabian had been playing the piano when the knock on the door came. That it was Gwen was a surprise, and yet, not: she'd come to him after Dawlish's murder. Obviously she felt safe around him.

He let her in with a few comforting words of greeting, took her bag and brought her inside, getting her settled in one of the chairs in front of the fireplace and starting the kettle for some tea. Soon enough she was wrapped up in a homemade afghan and had her feet up, and a cup of tea with some digestives on the saucer in hand. All questions had been deferred until Fabian had tended to her obvious needs. But the bag was indicative; she had to be going somewhere. And if it wasn't back to her flat, which it shouldn't be, it looked like it was here. It wasn't as if he hadn't offered, either.

Once it looked like she was starting to perk up a bit after her long walk, Fabian was willing to venture a couple of questions. "I'm glad you're here. How are you doing? Do you need to stay here for a little while?"

This was one of many nice things about Fabian. There was nothing that needed to be said right away. She went on without another word, letting him set her up in a chair, wrapped in a blanket. Soon, she had tea and something to eat to accompany her on the chair and Gwen already felt better than she had since she was kidnapped.

"Only tonight, if you don't mind. I don't want to impose, I can go somewhere else tomorrow." Gwen hated to be so dependent, she hadn't needed anything like this in her whole life. It was upsetting to say the least, but she didn't want to force anyone to let her stay with them, either.

"I also came here because... Well I have some information on what happened that... I can't tell the Aurors."

"I'm listening. And I'm used to keeping my mouth mostly shut to the Aurors," Fabian replied, answering only the last part because he wasn't feeling like arguing with Gwen about how bad bouncing from place to place freshly out of Mungo's was for her, nor how likely it was to send her packing back to the hospital. Besides, he was crafty enough to know that if he waited for Gwen to wear herself out again, he was more likely to get his own way.

"I have some things I need to tell you when you're done, though."

"Mostly is good enough." Gwen smirked at him, though she had full faith he wouldn't tell anyone who shouldn't know about what she was going to say. "I know... you were in the Order, and maybe know some people who were or if it's active I guess, who still are." She started, hesitating only slightly.

"I lied to the Aurors when I told them I accidentally apparated myself out of where I was being held. The truth is, Peter Pettigrew knew who took me, managed to find me, and rescued me from there himself. But he is under an Unbreakable Vow by the Death Eaters. He can't tell me who it is specifically. But he knows, and he wants to help but... we don't know how to get around it."

Fabian had had this discussion, and recently, as well. He hadn't expected to presented with the dilemma of what to do about it quite this quickly. He started with the easy part: "I was a solicitor before I went to Azkaban. They trained me to write and bind contractual oaths. I know how to get around them. As for Pettigrew--no, just listen--" he held up a hand to silence her--"Rescuing you is the best thing he ever did in his life. And I know you think that validates your judgement about who he is now, and not what he was then. I'm not saying you're wrong, even, just that--" Fabian paused again and reached for Gwen's hand so he was holding it for this next bit, which was going to hurt "--helping you, now, doesn't undo what he did in the last war. And that's not his reputation, not to me, Gwen. That was him coming to meetings of the Order, promising he'd honour our secrets, and then giving the names of my friends to people who did to them what that bastard did to you until they died."

Fabian took a moment to let Gwen compose herself.

"So I'm not saying 'no'. But I'm saying that I have my reservations."

Gwen knew what Fabian thought of Peter was incorrect. It wasn’t as terrible as he was saying. Even when Peter could have benefitted in Azkaban from releasing names, he had kept his silence. If they thought he was so terrible and self-serving, wouldn’t that have mattered? But she wasn’t going to argue for Peter here, she was too tired, too exhausted, too everything to argue about it. She kept her mouth shut, though she attempted to protest originally, and listened to what Fabian had to say.

“Fine, that’s fine. But I’m being honest with you here, Fabian, and I know he’s not lying to me. He knew who it was who took me and he saved my life. If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead.” It was matter-of-fact, there was no denying it. Without Peter, there would no longer be a Gwenog Jones walking around. “So please, just give him that chance. We can’t go to the Aurors because even if he could outright name him, which he can’t, they wouldn’t have enough evidence to convict him. I didn’t see him, I only heard his voice and that’s… circumstantial at best.” It could be anyone, that she heard from anywhere.

“That’s all I’m asking. Get him in contact with whoever, I don’t care. Just - I want that bastard dead, and Peter can help us find him.”

Fabian's face fell a little at that last. "Is that what you want?" he asked, the passion had had driven his speech about Peter draining out of him. "Revenge?"

Gwen paused, setting the tea and food down to sit back, tired again. “I don’t know. Right now? Yes. I just - I don’t know what I want, Fabian. I can’t tell you that. But if I know who did this, maybe…” She could sleep at night. Maybe she could know how to avoid him. Maybe she would kill him herself. Or maybe Gwen would do nothing, maybe it was better not to know. There were no answers, and her feelings about it changed every few minutes, every time she thought about it. “I just don’t know.”

"Okay. Because I'm going to help you--help you--figure out who the Knocker is, and do something about him. But this is where I have to tell you something important that I didn't want to worry you with in the hospital. And I trust you to keep this secret just like I'm not telling the Aurors about Pettigrew, because of you." Fabian took Gwen's hand in both of his; which of them the gesture was meant to reassure wasn't clear, even to him.

"My brother vanished the same day you did. And he's not back yet and he may not come back at all. He was off chasing revenge on Alecto Carrow for torturing the person he loves." There was more to say, but unusually, Fabian found himself at a loss for words.

Gwen was floored. She hadn’t known - and she felt, well, just awful that they went missing at the same time. Fabian had had to deal with so much, she felt guilty for taking any of his concentration away from his brother at all. “Oh, my word Fabian - I’m so, so sorry. I promise, I swear to you I will not tell anyone.” She wouldn’t, either. Gwen would never betray Fabian’s trust that way, even if she thought Peter might be able to help him, too.

The extreme guilt she felt - that she had been feeling for various other reasons, too, loomed over her. She squeezed his hand gently and then let go, standing up wearily. “I should go - I shouldn’t have stopped by to begin with, I just -” There was no reason to explain it, Fabian would know why. Because she cared for him, deeply, just as much as she trusted him. She felt safe. “I shouldn’t have bothered you when you have you brother to worry about, I’m so sorry.”

But Fabian stood just as Gwen did, shaking his head as she made ready to leave. "Please don't go. Please stay. It means a lot to me that you came to me for this, even knowing what you know, about how I don't trust Pettigrew. I didn't even know what Gideon was up to until someone else told me. Knowing that you came back is helping me hold it together right now, when I know that my brother is--" He stopped again, swallowed. "It was two days for you. It's been more than a week for him. I don't even know what to hope for any more."

Gwen didn’t want to say what she would hope for. If Gideon’s situation was anything like Gwen’s, she’d hope for death. The quicker, the better. But that was a rather morbid line of thinking, which is quite often how Gwen’s thoughts aligned themselves recently. Even if she knew she would be rescued, she knew she couldn’t have lasted or even stood to be tortured for any longer than she had. The recovery from what she had already endured had been difficult and wasn’t over, not mentally even though it was mostly physically over.

“I’m sorry.” She kept messing it all up, didn’t she? He stopped her from going, so instead of trying to argue it more she wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. Her strength was nothing like it was before, and the hug was still rather weak but the sentiment was there. She just held him, because as much as it comforted her to be in his arms, she wanted him to feel comforted as well. “I’ll stay. I just - anything you need, okay?”

Fabian slid his own arms around Gwen, careful of what he suspected were less injuries than the overall soreness left by the Cruciatus. She was so fragile; he was afraid he'd break her without meaning it. "Just--just don't let them make you hate. Don't let them break that in you. You always want to do good and believe the best about people. It's one of the things I--I adore so much about you. When they take that away from you, that's how they win. Okay?" He pressed his mouth to her cheek, chaste as children, all affection.

Gwen nodded her head, still distraught. She felt she needed to be strong for Fabian, but how could she be? She could hardly be strong for herself. Everything made her want to breakdown and cry. There was no identifying her emotions anymore - they were scattered, her brain was still fuzzy. Everything jumbled together and she just wanted to curl up in a ball and give up, cry and cry and just stay there forever. She could hardly keep it together as it was, and here Fabian was dealing with his brother, his twin brother, being gone. Still.

Panic started to set in. She could feel it, rising. Just thinking about it made her start to shake, thinking about everything. She stood there for a few moments, unsure of what to do, her breathing rough. She didn’t know what to say, she just nodded her head, her eyes sort of going unfocused.

It was her breathing, suddenly too fast, that tipped Fabian off. He released her, stepped back, and looked Gwen in the eye, and when she didn't meet his gaze, he snapped his fingers a couple of times. "Hey, hey, stay with me, Gwen.

"Come on, we're going to lie down now." Flat on her back on the rug in front of the fireplace, in case she worked herself into a state and passed out: Fabian remembered that. "Come on, let's do this. Tell me what you're seeing, Gwen. Tell me about what's in this room, all right?"

She was there. The Death Eater held his wand high, the terror she felt was so deep, and then -- she heard Fabian’s voice. Gwen found herself lying on the ground, only vaguely aware of how it happened. Fabian asked her to tell him what was in the room.

Normally she would have a sassy answer for this, but she didn't know what was happening. So she started to describe what she could see from her vantage point on the floor. "Piano... chairs, with my tea and biscuits next to it. an oriental rug... a copper colored tray on the mantle over the fireplace."

And even though it wasn't 100% better, Gwen realized where she was. With Fabian, not kidnapped. There was nothing to be afraid of here. Why had she seen that? "What's going on? I just --" She was going to explain, and then for fear of being out back in hospital, stopped.

"It's okay." It had been a long time since Fabian had had to do this kind of thing for himself, but he still remembered how to do it. For the moment, he just needed to keep her mind off of whatever Gwen had been remembering. "We're going to do a little breathing exercise now. Breathe in and out from the gut, like you do on the pitch. In for a count of five, hold for two, out for five." He counted off as he were coaching her through some quidditch manoeuvre.

Fabian seemed to know what to do, and so she just listened to him. Breathing in and out as he instructed her, it took several long minutes but Gwen noticed after a while that she could breathe normally again and her heart rate seemed to slow. She knew where she was, what was going on, and it all came back slowly to being normal. After another few minutes, just to make sure it didn’t end really quickly, she turned to look at Fabian. “Thanks.” She sat herself up, but remained sitting on the floor for a bit. “How did you know to do that?”

"I told you about the girl, who died? The one I killed, trying to save her life? After that, I couldn't stop seeing her face, the way she'd looked. Her expression when the spell hit her, the life going out of her." Fabian shook his head, did another round of the breathing, let the memory go. "I had some help from healers after that, and I learned how to stop it. Stop my mind, really.

"And I had to do it all over again when I was in Azkaban, but that was a little different." The corner of one side of his mouth quirked up again. "I could tell you were--not all here. So I thought that might help."

He was describing exactly what she had gone through. Seeing it all again. It kept happening, particularly when she was feeling extra stressed. Which was nearly all the time now, even though she didn't say that. Gwen sighed and pressed her face into Fabian's shoulder.

"I feel bad, having you take care of me when you're under such stress. I'm a mess, Fabian. I don't want you to feel responsible for me right now."

"You need a little care for the next few days, but you mostly need to learn to help take care of yourself. And doing things helps me. It keeps me from dwelling on the things I can't do and can't help. So it's not an imposition, all right?" Fabian combed through Gwen's dark hair with the tips of his fingers, light and reassuring, but without enough pressure to hold her in place if she wanted to sit up.

"If you say so." Gwen knew how he felt, though. Just doing something, anything, would be helpful. The hospital had been the worst - those moments where she was alone, not even able to move around. It was like being trapped all over, it was all she could think of.

But as much as she wanted to go out and do something, she knew she couldn't. Too much of anything could land her back in the hospital. She'd already nearly set herself back by attending the Quidditch match at Hogwarts, and something like that again would land her back in St. Mungos.

Feeling alright, she finally picked herself up off the floor, letting Fabian help her back up and to the chair. "Fabian, I..." She started, unsure of what she wanted to say. "I don't know how to put my gratitude to you into words. Thank you isn't quite enough."

Most people would have said something reassuring about how all the thanks they hoped for was that Gwen would get well. But Fabian had been through some low points in his life, and he'd found that sort of reassurance patronising even when it was true. He'd been lied to and humoured and pitied, and he wouldn't do that to Gwen. "There will come a time when someone needs you, where you're in a position to help someone who needs it, sometime down the road. Might even be me." A ghost of a smile traced across Fabian's face for a moment. "Just--remember this. And remember that you can do good, even if you can't forget the bad things."