InsaneJournal

With such a set schedule every weekday morning (and most weekends), it was rare to find either Sirius or Remus not adhering to it. Add that to the fact that they kept their overnights together to a minimum on school nights, especially when the castle was filled with students, if only out of respect for their own privacy and the respect of their fellow professors.

So it was odd, indeed, that on one particular Thursday morning, Sirius awoke slowly in Remus's bed, his long legs tangled with two others, an arm stretched out over Remus's stomach. He blinked, warily, and then yawned, stretching, a bit cat-like, before he realized that it was the sun that had woken him up, and not an alarm clock or his own body prompting him to wake before dawn as it usually did.

Must be Saturday, he thought to himself. But then he realized that it wasn't Saturday at all. It was Thursday. And if the sun was up, then breakfast was starting soon and the first class of the day and -- Sirius sat up, suddenly, feeling himself start to panic, a feeling he didn't have very often at all.


It was very rare that Remus wasn't up before dawn. He didn't typically need to set any sort of alarm- his body was merely accustomed to decades' worth of habit by now. Those early morning hours were good for getting a proper start to the day- whether that meant tea, marking up students' papers, or just reading for his own sake- not a moment was wasted in idleness.

Of course, mornings where he got a nice lie in with Sirius were different- but those generally occurred over holidays when responsibilities were in far-off September. It wasn't that they never saw one another while they were at Hogwarts, of course- but, there, at least, discretion was the name of the game.

Discretion, however, was not what Remus felt when Sirius jolted up in bed beside him. He brought a hand up, covering his eyes for a moment to help adjust to the (apparent) sudden brightness in the room. "Padfoot?" His voice was tinged with grogginess- the reality hadn't quite set in yet.


"It's after eight," he said, in what might have passed for a whisper if they were in a crowded room instead of alone in Remus's bedroom. Sirius flipped the heavy quilt back and put his bare feet down on the cold floor. He shivered and reached for his shirt, which had been discard haphazardly the night before. He pulled in a tight breath and shook his head then stood up to start getting dressed quickly.


The words still took longer to sink in than they ought to have done- after eight what?- but, once they had, Remus was very quickly wide awake. The normal languid approach to mornings was quickly discarded in favor of salvaging whatever might be left of decorum this morning- something that was likely slipping away minute by minute.

Once he was finally dressed- ruffled and somewhat askew, yes, but dressed nonetheless- Remus set about shoving books and scrolls into his school bag. He was likely grabbing things for classes he didn't even have that morning, but that hardly seemed to matter in the moment. Finally, he looked back to Sirius. "You should- do you want me to cover for you, at breakfast? Do you need to go back to your rooms?"


Sirius didn't know the answer to that, he realized, as shaky hands did up the buttons on his shirt. It was strange. Years ago, Sirius would claim he was very used to the morning after and not caring about the time and everything but here, at Hogwarts, it was different. He kept his back to Remus, feeling his neck and even his cheeks pale and turn cold. He nodded. "All right," he said. "Wouldn't do to turn up in class wearing the same clothes as yesterday, would it?" he tried to quip but it came out less jokingly and more worriedly.

"I'm sorry," he said a moment later, quietly.


The apology surprised him- and not just because Sirius didn't give them out very often. But this, here, hardly seemed like the time for one- even if it was rather out of the ordinary. Remus stopped his packing up, and turned toward Sirius- though he hesitated. With Sirius' back toward him, and his voice lower, he wasn't quite sure if his reassurance would really be welcomed, now.

"You don't- We've not done anything wrong, Sirius," he offered, finally. Right?


No, of course they hadn't, but … "I'm usually more careful than this on the weekdays," Sirius said, reaching for his robes and pulling them on. He sat on the edge of the bed and started in with his shoes. "It's not that we've done something wrong," he continued on, "it's that I could leave here now, in the middle of the rush to breakfast, in clothes from yesterday, and everyone could see me."

Sirius turned to glance sideways at Remus. "I thought we agreed that we didn't want that."


"As I recall, there are two of us here- so any carelessness would be on us both, yes?" Not, he supposed, that passing blame around (or even sharing it) would do them much good at this point. Remus paused for a moment, then moved to sit beside Sirius on the bed- there was space left between them, yes, but it was better than standing across the room and staring at him awkwardly.

"I don't think we do, no, but that's- that would be true no matter who either of us had in our bed." Not that either of them were sharing their beds with other people, of course.


Sirius turned and looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "But right now it's true that I fucked up. This is your room and I should have been gone before sunrise." He held up a hand about it and the rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe I should just stay in here until everyone's in the Great Hall and then I can slip out and take the long way back to my office."

As his breathing returned to normal -- mostly -- he pressed his hands to his thighs. "What do you want me to do?" he asked, worried, more worried than Remus was, it appeared, and that shocked Sirius a lot.


Him being gone before sunrise made this all sound a lot more illicit (or even wrong) than Remus was really comfortable with. "I… don't know," Remus admitted, after a moment. He didn't like the idea of leaving Sirius here- especially not if his thoughts were already going to the I fucked up places- but he also knew that neither one of them could really afford to just waste away another hour here waiting for the corridors to clear out.

After a moment, Remus quietly reached for one of Sirius' hands, carefully lacing their fingers together. Maybe it didn't solve anything, but hopefully it didn't hurt, either.


Sirius was surprised again by Remus taking his hand. He looked at him curiously and then shook his head again, almost pulling his hand away. "I just don't want --" he started, hesitating for a moment, "to make you uncomfortable. And I know you're not ready." Hell, he didn't know if he was ready. Sure, people knew, and that was fine, but it was people they trusted and it wasn't the entire student body of Hogwarts.

"Fuck, wouldn't this just be easier if we were living together?" he blurted out.


No, he wasn't ready. Moreover, Hogwarts wasn't ready. Students already balked at the few Professors who were in straight relationships, how would they take to one that wasn't? More importantly, how would the Board take it? Remus knew that he and Sirius had Minerva's full support, but the last thing he wanted was to ask her to bring that fight to the board.

He couldn't lose Hogwarts. And it was more than just the knowledge that no one else would have him, if it came to that.

Sirius' exclamation surprised him, and Remus' hand tensed just slightly- but he didn't pull away. "Do you want that? I mean- all the time?" He hated how nervous the question sounded, when posed aloud- like a vulnerable and scared kid all over again, questioning whether or not, yes, really, these people wanted to actually be friends with him.


Sirius took a while before answering. He'd said as much to Lily. He'd thought about it too. It wasn't as though he didn't see Remus every day. Or that they didn't get to spend time together intimately. This wasn't a long distance relationship or some forbidden romance that would end in death. It was none of those things. He should be all right with their arrangement. It wasn't bad. It worked for them. Sirius had no right, he thought, to feel unsatisfied.

"I always want you all the time," Sirius said, simply, after a long moment. "If we weren't working here," he continued, "if we had other jobs and lived somewhere else, wouldn't we be living together?" Why did his heart thump and his chest tighten, as though he was worried that Remus would say that no, no they wouldn't be living together at all.


Remus hadn't really considered that sort of alternate history- perhaps because he couldn't imagine not living and working at Hogwarts, himself- but… Now that the suggestion was out there, well, the answer came easily enough. "Of course we would, Sirius. I don't- I'm not with you because it's convenient." Or even easy, because it wasn't, always.


He nodded. "Then why don't we do it here too?" he pressed on, the words tumbling out. He cleared his throat. "I know it'd be a big change but it -- it would be better, for both of us, I think, in the long run." Sirius knew it wasn't the best idea or even a realistic one, but they had to at least try and have the conversation.


It might have been easier for the two of them, but Remus also worried about the fallout within Hogwarts itself. Still, he couldn't ignore Sirius' side of things. "I just don't-" Remus shook his head. "I worry. And perhaps I shouldn't. I'm so used to hiding things about myself, Sirius. Some out of necessity, or- safety. But this- us…" His thoughts were jumbled, incoherent, and not really helpful, in the end.

"I want to be with you, Sirius. And I know you know that- I just- I'm saying so. Again. For the record. And that-" Remus took a deep, steadying breath. "That is more important than whatever other concerns this old mind circles around. So- yes. Yes, alright? Yes."


Sirius blinked a few times, as though he wasn't entirely sure he had heard Remus correctly. He hadn't just said yes, had he? He rubbed the spot behind his left ear and let out a sharp breath. "Did you just say yes?" Sirius asked, nearly holding his breath now in case he had somehow misunderstood or heard incorrectly.


"I said it three times, as I recall," Remus replied, a bit cheekily.


Sirius's entire face brightened and he reached out for Remus, his hand finding his jaw and pulling him in for a quick but deep kiss. "Yes," he echoed, his voice hoarse. "I hope Minerva gives us the all right," he added, but then he kissed him again, pulling back enough to lean his forehead against Remus's.


"We'll speak with her later." Because, even if Remus didn't want to give her the final say-so in something so personal, it did reflect on her and on Hogwarts. "Now-" He kissed Sirius again, staying close for a long moment afterward.


Sirius let himself be pulled into the kiss, the closeness, his eyes slipping closed. He hooked an arm around Remus and twisted on the bed to pull him closer. But then he pulled away, his breath heavy. "But now -- we have to go to breakfast."


"Later," Remus replied, then shook his head. "I mean- not breakfast later. Breakfast, yes, now. But later- us. This." He stood, offering a hand down to Sirius along with a playful grin. "We'll finish this later."


An eyebrow arched. "On a school day, Mr. Moony?" he teased. He took his hand and stood himself, then pulled Remus in for another quick kiss. "Do you want to sneak back in here after classes?"


"I like to live on the edge," Remus replied- which was laughable, really, in that it was so very far from the truth. "I'll see you back here then, Mr Padfoot."


Sirius couldn't help but lick his lips, sneaking in another lingering kiss. "I'd better."