HIGGS, terence. (higgles) wrote in reduxpitch, @ 2016-02-17 22:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, character: alicia spinnet, character: terence higgs |
WHO: Alicia Spinnet-Higgs and Terence Higgs-Spinnet
WHAT: Alicia brings Higgs soup to make him feel better. It kind of works.
WHEN: Wednesday, 17 February, 2002; after work
WHERE: Flint-Higgs household
RATING|STATUS: Triggery for PTSD | we're calling it complete
Alicia did not know how she felt about Terence being ill. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She was worried, mostly because she couldn’t remember him being sick and telling her to stay away before. Not that they’d really gotten to experience most of the things that couples did when they were together for multiple years, but he’d always seemed to be rather untouchable to her. As much as she knew that he was human just like her, it was difficult for her to imagine anything as small as an illness being able to take him down.
She fought the strong urge to go see him immediately following his owl; she couldn’t help it, she wanted to make sure he was alright. Clearly he was alive and couldn’t be too bad off if he was able to write her, but she wanted to set her own eyes on him for herself. However, she also wanted to bring him soup, and there were no shops open at that time of the morning, so, since she wouldn’t actually be able to do anything, she decided she’d just have to make him something.
Soup was easy to make. All she needed was some broth and noodles and chicken and maybe some vegetables, all things she had, and the stove. Instead of running--she could run later that night, or skip it entirely, it wouldn’t hurt her--she made soup. And maybe also looked into making an apple crumble, which she didn’t have all the ingredients for, but that could be fixed. She’d just run to the market during her lunch and then set it to bake while she finished her day.
Which was exactly what she did. She took a slightly longer lunch and left an hour early, but she brought her paperwork home with her so it wouldn’t set her back any. The first thing she did at her flat was take the pie out of the oven to cool, and went to take a shower and change from her robes. The pie was still too warm by the time she pulled the soup out of the ice box to put in a tupperware container to lend him, but Alicia didn’t want to wait around for it any longer, and simply carried it with oven mitts on. Using a balancing act to keep the pie, soup, and her shoulder bag from falling while she waved her wand at the door to lock it and set the wards, she turned and Apparated to the flat that Terence shared with Marcus and knocked.
--
The first few hours after Higgs had woken up that night had been sort of a blur. Everything had been too bright or too loud, but also, somehow, too dark and too quiet at the same time. He’d gone out for a run, showered, made tea. Done all the things he usually did in the mornings. Except it had been 4 am by the time he had already finished them all. The owl he had sent to Alicia had taken six redrafts, which was ridiculous seeing how it barely consisted of two sentences. At least he had sent one. Higgs had been rather pleased at even being able to remember to write to her to say that he wouldn’t be able to make their morning run.
In retrospect, he probably could have. Probably could have gone into work, too. He was fine. By seven in the morning the sounds had gone and Higgs mostly just felt tired. His hand had started to ache, reminding him to cast a spell to fix the mirror. He hadn’t bothered with one for his hand, it’d heal, the mirror would not. It wasn’t shrapnel, after all, a voice in his head reminded him. And even his shrapnel scars had healed, even if they did linger on his skin far more prominently than Higgs would have ever liked them to.
He had slept. Not a great deal, but he had slept. Whilst Higgs didn’t particularly want Alicia to visit, he also wasn’t sure how to refuse without sounding rude, so in the end he had just been glad she had said ‘after work’ not ‘before’. Higgs had gone out shopping, getting groceries from the small Tesco near the house rather than the big shops he usually went to, mostly because the corner Tesco barely ever had anyone in it.
By the time evening came, Higgs felt much better. His head had returned to a steady, manageable thought process, which meant that he had found it rather easy to cook a light dinner, since he didn’t want to turn down Alicia’s promised soup. When the knock finally came, Higgs had just boiled the kettle, because his timing was impeccable.
“Come in,” he said opening the door and offering her a smile. It wasn’t deep or heartfelt but it wasn’t a lie either. “You really shouldn’t have bothered,” he told her as they walked back to the kitchen. He hadn’t bothered with kissing her ‘hello’ but he had told her he might be infectious so that was probably for the best anyway. “Even, though, I do appreciate you coming over,” he added, turning his head slightly to offer her another smile, this time it might have even reached his eyes.
--
Terence did not look well. He looked tired, exhausted even. Not necessarily physically ill--although Alicia knew better than most that physical illness did not always present in a way that made someone look safe--but he certainly didn't look well at all. Seeing him upright and dressed, making tea, alleviated a little bit of her concern, but his appearance in general made her furrow her brow as she followed him into the kitchen and sat down the containers of food.
"I wanted to," she told him. Alicia knew she didn't have to, that it wasn't her responsibility, even as his wife, but she honestly liked being able to be there for him. He'd been by her side so much while she struggled in just the short time he'd been home, even though he'd had no moral obligation to, and she wanted to be able to repay that. She wanted to feel like she was giving back to him as much as she was taking. "I made chicken soup and apple crumble with cream."
With her hands free, she stepped toward him to get a better look at him, her fingertips brushing his arm without consciously meaning to.
"How are you feeling?"
--
It took actual effort not to pull back when Alicia touched his arm, but Higgs was sure that she wouldn’t have noticed because he stopped himself before his body could actually flinch at the touch. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t expected it, but the first brush of her fingers against him had startled him. Instead, Higgs smiled softly at her. “I’m fine,” he replied. “Bit on the tired side, but much better than this morning,” and that wasn’t a lie, which, in a way, was rather pleasing just by its sheer implication to be a truth. Besides, he was tired and he was better than he had been that morning.
He looked over at the tupperware she had set aside and grinned. “Apple crumble?” Higgs asked with genuine excitement in his voice, even if it did maybe sound slightly less energetic than he normally would’ve managed. “I should get sick more often,” he joked, before lifting his hand to cup Alicia’s cheek as he pulled her closer so he could press a kiss against her forehead. “Thank you,” Higgs said softly against her skin before pulling back to fetch the box with soup in it so he could heat it up.
There were plenty of warming charms Higgs could have used, he was sure, but he also found it a lot easier to just pull out a pot and warm the soup in that. After pouring the soup in the pot, Higgs went back to making them tea, offering Alicia a mug once it was ready. “How was work?” He asked turning around to look at her.
--
It made Alicia very happy to see his reaction, even if it was to the dessert, rather than the meal; but then, that had been the entire point of making it in the first place. Even if he couldn’t be excited about anything else, she knew he would perk up at the mention of his favorite dessert. She’d always made it when he came home, because she wanted him to be surrounded by his favorite things he couldn’t have in the army, even before they were married; he hadn’t gotten it on the first dinner home back then, when his family had come first, but always at the first opportunity. Now that he was back (but not really home), she liked the idea of making him food again.
“It may come as a surprise, but I like making you things. That I don’t even need the recipe for anymore.” Alicia was actually quite proud of that fact, considering she was no chef. But she didn’t need to be, because she could follow directions, and even knew a few things about substituting ingredients when necessary.
“Work was work,” she shrugged. “I actually brought some home with me in case I stayed a bit.” She hoped he’d let her stay for a while, even if they didn’t talk or touch much. Mostly, she just hoped he’d let her take care of him a little. Terence was clearly mobile on his own, but that wasn’t the point. He didn’t feel great, she was there, and she did feel good. Clearly he should let her look after him.
--
If Higgs had thought that it seemed like he didn’t appreciate the soup as much as he did the crumble, he would have felt quite guilty. He did appreciate the fact that Alicia had felt the need to come and check on him, had brought him soup to feel better, especially since he knew that it was him who had always insisted on soup being the fix-all. At her words of liking to cook for him, Higgs did smile. He had never felt like she had to and at times, during the first wave of their marriage, he had sometimes felt uncomfortable with just how much it seemed that Alicia felt she needed to do things for him. It wasn’t like he had ever asked her to, to Higgs it would have mattered little of whether she made him home cooked meals or called takeaway when he came back on leave. Obviously, the home cooked food was nice but it was also unnecessary as far as he was concerned.
“I do appreciate this,” he told her honestly as he walked over to the cooker to give the soup a stir. He wasn’t aiming for it to be hot, just warm enough to consume. “You want any?” He asked fetching himself a bowl. There was enough for two, there was probably enough for five, if he wanted to be perfectly honest. Listening to her brush over what work had been like, Higgs nodded pouring some of the soup out and getting himself a spoon. He leaned against a counter to take a tentative spoonful, smiling as he swallowed. Whilst Higgs might have never asked her to cook for him, the taste of the soup reminded him a lot of the times she had. “It’s nice,” he told her before having some more of it.
There was a degree of guilt within Higgs, as he thought of her making the soup for him, making the crumble for him, because Alicia thought he was ill. It wasn’t like he was well, even Higgs could recognise that, but he wasn’t ill. Still, it also wasn’t like he knew how to tell her that or even less, wanted to point it out. In actual fact, he wasn’t too sure what to say. His mind was still a touch fuzzy, even if it felt far more together than it had that morning. Tomorrow he would be fine, Higgs knew that, he just wished she hadn’t seen him like this at all. It was rather hard to be the perfect husband when so very little about you was in any way perfect.
--
Terence’s insistence of the healing powers of soup and tea was entirely the reason Alicia decided to bring him the former (because she knew he would have the latter, obviously); not that she didn’t also believe in the healing powers of broth, but the fact that those two things were his go-to fix for everything was one of the quirks she loved about him. It never failed to make her smile. She just wished there was actually something she could do to help him. She didn’t know his illness wasn’t a physical one, because he’d said it was and she had no reason to doubt him, so the only thing she could do was offer food and her presence, and hoped that one or both brought him some comfort. Alicia remembered what his sister had said about making him happy just by being herself, and sincerely hoped that was true; sometimes she doubted it, doubted herself, but she was trying very hard to push on anyway. That was why she was there, even though he’d said to stay away.
“Yeah, I could have some,” she responded; she almost told him no, that he should keep it all so he could have some later or tomorrow, but when she looked back down at the bowl, she realized that maybe she’d gone a bit overboard and made more than enough for a couple days. And she hadn’t even before bringing it to him, so there was her own hunger to contend with.
Alicia helped herself and let him eat; her own backside leaning against one of the counters, she looked around and realized how quiet it was, and that she hadn’t been greeted by the dog yet.
“It’s so quiet in here. Where’s Fi?”
--
After pouring some of soup in a bowl for Alicia, Higgs handed it over with a spoon, as he retook his position against the counter, looking up at her when she commented on how quiet the place was. It was almost a relief that it wasn’t just him who noticed the quiet. Higgs felt somewhat justified in finding it quiet now that Alicia had also said that she did. “She’s in London with Marcus,” Higgs replied, glancing around the flat as if expecting either of the two to suddenly appear, even though he knew they wouldn’t. Marcus was dealing with his father, had said as much to Higgs, and in all fairness, knowing what Marcus’ relationship with his dad was like, Higgs didn’t doubt that Marcus needed Fi around more than Higgs did. Besides, she was his, so it wasn’t like Higgs had any claim on the dog.
Once again he fell back into silence. Higgs wanted to say things, he wanted to talk to Alicia, ask her questions, but he just couldn’t. There wasn’t enough energy in him to be able to. So he half-ate, half-drank his soup, letting the silence settled around them. Wasn’t that part of what being comfortable with each other was meant to be about? The silences. Higgs didn’t actually feel uncomfortable, not at all, he just felt guilty for not being capable of currently having a conversation, whether it be with Alicia or anyone else. Alicia was probably the best option in this situation, since Higgs didn’t think he would have been able to even cope with seeing someone else right now. As much as he loved his friends, they could be an effort.
Finishing the soup, Higgs put the bowl down on the side, before looking up at Alicia again, sending her a small smile. “Thank you, pet,” he said softly. “This was delicious,” he told her truthfully, because it had been. Whilst the soup had been great in its own right, the way it brought back memories of times before, well, that helped to anchor Higgs a great deal, which he was incredibly thankful for, even if the wasn’t able to tell her as much.
--
Alicia had no idea about his internal dialogue, but she would have been both very pleased and very worried to hear it. Pleased because she brought him some comfort (because that had been the whole point in this), that he wanted to talk to her, and that he didn’t think her presence a burden or effort, and worried for a multitude of reasons that would include his mental health, fatigue, and how he viewed what was wrong with him. If she knew what he thought, she’d hold him and never let him go because his pain was just as real as hers--perhaps even more so, not that it was a contest--and he deserved the same comfort she did.
Now, she may not have known what was wrong, but she did notice the way he kept thanking her in the silences. Like he didn’t have anything else to say, but she knew that wasn’t true; Terence always had things to say. Talking to him was almost effortless; he always knew the right questions to ask and when, and she’d always wanted to tell him the truth, even if she’d previously withheld things because she didn’t want to be a burden.
“Does it bother you? The silence?” she asked him. “I started listening to a lot of music, when we moved into the flat. It helped a lot with the quiet.” That had been one of the worst parts of Terence being gone. Before they married, Alicia had still lived at home with her mother, and since they were both bringing in money, the older Spinnet hadn’t had to work as much to pay the bills, especially with the help from Asher and Ashleigh. And they’d had lunches and dinners together, so any alone or quiet times had been welcome, rather than torturous. But after moving out, that all changed. The silence just reminded her that her husband was overseas, and that it would be months before she saw him again. It had ceased to become a refuge, and instead became the worst sound imaginable. They’d had a dog, and that had helped, but nothing helped more than filling the space with music (not that it had really helped terribly much, obviously), and it was something she’d continued after they split up and the dog died. She still listened to music when she didn’t want to feel alone.
--
The question surprised Higgs and he looked at Alicia thoughtfully. Did the silence bother him? It wasn’t like he couldn’t cope with it, mostly, but he’d never considered whether it was an actual bother. Perhaps it was, Higgs thought. He clearly hadn’t coped with it well, but Higgs had also assumed it was being on his own more than it was the silence, but then, perhaps the two went more hand-in-hand than he would have presumed. “Sometimes,” he finally settled on, an honest answer. He’d never been into music greatly, really, so it wasn’t something he would have considered as a solution. But it was a good suggestion. It was definitely better than nothing. It also made him want to ask, to ask how she made the empty echoes go away, but Higgs didn’t particularly want to hear that she hadn’t, so he didn’t ask.
There was an unrest within him, Higgs could feel it. Whilst his mind was much clearer, it now felt almost too clear. It would sort itself out by tomorrow, it always did, so Higgs wasn’t too concerned, but there was still a restlessness within him that wanted to break out and he didn’t know what the correct steps were to stop that. He hadn’t wanted Alicia to come over, he really hadn’t, but now that she was here, it felt... grounding. Like she was the anchor he needed to make sure he doesn’t float out into the sea. It was a strange feeling and briefly Higgs wondered if she got that, too, sometimes. But again, asking would involve more questions than answers, so he didn’t.
Instead, Higgs breached the gap between them, reaching out to pull Alicia into a hug, her body pressed against his as he pushed his face against her hair, inhaling deeply. Until that very moment, Higgs hadn’t realised just how much he needed that. Needed to feel her against him, needed to make sure she was real. He wanted to tell her, he really did, but that was not easy or maybe even possible, so instead, Higgs held her against him and wondered why it felt like he hadn’t hugged her in years, when he knew for a fact he had quite recently.
--
Alicia hadn't quite finished her soup when Terence moved forward, but she had enough time to put the bowl down before he wrapped his arms around her. She didn't mind at all, it wasn't like she'd been especially hungry, and there was never actually a time when she didn't want to be touching him. Putting her arms around his neck felt as natural as breathing, and as much like home as anything ever could.
No, the thing that bothered her, was the way he held her, like he'd been gone for months and missed her. And maybe he was still acclimating to having her back after three and a half years apart, but it made her wonder if perhaps there was something else that he wasn’t saying.
“Hey, what's wrong?” she asked gently, hoping he would tell her. Even if she wasn't expected to tell him everything, Alicia genuinely wanted to know what was going through his mind at any given moment. If it was good, she wanted to share in it; if it was bad, she wanted to help fix it.
--
Higgs wasn’t particularly sure whether he could quantify and explain what was wrong. The answer was as much ‘nothing’ as ‘plenty’. Today was not a good day but tomorrow would be better. Higgs knew enough about what his coping strategies should be, which is why whilst he might have taken today off, he had no intention to do it tomorrow, too. Yes, he hadn’t wanted to see anyone today, and he probably wouldn’t want to see anyone tomorrow either, but realistically, Higgs knew better than to give into the temptation of socially isolating himself. He could barely manage a night in on his own, he sure as fuck was not going to do well with even more time on his own.
“I didn’t sleep well,” was what Higgs finally settled on before pressing a light kiss against Alicia’s hair and taking a step back. There was no lie in his words, because he hadn’t slept well. The more honest thing would have probably be to explain to her why he hadn’t slept well, but Higgs neither wanted to nor knew how to. He gave her a small shrug instead. “I’ll be better tomorrow,” he said with confidence. He would be better tomorrow. This was hardly the first (and unlikely the last) time his head wasn’t particularly clear. It’d pass. It always did (even if it did then return).
Moving away, Higgs busied himself with finding more bowls and spoons for the crumble. He didn’t feel hungry for it, but there was a strong sense that it would be rude not to at least have some. Perhaps on a different day, Higgs wouldn’t have felt so obliged to follow his strong sense of what good manners were or weren’t but currently he didn’t have a great deal to lead him, so manners seemed a pretty reasonable thing to concentrate on. “Are you staying for a bit?” He asked her over his shoulder. Higgs wanted her to but he also wouldn’t have asked her to if she said she couldn’t or wouldn’t.
--
It seemed that every time he moved away from her--not just that day, but every day--Alicia wanted to follow after him for just one more hug, one more minute, one more touch. Even when he would come home after being gone, she didn’t think she’d taken proper advantage of him, because now all she wanted to do was touch him, and it made her feel like she’d lost something every time he stepped back. For a while, she hadn’t felt like she had that right, but every time they’d talked about their relationship and set more boundaries, and especially since Sunday, Alicia had been more and more confident in herself and her role in the relationship.
So, when he moved to dig into dessert, she paused for only a moment before she moved forward and leaned against his back, her fingers running down over the muscles she loved touching, down to his sides. She didn’t try anything else, as they were taking things slow; she just wanted to touch him.
“Yeah. I can stay until you get tired of me.” It was mostly meant as a joke, because she didn’t think he would, but she also didn’t think he’d ask her to stay even if he needed her to. Which was why she was going to ask him first. “Do you want me to stay tonight, if it’s too quiet? I’ll sleep on the couch.”
--
Higgs dished out the crumble into bowls, pouring some cream over it as he pondered Alicia’s question. The thing was, that yes, he would have liked her to stay, both because it was quiet and because he genuinely wanted her there. The problem, however, was that Higgs wasn’t too sure she should stay. It made him feel awful to think that she might expect him to make her sleep on the sofa, because he wouldn’t. But then, he also didn’t want to offer to sleep on the sofa, because it implied that he didn’t want to sleep next to her. Which he did. Quite a lot, actually. The idea of how much comfort that might offer him was slightly overpowering. He couldn’t, though. That was the whole point. Higgs couldn’t just say that yes, she should stay and that no, she shouldn’t sleep on the sofa, she should sleep with him. That was not an option he could currently offer.
“I should be okay,” he finally said, handing one of the bowls over to Alicia, before reaching out for her free hand and linking their fingers together. Fetching some spoons on his way, Higgs tugged on Alicia’s hand to lead them over to the sofa, pulling her close as they sat down, before letting go of her hand to have some of the crumble. It tasted... like home. It really did. Alicia had always made an excellent crumble, but also Higgs always felt that it was a very distinguishable crumble. The type his mum made also tasted of home, but in a very different way.
After a moment of eating in silence, Higgs sighed softly. “I get nightmares,” he said, even though he could recall having mentioned it to her. Then again, he wasn’t sure whether Alicia would remember since she hadn’t been doing very well when he had mentioned it the previous time. “Sometimes they can be--” He paused trying to think of the right word. “Aggressive,” is what Higgs finally settled on because it was accurate. He wasn’t looking at her as he said it, because it felt like looking at Alicia would somehow make the admission more true. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly, barely audibly.
--
Alicia did not quite believe him when he said he’d be okay, but she didn’t know where the line was between being just pushy enough and too much, and didn’t want to cross it. All she could do was hope that he’d give up more information willingly. Which he did, and that made her happy, but only a little bit. She sat the bowl of crumble in her lap and frowned at him.
She remembered now that he’d mentioned the nightmares before, but she realized that she hadn’t been taking it seriously. And maybe that was his intention, to play it off as though it wasn’t important; she had no idea why he’d do that, unless he didn’t want her to worry. In which case, now she was going to worry about him anyway.
“I don’t believe for a moment there’s anything inside you that could hurt me,” she told him honestly, but perhaps naively. Alicia had never seen anyone have the kinds of nightmares he was describing, so she really didn’t know how bad they could be, but she also didn’t believe he’d ever do anything, unconsciously or otherwise, to hurt her. Especially since she’d already spent the night with him once. Hadn’t she?
--
The statement was partially true, Higgs thought. Well, technically, it was fully true because Higgs was sure that Alicia didn’t think there was anything within him that could hurt her. The problem was that Higgs knew better. He knew how violent his nightmares got and if he would have been perfectly honest with himself (and perhaps her), he would also know that those were hardly the only issue. At least once since he had returned permanently he had suffered a flashback induced by loud noise. It was why he tried to avoid busy places. They set him on an edge that Higgs really rather didn’t think about.
He wanted to tell her as much. Tell her that she was wrong and there was something within him that could hurt her. But he wanted to desperately cling to the idea that there wasn’t. Not so desperately that he would entertain the idea to pretend and risk hurting her. He wasn’t stupid enough for that. Higgs had seen what this sort of thing did to people. Had known plenty of soldiers whose marriages had fallen apart. Had seen plenty of soldiers whose lives had fallen apart. Higgs knew what the statistics were for suicides for ex-soldiers. Homelessness for ex-soldiers. Divorce. Domestic abuse. He might have never been particularly booksmart in school but he wasn’t stupid.
“I think,” Higgs finally said, breaking the silence that had fallen between them. “That spending time with you will help?” He offered because he couldn’t, wouldn’t let her stay. Even if they slept separately, Higgs wasn’t ready to risk her seeing what he might be like. It didn’t bother him to think that Marcus might, because they had an understanding wherein they didn’t discuss emotional matters. That was fine. But with Alicia? Higgs just didn’t want to lie to her about it, but he also didn’t feel like he could currently disclose to her. Hell, he couldn’t disclose to himself, so telling her about it wasn’t even the biggest hurdle. Having her here for a bit, though, that would help, Higgs was sure.
--