azureopal (azureopal) wrote in qaf_crackfic, @ 2007-09-22 22:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | azureopal, hysterical humor |
A New Spin on Crack Fic . . .
Title: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hairy Ass
Author: Azureopal
Summary: Brian, Justin and the guys rate crack. (I'm not sure this works, so please tell me if it doesn't and how I could go about fixing it . . .)
Disclaimer: I don't own them . . . obviously.
“Behind every great man-.”
“Not all men are great,” Justin interjected, his face contorting into a look of sheer disgust.
“Okay. Behind every man there is-.”
“A great behind?” Emmett asked, gesturing from where they stood on the catwalk toward the stage on the first level of Babylon.
“If I’d ever get to finish a thought-.”
“We need a ratings system,” Ted mused, nursing his Pepsi.
“We need to rate crack?” Brian asked, unable to contain a short burst of laughter.
“Crack’s like cock. Some are good, some aren’t . . . some it really doesn’t matter because they keep you entertained anyway.”
“You’re so analytical, Theodore,” Brian muttered. “Or would that be anal-lytical?”
“Both suit me just fine.”
“I agree with Teddy. We need a ratings system. That way if, for instance, you’re on the phone with a friend, and a really hot guy walks by, and you just happen to check out his ass, you can say, ‘Oh, I just saw this guy with a 9 in the ass department’ and he’d know exactly what kind of ass you’re referring to.”
“What if he’s so confused by that simple little statement that he thinks you’re talking about seeing a 9-inch cock getting ready to pound some asses?” Brian asked.
“But . . . it’s such a clear and straightforward statement . . . how can anyone get that confused?”
“Not everyone’s as smart as Brian thinks he is, Ted,” Justin replied, earning a brief glare from Brian.
“We need a control. Every experiment has to have a control.” Emmett glanced around the other men milling about on the catwalk, before turning his attention back to Justin. “Looks like you’re it.”
“Why am I it?”
“I’ve seen your ass and it’s gorgeous. Some crack is worthy of worship.”
“I worship it every day. Sometimes twice,” Brian snarked.
“Three times today.”
“What can I say? I passed on the wafer years ago and went for more pleasurable ways of worshiping. Instead of theoretically eating the body of one man, I’d rather eat your ass.”
“Okay, then! Can you stop giving us all spontaneous rimming-talk-induced erections? Back to the crack ratings.”
“Okay, given that Justin is the control, and on a scale of one to ten, he’s a 12, and given that I know his crack like no other, I think I should create the system. Input will, of course, be welcome.” Brian narrowed his eyes and peered at the first man lined up on stage for the Big Dick contest, ass facing the audience, and pronounced, “Pathetic crack. It’s too small. There’s nothing to it. Nothing of interest. By the time you start, drift down a little, get a sense you’re going to get into it, it’s gone. I give it a 4.”
“Ouch! Harsh . . .”
“I’m willing to bump it up to a 5, but I will not go any higher.”
“I agree with the 4,” Justin remarked. “It’s just . . . boring.”
“Um, guys . . . a crack is a crack,” Michael piped up, from where he stood next to Ben.
“Professor . . . in your vast experience, do most cracks look the same?”
“No. Well, you can usually tell the ones you want nothing to do with right from the beginning. Like, contestant number 7 . . . if he wasn’t trimming everything, he’d look like a Chia Pet. Now, I’ll give him credit for trying to control that which is nearly impossible. But he’s doing it himself which, based on the stubble clearly visible on his back, he isn’t doing too good a job of. Now, if his back looks like that . . .”
“Ew.” And Justin made his patented contorted-look-of-sheer-disgust once again. Because, honestly, he made that expression better than anyone . . . but I digress.
“Things could be moving along just fine. You start at the top, you’re getting into it and enjoying it and thinking it’s going to get better. But then you move a bit further into the depths-.”
“The bowels, if you will.”
“Teddy!”
“What?”
“And you’re about to really sink your teeth into it . . . and you’re faced with a classic case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hairy Ass. As in, it was all nice at first, and then it just sort of turns on you and isn’t at all what it seemed. It’s the crack that kills.” Brian shook his head slightly as if contemplating the unfairness of it all.
“Some people like that kind of crack,” Michael piped up.
“Some people are stupid.”