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felonius_monk (felonius_monk) wrote in qaf_crackfic,
@ 2009-06-17 08:48:00

Current mood:	crazy
Entry tags:	au, embraced

Like bacon with nitrates, crack cocaine, and The National Enquirer

SOME THINGS ARE JUST TOO DELICIOUSLY BAD TO RESIST!!

With Bunny's (*pets pets pets*) blessing, I make this offering to the collective crackpipe..........

EMBRACED by JTSecrets at Midnight Whispers http://www.midnightwhispers.ca/viewstory.php?sid=1018

MORE whack than crack its ownself, EMBRACED is a 91-chapter (so far) B/J vampire!fic WIP that is more crackly and stank than the deep‑fried pig cracklin's my cholesterol‑drenched Southern heart loves so much!! There are almost 700 comments to this smutty crackfest of awesome awfulness. (Good to know there are so many other crackheads out there, although they seem dreamily oblivious to the fact that they're crackheads. I say: Be loud and be proud! Let your Crack!Whore banner wave free!)

The Lure: The banner by The Pandemically Prolific Pannkakan is sooooooo hauntingly beautiful, and it sucked me (pun fully intended) in to this vamp!fic.

The Reality: EMBRACED is beyond badly written. Gives a whole new meaning to bad!crack!fic. Filthy and hilariously funny at the same time. Explicitly violent and yet moralistically preachy. The incongruent mores of this story keep me twisting my eyebrows more than Brian Kinney ever did, laughing, wiggling in my chair, scoffing, cursing, and somehow accepting the same within the context of the story while vehemently disagreeing.

Just a few highlights (and I'm only on Ch. 49):

· Vampire!Brian, who can do supernatural things with his vampire dick and tongue and whose blood gives Justin LSD trips

· RockStar!LostBoysTownFounder!Justin (Vampire!Brian's "embraced one" with The Most High Holy Blood Ever Known to Mankind)

· More beautiful, tasty BOYS than my (your) perverted mind ever dreamed of

· More wealth than The Fifty Richest People in the World Today, times thousands of years

· Brian douching Justin's ass

· Brian sticking his dick and tongue so far inside Justin’s ass that he touches his heart

· Emmett as the flaming, benevolent Vampire Fagan of Liberty Avenue

· Deb, Mother Hen of the gay vamps, embraceds, and familiars of Liberty Avenue (and then some)

· Celebrity!Vampires, Celebrity!Embraceds, and Celebrity!Familiars

· Oprah gets dissed!! *does the Snoopy dance*

· 13‑year‑old girl has sex with 15‑year‑old boy with full encouragement of parents, siblings, and others (and the girl’s “visionary” brother watches the whole time) =O

· Seitas Fajitas

· A Daphne sammich

· Speshul Guest Star appearances by Ellen DeGeneres, Count Dracula, and The Cullens (from Twilight)

EMBRACED is a head‑on, multiple‑train wreck of swollenheaded!bad!crackfic!writer, worshipful!beta, in‑denial!crackwhores and an out‑and‑proud crackwhore who openly admits she can’t stop sucking on the pipe.

How bad is my addiction to EMBRACED? Go here http://s589.photobucket.com/albums/ss333/felonius_monk1960/EMBRACED/?start=all to find out.

I love it when the joke’s on ME!! *repeatedly bangs head against Vampire!Brian’s 3‑foot long, 6‑inches round dick whilst entangled in Embraced!Justin’s waist‑length blond hair*

FUN!! FUN!! FUN!!

Back to the pipe now,

Monk

(Post a new comment)

	outlander 2009-06-17 09:14 am UTC (link)
	o_0 Even I am speechless. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-17 10:22 am UTC (link)
	ROFLMFAO Even though I tried, there truly are no adequate words to describe the pure crackaliciousness of EMBRACED. (Reply to this) (Parent)

ex_4cupcakes771
2009-06-17 01:48 pm UTC (link)

LMFAO. That says a lot! &hearts

Seriously: Phrases like, "BITE IT OFF," come to mind, if I remember correctly.

I wasn't sure it was the same fic, until I clicked and recognized the banner.

Some of it is truly hard to, ahem...swallow. For me, anyway. I haven't been able to get through a single chapter for the intense, I don't even know what to call it, "vampire sex" factor? The biting off of dicks, I just can't take. Or maybe that was supposed to be metaphorical? Which is odd, because I'm not usually squeamish.

Sorry if that's too much of a spoiler.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	outlander 2009-06-17 02:04 pm UTC (link)
	OMG...if it is freaking even you, my little crack pushing mama out, I may have to check it out. rotf. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

ex_4cupcakes771
2009-06-17 02:22 pm UTC (link)

I'm not saying it's not high on the crack meter...I mean, Justin's hair in the banner alone was enough to draw me in for a try. I just couldn't stomach it once I got into the real gory stuff. Which for me, was not far into it.

The giant Brian dick (and him begging Justin to chew it off??---Sorry, spoiler!) was way too much for my delicate constitution, I suppose. I did like the other Brian/Justin vampire one, with the big sand banner...but all that vampire stuff was more toned down and more emotional, I guess.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 08:36 am UTC (link)
	"the other Brian/Justin vampire one, with the big sand banner" drooling like Homer Simpson Must.....read..... Where is it, please? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ex_4cupcakes771 2009-06-18 10:53 am UTC (link)
	I'm so bad with names...Sorry for the vague description. Here you go...I enjoyed this one and it's finished. Plus it only has NINE chapters plus an epilogue. LOL. It's called Silent Lucidity and it's by LJ's Inner_Justin & Ryosato. http://inner-justin.livejournal.com/tag/silent+lucidity Enjoy! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ex_4cupcakes771 2009-06-18 10:55 am UTC (link)
	I noticed the link I sent you was missing the link to Ch. 9, which was posted in Ryosato's LJ. Here you go. http://ryosato.livejournal.com/851819.html#cutid1 (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 11:23 am UTC (link)
	OH. MY. GOD. I've already burned "Silent Lucidity" in my crackpipe! What you call "the big sand banner" is what I call "coin relief Brian and Justin." One of the most beautiful banners I have ever seen. It's saved to My Pictures. squeezes you (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ex_4cupcakes771 2009-06-18 11:28 am UTC (link)
	LMAO...too funny...I always referred to it to Outlander as the big pic of B/J in sand....As in: "OOOOH....my big vampire sand banner fic posted an update!" (Reply to this) (Parent)

	girloftheburbs 2009-06-17 09:17 am UTC (link)
	Is it categorized as a crack!fic? That is the crackliest fic I've ever heard, but it does sound fun. :) Just the description of Brian's tongue... ahem :O (Reply to this) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-17 10:33 am UTC (link)
	The most awesome thing about this crackalicious story is that the author truly believes he is a talented writer and doesn't even acknowledge the concept of "crackfic." (I know because he and I are emailing.) EMBRACED is fun times infinity. Brian's vampire tongue in Justin's embraced ass equals multiple orgasms. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	girloftheburbs 2009-06-17 01:26 pm UTC (link)
	OMG... I'll take a, um, crack at it. ;-) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 08:44 am UTC (link)
	Oh, you must! Drinking Beam and smoking Chronic with Canon!Brian whilst doing so will greatly enhance your enjoyment. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ahaw9913 2009-06-17 11:41 am UTC (link)
	OMG! This sounds BEYOND Crack! Is there a beyond crack? Wow! I may have to work up my nerve to try this one! But, seriously?!?...91 chapters?!? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 08:53 am UTC (link)
	Yes, there is BEYOND CRACK. EMBRACED defines it. Now we must come up with a catchy name for BEYOND CRACK. Crackyond? That sux ANIAPLAW, but you must remember I've been on the pipe for awhile. I don't think it takes "nerve" to read this. Just the Heart of a Crack!Whore and a great sense of humor. (Reply to this) (Parent)

michira_70
2009-06-17 12:01 pm UTC (link)

A few weeks ago I read some chapters of this fic.
I had to stop, because it's really, really bad.
I laughed my ass off!
Sorry, but it's the worst crack!bad! fic I ever read.
It's beyond crack!bad! indeed.
The worst thing is, that this guy thinks he's a good writer.
Even I, with my bad english, saw the horrible grammar and the many, many typos.
One of my favourite typos was 'organism' or 'orgasism', I think, instead of 'orgasm'!!!! Not just once!
And the rewievs he gets, OMG. Like a bunch of cheerleaders, they worship him.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	michira_70 2009-06-17 12:20 pm UTC (link)
	Oops, speaking of typos, this should be spelled reviews not rewievs. (Reply to this) (Parent)

felonius_monk
2009-06-18 09:12 am UTC (link)

So was it the banner that sucked you in temporarily? That banner is death to all reason, even a crackwhore's reason.

"One of my favourite typos was 'organism' or 'orgasism', I think, instead of 'orgasm'!!!! Not just once!

*jumps up and down and flails hands like Emmett* OMG OMG OMG YES!! And the fic is supposedly BETA'D for crack's sake! Hysterically funny!

And the rewievs he gets, OMG. Like a bunch of cheerleaders, they worship him.

Aaaawwww. *pets the poor pitiful cheerleaders whilst making fun of them and slapping them upside the head ala Debbie* I could say more about the cheerleaders, but out of respect for Bunny and the spirit of this delicious community, I'll bite my tongue.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

michira_70
2009-06-18 01:35 pm UTC (link)

So was it the banner that sucked you in temporarily?

Not really. I somehow noticed, that the story is about vampires and that got me hooked. I love vampire storys, crack! or not. But this one is so nonono.

I should have known better, because he's written another story, I tried to read before and it was as horrible as this story. I had to stop at chapter 6 or so.

You know the *Novel*?? It's called 'The future of Brian and Justin'.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-19 10:20 am UTC (link)
	dies from your preggers Brian with treasure trail and pubic hair icon Oh! I've been resurrected because you love vampire stories, too. Please send me recs! Uh, The Novel Known as The Future of Brian and Justin by JTSecrets. You went where I will never tread. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

michira_70
2009-06-19 01:04 pm UTC (link)

*dies from your preggers Brian with treasure trail and pubic hair icon*
Then you will love the Justin icon too!*points icon*

Oh! I've been resurrected because you love vampire stories, too. Please send me recs!
LOL, the first entry in my journal was a question about vampire fics.

Here's the link to my journal, you find some good fics in the comments.

http://michira-70.insanejournal.com/494.html

You can search in the memories of getithere too.

http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=getithere&keyword=vampire!fic&filter=all

I'm reading 'Taste' by LJ's lyrical_tragedy. It's a WIP and you have to be friended.

http://lyrical-tragedy.livejournal.com/

That's all for now!

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	pfodge 2009-06-17 12:16 pm UTC (link)
	Lol...I had to stop reading this one. It was hurting my brain. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	girloftheburbs 2009-06-17 01:29 pm UTC (link)
	I adore your icon. :) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	pfodge 2009-06-17 01:32 pm UTC (link)
	qafmaniac made it. I find it so appropriate here. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 09:31 am UTC (link)
	Oooooohhhhhh! I'm all twitterpated! Dish! Dish! Was it the banner that lured you in? Just how much did you read before your brainpain sent you fleeing? I swear I've cracked almost all my ribs, sustained major chest and abdominal muscle damage, and my tear ducts are dry from laughing hysterically at EMBRACED. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	pfodge 2009-06-18 10:15 am UTC (link)
	Lol....I got as far as having they're own vampire town in Georgia I think around Chapter 80. I haven read any of it since. I keep telling myself read it you need a good laugh, but haven't been able to bring my self to do it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 11:42 am UTC (link)
	O_O!! 80 chapters?! Unholy bad!crack!vampire!fic fucktards, Crack Woman!! You ARE Da Woman. bows to your CrackWhoreness I'd race to catch up with you, but I'm too busy scoping out Hot Young Thangs to add to the glut at http://s589.photobucket.com/albums/ss333/felonius_monk1960/EMBRACED/. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	pfodge 2009-06-18 12:04 pm UTC (link)
	Lol...I've been under a lot of stress lately and don't even remember half of what I read. I'm afraid to go back to reading it. It might just put me over the edge. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-19 10:33 am UTC (link)
	I've been under a lot of stress lately nods head Yeah, me too. It's a queer thing. A wondrous thing. EMBRACED actually gives me an escape from the stress, while it might push you over the edge. Anyhow, I'm glad we're both still HERE. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	noteverything 2009-06-17 02:06 pm UTC (link)
	I wouldn't read this after those "reviews" even if it the last fic on earth. But then again, my relationship with crack!fic isn't very good anyway. However, I feel compelled to ask, why on earth are you emailing the author? (Reply to this) (Thread)

felonius_monk
2009-06-18 10:49 am UTC (link)

my relationship with crack!fic isn't very good anyway

I’m treading carefully here, out of respect for myself as a proud Certified Crackwhore, Bunny, and the qaf_crackfic community in general.

I don’t understand why you left a comment to this post.

I’m not a fan of cuddling, although I don’t mind blinkies. MPREG is crackalicious and I love it and want some more of it.

I feel compelled to ask, why on earth are you emailing the author?

If you were an out and proud Crackwhore, I’d answer that question. But since your relationship with crack!fic isn’t very good, I respectfully decline to answer.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noteverything
2009-06-18 10:57 am UTC (link)

I left a comment because I was curious.

And don't tread carefully on my account...Bunny (and many other crack!lovers on my FL) know it's not my favorite thing, but I never, never, never expect them to stop liking it or talking about it. They also know that even I sometimes indulge in a bit of it. If something I said here bothered you, which it certainly appears to have done, say so.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

not_yet_defined
2009-06-19 08:58 pm UTC (link)

I think it's pretty obvious she commented because she was wondering why you were emailing with the author. Which when I was reading through the comments, I wondered the same thing.

I don't see anything offensive towards you in her comment, I don't really understand why you felt a need to be rude to her in your reply? It's pretty uncalled for. And if your goal was to tread carefully, you failed.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	keieeeye 2009-06-17 03:59 pm UTC (link)
	It's probably a sad comment about my nitpicky ways that the first thing I notice about the first paragraph is that, in the summary, Brian is 403 years old - but it's been "over four hundred years" since he felt a chill since joining the creatures of the night. He was one damn precocious baby. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 10:54 am UTC (link)
	LMFAO! If "timeline" squicks are nitpicky, count me in! EMBRACED has me imagining Infant!Brian sucking the cock of the doctor who delivered him. (Reply to this) (Parent)

(Anonymous)
2009-06-17 06:34 pm UTC (link)

IMO I think this *man* is writing reviews to himself on MW. I also find it ridiculous how he thinks he's a better writer because he is allegedly a *gay man*, and therefore knows how to write gay men better than female writers. What a joke, the worst female writers' stories are more palatable than the horrible sludge this guy is shitting out. And why is it the QAF fandom females go soft in the head a minute someone claims to be a gay man writer, they'd be flaming a female out of existence if she posted this crap?!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

felonius_monk
2009-06-18 11:04 am UTC (link)

What a joke, the worst female writers' stories are more palatable than the horrible sludge this guy is shitting out. And why is it the QAF fandom females go soft in the head a minute someone claims to be a gay man writer, they'd be flaming a female out of existence if she posted this crap?!

I totally agree with you. That's part of the reason it took me over two years to venture from MySpace to InsaneJournal.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	vl_redreign 2009-06-17 08:47 pm UTC (link)
	The banner burned my eyes, and now I'm blind. And it's your fault. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	felonius_monk 2009-06-18 11:06 am UTC (link)
	HAH!! Made you look, made you look, made you look!! (Reply to this) (Parent)

Embraced
(Anonymous)
2010-04-17 09:53 am UTC (link)

The author has a crack!fic warning to the story and that it isn't beta'd. Being AU allows artistic license to go wild; I have to say it is the most intensely imaginative story in the B&J fandom I've ever read. Refreshing to read something you can't predict and will create visions and emotions reading it you have never seen or felt before. Smutty for sure, but from the number of review comments JTSecrets gets on MW (he has the most and some of his stories are the most read)a lot of people like to read his work.

I read so many people here dishing Embraced and wonder why. Frankly I wish my stories got that much attention, and I had that much imagination on the fly. He wrote that epic novel in less than 3 months. His most popular story "Forever Yours" has over 157,000 readers to date and nearly 1900 comments.

Sick as he is; he's doing something right. If the NC-18 rating, and smut scenes don't upset you, I suggest you put Embraced in your pipe and find out what really strong crack hits like.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	JTSecrets (Anonymous) 2010-06-09 01:14 pm UTC (link)
	Midnight Whispers made JTSecrets an administrator on the site and he totally changed the home page. Its really good too. (Reply to this) (Parent)