testdog65 (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} testdog65) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} qaf_challenges,@ 2006-11-05 19:26:00 |
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THE END OF THE BEGINNING
The End of the Beginning
Time had a funny way of standing still in a moment of sheer desperation. The agony would seem to go on infinitely as the person wedged under its thumb would grasp ahead into the abyss hoping to grab onto something concrete; something that would end the terrorizing torture.
Brian could feel the weight of heartbreaking desperation on his shoulders as he held two unused wedding bands in the palm of his trembling hand. He’d nearly forgotten about the rings and the unmade promises that could never be broken. He’d nearly forgotten that his life was an empty cycle of repetition and faceless fucks. He’d nearly forgotten he actually missed Justin. But then he remembered all he had to try to forget in the first place and the charade seemed endless and pointless.
“Sunshine,” he whispered sadly as he closed his fist around the rings.
The metal was cool against his palm – warming up against the heat of his body – and soon he wouldn’t be able to tell where his hand stopped and the rings began. He could never tell Justin he hadn’t returned the rings because they had become organic extensions of the love he could barely express. He wanted to express it, to say those three words a million times in a day, but they always caught in his throat and he would always regret that. He would always regret letting Justin go. But then he would have always regretted letting Justin stay.
Brian opened his palm slowly and examined the rings. He traced the outline of Justin’s ring with the pad of his finger. He closed his eyes and imagined feeling the cool metal trace down his chest while Justin’s warm lips wrapped around his cock. Marriage was forbidden to him, taboo, naturally he found it erotic. It was funny that he never thought of it that way before Justin left. Only when he couldn’t have it did it take on that meaning – did he want that union so desperately; but Brian would never ask that Justin sacrifice for him.
Brian picked up the ring box and placed Justin’s ring into it. He held his ring in his palm and picked it up with his right hand. He held his left hand tentatively in front of him and took a deep breath as he slid the heavy platinum band onto his ring finger. He waited to feel the weight of commitment settle upon him, for that monumental change that was sure to come along with the ring. Nothing happened. He was still Brian.
He allowed himself to breathe normally. The experiment was a failure. There was no change, of course, because he himself had placed his own ring on his own finger. He should take it off, he thought, but he really liked the way it looked. He loved the way it made him feel – complete in a way he had never known before. That ring meant somewhere out there a person existed who had chosen him – who wanted him despite his (numerous) flaws.
“We don’t need rings to tell us how much we love each other, Brian,” Justin had repeated to him so many times. Brian had been convinced Justin was trying to justify his decision to himself but now, he wasn’t so sure. They may not have need of the rings or the ceremony or the expensive rare flowers, or designer tuxes – but damn it, Brian wanted it. He wanted Justin back in his bed and more than just once every few months in that shit hole Justin liked to call an apartment.
Brian took off the ring and tucked it into the box next to Justin’s and set it down gently on the desk. That life was not his. He’d had his chance and it had slipped away. That was that.
He looked sullenly toward the door of the loft and imagined Justin sliding it open, walking through, and announcing: “I’m tired of your shit, Brian. I’m moving back here, we’re getting a house, and you’re going to marry me. Now … let’s fuck.”
Brian smiled sadly. It was nice to dream. “But dreams don’t come true unless you force them to,” he whispered to himself.
~*~
Brian had been to visit Justin more times than he could count – it was old hat and it was just Justin, but he was nervous as hell walking down the hallway to Justin’s apartment.
He walked half way up the hallway and back again five times before he decided to fuck it all and knock on the damned door already.
Brian was shocked when a stranger answered the door. A strange twink, to be exact. He suddenly understood how Melanie must have felt when the Frog had laid claim on Lindsay and Gus. “Who the fuck are you?” he blurted. He meant to ask if Justin was in.
“Steven. Who the fuck are you?”
“It doesn’t matter. Where’s Justin?”
“Steven, who’s at the – Brian,” Justin appeared. “Did we have plans?” he asked absently. “I thought we agreed to next month in the Pitts.”
“We did – I couldn’t wait,” Brian explained as he pushed past Steven.
Justin’s face fell. “Are you ok? I mean, the c – it isn’t back is it?”
Brian smirked. “No. No, nothing like that. I just need to talk with you. But, if you’re busy,” he said, inclining his head toward the stranger still guarding the door, “we can arrange to meet later.”
“No. That’s just my roommate’s brother. We were just going to watch bad horror movies and eat cold pizza. Nothing special,” Justin supplied. “You don’t mind a rain check do you Steven?”
“He doesn’t mind, Sunshine,” Brian answered for Steven. He reached into his suit-coat pocket and extracted his wallet. He pulled out a couple of crisp hundred dollar bills and held them out to the young kid. “Go find something useful to do with your time. Sorry to spoil your plans.”
“Thanks,” Steven mumbled as he took the cash. He found his coat and pulled it on as he hurriedly walked out of the door.
“So why did you come early?” Justin asked, plopping down gracelessly onto his tacky sofa.
“I needed to talk to you about something,” Brian said. His tone was serious. He sat down to the right of Justin and placed his left hand on his left knee.
Justin looked down at Brian’s hand and he jumped up from the couch as though he’d be electrocuted. “You’re fucking married?” he shrieked. “Of all the – get out!” he yelled.
Brian held his hand out in front of him, palms flat. “Just calm down. It isn’t what you think it is. I – this is one of a set. The set I bought for us,” he explained.
“You still haven’t returned them? It’s been nearly three years, Brian. You’ll never get your money back.”
“Justin I want to marry you. There, I’ve said it. I want it. Everyone has tried to convince me that I don’t want it, that I don’t need it,” he looked pointedly at Justin, “but I do want it.”
“So I’m just supposed to pack up and move back to the loft? Or, did you keep the house, too?”
“Nothing has to change. Nothing except the fact that you’re mine and mine alone.”
“That changes everything,” Justin whispered as he resumed his seat on the sofa. “But, in a good way, I guess.” He eyed the ring uneasily. “What possessed you to put it on? Are you only asking me to stay with you because the thing is stuck on your finger?”
“I wanted to. And, no. I can take it off if I want to. I just don’t want to. I want to be with you.”
Justin held out his hand. “Give me that ring, Brian.”
Brian was still for a long moment before he lifted his hand and tugged off the ring. He felt naked as he set into Justin’s waiting palm. “Don’t lose it,” Brian warned.
“And let you off the hook?” Justin teased. “I don’t think so. It’s not every day a wealthy executive comes to offer you the very thing you’ve always wanted but couldn’t have.”
Brian smiled. “I want you to want this, too. I don’t want you agreeing to things and making sacrifices.”
“You’re an idiot,” Justin said simply. “Love is, by definition, sacrifice on some level. Well, at least the kind of love that you share with someone else. I want to see you happy, to give you things that you want. You want to do the same for me. Look at what you gave up so I could have a shot at conquering the art world. You’re miserable. Michael tells me so.”
“Michael tells people a lot of things they shouldn’t know,” he muttered. “I don’t want you giving up anything me – for us.”
“In order for this to work, Brian, we both have to give things up. Compromise is necessary. And I’m willing if you are.” Justin paused.
“Rules don’t seem to work out to well for us,” he said, remembering the fiddler.
“Because those rules were about giving you your way so I could pretend to be happy. It was never about what I wanted, no, needed, back then. I’m older. Wiser, now.”
Brian leaned back into the couch and sighed. He threw his arm dramatically over his face and groaned. “I should have taken those fucking rings back when I had the chance. Now we’re going to turn into either munchers or breeders – either way, pussy’s involved somehow.”
“You’re the only pussy I see,” Justin teased.
Brian turned toward Justin and glared.
“I don’t think you really want me. You come here, out of the blue wearing an expensive ring and expect me to fall all over it? It doesn’t fit.”
Brian felt the desperation consume him again. The object of his affection was preparing to reject him – send him falling into a black abyss of pain and loneliness because he didn’t believe Brian to be sincere. Brian wore flippancy like a mask; it was his way of doing things. Justin should understand.
“I want you. I came all the way here – without pushing you to your knees and unzipping my fly did I not?”
“You’re so arrogant. Already wearing the ring not knowing what I’ll say. It’s the house all over again.” Justin smiled. “I find it all quite … romantic, Mr. Kinney. But, I can’t marry you – can’t do it like this.”
Justin looked at the ring in his palm. It’s warm from Brian’s body, heavier than he remembered, and it has tiny scratch marks from resting on the palm side of Brian’s hand. He plucks it up in between the thumb and forefinger of his left hand and dangles the ring in front of Brian. “Take it,” he whispered. “These rings are no good. They’re tainted with the story of a life that will never be – we’re three years too late on that count.”
Brian took the ring from Justin. He reached for his wallet and put the ring in the compartment reserved for change. “I just gave my last dollar to your roommate to buy a few hours of solitude and you want new rings?”
“I want a fresh start. I don’t want our future to hinge on a fractured past,” Justin whispered, taking Brian’s hand into his.
“But that past was filled with lots of hot sex and hot blowjobs and I’m not willing to let that go.” Brian smiled.
“Blowjobs and sex,” Justin repeated, his voice heavy with desire. He climbed up onto Brian’s lap, straddling him. “That sounds,” he lowered his head to kiss Brian softly on the neck, “like the perfect place to start.”
Brian dragged his hand along Justin’s spine, fingers flitting softly over the fuzz at the nape of his neck before grabbing roughly at Justin’s blond hair and pulling him into a rough kiss. “It’s a great place to start, Sunshine.”
-Fin-
~*~
Original poster: _alicesprings
Title: The End of the Beginning
Written By: sapphiretragedy
Timeline: post 513, future!fic
Rating: PG-13 – but I really really tried for the smut … the boys just wouldn’t cooperate.
Warnings: Fluff – unadulterated fluff.
Summary: Brian realizes what he’s lost and tries to get it back.
Author Notes: I don’t own this – CowLip does, but we know that. Feedback is always appreciated, however, it’s never required. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I’ve enjoyed writing. And thanks to my beta – you know who you are and I really appreciate your hard work.
Inspired By Icon:
Time had a funny way of standing still in a moment of sheer desperation. The agony would seem to go on infinitely as the person wedged under its thumb would grasp ahead into the abyss hoping to grab onto something concrete; something that would end the terrorizing torture.
Brian could feel the weight of heartbreaking desperation on his shoulders as he held two unused wedding bands in the palm of his trembling hand. He’d nearly forgotten about the rings and the unmade promises that could never be broken. He’d nearly forgotten that his life was an empty cycle of repetition and faceless fucks. He’d nearly forgotten he actually missed Justin. But then he remembered all he had to try to forget in the first place and the charade seemed endless and pointless.
“Sunshine,” he whispered sadly as he closed his fist around the rings.
The metal was cool against his palm – warming up against the heat of his body – and soon he wouldn’t be able to tell where his hand stopped and the rings began. He could never tell Justin he hadn’t returned the rings because they had become organic extensions of the love he could barely express. He wanted to express it, to say those three words a million times in a day, but they always caught in his throat and he would always regret that. He would always regret letting Justin go. But then he would have always regretted letting Justin stay.
Brian opened his palm slowly and examined the rings. He traced the outline of Justin’s ring with the pad of his finger. He closed his eyes and imagined feeling the cool metal trace down his chest while Justin’s warm lips wrapped around his cock. Marriage was forbidden to him, taboo, naturally he found it erotic. It was funny that he never thought of it that way before Justin left. Only when he couldn’t have it did it take on that meaning – did he want that union so desperately; but Brian would never ask that Justin sacrifice for him.
Brian picked up the ring box and placed Justin’s ring into it. He held his ring in his palm and picked it up with his right hand. He held his left hand tentatively in front of him and took a deep breath as he slid the heavy platinum band onto his ring finger. He waited to feel the weight of commitment settle upon him, for that monumental change that was sure to come along with the ring. Nothing happened. He was still Brian.
He allowed himself to breathe normally. The experiment was a failure. There was no change, of course, because he himself had placed his own ring on his own finger. He should take it off, he thought, but he really liked the way it looked. He loved the way it made him feel – complete in a way he had never known before. That ring meant somewhere out there a person existed who had chosen him – who wanted him despite his (numerous) flaws.
“We don’t need rings to tell us how much we love each other, Brian,” Justin had repeated to him so many times. Brian had been convinced Justin was trying to justify his decision to himself but now, he wasn’t so sure. They may not have need of the rings or the ceremony or the expensive rare flowers, or designer tuxes – but damn it, Brian wanted it. He wanted Justin back in his bed and more than just once every few months in that shit hole Justin liked to call an apartment.
Brian took off the ring and tucked it into the box next to Justin’s and set it down gently on the desk. That life was not his. He’d had his chance and it had slipped away. That was that.
He looked sullenly toward the door of the loft and imagined Justin sliding it open, walking through, and announcing: “I’m tired of your shit, Brian. I’m moving back here, we’re getting a house, and you’re going to marry me. Now … let’s fuck.”
Brian smiled sadly. It was nice to dream. “But dreams don’t come true unless you force them to,” he whispered to himself.
Brian had been to visit Justin more times than he could count – it was old hat and it was just Justin, but he was nervous as hell walking down the hallway to Justin’s apartment.
He walked half way up the hallway and back again five times before he decided to fuck it all and knock on the damned door already.
Brian was shocked when a stranger answered the door. A strange twink, to be exact. He suddenly understood how Melanie must have felt when the Frog had laid claim on Lindsay and Gus. “Who the fuck are you?” he blurted. He meant to ask if Justin was in.
“Steven. Who the fuck are you?”
“It doesn’t matter. Where’s Justin?”
“Steven, who’s at the – Brian,” Justin appeared. “Did we have plans?” he asked absently. “I thought we agreed to next month in the Pitts.”
“We did – I couldn’t wait,” Brian explained as he pushed past Steven.
Justin’s face fell. “Are you ok? I mean, the c – it isn’t back is it?”
Brian smirked. “No. No, nothing like that. I just need to talk with you. But, if you’re busy,” he said, inclining his head toward the stranger still guarding the door, “we can arrange to meet later.”
“No. That’s just my roommate’s brother. We were just going to watch bad horror movies and eat cold pizza. Nothing special,” Justin supplied. “You don’t mind a rain check do you Steven?”
“He doesn’t mind, Sunshine,” Brian answered for Steven. He reached into his suit-coat pocket and extracted his wallet. He pulled out a couple of crisp hundred dollar bills and held them out to the young kid. “Go find something useful to do with your time. Sorry to spoil your plans.”
“Thanks,” Steven mumbled as he took the cash. He found his coat and pulled it on as he hurriedly walked out of the door.
“So why did you come early?” Justin asked, plopping down gracelessly onto his tacky sofa.
“I needed to talk to you about something,” Brian said. His tone was serious. He sat down to the right of Justin and placed his left hand on his left knee.
Justin looked down at Brian’s hand and he jumped up from the couch as though he’d be electrocuted. “You’re fucking married?” he shrieked. “Of all the – get out!” he yelled.
Brian held his hand out in front of him, palms flat. “Just calm down. It isn’t what you think it is. I – this is one of a set. The set I bought for us,” he explained.
“You still haven’t returned them? It’s been nearly three years, Brian. You’ll never get your money back.”
“Justin I want to marry you. There, I’ve said it. I want it. Everyone has tried to convince me that I don’t want it, that I don’t need it,” he looked pointedly at Justin, “but I do want it.”
“So I’m just supposed to pack up and move back to the loft? Or, did you keep the house, too?”
“Nothing has to change. Nothing except the fact that you’re mine and mine alone.”
“That changes everything,” Justin whispered as he resumed his seat on the sofa. “But, in a good way, I guess.” He eyed the ring uneasily. “What possessed you to put it on? Are you only asking me to stay with you because the thing is stuck on your finger?”
“I wanted to. And, no. I can take it off if I want to. I just don’t want to. I want to be with you.”
Justin held out his hand. “Give me that ring, Brian.”
Brian was still for a long moment before he lifted his hand and tugged off the ring. He felt naked as he set into Justin’s waiting palm. “Don’t lose it,” Brian warned.
“And let you off the hook?” Justin teased. “I don’t think so. It’s not every day a wealthy executive comes to offer you the very thing you’ve always wanted but couldn’t have.”
Brian smiled. “I want you to want this, too. I don’t want you agreeing to things and making sacrifices.”
“You’re an idiot,” Justin said simply. “Love is, by definition, sacrifice on some level. Well, at least the kind of love that you share with someone else. I want to see you happy, to give you things that you want. You want to do the same for me. Look at what you gave up so I could have a shot at conquering the art world. You’re miserable. Michael tells me so.”
“Michael tells people a lot of things they shouldn’t know,” he muttered. “I don’t want you giving up anything me – for us.”
“In order for this to work, Brian, we both have to give things up. Compromise is necessary. And I’m willing if you are.” Justin paused.
“Rules don’t seem to work out to well for us,” he said, remembering the fiddler.
“Because those rules were about giving you your way so I could pretend to be happy. It was never about what I wanted, no, needed, back then. I’m older. Wiser, now.”
Brian leaned back into the couch and sighed. He threw his arm dramatically over his face and groaned. “I should have taken those fucking rings back when I had the chance. Now we’re going to turn into either munchers or breeders – either way, pussy’s involved somehow.”
“You’re the only pussy I see,” Justin teased.
Brian turned toward Justin and glared.
“I don’t think you really want me. You come here, out of the blue wearing an expensive ring and expect me to fall all over it? It doesn’t fit.”
Brian felt the desperation consume him again. The object of his affection was preparing to reject him – send him falling into a black abyss of pain and loneliness because he didn’t believe Brian to be sincere. Brian wore flippancy like a mask; it was his way of doing things. Justin should understand.
“I want you. I came all the way here – without pushing you to your knees and unzipping my fly did I not?”
“You’re so arrogant. Already wearing the ring not knowing what I’ll say. It’s the house all over again.” Justin smiled. “I find it all quite … romantic, Mr. Kinney. But, I can’t marry you – can’t do it like this.”
Justin looked at the ring in his palm. It’s warm from Brian’s body, heavier than he remembered, and it has tiny scratch marks from resting on the palm side of Brian’s hand. He plucks it up in between the thumb and forefinger of his left hand and dangles the ring in front of Brian. “Take it,” he whispered. “These rings are no good. They’re tainted with the story of a life that will never be – we’re three years too late on that count.”
Brian took the ring from Justin. He reached for his wallet and put the ring in the compartment reserved for change. “I just gave my last dollar to your roommate to buy a few hours of solitude and you want new rings?”
“I want a fresh start. I don’t want our future to hinge on a fractured past,” Justin whispered, taking Brian’s hand into his.
“But that past was filled with lots of hot sex and hot blowjobs and I’m not willing to let that go.” Brian smiled.
“Blowjobs and sex,” Justin repeated, his voice heavy with desire. He climbed up onto Brian’s lap, straddling him. “That sounds,” he lowered his head to kiss Brian softly on the neck, “like the perfect place to start.”
Brian dragged his hand along Justin’s spine, fingers flitting softly over the fuzz at the nape of his neck before grabbing roughly at Justin’s blond hair and pulling him into a rough kiss. “It’s a great place to start, Sunshine.”