This fic is brilliant! Everything here is totally believable as alternate canon.
There are many great lines here but this one is particularly good:
"Well, if you'd prefer, we could be more dramatic about it. Screaming. Tears. You stalking me for a few weeks, while I treat you like shit and send you mixed signal, until you wear me down. Either way, it will end the same. My dick. Your ass. I'd rather skip the bullshit and get to the fucking."