(I CAN'T SEEM TO) MAKE YOU MINE Title:(I can't seem to) Make you mine Written By:crazy4qaf Timeline: Few years post s5. Rating: R for language. Warnings: Some angst. Summary: After an ugly breakup, Brian and Justin get a second chance at love. What if both of them are too stubborn to embraces it with open arms? Author's Notes: I just wanted to extend my undying gratitude to my wonderful beta. I would be completely lost without her. Seriously. :) Theme: Second Chance
With a huge ass yawn, Justin closed the book he was reading and leaned back against the seat. Carefully, he pulled up the cover on the window and glanced outside into the dark. It has been awhile since he was on this same plane. Five years, to be exact, since he left Pittsburgh behind. Of course, at first he planned and tried really fucking hard to stay in touch with absolutely everything on the Pennsylvania front. But as the time went on, the calls from home got thinner and thinner, until the only ones who were really talking to him regularly were Brian and Emmett. Right up until one year into his NY “adventure,” when everything he hoped for fell apart. He should’ve known it would happen sooner or later, and today he chooses to blame his youth an naïveté—the naïveté he was sure had disappeared after the bashing.
It's been four years since he dared to think about it, but since his plane was about to touch down at Pittsburgh International Airport, it seemed fitting to reminisce about the best and the worst years of his life.
The irony was, it happened completely out of the blue, really. Brian left home only two days before, after they spent yet another blissful weekend safely insulated in his little apartment/room. If he was being honest with himself, he did see that Brian was kinda silent and broody, but the truth was, you never knew with Brian. His moods were the things of legend by now. After years they've spent together, Justin simply took on Brian's moods as they came and just dealt with them one at the time. Like everyone else, Brian had his share of good and bad days, but for as long as Justin can remember, broody and silent was Brian's natural predisposition. Yeah, he played it upbeat and cool sometimes, a snark here and a smirk there, followed by a cynically intoned truth, dressed as a mockery. And sure, everyone that really knew Brian was aware how he functioned, that all of it was just a smoke screen, but happily went along with the damn show. Justin guessed that that was exactly what happened in the time after Brian cut him right out of his fucking life. For all he knew, Brian probably delivered the damn news to the group around the dinner table, annoyed by the constant questions about his “Sunshine.”
Brian's story could've sounded, as Justin might have later learned from Emmett, like this:
'Just to get you all off my back, we decided to cut our losses and pull the plug on this thing we had. It was holding us back and it will give us the time to live our own lives without limiting each other.' Yeah, right, as if he had a fucking say in it! Just because King Kinney has fucking spoken and shared his fucking mind with the freaking peasants, who said nothing back at the bullshit he was spewing, that doesn't mean Justin had to go along with the freak show.
But the real story was this: Brian called his voice mail, while he was in his studio painting for the small show he was a part of and he didn't hear the cell. Couple hours later, Justin came home and almost suffered a fucking stroke when he heard the “Dear Justin” BS. And yeah, he was heartbroken about it for a while, and pissy and fucking moody for days, months after it, but what he really was, deep underneath it all, was fucking pissed beyond belief. At himself, at Brian, at their clueless families and friends. And as he would find out later, him being pissed and sharing it with the man he loved, was a bad, bad idea, because you can never take it back. Especially since it ended up with a thirty minute long rant, that he left on Brian's answering machine days later. The fact that he was drunk at the time wouldn't help his case a damn thing. Although, the incident did wonders for his career. It seemed that anger and frustration on a canvas sold really well on the market.
When Brian wouldn't take his calls after that particular catastrophe, he knew it was over. He could've gotten on the plane and pounded on Brian's doors, he could've called Cynthia and begged her to tell Brian to pleasepleaseplease call him, that he was so fucking sorry. But in the end, he refused to run after Brian, refused to beg Brian to take him back...Refused to be that weak again. Brian didn't want him anymore and that was...fine. He didn't want the fucker either. The asshole jerk. A fucking coward. So much for being over the bastard, Justin thought to himself.
“Please fasten your seat belts. We're about to land. Thank you for flying with us and welcome to Pittsburgh,” the disembodied voice said over the microphone.
Justin looked out the window one last time, the lights on the airway like pieces of bread in some deranged fairytale, beckoning him home. Home, where death and long lost love awaited him, where the only man he ever loved pretended he didn't exist. A happy fucking ending, indeed. But the real reason he was here right now was something completely different. The news came at 9 am and he almost suffocated on his morning cup of coffee.
'Justin, listen sweetie, we really need you here. I know it's been awhile since you've been home, but we're in the state of emergency. Justin, it's Brian's mother. She...she passed away last night. God, I don't know what to do. You know how Brian is. I tried talking with him, but of course, he won't let me inside the loft. Please, come home. We really need you here.” Pause. “He needs you too, even though he's a fucking stubborn motherfucker about it and acts like absolutely nothing happened. Shit. Anyway, call me when you hear this, please!”
Of all things that would get him home, death in the family was the furthest thing from his mind. God certainly had a shitty sense of humor, the irony only Joan herself would be able to appreciate.
*+*+*+*
One day later, Molly's dorm room
“Mom, really, we're fine. Yeah, he's here with me. Sure, I'll tell him and we'll see you there. Love you too.”
Molly hung up the phone and rolled her eyes at her older brother. Justin couldn't help but smile at her. He still couldn't believe she was a sophomore here at Carnegie. Nineteen with an attitude. After spending time with her, he developed a completely new level of respect for their mother. Boy, with the two of them, she sure had a lot on her hands.
“Give me a minute and I'll be ready to go. Hey...you think he's gonna be alright?” It wasn't hard to decipher who she was talking about.
“Don't know. Haven't talked to him in four years. I don't know him anymore.” He sighed, his eyes closed, as he sat on Molly's bed waiting.
“Bullshit. You know him better than anyone. He hasn't changed all that much.” Justin looked at her and frowned.
“How do you know so much about Brian? You were like nine the last time you saw him.” He watched her laugh softly.
“What are you laughing about? I'm serious.” She grinned at him under her eyelashes.
“Justin, I know Emmett and Deb. I know Michael and his family. Do you really think I would be able to avoid the one person that holds that whole group together? The one person that carries a torch for my older brother and the whole world knows it, but decided to ignore said fact completely? That person? Please! Give me some credit.”
Great. Just fucking great. His little sister seemed to be one of Brian's little minions. The irony was so fucking obvious, it wasn't even funny.
“Well, he's the one that broke up with me. Not the other way around.” He saw her shake her head, as she picked up her bag and grabbed her keys off the table.
“So you could be free to live your life the way you wanted.” He rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, well, I planned to live it with him, The fucker had other plans, obviously. I told him to go and shove them where the sun doesn't shine. The end. Actually, that was the last time we talked.” She sighed a tortured sigh. Men were so fucking clueless.
“As if. Trust me, you haven't seen nothing until you've seen Brian mope. And I've seen nothing but that in the last four years. Yeah, he gets all assholish all through it, but it's there. Honestly, for a short while there, I refused to go to Deb's Sunday dinners to avoid seeing him. He was fucking depressing me! But he's like a drug. He gets under your skin and despite the asshole tendencies, you just want to be there for him.” Sounded like Brian alright, but Justin wasn't very convinced that their romance of yesteryear had any real chance of resurrection. There seemed to be too damn much between them to just pick up and resume whatever they had going on.
“Sure, if you say so. Anyway, you ready? We're gonna be late and Deb's gonna kill me. Come on!” He grabbed Molly's hand and pulled her out of the room, locking the door behind them.
*+*+*+*+*
Deb's home, two hours later
“He won't come, will he?” Deb looked at Justin across the table, frowning.
“Probably not. You know Brian. He's probably been out, sucking and fucking at the baths. Anything to prove to the world that nothing happened. But we both know him better than that, don't we, Sunshine?” Yeah, Justin wasn't so sure of it anymore, although everybody thought differently.
“Maybe I should swing by the loft? Check it out? I mean, I know we're not together, but all I was able to do was leave a freaking message on his answering machine about his mother. Even four years later he won't answer my fucking calls. Yeah, I see future for us alright. Deb, he acts as if he hates my fucking guts.” Deb smiled indulgently at him.
“Oh Sunshine, you couldn't be more wrong. And that's exactly the reason why he won't talk to you. But enough’s enough. You boys better get this out in the open and do what needs to be done. There's been enough sadness in this family already. I need something positive to get me out of bed in the morning and he needs you now. More than ever. And this time, don't let him fool you into thinking he doesn't. He's sneaky that way.”
Interesting. Deb was probably the fifth person that told him the same thing about Brian. The truth was, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it all already, but being thousand miles away just made it easier to forget. Shit. All of a sudden, Justin felt really, really stupid. For all his talk about “knowing” Brian, he fell for his act – hook, line and sinker.
“Deb, I think I'll go by the loft. Who knows...I just might stumble onto him and he can break up with me all over again. Wouldn't that be fun?” Deb smiled and patted his hand silently. She wished they would settle their differences. Seeing Brian lately broke her heart. She remembered him before Justin came along. Sure, he was never a ray of happiness, but after things went downhill between him and Justin... She just hoped they would fix things up, because if nothing else, Joan's death showed how precious life really was. In the heat of the argument, that was too easy to overlook, but time waits for no man and Deb would hate to see either of them live the rest of their lives with regrets. She knew all about regrets.
*+*+*+*
Half an hour later, Justin was standing in front of Brian's loft. He finally decided to knock on the door.
“Brian, are you in there? Open up. I need to talk to you, please!” After five minutes, he tried knocking harder.
“Come on, Brian! Please! I really need to talk to you!” More knocking led him absolutely nowhere. Finally, after fifteen minutes, he decided it just wasn't meant to be. Slowly, he turned around and suddenly he heard the elevator stop. The wooden doors opened and right there, tired and alone, Armani still impeccable on his tall frame, stood Brian.
There wasn't a time in Justin's life when he loved Brian more.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Taylor? I thought I’d gotten rid of you for good.” So much for having a love fest, Justin thought to himself.
“Thought you'd like a friendly face to talk to. And I'm really sorry about your mother, you know. I would've told you over the phone, if you actually answered my calls.” Brian watched him casually, as he fished out his keys out of his coat pocket.
“Who said I wanted to talk about anything? Talk is overrated. And Joan got exactly what she prayed for for years. A one way trip to her Lord and savior, the only man she ever really loved in her entire life. Plus, it's not as if she and I kept in contact much. Come to think of it, the same can be said for the two of us. So, now that you've witnessed for yourself, that the big, bad Kinney isn't falling apart without his mommy or without your doting hand, you are free to go back to your life in New York,” Brian muttered and opened the door. Justin used the momentum of Brian's monologue and got inside the loft right after him, pulling the door closed behind them.
“You know what, Brian? You can be a fucking bitch all you want to, but this time, I'm not leaving. Last time, you made a decision about our life without giving a fuck about what I wanted, but not this time.” Brian watched the familiar fire in his eyes. Fuck, this was bad. Maybe if he kept quite, Justin would leave again...? Nah, he seemed to be on a war path. He snuck another peek at Justin's frowning face. Fuck, how he'd missed him!
“What the fuck do you want from me? I don't have anything you'd want.” Brian felt like he was at the end of his rope. All he wanted was right in front of him. All he had to do was reach out his hand. Fuck! He was really not suited for this shit!
“I just want to ask you one thing. That last weekend...did I do or say something to set you off? Because if I did, I really didn't mean to. I just...” God, how did he end up here, once again drooling at Brian's feet? He swore to himself he wouldn't do that again. FuckfuckFUCK!
But what he heard next almost broke his heart. ”You'd leave me anyway.”
It was so quiet, that for a split moment there, Justin wasn't sure it was real. But then, he looked at Brian's face. What he saw there told him things Brian himself never would. Stories about loneliness and courage, about friendship and love. At that moment, Brian seemed so...lost.
“What did you say?” Brian opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water. He threw one to Justin and opened the other one for himself. It was as normal as breathing to him to think of Justin too and the gesture didn't escape either of them.
“Brian, what did you just say?” Their eyes finally met across the kitchen counter.
“You would have left in time anyway. New York was so full of possibilities and I would end up holding you back, and I couldn't bear it.”
“Bear what?” Justin whispered, his eyes following Brian's every move.
“I couldn't bear you resenting me for making you stay. You'd end up hating me and so I ended things first.” Yeah, Justin remembered that pile of BS from four years ago. It annoyed the hell out of him then, and it had the same effect on him now.
“You're a fucking asshole, Brian Kinney. You know that, right? You always know what's best for everyone, don't you... Do you ever, for a fucking second stopped to think what I, what any of us, think of your unilateral decisions, you fucker? I wanted to spend my life with you! And you didn't even find me worthy of being dumped face to face? Well, thank you Brian for showing me exactly how much you respect me. It did wonders of my sense of self-worth.”
Brian stood there, stunned slightly.
“You're a big star there, right? Don't you have everything and everyone at your feet? I wanted you to have it all, but instead I was holding you back.”
Justin was at the edge of his nerves. He felt like they kept talking in circles and arriving nowhere.
“You were a coward. Just be a man and fucking admit it.” Justin watched as Brian finally lost his cool. The only time he had ever seen that expression on Brian’s face was right before he had thrown him out on his ass post-op. So not a good batch of Brian memories.
“Fuck! You just won't let it go, will you? Fine! I was fucking terrified! Okay? I just lost a fucking ball and you were so damn young. I just... Justin, I just wanted you to be happy. Can't you understand that?”
“I wanted that to be with you, you bastard. God, do you even think of me at all?” Brian looked stricken.
“Goddammit, I always think of you! Every day I wake up, the first thing I remember is that you're in New York. The last fucking thing I think about before I fall asleep is the fact that you are in New York. All I fucking think about is you! How can you even --...”
The next thing he knew, he had his arms full. The moment their lips met, something inside of him just...let go. He couldn't believe this was really happening. Desperately, he pulled Justin's body closer, unable to stop kissing him. After all these years, minutes seemed like hours and Brian wasn't sure what to think. Until Justin pulled away as fast as he started kissing him.
“Oh shit...fuck! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. Your mother...God...I should go. Fuck! I'll, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?” He kissed Brian one more time and before Brian had the time to stop him, he was out the door and all Brian could do was stare after him, his scent still in the air.
Silently, Brian licked his lips, the taste of Justin still lingering on his skin. God, he really hoped he was strong enough to survive this.
*+*+*+*
Next day, at the cemetery
Brian silently watched the people he considered family as they stood around the casket. His moral support, as Deb said.
'You have friends, who want to be there for you. Let them and get over yourself. I know how Joan treated you, hon, but the fact is, she's your mother and we don't get to choose our parents. So just get through today and say your goodbyes. For yourself, not for her.'
Sometimes, he wished he was able to choose his mother. Some of those times, he wished Deb was his mother. But like she said, wishful thinking gets you nowhere fast. His momentary predicament with Justin was the perfect example.
Brian waited for the priest to end the sermon, for the casket to be lowered in the ground. He was over and done with Joan. His goodbyes have been said six years ago, when she came for the last time to see him in Kinnetik. There was nothing that spelled goodbye better than someone telling you that you'd burn in hell for who you are and today, it seemed like that was all he remembered about his mother. That day was the day he finally left his childhood behind, along with the people who were a part of it. He never once regretted his decision.
“...amen...” Justin was unable to tear his eyes off Brian. Even now, he looked so stoic and dependable. So adult. Suddenly, as if he could feel him watching, Brian met his eyes. There was so much in that look, so much love and...desperation. Hope too. To Justin, he never looked more beautiful than he did now. Slowly, the group started to thin out, as they slowly walked to their cars. Brian took the keys out, opened the door of the Corvette and paused. Slowly, he turned around and looked straight at Justin, who stood near by, saying goodbye to his mother and sister. If anything could be done to fix things up, it had to be done now and Brian knew it.
“Justin, wanna take a ride with me?” Justin watched the anticipation in Brian's eyes, the nervous way he clenched his jaw. Slowly, he nodded. He walked around the car and waited for Brian to get in the car and open the door for him. Few minutes later, they were on the road.
“Where are we going?” Brian glanced at him, small smile on his lips.
“You'll see.” As the scenery passed them by, the radio played some corny old song about second chances. Funny...Brian had never played this kind of music in his company before.
“Who sings this?” Brian looked straight ahead and turned the volume up slightly.
“Doesn't matter. We're almost there.” Suddenly, Justin watched as they came to a stop in front of a mansion. A very familiar looking mansion. Fuck!
“No way! Isn't this...” Justin could feel his eyes tear a little. Brian smirked at him and got out of the car. Justin followed him silently.
“But I thought you’d've sold it years ago! My mom never mentioned anything and I thought...” Brian shook his head and walked to the entrance.
“Now, what kind of king would I be, if I sold the castle that I bought for my prince?” Justin's eyes got wide, as Brian smiled almost shyly and pulled him by his jacket inside the house.
“Oh no, mister...We have to talk things out first.” Justin tried to stay the level-headed one. It never worked before and Brian knew it.
“Later, Sunshine. We have all the time in the world.” Brian closed the door and pressed Justin against it, their faces only inches apart. Slowly, Justin licked his lips and watched as Brian's irises got darker. Finally, he surrendered to the undertow and threw the caution to the wind. It seemed he was finally home.
“Didn't I tell you it was only time?” Justin felt him whisper a mere moment before Brian's lips took his. He closed his eyes and smiled a little. In the end, Brian was right. This mansion was really Taylor made. And to think that his father used to tell him that fairy tales don't exist.