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Finn Hudson (finny_bear) wrote in portland_logs, @ 2014-05-27 20:07:00

Who: Rachel and Finnessa
Where: Their house
When: Backdated to Sunday, May 18th
What: Making up
Status: Complete
Warnings: Doubt it


It had been a tough few days for Finn. He was still getting used to being a girl, and the novelty of having boobs had kind of worn off for the most part. He still liked them, but he’d decided he preferred them on other people. Namely, Rachel. But it had been a few days since he’d seen Rachel, and he’d been staying with Sam and Dani in the meantime. He still didn’t really understand what he’d done wrong; he’d just decided to be as okay as a dude could be suddenly being in a girl’s body. He didn’t get why that was so bad. It was like Rachel wanted him to cry or scream or hit things, but he wasn’t going to do that. There was no point. He was set in his belief that this was all going to wear off. Rachel had turned into a vampire, and that had worn off in just a couple weeks. It hadn’t been a great experience, but they’d gotten through this. And he was just a girl here, not a vampire, which he thought was probably a good thing.

Dani had taken him and Sam shopping the other day, so he had clothes now that fit his new girlish form. It was still kind of weird, but he’d decided after spending some time in the mirror that he was a pretty hot girl. He would definitely have sex with his girl self. If that wasn’t… totally impossible. But anyway, the clothes still felt kind of weird on him; he still felt like a guy inside, and he was used to his own clothes, which definitely didn’t include blouses or skirts or bras. Well, he actually didn’t have any skirts, because that was too weird even for him. But he had some short shorts and jeans that Dani said made his butt look good, which was… kind of weird to hear but kind of flattering too. It was weird to think he’d never actually have met Dani if he’d stayed in the real world because he’d died so soon after she and Santana starting dating. She was a cool chick, and he could see what Santana saw in her. Too bad he was in love with Rachel and Dani was a lesbian.

He’d been missing Rachel a lot lately. He’d been mad at first, but he really just missed her, so he’d decided to go see her. It was a little freakier walking to their house from Dani and Sam’s as a girl -- even though it wasn’t that far, he was less sure he could hold his own since he was like, five foot four and… well, a girl. He knew girls could totally kick ass, and maybe he could, but he hadn’t really tested it out yet. To be honest, he’d spent most of his time with Sam kicking back and playing video games which wasn’t at all different from what he did as a guy. But he got to the house soon enough, and he used his key to get in, calling out, “Rach?” as he entered. His voice was still unfamiliar even to him, so he added on, “Uh, it’s Finn. Are you home?”

Rachel had returned from Caroline’s nearly the next day after she had left her own home in order to have space to think. And well, she did think. She thought a lot which wasn’t entirely surprising at all because that was what she did. She tore everything apart and put it back together in her head, but this couldn’t be solved in her head. She knew that she had to talk to Finn and let him know exactly what she was feeling for anything to even progress and grow. She didn’t want to keep anything from Finn, but sometimes it was so hard to talk to him. Only about that though. That being her missing New York desperately and how she wished that she could go back. If only Finn could go with her, that would make all the difference. She had to realize that she couldn’t use New York as a crutch, but there it was in all its glory. Crutch

She was in their bedroom and sitting on top of the bed when she heard the front door open. She figured it was Quinn, but when an unfamiliar voice called out to her, she frowned and grabbed the ceramic coaster that was on her nightstand. Surely that would knock out the intruder. But when the girls voice said that it was Finn, she sucked in a breath and put down her weapon of choice before scooting off the bed and walking out toward the living room.

She frowned when she saw Finn and he was wearing new clothes, so that meant that Dani had taken him shopping. She grumbled at that and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Finally decide to come home?” She asked and didn’t wait for him to answer. “You never even told me you left Finn. I had to hear from her and that’s not even the point, the point is …” The point was that people could disappear anytime and he never bothered to mention that he was at Dani’s. What if she decided to come home? … She could have called him, but still that wasn’t the point.

After a long moment, Rachel shrugged. “I missed you. Even …” She waved her hand in front of her, “like that.”

Finn bowed his head, rubbing at the back of his neck. He hadn’t changed that much. Maybe he was a girl, but he was still himself, weird nervous habits like that and all. And he still felt guilty because Rachel was right. He should have called or texted or something, but he was mad so he hadn’t. He knew Dani had said she’d talked to Rachel, so he’d figured that was good enough. He knew better, but he was still too upset to care.

“Yeah, I missed you too,” he said, giving her a half-smile. “And I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have told you I was going, but I was just… mad. And it didn’t seem like you wanted me around, so I left.” He hesitantly took a step closer to her. He wanted to touch her, at least hug her, but he was afraid she wouldn’t want him to so he stopped himself.

“Are… you okay?” he asked. “I mean, with all this.” It had already been four days, and he didn’t expect her to be totally used to it -- he still wasn’t, really -- but he hoped she wasn’t as irritated about it.

She was right, he should have called. She shouldn’t have had to have heard it from Dani, but that was three days ago and fine, she knew he was okay and alive. And besides, she wasn’t more so upset at him. More like herself. It was her guilt that was pulling her down and her uselessness. It was as if she was fighting her own demons, constantly while being in Portland. She surely hoped that would change. A nice burst of positivity could go a long way.

“I’m okay.” She nodded at that and looked at him as he came closer. She didn’t want him to. No, no, no, she did want him to come closer, but not like this although it was clearly Finn. She saw it in the girls mannerisms and from the hesitation in his voice.

“I mean, this still is unfortunate and I want you back to looking like you, but I know you’re there, Finn. I know it’s you. And it wasn’t you that I was really mad at. I was more mad at Portland and everything that it continuously throw at us.

She bowed her head, her expression saddened because she knew she had to talk to him. But would it have been easier if she waited to have that talk? Probably.

“I miss New York. I want to go back and it has nothing to do with you, if anything, I wish that I could bring you back with me, but Portland …” She sighed and looked at him then, fresh tears in her eyes, and it terrified her that she couldn’t even look at Finn. Sure, the mannerisms were there, but to her, it wasn’t the same. “Please don’t hate me, Finn.”

Finn had kind of wondered when that was coming. The whole time Rachel had been here, she’d just focused on him and how good it was to be here because he was alive. And he loved her for that, but she was missing out on her dreams. He didn’t want that for her. He didn’t want to be dead, but he didn’t want Rachel missing out on her shot to be on Broadway either. Almost more.

“I don’t hate you,” he said. “But can we… sit?” He walked past her into the living room to sit on the couch. Maybe he’d expected this to come out, but it was still a lot to process and standing awkwardly in the hallway wasn’t really how he wanted to do his processing.

“I don’t think there’s really a way you can go back on purpose,” he said, after a few moments of consideration. “The wormhole would have to decide to put you back on its own, I think.” He still didn’t get how this whole thing worked, but he hadn’t dwelled on it. He could definitely be a dwelling kind of guy, but this whole situation seemed kind of… final. So he hadn’t.

“I wanna go home sometimes too. I worry about my mom and Burt,” he admitted. They didn’t really talk about things back home, just focusing on what was going on here. Maybe they just needed to get it all out or something. “But, yeah. I’m sorry you’re not in New York.”

Rachel sat on the sofa and she was so thankful that Quinn wasn’t home to witness this. She wasn’t sure what was going to happen and she wiped at her tears with the back of her hand as she sat and listened to him. Of course he would miss his mom and Burt, just like she missed her two dads terribly and perhaps it was just a starting point for Rachel to realize that even she was thinking about this all too wrong.

“I don’t think so either, Finn. I feel that sometimes that’s the problem. That we can’t just go home. There’s so much control over us and sometimes I feel that I have none. Things just tend to happen. Surely Portland would never be my first choice, in fact, I’ve never even given Portland a thought and now I’m stuck here. But you’re here, so I’m conflicted and I’ve been trying so hard to prove to you that I’m so happy to be here and putting all of my happiness in you, but it’s a fraud. I’m a fraud, Finn. Sometimes I’m so unhappy because I feel so trapped and you’re the only good thing that keeps me going.”

Her voice grew quiet as she turned her eyes from him. “I know it’s unbelievably selfish, but know that I love you so very much, Finn.”

Okay, that hit him a little harder. If it wasn’t for him, Rachel would probably be fighting tooth and nail to get back to New York. Which said to him that he was holding her back. He’d known that would happen. It was he’d sent her off to New York on her own after they graduated high school. Being there was what she was meant to do, and Finn wasn’t meant for something like that. He was a small town boy. He liked New York, but he could never make a life there. He was content in Lima, going to school and teaching glee. He felt like that was his real calling: teaching, helping kids like Mr. Schue had helped all of them.

“I love you too,” he said finally. “I’m sorry you feel trapped. I don’t want you to feel that way. Is there… I mean, is there anything I can do?” He felt kind of helpless right now. Not only was he not even in his real body, but his girlfriend was basically miserable, and it was at least partly his fault.

She was relieved when he told her that he loved her, she couldn’t deny that. It was so scary sometimes and sometimes she felt as though she hung onto every word now and it killed her. Only because she had learned to be on her own. She realized that she could do it. She was fine without a guy and she was living her dreams. She was independent and now that Finn was here, she was putting herself back in that position and it wasn’t Finn’s fault at all. Oh God no, he hadn’t done anything wrong. He wasn’t making her act like this, she was doing it to herself.

Rachel turned on the sofa toward him and it was still very hard to look at him considering he looked like a girl and if she wasn’t sure that it was Finn, it would be as if she were talking to a stranger.

“I talked to Caroline while I was staying there and while I’m not positive that she might have felt as though she helped me through this, she did. A lot of things came to light as to what I’m doing and it’s my fault entirely, not yours. I don’t want you to think that you’re doing anything to me that … would make me feel this way. It’s me. I put so much on myself and I try so hard to be the best, and I felt like that in New York. Maybe …” She paused then, licking her lips and she looked at him again. “I want to feel like that again. I know that I’ll never get the recognition in Portland but I want to try. I just feel that Portland is hardly credible and I doubt it will ever give me that high that I so crave.”

“I guess you won’t know until you try, though. Go out for a play or something,” Finn suggested. She had been wanting to since they’d gotten here, and she never had, and he felt like that was at least a little his fault. He didn’t try to distract her or anything, but he guessed his existence in this place just kind of naturally distracted her. “You should, Rach. I know you don’t think Portland will be the same as New York, but you won’t know until you try.”

He was doing his very best to be encouraging. He really did want her to do whatever made her happy, and he knew she loved performing. “Maybe just performing itself will be kind of a high, you know? You might not have as big of an audience, but there’s a really big kind of art culture around here. You never know.” He felt like he sounded kind of disjointed and disconnected, but he thought he was making a point.

“Oh, I will,” she said, giving him a small smile. She wasn’t going to let anything stop her at this point, not even her obligations to Finn. Which she was doing herself. She wanted everything to be easy for him, but she realized it wasn’t easy. Even trying to make it easy for him wasn’t working because Portland had a way of doing things on its own and altering their life. While she didn’t like it in the least, she had to accept it. It was just hard to.

“I should have told you this before, I know and I do apologize. I just wanted to be with you. I wanted to make up for all the lost time that was taken from us,” she admitted and slowly and hesitantly reached out and took his hand. It felt so different in her own. The hand that she was used to holding onto was so strong and big and she felt comforted, but this hand, it was soft and delicate but she pushed that aside. It was still Finn.

“You don’t have to apologize, Rach,” Finn assured her. She didn’t. She really hadn’t done anything wrong, she had just been trying to be a good girlfriend. And he really appreciated that. She had always been really, really good to him, even when he’d been probably the worst boyfriend ever. She probably deserved better, but Finn was pretty selfish. He wanted her to himself even if maybe he shouldn’t.

He smiled when Rachel took his hand. He knew it was weird for her, and it was actually pretty weird for him too. He was used to having big hands that he could wrap around hers, but right now, his hands were about the same size as hers. They were softer and kind of delicate, which was weird. Even balling them into a fist, they were kind of tiny. But it still felt nice to hold Rachel’s hand.

“I really missed you,” he said quietly, meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry I stayed away so long and didn’t tell you I was going. I really shouldn’t have done that.”

Rachel’s eyes were on Finn’s, but it was so weird because he was most certainly a female sitting beside him. His hands were soft and delicate, but there was a distinct way in with Finn would hold her hand and she felt that right now. It was still the same - even if it wasn’t and she smiled almost shyly. She missed him so, but it was nothing that couldn’t wait until he turned back into himself. If he ever did. She hadn’t thought about the fact that if he didn’t and if he were to stay a girl forever. She would do anything for Finn, she knew that already, so she supposed loving him even with his gender bender ways was just something that would be expected of her.

“Are you hungry? I can fix you something right up?” Her smile was infectious as she got up, but then it occurred to her that they had fixed her problem. She spoke about it and they both came up with a conclusion for it, but it was him now that probably needed to talk.

“Is there anything that you need to say, Finn?”

Finn stayed quiet for a moment, considering her question. There were probably a few things they should talk about, but right now, he just didn’t want to. Maybe that was bad and not really healthy for a relationship or whatever, but things were already going to be in a weird place while he was a girl, so he just shook his head. “No, I’m okay,” he said, giving her a smile. “Let’s just have some dinner.”