InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Blake should be in a cage."

fightsmonsters (fightsmonsters) wrote in portland_logs,
@ 2014-03-04 01:59:00

Entry tags:

dean winchester, sam winchester

Who: Dean and Sam Winchester
Where: Kitchen Free Will
When: Tuesday, March 4th, morning
What: Talking about hell and stuff.
Status: Complete!
Warnings: None at the moment.

Dean had no fucking idea what he was doing, but he was trying.

It took a couple days. There wasn't silence so much as quiet as they digested what they'd seen. Dean's hell had been disconcerting for Sam, but Sam's had terrified the both of them. Sam more than Dean, obviously, but to Dean it was something he hadn't been able to stop or protect his brother from. The best he could do was assure him that his "future" self had been wrong, but he wasn't entirely sure if he'd come close to succeeding in that respect.

Dean had never realized that Sam had enough insecurities to have some that were so unshakable. Maybe it was stupid (it was definitely stupid), but he'd thought they'd dealt with some of that in the church. As if being Dean's priority was enough. Christ, that had been selfish. That it took fire and brimstone and a thing wearing his brother's body to realize it was almost worse.

It was over breakfast one morning that Dean broke the silence that wasn't quiet. Sitting across the table, he said, "I think I get it. Sort of. With the whole... hell thing."

(Post a new comment)

bornunder
2014-03-04 07:30 am UTC (link)

His personal hell had rendered Sam mostly speechless while he was enduring it, and that hadn't stopped once they'd left it behind them and returned to Portland. That wasn't to say that he didn't have anything to express. He had a lot to think about, to process, and in combination with having inadvertently revealed more of his inner demons to his brother than he'd expected, that sent him deep into his own thoughts for a while. He wasn't actively shutting Dean out, but since his brother also seemed to need some time to deal with what they'd seen, the quiet seemed to work for both of them.

At least it was more of a companionable silence than it had been before, or at least that was how Sam perceived it. The fact that they'd made some progress prior to seeing Sam's hell had probably helped with that.

He hadn't quite gotten to the point where he was ready to initiate the next conversation by breaking the silence, in part just because he still wanted Dean to be the one to step forward and meet him halfway in working through this. He was definitely ready, always ready, for his brother to talk to him, so long as it was in an honest way.

He paused in eating when Dean spoke, and glanced up momentarily before casting his eyes back down at his plate. There was a little, uncomfortable twist to his stomach just at the reminder that Dean had seen him-- or a version of him-- like that, and a part of him was still instinctively waiting for that look to appear in his brother's eyes. The one he'd been on the receiving end of before, years ago, when he'd gone off the reservation. The one that he'd seen even more clearly the face of the hell-world version of his brother, whose features had been practically engraved with it because he'd been wearing it for so long.

"I'm still not entirely sure I do," he admitted, after a moment in which he attempted to swallow all of that insecurity down so that he could listen to Dean's viewpoint with even a small amount of objectivity. "What is it that you... got from it?"

(Reply to this) (Thread)

fightsmonsters
2014-03-04 04:46 pm UTC (link)

Dean idly pushed food around his plate. As usual, he'd spoken before thinking. He hadn't articulated his follow-up in his head. Stupid. If he kept eating, he'd look like an asshole. He knew enough to know that.

So it took Dean a few awkward moments of silence before he said, "I thought a lot of what you said in the church was... frustration. Or that you were wrong and just needed me to tell you that it wasn't true." He didn't like to think about that, if he could help it. It wasn't the first time Sam had been dying in his arms, and Dean wasn't so sure it would be the last, but it wasn't something that a person just got used to. Not even Dean. Especially not Dean. But Sam was grown now, whether Dean liked it or not, and that meant just being told that it was going to be all right wasn't enough.

"I'm helping you become that thing," he admitted, his mouth dry. "By... dragging you around. I'm trying to protect you. It's my job to look after you, make sure you get to see another day. I do it like shit." Dean dropped his silverware onto his plate and reached up to rub at his eyes, pinch the bridge of his nose.

"I can't say I should've let you die. I can't admit that. You know I can't. But with the... with the Ezekiel thing. And everything else. Taking you away from the trials. Not looking after you the way I should. I'm messing with your head."

It all sounded reluctant, awkward, a little halting. Dean wasn't talking about his feelings, but this wasn't the place for it. This was about Sam, doing his damn job, and it was clear in his expression and his voice that admitting that he was doing his one job poorly was eating at him.

But Dean Winchester was nothing if not willing to carve out his own insides for his brother.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

bornunder
2014-03-04 05:31 pm UTC (link)

In retrospect, Sam probably should have predicted that Dean would see that and come away feeling like it was his fault. It was typical of both of them to blame themselves rather than the other, but especially Dean, who still saw Sam as his responsibility. Not that Sam didn't feel responsible for his brother, or want to protect him, but it wasn't the same thing. For the most part, Sam felt that he had to protect his brother from himself.

But not for the reasons Dean seemed to think. "No," he said after a moment, quietly but firmly. "That's not what happened in that world."

He took a deep breath, and set down his fork to scrub a hand over his face, trying to find the words to explain himself. It wasn't easy; the portal had shown him the ending of a story, but there was so much that had come to Sam intuitively that Dean hadn't gotten, because it wasn't a world that he was built to understand. "I-- I mean, in that world-- tried to do the right thing, but it kept going wrong. I broke the world, and... more importantly, you, without even turning into... anything. It was just..." He trailed off, and then tried again. "And then I started to act... like that, out of necessity. Because it was the only way I could survive in that world without being broken by it. I was still trying to do the right thing, but it was coming out all wrong."

"I think the point," he continued, "Is that I don't... I'm not capable of just hunting, the way you do, the way you... were, in your heaven. Either I mess something up or I'm getting messed up by something else. Maybe that's because something's wrong with me, maybe it's just because I got screwed over in the cards I've been dealt, I don't know. I do know that you try to protect me from it, I know you do, but... protecting me from myself as well as the world is an impossible job, Dean. Especially because when you try, you sacrifice yourself in the process, and... being the reason you're hurting is probably the biggest thing that I need to be protected from, because that's what hurts the most."

His voice had gotten rough by the end of that speech, because his throat was closing over, and he didn't have the wherewithal to keep himself entirely together. But he wasn't strictly trying, either, because this was probably something Dean needed to see as well as hear. And he was willing to make himself vulnerable for his brother's sake, too.

"I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, and figure out how to do... all of this, without fucking it up. I don't need you to do it for me. In some ways, that defeats the purpose. I don't want to be so... stupid and wrong all the time that I can't even function without you. I do need you to be honest with me, and not... go behind my back to make choices I wouldn't want, but I really need you to be looking after yourself, too. For my sake. Because I don't know how to do it, and you... don't really seem to want to let me try, most of the time."

He was getting off on a tangent, so he paused for a beat and tried to turn himself back around to the real topic. "The point isn't that I'm afraid of turning into something else. I can handle something being wrong with me, I've been living with it my entire life. It's the consequences for everyone and everything else that scares the hell out of me. That whole world was broken, including you and me, and it was my fault."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fightsmonsters
2014-03-04 05:50 pm UTC (link)

Dean could see the point going up and over his head.

It was no mystery that he'd come to such a wrong conclusion. Dean looked at his brother and didn't see a man capable for breaking the world. Not like that. He'd believe it from himself without question, but Sam? Smart, intuitive, self-aware Sam could never end up like that. It didn't make sense. It was all Dean could do not to interrupt him, but he kept his mouth shut and sat back in his chair, his jaw tight so he didn't derail the speech that it was clearly difficult for Sam to give.

Sam was making sense. He was following a line of logic. It was just a kind of sense that Dean couldn't necessarily wrap his head around. But then, that had always been Sam, hadn't it? He could do things that Dean never could. He could leave when he needed to. He could walk away, go to college, settle down without Dean if he needed to. Dean still wasn't sure if he envied it or if it just seemed strange.

When he finally felt comfortable talking, he said, "You're not stupid. You're such a nerd I don't think you could do stupid if you tried." He fidgeted, resettling his weight in his chair. "I... can't pretend I get it, I guess. And I can't make promises, right this second." The effort not to argue and assure Sam that no, everything's fine, we're family and cover it up so neither of them had to deal with it was almost painful. Dean had never realized how hard he worked to cover Sam's eyes and ears until he was trying not to do it.

"I'm never going to believe that you'll even come close to breaking the damn world. That's not something I'll buy. But if you want me to try to back off, I can try. I'm not going anywhere, but I can try to stop... I don't know. Hovering." Dean drew in a long breath and let it out slowly. "Hell if I know how to take care of myself, but I don't want you to worry about that. I'm a grown man, I should probably start figuring that out anyway."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

bornunder
2014-03-05 05:54 am UTC (link)

Despite himself, Sam smiled, and gave a little huff of laughter. He looked away as he did it, as if to hide it, but not very successfully. "Being smart doesn't always help," he pointed out. "Prioritizing logic over instinct has led me wrong before."

It was a surprise, and at least partially a pleasant one, to hear that Dean didn't honestly believe that he could break the world. "Haven't I come close to breaking it already?" he asked, a little wryly. But aside from arguing the point logically, something else had occurred to him. "So...it's not that you think the good in me is worth sacrificing just to keep me alive, it's... you honestly don't believe that's something that can ever go away? You think I'm inherently good, regardless of what happens to me?" It made a strange amount of sense that Dean would see it that way, even if Sam didn't think it was true. "Maybe you believe in me too much, instead of too little."

Which was oddly, on some level, reassuring. Not because it caused them any less problems than the alternative explanation, but because he'd had reason to wonder on more than one occasion whether Dean actually trusted his ability to make the right decision. Of course, believing that he was a good person didn't mean he could make decisions; even if he was a good person, he was still young and vulnerable and in need of protection from everything.

"I don't want you to make me any promises unless you mean them," he said, "And I don't expect this to just... be solved. It's not that I want you to back off, either, but... I mean, yeah, you don't need to hover around me anymore. I just..." He hesitated, looking at his hands. He was verging on touchy-feely territory, not that they hadn't been somewhat there anyway, but it seemed like he might be pushing his luck.

He decided to push it anyway. "I feel like there's so much guilt and lies and whatever else on top of us that we've almost forgotten how to relate to each other. I want to be brothers again-- but not in the same way, because our old roles don't work. In terms of the way we view each other, and how we view our lives and our futures. I'd like to be able to trust each other and take care of each other equally, or at least... a little bit more evenly. If you don't want to let me take care of you, then you need to do it instead. Spend some of the energy you're spending on me on yourself instead, and let me deal with my end. Or find someone else that... works better for you."

It took a little bit of effort to get the last few sentences out without revealing the way it cut at him to feel like he couldn't help his brother, to carry some of the weight, and return some of the effort that had been put towards him over the years. To settle his debt, but it wasn't about owing. He just happened to give a shit about whether Dean was alright, and the fact was that when Dean was better off, he had a clearer head and more capability to make better decisions. "And I know you can't ignore the instinct to protect me or save me, but... don't make decisions for me. There's a lot that I'd be willing to do if you just asked. I stopped doing the trials when you asked, remember?"

He couldn't say outright that he would have agreed to be possessed, but obviously Dean had been convinced in the moment that it was worth doing. If he'd actually asked Sam to agree to that... well, he didn't know, because part of that depended upon the angel. But if he'd known he was possessed, at least he'd be able to try to stop the angel from doing something. And if he died to stop the angel, then there would be one less psycho angel in the world-- that had been worth being possessed and dying for, before. And if that angel had really had Sam's best interests in mind, getting his informed consent shouldn't have been an issue.

But that wasn't the point. He had lost track of the point, maybe because there were a lot of points; there was too much to deal with. He was trying to bear up under it, all the same.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fightsmonsters
2014-03-05 05:51 pm UTC (link)

To his credit, Dean was trying to keep up. It was easier, this time, not to interrupt. Sam was working through something here, talking to communicate with Dean but also for himself. Talking about their feelings had never come easy, especially not with the weight of stop being such a girl hanging over them. Their dad would've never let a conversation get this long. Bobby might have tolerated it, before getting all squirmy and trying to fix it by yelling something sharp and meaningful and telling them to get on with it and just get along, goddamn it. They'd never had the best examples. Dean had never watched anyone talk it out except in movies and soap operas, and those were just fiction.

"When I can make a promise, I will." But that was a promise itself, wasn't it? That was a start. Dean still struggled with what to say to the rest of it; Sam wasn't wrong, not by a longshot, but he needed something more substantial thatn Dean just nodding his head in agreement. He still didn't know where he'd start to take care of himself, but with it all laid out -- especially by Sam, who was much more articulate than Dean could ever manage even when he was emotional and confused --, he could start to understand the rest of it.

Maybe, just maybe, some of Dean's trouble was rooted in him because he'd never been able to break away himself. He'd never been able to put his foot down with his dad and declare that he was grown now, his dad could stop hovering and telling him what to think. That he could be asked instead of told, that he could make decisions for himself.

The thought of that left him nauseated. It was difficult to get Dean to admit that his dad had done much of anything wrong, but the idea that he was like him, now that the man was almost ten years dead? The thought that he had taken after his father in the way that he'd put himself into Sam's life and tried to tell him what to do or, in a pinch, what to think, left him with a kind of dread. Like it or not, when it came to Dean, their dad had been rigid. He'd put fear into his son and it had worked; it ensured that Dean would do as he was supposed to do even when they were separated, that he would stand up straight without thinking and come when he was called. Even until the last second, with very few exceptions, Dean would have done anything he was told to if it came from his father.

Not getting the same... obedience from Sam had just made him cling harder and squeeze tighter and try to make it work, because in some way, Dean still believed that their dad had known best.

Dean was still their dad's soldier, in the end. It seemed now like all he'd moved past was that leather jacket. Still the same car. Same music. If anything, he was more like John every year, rougher and more damaged, more attached to alcohol than ever.

It struck him, from what felt like out of blue, that he didn't actually want to be that way. The thought was so new and foreign that it left him quiet for a good long time, nearly enough to make it seem like he wouldn't say anything.

"I remember," Dean finally said, his throat dry. "You're, ah. You're pretty much stuck with that whole... believing in you thing. But you're right about everything else. I mean... shit." He rubbed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose. It embarrassed the hell out of him, but he was something of a crier. "I need -- or want -- to just be your brother. I complicate it. You deserve your own life, and I haven't let you have that. Not gonna be perfect right away but..."

But now, maybe, he actually did get it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

bornunder
2014-03-06 05:13 am UTC (link)

Sam nodded. He wasn't sure he needed a promise, certainly not right now, but it'd be nice to have. In truth, he didn't need Dean to express more right now, either-- he could see that something he'd said had gotten through, and pieces had fallen into place. He hadn't meant to upset Dean, but he was fairly certain that the emotions his brother was experiencing were useful, even if they weren't entirely pleasant. Much like his own had been, in attempting to express himself.

"It's a two way street, Dean," he pointed out. "Just because I do things differently doesn't mean I do it the right way, either. I... I'm a flight risk, I know that. I start to feel overprotected or controlled, and I start looking for a way out. And then you feel like you need to hold on tighter because you can't trust me not to disappear or throw my life away, and that makes me want to run away even more, and... so on. It just keeps getting worse." He shrugged a little helplessly, spreading his hands on the table. "That instinct is probably just as deeply wired in me as yours is. I don't think I can make any promises to change it entirely, either, but... maybe if you let go just a little, and I hold on a little tighter, the cycle will start moving in the other direction."

It sounded good when he said it aloud, anyway. In practice, it probably wasn't going to be so easy, but they were obviously both willing to work at it, so that was something.

He managed a smile. "You're stuck with the whole 'believing in you' thing too, I think. I know you're better than this." He hesitated, and then pushed past the instinct to hold back sentiment, again. "You've always been worth dying for, but you're also worth living for, and... maybe even worth being possessed for." His smile grew a little sardonic, as he attempted to inject a tiny bit of humor into his tone, but fell a little short. "I mean, I don't know how it works if I go back there now, if that'll still happen or what-- but whoever that asshole is, he can't be worse than Lucifer, right?"

It was his way of attempting to say that he had forgiven Dean for the incident, and that he had hope that the next time they faced a situation like that, it would go better. Maybe even that he had hope that his future at home wasn't all bad, but he wasn't going to hold his breath on that one. If the future that Dean had already lived couldn't be rewritten, they might still be entirely fucked.

But not here. Here could be better.

(Reply to this) (Parent)