InsaneJournal

Who: Hanna & Spencer
Where: The Liar’s Lair
When: Backdated to shortly after Aria was rescued
What: Spencer comes out of the closet to Hanna about her feelings
Status: Complete
Warnings: Nope



Just when Hanna had started feeling a little relaxed and okay with the city of Portland and the fact that they were stuck here, all hell broke loose. Literally. There were zombies filling the streets, they couldn’t go out, not that Hanna would anyway, not with those things out there. Finn had been helping out over at the Teardrop and he would bring stuff to the girls and check on them, but she worried constantly that something was going to happen to him. He wasn’t like a lot of the other people here, he was like her, like the other girls, just human and anything could happen to him. That thought terrified her. Losing Finn or any of the other girls would absolutely kill Hanna.

Then, as if she wasn’t already worried about all this stuff, Aria went missing. Hanna had been freaked out and then Spencer had gone out with Derek to look for her, Emily staying to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid. Hello, like she was planning on going out in the middle of the freaking walking dead! She’d seen that show with Caleb and it was gross and disgusting and there was no way in hell she was going out there. Girls like Hanna didn’t survive zombie apocalypses. Girls like Aria typically didn’t either (Spencer and Emily probably would, though. Definitely Spencer more than Emily.) except she had a boyfriend who had supernatural friends and rescued her.

That rescue and the fact that they finally had Aria back home where she belonged was why all four girls were piled in Aria’s bed, watching those old, black and white movies she loved so much and pigging out on junk food. Hanna really didn’t like those movies all that much, they made her eyes glaze over and she swore she could fall asleep with her eyes open. She seriously needed a break from the millionth movie they were watching and more than that, she needed a drink. Hanna had sort of cut down on the drinking, but after all the chaos and worry and the fact that the world, or maybe just Portland, was overrun with zombies, she totally needed a drink and she didn’t even care.

Hanna excused herself, claiming to need to hit the ladies room and then grab more snacks, but headed straight for her own room as soon as she closed Aria’s door. Ducking into her room, she lifted her bed skirt and reached under her bed where she stashed her bottles and got one out, twisting the cap off and taking a long swallow. “God, I needed that.” She muttered to herself as she went to take another drink, just as her door opened and she saw Spencer. Great, here comes a lecture.

“God, Spencer, knock much?”

“Oh shut up and give me a drink,” Spencer said. She gave Hanna a smug look when the blonde appeared surprised. She wasn’t here to lecture Hanna. Frankly, she did think that Hanna leaned on alcohol too hard as a coping mechanism. Spencer knew the signs, she had struggled with addiction herself. Emily had her brief foray into pain pills when she had been trying to hide her swimming injury but that had been a Saturday afternoon hobby for her. Spencer was intimidated with addiction. She knew the ups and downs of the shittiest roller coaster ride on earth. Yet, none of that stopped her from taking the bottle from Hanna and taking a long satisfying swig. Yes, Spencer knew addiction but alcohol was not her drug of choice. Spencer liked uppers, speed, caffeine, methamphetamines, anything that could get her buzzing hard and flying high. It was difficult to be a highly functional perfectionist all the time.

It had lead Spencer down the very darkest of paths. It had led her straight to a place that made her question her own sanity. She thought she had hurt Alison for the longest time. For the time longest time, that was what Ali had let her believe. It was still possible that Spencer hurt the other girl in the grave, the one who had taken Ali’s place that night. The real girl that died. Spencer still didn’t understand how bodies could get mixed up that way in the hands of the authorities but Spencer had learned long ago that the so-called “authorities” in Rosewood were a joke. So she assumed they were a joke everywhere, including Portland.

Still, she was not here to lecture Hanna. From the very beginning Spencer had been the most lax when it came to Hanna’s drinking. She had been through so much, she deserved a little coping mechanism. It was fine if it was only going to last for a quick bender but Hanna’s bender had lasted for awhile and included her getting trashed in the middle of the day frequently. Spencer couldn’t ignore that kind of behavior. That was a clear cry for help. She just wished Dean was here to set Hanna straight even if it did mean she had to pee in a cup all the time.

“I’m sorry I didn’t knock. It’s been a stressful couple of days,” Spencer pointed out. Of course she had been the one to report Aria missing and to go out and look for her with Derek. She and Derek hadn’t been able to pick up the scent with Spencer thought was weird for a werewolf but she didn’t want to insult him so she didn’t say anything about it. Although she made a mental note to check in with him at some point. She missed their training sessions. Aria was home now though and that was all that mattered. This particular nightmare was over. Now they just had to prepare for the next.

Hanna was definitely surprised when, instead of lecturing her, Spencer demanded a drink. But despite her arched brow and surprised/confused look, the blonde handed it to her friend without argument. Hey, if Spencer wanted to drink instead of constantly saying stuff to her about doing the same thing, that totally worked for her. Deep down she knew she’d been drinking way too much, she’d even been trying to cut back some. But, it helped her cope with everything it seemed. The loss, being somewhere she wasn’t used to, missing her family, Alison being alive, everything going on here in Portland. It was something she’d taken to using as a crutch, but it helped. Until she woke up feeling like hell the next day, anyway.

“It’s okay.” Hanna shrugged, giving her friend a sympathetic look. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just thought…” She paused, deciding not to bring up what she thought. If Spencer wasn’t going to lecture her, no need in reminding her to. She would take the win. “It doesn’t matter, but yeah, it’s been crazy stressful. I’m just glad we got Aria back. I don’t know what I would’ve done if…” She trailed off, unwilling to actually speak that out loud. They’d all dealt with losing Ali, but then she came back and it had sent Hanna into a downward spiral. She didn’t want to deal with all the insults and how bad Alison had always made her feel bad about herself. “I’m just glad she’s back. That’s what matters. That’s all that matters. We’re here, we’re...mostly safe and I’ll take it as a win. So, hand me that bottle and let’s drink to that.” She flashed a bright smile, reaching over to take the bottle from Spencer’s hand and tipping it back before handing it to her again.

Spencer couldn’t help but smile softly at the almost reductive way Hanna had of putting things. It actually made more sense than some of what Spencer did. She was always looking to make things more complicated than they were. Sometimes Hanna was needed to just break it down. Hanna never tried to scratch her right ear with her left hand. She almost took the most direct approach. It could be abrupt, sometimes it could be downright stupid but in a way Hanna was smarter than all of them, including Spencer.

“I know. I don’t know what I would do if anything had happened to her. I can’t deal with the thought of losing any of you.” That was part of why Spencer had been so adamant about burning down all of her hard work on the corkboard of doom on her bedroom wall. A small project to help keep her organized had spiraled so far out of control that A was sending messages through the wormhole. Spencer had to keep her friends safe. It was her one real mission here in Portland. Losing Aria wasn’t an option, losing any of them wasn’t an option. Not everyone could expertly fake their own death the way that Ali had. That was probably because not everyone was a sociopath, Spencer thought.

“We’ll be okay as long as we stick together. We have to be extra careful now when then wormhole throws things at us. We should try and go everywhere together if we can. We can go out in pairs. Although right now I think we should stay right where we are. If we need something I can always ask Steve to drop it off.” But of course Spencer being Spencer had already more than stocked up on supplies for the impending apocalypse. They had a surplus of water, canned food and toilet paper just in case the end did come. People were already beginning to rely on food drops from the military. Spencer trusted those just about as much as she trusted cops. That was why she was glad she was always prepared. But she had forgotten the booze. Luckily, Hanna could be counted on to cover them there. Spencer took another drink and handed the bottle back to Hanna.

The thought of losing any of her friends was a horrifying, heartbreaking thought for Hanna. She’d learned to deal without Alison, but then again, it wasn’t like she’d really been a friend. They’d all hung out with her, they’d all followed her around, but was it really a friendship or was it all out of fear? She’d always said their secrets kept them close, but she knew all their secrets while they knew nothing about her. Plain and simple, Alison DeLaurentis was a bitch and she’d never really been a friend. The only one who’d truly liked her was Emily, but that was because Emily was in love with her. That’s why she’d been the one who’d latched onto Ali as soon as she’d reappeared. It made Hanna sick at her stomach and she knew, from the looks she’d seen Spencer giving that night they’d been holding hands, that her friend hated it too.

“I think you’re right.” Hanna agreed, taking the offered bottle, tipping it to her lips. Thank God she’d thought to stock up some alcohol. It wasn’t like they were leaving the house in this. She hated that Finn would go out in it, but he was helping out at the safe zone and she got that. At least he was safe, she just didn’t like him coming and going like he had been. And as much as she’d taken care of the alcohol, Spencer had made sure everything else was stocked up. “It’s too dangerous here and not like the kind we’re used to either.” She shrugged. “Although, I can’t say I wouldn’t pay my whole weekly $200 just to see a zombie eat Ali.” Hanna smirked, taking another drink and handing it to Spencer. She was definitely harboring some serious resentment there, that was no secret. “Then we wouldn’t have to deal with her and Emily wouldn’t be so stupid. I swear, it’s like her brain turns to mush anytime that bitch comes around. It’s disgusting.”

Spencer laughed, she couldn’t help it. She hated the way that Ali and Emily made her feel. She was so obviously using Emily that Spencer couldn’t understand how Emily didn’t see what the rest of them could see. Even Hanna could see it now and it had taken awhile for her to come around. Spencer thought it hit Hanna the hardest because it forced Hanna back into her role as “Hefty Hanna”. After Ali died, Hanna had become the new queen bee. There wasn’t room for two of them.

“Sorry. That’s so morbid, Hanna.” She took the bottle of liquor and took another swig. “But seriously, Hanna. We’ve been here for a few months now. What’s got you thinking about Ali again? Are you afraid she’ll show up here?” It was a question that didn’t actually need to be answered because she was positive that all the girls besides Emily were terrified that Ali would show up in Portland.

“Or has Emily said something to you about her?” Spencer cleared her throat and tried really hard to look completely nonchalant about that question. It had recently come to Spencer’s attention that her feelings for Emily were a little more intense than her feelings for Aria or Hanna. She didn’t really know what to do with those feelings just yet. For now she was ignoring them to see if they would resolve themselves. Was it because it’s what Toby would have wanted? He had loved Emily too.

Hanna shared in her friend’s laughter, they both had a lot of contempt for the girl they were talking about. The girl who’d made Hanna feel so bad about herself, she’d turned to bulimia to not be the fat girl that Alison picked on all the time. It wasn’t her proudest moment, but truthfully, she’d had a lot of those not so proud moments. It was kind of her thing. She wasn’t exactly the brains of the group, but she was fabulous. Blonde, beautiful and totally fabulous. Self-described, of course. Though, she doubted anyone would disagree. Except maybe Jenna Marshall and she was blind, so obviously that was why. But when she wasn’t blind for like, those five seconds, she would’ve totally agreed. Thank God she got to see, even for that long, right? Even though she’d totally faked being blind and they’d busted her. God, people really were always so freaking shady in Rosewood. Hanna kind of wondered if anyone here in Portland was like that, or had friends who constantly lied and hid things and all that. At least none of their group was like that, not with each other anyway. Together, they’d been lying and hiding things for years. They’d had to. They had all learned the hard way on numerous occasions just how bad A would make things for them if they didn’t.

Taking the bottle, Hanna tipped it to her lips and pondered Spencer’s question. Why was she so focused on Alison again? Maybe she’d never not been. Or maybe all her pent up anger and resentment was coming out. Who knew? Maybe she was just in one of those moods. Or maybe it was just easier to focus her anger and bitterness on Alison than to face the reality of their situation now. I mean, hello, zombies? What kind of world were they living in now?! She did have to arch a curious brow at Spencer’s questions about Emily talking about Alison, but it wasn’t something she got hung up on. The two of them had gotten even closer since they’d gotten here, she was probably just worried or something. Or was it more? “No, she hasn’t said anything.” She shook her head, offering the bottle back, feeling that warm, fuzzy feeling spreading out through her body as the alcohol started taking effect. “Why? Has she said anything to you? You don’t think she’s like, missing her or wishing she was here do you? I seriously hope not. If that bitch shows up, I don’t know what I’ll do. No way is she living with us either. I don’t care how bad Aria feels for her.” Their friend had a bleeding heart and they’d almost ended up with some stray already, thank God that hadn’t happened. “You talk to Em more than anyone, so if she had, you’d be the one who knew.”

“I don’t know what we’ll do if Ali shows up,” Spencer admitted. It was very difficult for Spencer to admit that she didn’t know something. Spencer was the one with the answers, she could be counted on to know always. But in this instance, she didn’t know what the right move was. It was possible that if they denied Ali that she would manipulate Emily into going with her and the thought of that infuriated Spencer to a near boiling point. She couldn’t stand the thought of Ali and Emily. Maybe it was jealousy but Spencer didn’t have the same feelings of hatred when she thought about Paige or Maya. It was just Alison because she had to manipulate everyone and Emily was the easiest of them all to manipulate.

“We can’t just leave her out there to her own devices. Think about what Alison would do in a world full of vampires and werewolves and supernatural gangsters? She would find the biggest most powerful one and find a way to make them her bitch. Because that’s what Alison does and then she’ll have all of the ammo she needs to take the four of us down.” Or maybe the three of them if Emily proved to be loyal enough. But even Emily had a snapping point when it came to Alison’s shenanigans.

“Better to keep your enemies closer when you can, even if it sucks.” She made a scowling face at Hanna. She knew how hard being around Alison was for her friend. Nobody understood better than Spencer. Her and Ali’s entire relationship was built on tension because Spencer was the one who didn’t blindly follow Ali. She had a mind of her own and she couldn’t keep her opinions to herself.

“I’m sorry. Let’s just hope that Alison doesn’t show up, okay? Can I have one more swig?” Spencer held out her hand for the bottle.

Hanna frowned. She hated it, but Spencer did have a point. If Alison did show up here, they couldn’t just leave her out there to get eaten or killed or anything. And they definitely couldn’t leave her out there to team up with someone powerful because she would totally try and take them down. Or maybe just all of them but Emily, who knew what Alison was thinking or if she really truly cared about any of them. It was like Spencer said though, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. She liked that method, even if she hated Alison. It gave them the upper hand, when you thought about it like that.

“Yeah, totally.” Hanna said, handing the bottle over to Spencer’s outstretched hand. “Sorry. I was just thinking about what you said. You’re right, you know. The whole keep your enemies closer thing. I mean, it kind of gives us the upper hand if you think about it. It seems like we’re still all BFF with her, while we’re secretly hating her.” She laughed and nodded in approval. “Best plan ever, Spence. Then again, you always have the best plans. That’s why you’re the brains and I design the outfits for our sleuthy missions.” Hanna liked this, they hadn’t had a chance to just hang out and talk like this, the just the two of them. She’d kinda missed it. Okay, no, she’d really missed it. “This is nice. I’m sorry I thought you were coming to lecture me and I’m totally glad you’re drinking with me instead.”

Spencer smiled softly. She really didn’t know if that was the case. Were they all pretending to be BFFs when they secretly hated Ali? Spencer wasn’t even sure if she hated Alison, she only knew that she resented her for being manipulative and evil and screwed with everyone’s emotions but especially Emily’s. Spencer really hated how easily Emily could fall under Alison’s spell. Yes, Alison was beautiful, nobody would deny that but so was Paige. Maybe not as stereotypically beauty queen pretty as Alison but nobody ever really was. Hanna had come close but even after losing all that weight she just didn’t have Ali’s natural slender frame.

Ugh. Why was she even thinking about this? See? Drinking was bad. Which was why Spencer took more than one more sip, she took a swig and then a second swig and then a third swig and then a fourth until Hanna was just staring at her like she was the drunken harlot of the house and not Hanna. Spencer was no stranger to being a drunken harlot but since there were no older British men around to make out with she was going to have to pass the reigns back to Hanna there with her new boyfriend (or whatever) Finn. Spencer liked Finn alright, he seemed fine for being kind of a dolt. She missed Caleb honestly but in the absence of Caleb, she was happy that Hanna was moving on, even if it was with someone who was about as intellectual as a chimpanzee. Finn had heart and that counted for something. Spencer wasn’t sure what, but something. She just hoped Finn wouldn’t let Hanna circle the drain the way that Caleb had. Spencer liked Caleb a lot but she wasn’t too impressed with his attitude once he had returned to Rosewood.

“I think I’m gay.” The words just sprang out of Spencer’s mouth before she could stop them. “Or not gay but just… kind of gay? I don’t know. I mean, if you’re gay you’re gay and you know it, right? Or maybe sexuality really is fluid you know, like they said on The L Word…… not that I’ve been watching that.” Spencer tried to look like she wasn’t about to swallow her own tongue. She was still holding the bottle so she took another sip of liquid courage. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Hanna’s eyes nearly bugged out when Spencer started taking huge drinks from the bottle, like she was trying to finish it all herself. What the hell? She was the lush of the house, probably in all actuality, she was the lush of Portland itself, but who was counting? Certainly not her. She liked to drink and she liked how it numbed her, but she had cut down, even if it was just a little. Maybe even not enough to count. But to her, it totally counted. Something else that she was counting was how many drinks Spencer was taking out of that bottle and she was going to end up sick and puking and God, Hanna so didn’t want to deal with that. She hated dealing with her own self puking her guts out from too much alcohol, she sure as hell didn’t want to do it for someone else!

But just as she was about to say something or reach out and grab the bottle away from her, Spencer opened her mouth and words that Hanna never, in a million years, expected to hear came pouring out. Her blue eyes went wide and she swore her mouth even dropped open. Spencer was gay?! What was going on with the gay thing? Was Aria next? God, was she next? It wasn’t contagious though. Wait, was it? It wasn’t like she’d read up on it, she just knew what she knew from like, movies and TV shows and Emily.

“Wait, are you totally messing with me right now?” Hanna asked, her brows knitting together and the obvious confusion written all over her face. She was blonde, and sometimes very stereotypically so. It wasn’t her fault, it’s just how it was. “You’re….gay?!?!” The last word she whispered out, like it was some horrible affliction or something. But hey, she was trying to be discreet here! “Since when? You were just dating Toby and…” Poor Hanna was so confused and the alcohol clouding her thinking wasn’t helping matters. “No way. When did this happen? And I don’t know how you know, I guess you just know? You do know I’m like, the wrong one to be asking about this, right?” Besides Emily, her only experience with gay life was that bar she went to with the pink drinks. She wasn’t exactly an expert and she was pretty sure some of those girls weren’t even gay, if they were, they would’ve hit on her.

“I was with Toby and I still love him,” Spencer said. “That’s why I think I’m only partly gay or… I guess bisexual? I don’t know all the terminology or even if I need to bother with it. I just know that I’m attracted to women or well, one woman in particular and she doesn’t know, she has no idea, Hanna.” She gave Hanna bring brown Hastings puppy dogs eyes. “Please don’t tell her, at least not until I figure out how to tell her myself. Promise you won’t. Not even in a drunk dial or anything. Swear it.”

Spencer really wanted to believe that coming out to Hanna wasn’t a mistake. She knew Hanna wasn’t exactly the most trustworthy of them at the moment because of her obvious drinking problem. But she was one of Spencer’s best friends and Spencer wanted to trust her. She couldn’t tell Aria, not after everything she had been through. She couldn’t tell Emily just yet for obvious reasons but Hanna had a way of putting things into perspective. Maybe she could actually be helpful here.

“I don’t know how it happened, it just did. Like one day I woke up and realized that Emily’s beautiful and not just in a passing notice kind of way but really really beautiful. And I thought about kissing her and…. well, you don’t need to know all the details. I’ve never really felt this way before but looking back on it, I think I just held myself back because of Toby and Paige,” Spencer admitted.

Hanna listened as Spencer spoke, the desperation in her tone and that look she was giving her, there was no way the blonde could say no. No one could deny those Hastings puppy dog eyes, not even Hanna. “I swear, okay? I won’t say anything.” She would try really, super hard to keep that promise too. This wasn’t hers to tell though, and she could see how hard Spencer was struggling with it. She didn’t want to make things worse for her friend, this was huge and it made Hanna feel good that it was her she chose to share it with. She did wonder, however, who it was Spencer had this thing for.

Emily. Of course, she should’ve known! Duh. Emily was gorgeous and really hot and just so nice and sweet and no wonder all the girls liked her She’d had more significant others than all of them combined and with good reason. Hell, even Hanna, who liked boys only, thought Emily was hot. She’d probably be one of those ‘I’d go gay for’ girls for Hanna, even. Well, maybe. There was a few celebrities she had on that list that would probably take precedence.

“Well, you had Toby and Em, she had...Maya, Samara, Paige, Maya again, then Paige again, then Alison, and well, you get the picture. Wow, she really has had more girlfriends than any of us have had boyfriends.” Hanna tended to drift off focus sometimes, especially when she was drinking. “Anyway, that’s not the point. You like her, I get it, she’s gorgeous and she’s hot and she’s just...Emily. You can’t help but be attracted to her, I probably even was at one point, for like three seconds.” She smirked, reaching out to give Spencer’s hand a squeeze. “You guys have been really close since we got here, I see it, hell, Aria probably even sees it and she’s barely around. And I also see the way Emily looks at you, Spence. It’s different. I didn’t think much of it, but now….now it makes total sense.” She grinned, feeling very proud of herself in that moment. Taking the bottle from Spencer’s other hand, she tipped it back and took a long drink. “I won’t say anything, but maybe you should.”

“Wait. You think it’s reciprocated?” Spencer asked. She hoped that was one of the SAT words that Hanna had actually looked up. But of course it was, she didn’t need Hanna to confirm it even if she already had. She could see the way that Emily had looked at her. Truthfully, she had always known. After Ali of course. Because while Ali was in the picture Emily had stars in her eyes and couldn’t see past anything that wasn’t Alison. But it wasn’t just the way she looked at Spencer, it was the way she held her hand, the way she touched her hair, the way she talked to her and so easily invited her to share a bed. Their relationship was changing right in front of her.

“I know it is. There’s always been something between us but there’s always been Toby and whoever Emily’s dating too.” But mostly Toby because not only was Toby Spencer’s boyfriend but he was also Emily’s best friend. Toby had been standing between the two of them for a long time and nobody ever really noticed. Maybe the three of them could have even been something at some point if Emily was into guys. Spencer knew that she wasn’t usually. Ben had been a beard and her little crush on Maya’s “cousin” had been a general disaster. She was pretty sure Emily was sticking to lady town these days and Spencer was glad about that. Because she was going to need a tour guide.

“Thank you for listening to me and for keeping my secret. I promise I’ll tell Emily when I’m ready. Soon.” Spencer swore as she gave Hanna a smile and handed the bottle. “Thanks for the liquid courage and for listening.”

Hanna knew the word, she’d been trying to expand her vocabulary and she was totally subscribed to the dictionary.com ‘word of the day’. She did think Emily had feelings for Spencer, there had been a shift in things since they’d arrived here. Aria was dating someone who wasn’t Ezra, Hanna was dating someone who wasn’t Caleb and all the while, she’d noticed Spencer and Emily getting closer. There was definitely something there, she just knew it. Maybe she should play cupid here. No, she’d promised Spencer she wouldn’t say anything and she wanted to keep that promise.

“You don’t have to thank me, Spencer.” Hanna smiled widely, leaning over to give Spencer a warm hug. “That’s what friends are for. It’s not like you haven’t put up with enough from me since we got here. If anything, I should be thanking you.” Taking one more drink from the bottle, she grabbed the lid off the bed and twisted it back on. “We should probably get back before they send out a search party for us this time.” Standing up, Hanna linked her arm through Spencer’s as they left her room and headed back towards Aria’s where she and Emily were waiting.