unbroken_halo (unbroken_halo) wrote in pornicators, @ 2006-10-07 00:10:00 |
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Original poster: unbroken_halo
Title: The Facts Of Life
Author: unbroken_halo
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company belong to JK Rowling. No copyright infringement is meant.
Pairing: Severus Snape/ Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Severus tells Harry the facts of life.
Warnings: Serious Crack!fic, possibly MSTish in a way, Mentions of Mpreg, Language, Clichés, Innuendo
AN: Written for shinidraco‘s birthday. She requested a serious crack fic or an MST with Severus and Harry about a chosen cliché. First off, let me say that I love Mpreg’s, I really do. I have written several and am helping to write one at this moment in time. So, I mean no disrespect to any author that has written one. This well-known and debated cliché struck me though, when I got up this morning and I knew it had to be the one for this fic.
Severus Snape stood in his lab, his body braced and poised over a boiling cauldron, when a shout rang out causing him to lose count of his stir and ruining the potion.
With a snarl, he vanished the dreg from his cauldron and mentally tried to calm himself as the shouting continued. He stormed from the lab and into the main living quarters, robes flaring behind him.
“Mr. Potter, if you insist on screaming across these chambers, I will take extreme measures to silence you.”
Harry cringed and turned around to face his partner. He swallowed at the rage on Severus’ face and cleared his throat. “Professor, I suggest you remember I am not one of your students, but your bed warmer and I highly recommend that you calm down before you find yourself alone in said bed once more.”
They glared at each other for a moment then Harry grinned at Severus and the stern Potions Master scowled.
“You are the most infuriating…”
“Condescending, arrogant, Gryffindor of the first order and you don’t know why you continue to allow my presence in your chambers let alone your bed.” Harry finished his sentence, smirking at him. “You need new lines.”
Severus rolled his eyes at him. “If you know this, then why are you annoying me and wasting precious time and energy not to mention potions ingredients?”
Harry cringed again. “Sorry ‘bout that. But I have to show you something.” He turned back to his desk. Keys clacked on the keyboard and the screen flicked as an image slowly began to appear followed by long lines of text. “Come look at this.”
Severus sighed. “Potter, I have told you I want nothing to do with that damned Muggle contraption.”
“I know but this actually pertains to something real… sort of.” Harry looked back at him and motioned him over. “You have to see what they have come up with now.”
“Muggles do not amaze me in their capacity to invent things we have already conquered with magic.”
“Oh really, how about male pregnancy?”
“What?”
“ M-A-L-E P-R-E-G-…”
“I heard what you said, I’m neither deaf nor doddering.”
Severus bent down to read what Harry had on the computer screen. “Merlin.” He shook his head.
Harry turned to look at him again. “Can it really happen?”
Severus snorted. “I can’t believe you are asking me this. Potter, do you have anything you want to tell me? Surely after all this time, you do not need a lesson in the nature of fwoopers and billywigs.”
“If it’s anything like the birds and the bees, I’ll pass.”
“Then why are you asking me about such trivialities?”
“I just wondered if it was possible. I mean, we have potions that can make you into another person for a short period of time, potions to re-grow bones, enchanted objects that fly, track and do other phenomenal things. A spell that can kill without a mark. Why not a potion or a spell even, that can make men pregnant?”
Severus stared at him. “You are actually serious about this.”
Harry nodded. “Yes, I mean really, wouldn’t that be amazing? Hermione is always complaining about how bad the pregnancy was and yet she gets this look in her eyes when having another is mentioned. Like she‘d actually do it again and some women do! All the time. Look at Mrs. Weasley.”
Severus snorted. “I think that is what is called survival of the species or lack of common sense to use birth control, Potter. Think nothing more on it.” He turned to go and Harry stopped him once again.
“Bloody hell, Severus I’m serious about this. What if there was some way to ease the strain on women? To let the man experience the, from what Hermione tells me, absolute joy and wonderment that comes with the realization you are creating life, carrying on a family name and making what is essentially, a miracle. And women have been doing it for eons, according to their bible.”
Severus cleared his throat and looked back at Harry, sinking down to settle in an arm chair. “How very noble, Potter.”
Harry gave him a look and Severus held up a hand. “I am serious as well. However, let me clue you in to something about the supposedly fairer sex versus our own masculinity.”
Harry gave him another more sceptical look but nodded.
Severus crossed his leg over the other one and summoned a house elf. He needed tea for this. “Potter… Harry, women were designed for such things, men were not. Despite the superior strength the masculine form provides, we are just not equipped to handle things like this. Physically, mentally or emotionally.”
He stopped when the house elf returned and prepared them both a cup, then passed Harry’s to him. “Now before you go and play Slytherin’s advocate, let me finish. To quote some Muggle author, whom I cannot remember, men are the hunters and women are the nurturers.”
He sipped the dark brew and continued. “Now, women have been having children, long before any feminist decided they needed to level the Quidditch field, so to speak. So let’s debate on this for a moment. How would it be conceived? Where do you propose that a man, we’ll make you our example, would carry this supposed child? How would he get the necessary equipment to have this child once he had conceived? More importantly, how would we get it out of you?” His eyebrow arched elegantly as he looked at his companion.
Harry thought for a moment. He grimaced about the mechanics of it, recalling the little Biology he had had before coming to Hogwarts. He swallowed and crossed his legs as if to protect the bits under discussion.
“This is just supposition, right?”
Severus nodded.
Harry sighed and nodded as well. “I suppose one could create a potion to ‘grow’ the necessary equipment in the male body if one wished. Then you‘d proceed in the normal way. Sex obviously.” He looked at Severus for confirmation.
Severus shrugged. “I suppose that could be possible but if you think about it where exactly would you place it? Everything in the body is placed just so and it is a delicate balance. Women have the space and shall we say the necessary padding, to adapt their bodies to the change and allow it to go back to form with minor stretching. One misstep in a man could mean disaster. Even Miss. Granger understood this as early as twelve. Did she not inform you that one must have a bit of the person you wished to change into when using Polyjuice?”
Harry nodded, somewhat understanding where Severus was going with this. “Yeah, we used Crabbe and Goyle and what Hermione thought was Bulstrode’s hair.” He stopped. “Oh, I just realized. We had chosen the same sexes as well. You can’t use Polyjuice to become a woman if you are a man?”
“It isn’t advisable.” Severus shook his head. “There are limitations on magic as well as in the Muggle world. Most men don’t have any idea on how to conduct themselves as a woman therefore they lack the subtly to pull it off. Besides, don’t you think that would be unbearably painful to rearrange the organs in such a fashion to add something that will grow in considerable size and shape to an already close fitted space? Not to mention where you would need to place the exit?”
Harry grimaced again, squeezing his legs together. “Oh right.” He swallowed as he thought. “What about a C-section though?”
Severus made a face. “You want to cut into the distended abdomen, clearly not designed correctly to begin with, after rearranging this bloke’s body to remove what amounts to a parasite that has fed off of him for nine months? Sweet Merlin, where do they come up with this stuff. Muggles are sadists!”
“It happens to women all the time. Seamus‘ son was born that way!” Harry protested hotly.
“Once again, you are comparing apples to oranges. Similar in shape but totally exclusive on the insides.”
“Yeah, yeah alright but what about the other things I spoke of? The feelings of doing something great and rewarding with your life. Continuing on the family name…” Harry smirked at Severus. “ ‘The survival of the species.’ ”
“I think the Muggle equivalent to that is the afterglow after conception, nine months of Gryffindorish boasting, sheer and utter panic when the time arrives for the woman to deliver and then passing out cigars coloured to match the sex of the offspring.” Severus sipped his tea and picked up a biscuit, biting into the dark chocolate and smirking. “Then, at least the next seventeen years worth, filled with trying to have one’s finances stay afloat accommodating the needs of said offspring and trying to conceive again.”
Harry smirked. “Alright what about a genetic abnormality? I think Muggles call it hermaphrodites?”
Severus stared at him. “Interesting however, gonadal dysgenesis is a type of sexuality formerly known as ‘True Hermaphroditism. It occurs in about one percent of mammals including humans, but it is extremely rare for both sets of sexual organs to be functional; usually neither set is operational. In many cases, these anomalies are altered, sometimes only cosmetically, to resemble standard male or female anatomy shortly after birth.”
Harry raised an eyebrow at the text book answer. “So it’s been attempted?”
Severus sighed and closed his eyes as he sipped his tea and rubbed his temple. “There was supposition, at one time, that if it occurred in mammals then it could be applied to humans as well. In as much, more so for Wizards since it was believed that the Magic residing within us, makes Wizards a somewhat superior race. It was similar to the Pureblood thinking. However, it is not possible.”
He opened his eyes and looked at Harry, intrigued now at this line of debate. “The Magic is in the brain as well as the blood. Wizards use a larger percent of their electrochemical neuronal processes to be able to control the magic. It happens in Muggles as well sometimes, hence the Muggleborn. But most often somewhere in the ancestry line there was a Witch or Wizard. The other examples are the ones Muggles call psychics, telekinetics and persons of that nature. Not real Wizards or Witches but the brain trying to grow and change it‘s environs. The opposite is true for Squibs.”
Harry stared at him. “How do you know so much about this?”
Severus snorted. “As I said, Potter, Muggles are not the only inventors around and Wizards have been known to research and experiment. It is rather thrilling to think of oneself as god-like. All knowing and seeing, to have control of a bit of Mother Nature, seeming to tame her wildness and harness the knowledge for your own purposes.”
He stood and looked down at Harry. “It is an interesting and romantic theory, Harry, but not possible. Not yet anyway and most likely not in our lifetimes. The alternative to this is a surrogate parent or adoption.” He gave Harry a rare smile, reserved for when his lover had done something completely out of the ordinary and actually used his intelligence for something other than flitting across the sky.
“Now I have a potion to began again, I trust there will be no more interruptions of this nature.”
Harry eyed him speculatively. “You tried this yourself, didn’t you?” He narrowed his eyes at the tall man as if he could see the signs of experimentation on his partner.
Severus scoffed. “Perish the thought. I’m homosexual, that right there is the first clue as to not wanting to have children. Nor am I a woman, feeling the urge of a biological clock ticking away my youth and vibrancy.”
“Bastard.” Harry chuckled and shook his head. “You love to just ruin all my fun and dash my notions of seeing you with our child.”
Severus threw his head back and laughed. “Potter, I teach and therefore the children are all mine at some point, not that I actually wanted them in the first place. Secondly I have you cluttering up my chambers, what do I need a child for? You fit the bill quite nicely.”
He walked away as Harry laughed. “No child would ever do what I do to you alone in our bedroom.”
Severus stopped and turned looking back at his partner. “I know, why do you think there aren’t any other brats running through these rooms?”