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My most beloved Big Brother,
I turn 40 this year.
I’m still a virgin. Still waiting for you?
I remember our last conversation, over 20 years ago. It was the day you graduated from Ohtori Academy. I knew I would never see you again and I begged you, “Don’t leave me a witch.” I didn’t ask you not to leave me (I knew you would). I only asked you not to leave me bitter, angry, seething with resentment.
“What do you want from me, little sister?” You asked me mockingly.
“I want you to love me,” I told you. “To love me best, to love me only.”
“You know I can’t do that,” you said. “I have no love to offer. Love is curdled inside me. The man who adopted us saw to that.”
“Daddy?”
“You can still call him that? Well, I suppose you think well of him. After all, He never hurt you. I protected you, Nanami, when I was young and foolish. I put you above myself. There’s your love. That’s all I can give you.”
“It’s not enough,” I cried.
“Then I can give you what I give the others,” you said. There was laugher in your eyes, and tears. “Do you want to lie down underneath me, little sister of mine? Do you want my manhood inside me, your virgin blood spilt by me?”
I’d said no before. I said no again. I didn’t want what you had given all those others—Saionji, Akio, Utena, Miki, Kozoe, Keiko, so many more. I said no to sharing your bed because I wanted more of you than anyone else had ever had.
Was I wrong? Should I have accepted what you had to offer?
I will be 40 this year, still a virgin. I have become something of a witch. A permanent scowl is written on my brow, I rage at provocation, I am cruel. But wasn’t I always a vicious, always scowling, always empty wanting more.
“Love is curdled inside me,” you said. Daddy touched you and turned your heart sour. Why did my heart sour? Why did I become a hag when you protected me from the things that made you smooth and heartless?
You must have loved me once, as you say. I lost that love. Did loss of it make me what I am? Or did I become unlovable? Is it your fault or mine that I am who and what I am?
Love eternally,
Nanami