hpsauce (hpsauce) wrote in pervy_werewolf, @ 2009-05-17 23:21:00 |
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Entry tags: | #lmom 2009, author: hpsauce, kink: bad sex, remus/james, remus/sirius |
LMOM#17 - The Irreplaceable Professor Lupin (Pt1)
Title: The Irreplaceable Professor Lupin (Part One)
Author: hpsauce
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Remus/James, Remus/Sirius
Kink(s): bad sex, bisexuality
Challenge: Lusty Month of May 2009
Word count: 3884
Notes: gala asked for james & lily having problems and remus being the judge of whose fault it was. this turned out more like 'remus teaches people how to have sex' (as is probably clear from the title) - erm - it also became epically long, as this is only the first (slashier) half.
The moment Lily excused herself to use the bathroom, Remus knew what was coming. It was the reason he had been so against the couple coming to tea, the reason why he had begged Sirius not to buy an extra crate of butterbeer, the reason why he had tried his best to get sent on a mission for the weekend so he could be 'sad to miss' the get-together.
"Lily," James muttered to his forth bottle of butterbeer, "She's-. The thing about Lily is- Lily is-."
"Spit it out, Prongs," Sirius mumbled. The hand that slipped across onto Remus' knee the only suggestion that he understood how uncomfortable Remus was with this.
"The thing about Lily is," James said slowly, frowning, "is that she's frigid."
Sirius snorted into his own bottle, a smirk twisting his lips.
"Well," he said, "she did a good job of hiding that."
"What's that meant to mean?" James asked, sounding as if he had forgotten completely about the fact that Sirius was as queer as a muggle pound. He set his bottle down with a thump and Remus launched himself out of Sirius' grasp as he dived to save his new book from the stream of butterbeer.
"That time with Macmillan," Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows, "you know."
"My girlfriend is not a lesbian," James said haughtily, "if that is what you're trying to imply."
Remus wondered when Lily's brief fling with Alice Macmillan (soon to be Mrs Longbottom) had become a sore point for James. He could remember quite clearly how James had stared, mouth agape, whenever they kissed.
"I'm not implying anything," Sirius said, "I'm just stating a fact."
James snorted and lifted his bottle, seemingly surprised by the sudden disappearance of half of his drink. He glared over the rim at Peter.
"Did you talk to her about it?" Peter asked.
"And say what?" James asked, "she'll kill me."
"Unlikely," Sirius said, "probably just leave you for Macmillan."
James growled and Remus pushed Sirius' shoulder back towards the sofa, not keen to start a wrestling match on the new coffee table.
"Wormtail's right," he said, "you should talk about it."
"Talk about what?" Lily asked, walking back into the living room. Her face had not gone red with rage, so it was likely she hadn't heard any of the conversation.
Remus opened his mouth, ready to end this ridiculous charade forever. James stamped down on his foot, causing Remus' words to become nothing but a strangled yelp. Sirius' hand returned to his thigh, squeezing as he glared at James.
Conversation was just returning to the slightly more intellectual level that Remus favoured when James stood up. Remus looked up at him with an expression which suggested he was about to face execution or something equally unpleasant.
"I," James said, speaking with the air of someone with an important announcement to make, "am going to take a piss."
There was silence as he left the room. The bathroom door slammed closed above their heads and Remus squeezed his eyes closed. Maybe if he thought about it really hard, Lily might be quiet.
"If someone had warned me back in seventh year that he was-," Lily began. She was cut off by a loud sigh from Remus. Sirius' arm slipped around his shoulders, pulling him closer.
"Talk to him," Peter said, his tone suggesting that even he, always pleased to be someone's shoulder to cry on, was sick and tired of hearing about their problems.
"I can't-," Lily said, "it would crush him."
"For Merlin's sake," Remus said, losing his (already rather shaky) hold on his temper, "tell him or, for Morgana's sake, I will tell him myself."
"Moony," Sirius said in warning. The hand resting on Remus thigh squeezed a little harder than usual. The hand on his shoulder patted softly. Remus sighed.
"It's quiet in here," James said, walking into the room, "can't keep up a conversation without me?"
He sat down next to Lily and looked around at his friends. The silence was deafening, the air was heavy with words unsaid.
"Talk about it," Remus muttered, trying to say it under his breath. He had had several bottles of butterbeer, though, so it came out a little louder than he had expected. Sirius drew in a breath beside him.
"About what?" James asked, glaring at him. He knew exactly what he was referring to. How could he not?
"I've been faking it," Lily said quietly.
"Faking what?" James asked.
"My o-," Lily began but James cut her off.
"Then you're an awful actress," James said.
"Can we not do this in front of-?" Lily says, looking at Sirius and Peter before her eyes settle on Remus. He looks away, focusing on his bottle.
"They already know," James said.
"Do you tell them everything?" Lily asked angrily. She stood, drawing to attention that while wearing heels she was the same height as her boyfriend. James scowled, his eyes hard.
"Would you like some cake?" Remus asked, standing up. Sirius' hand reached out automatically and grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to the couch. It was too late. They had both turned towards him.
"I made a sponge cake," he said weakly. It was not something he would normally admit to. Sirius had always teased him about being poofy when he baked. His masculine pride seemed a small price to pay for an escape from the room.
"Did he tell you that he's queer?" Lily asked, as if she was discussing something much more run of the mill than her boyfriends supposed sexuality.
"I am not!" James spat indignantly, going so red that Remus was surprised there was not steam shooting from his ears.
"It's true," Lily said with a cruel smirk, "can't get over his obsession with arses."
"I just want to-," James muttered and looked down, his mouth worked soundlessly, "I just-."
Lily smiled triumphantly and sat back down. He took a delicate sip from her own butterbeer, as if nothing had happened.
"Maybe," James announced, puffing up his chest, "it's because you're a lesbian."
"I like men just fine," Lily said, "it's not my fault you're not much of a man."
"Lily!" Peter said in warning, but James had already gone redder than Remus thought possible, his fists were white from clenching, Remus was sure he could see his ego throbbing in pain.
"Can we stop this?" Remus asked desperately.
"Yeah," Sirius said, patting his knee gently, "Moony's right. This is meant to be a happy occasion. Sit down and try and enjoy yourselves."
"I will," James said tightly, "if she takes it back."
"I will," Lily said, equally stiffly, "I'm sure you like girls just fine, Potter. You just have no idea how to-."
"Ihave no idea!" James roared.
Remus sighed and buried his head into Sirius' neck. He knew James sometimes got odd about their intimacy, but it was unlikely he'd even notice. He sighed.
"What you need," Sirius said, "is a judge."
"A judge?" Peter asked.
"A judge?" Lily echoed, looking confused.
Only James seemed to understand what Sirius was getting at. It was never a good sign when those two started using telepathy. They looked at each other for a moment, a whole world of significance in their gaze, before Sirius coughed.
"A judge," he said, "to decide whose fault it is."
"Well," Lily said, "it's obvious."
James coughed angrily. He finally sat down, keeping as much distance between himself and Lily as was possible on a small, heavily-padded loveseat.
"They'd have to be experienced," Sirius said slowly, "and someone you both wouldn't be opposed to shagging."
James and Lily both looked confused. They were now eyeing each other with some mixture of confusion and calculation.
"Someone who has slept with enough boys and girls to be considered an expert in both," Sirius said, "and someone dignified and reliable enough not to go blurting out the results to everyone."
Remus looked down at the bottle in his hands, wishing Sirius would just get to the point already. His melodramatic announcements might be adorable most of the time, but they could be annoying as hell when you wanted to get to the good bit.
"It would have to be one of us."
Remus looked up in confusion.
He looked at Peter. Sweet, innocent Peter had only had the one girlfriend. He could barely look at Sirius and Remus when they kissed. It was unlikely he had ever been with a man.
He turned to his other side and looked into Sirius' expectant grey gaze. Remus had, surprisingly, been Sirius' first. He was most assuredly bent as a three galleon coin. He looked close to tears the time Greta Catchlove had shoved her hands down his pants.
It was then that reality hit Remus. He looked up into the eyes of his friends. Lily and James were both smiling awkwardly, their eyes fixed on him.
"No." Remus said.
"Not even to save their marriage?" Sirius asked.
"They're not married," Remus said, "and no."
"Not even to prove that-," Sirius began.
"No," Remus repeated, "I won't do it. I have morals, Sirius. I have rules. You're meant to be my lover, not my pimp."
"For me?" Sirius said.
He tried to forget that he had promised Sirius anything last week, although he wasn't sure if promises made in the throes of passion really meant anything. He tried to forget that Sirius was quite happy to go without sex for days if he had a point to prove.
Remus swallowed, willing himself not to look up into those puppy-dog eyes.