Entry tags:

#lmom 2008, author: snapelike, kink: legilimency sex, remus/dolohov, remus/severus

LMoM: The Diary of a Death Eater Whore, Part 25 (SS/RL)
Title: The Diary of a Death Eater Whore 25/31
Rating (this chapter): NC-17
Pairing, all-over: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Additional pairings, this chapter: Briefly mentioned Remus/Dolohov
Kink(s): Legilimency-sex
Challenge: LMoM 2008
Word count: 2,600
Link to all chapters: here.
Notes: Beta by the lovely envinyatar15 and wonderful red_day_dawning.
Summary: Severus Snape returns to a post-war wizarding world without the Dark Lord. No matter the Dark Lord died, his followers still won the battle and the power to rule. In this new world, former Order members are forced to get by as best they can - those who haven't escaped - even if the occupation is not to their liking. Some have even become quite successful and sought after - like the infamous Remus Lupin. The question is: will this new world order make it impossible for love to develop and grow between two such different wizards as a Death Eater spy and a paid man, a werewolf whore?

Back to chapter 24

Sunday, 25th May, 2008 - Broken

When Severus woke up, Remus' place beside him in the huge bed was empty. The clock on the bedside table told Severus he shouldn't be awake either. It was Sunday, and there was no valid reason for being awake at 6 o'clock. The curtain kept out the daylight. Severus took his wand and made them open a bit. He had a view to a grey sky and raindrops slowly trickling down the window. Lovely day, one that fitted Severus' mood well.

He pulled the duvet aside and got out of bed. He sat for a little, digging his toes into the soft, dark blue carpet, before he stretched and grabbed his robe from the pouffe standing at the end of the bed. Severus had an impending feeling of doom, as if the day would be as bleak as the weather. Remus' absence in the bed and in his arms told Severus that something was wrong. He wanted to go back to bed, sleep, and wake up to discover Remus was back. But it probably wouldn't happen.

There was no way around it. Again, fate had decided to fuck with Severus Snape, and the only way to deal with it was to face whatever was in store for him.

Severus found Remus in the living room, cuddled up under a woollen blanket. 'You're up early,' he said quietly. 'Couldn't sleep?'

'No.' Remus shook his head. 'I shouldn't have let myself be dragged into playing political games. I've avoided it, since my opinion is of no importance anyway, just like my person and my body.' Remus rubbed his face with one hand. 'I should just have been content with what I had, not reaching for something I can't have no matter what I do, or how hard I try.'

'What is that supposed to mean?' Severus walked around the coffee table and sat down at the other end of the sofa. 'You did what you had to, yesterday.'

'I didn't have to. If I had just realised that there are things I can never have... love, freedom, integrity... I would never have ended up in a situation like the one with Rodolphus.'

'Love?' Severus let his eyes slide searchingly over Remus' face. Remus looked away. So that was it? That was what Remus meant? 'You regret having fallen in love?' Severus could hear the emptiness in his own voice. 'You regret... us.'

Remus' expression held the same emptiness. 'I cannot do this any longer, Severus. It is dangerous. To me, to you, to Oliver.' Pulling the blanket closer, Remus was almost curling around himself, as if to protect himself from the pain. 'I begged you not to fall in love with me. I wanted uncomplicated, and... now I have... this.'

Severus knew what Remus meant. Their relationship was anything but easy. Jealousy, difference in standing, in political opinions. What should have been an easy fuck and occasional care for the other had ended up in something deep and difficult. Severus had never been one to back down when things got uncomfortable. 'Are you trying to say what I think you are saying?' Severus asked, not really knowing what to do if... If Remus was breaking up. It felt unreal. On one hand they had this devouring, burning love for each other, and on the other hand they had all the prejudice and politics that could ruin it. That had already done so, it seemed.

'My life was easy before. I fucked, I was paid, and I got by. I managed not to long for the unobtainable. I had Oliver to comfort me when things got rough.' Remus looked up, looking Severus in the eye for the first time. 'We fight, we are never going to be equals. I am never going to be free, and you are never...' Remus' voice broke and he hid his face in his hands. 'It is too hard to love so much,' Remus whispered. 'Without hope.'

'Remus... please... Remus?' Severus reached out and stroked Remus' cheek. 'Please, look at me.' Severus wanted to find the words that could convince Remus but he, too, knew Remus was right. The situation they were in would rip them apart sooner or later, and ruin what had grown between them. Love couldn't conquer all, Severus knew that already. Unfortunately, he also knew that when he had fallen in love, he didn't fall out of love, just like that. Last time it had happened, he had prioritised his opinions higher than his feelings. Maybe he shouldn't let it happen again? 'Remus!' Severus' voice was demanding. 'Look at me if you really want to stop this. At least show me respect and give me that.'

'I don't want to.' Remus' voice was low. 'We are going to hurt each other too deeply.'

'You could come with me; start somewhere new. Go to France, or Bulgaria with me.' Severus realised that he didn't want to leave the wizarding world. He wanted to stay and make it a better place. But if he could have Remus... he would go anywhere. 'Ted... he could too.'

'Ted belongs here. Or what I have done loses its meaning.' Remus seemed to avoid replying to Severus' suggestion.

'Are you listening at all, wolf? I am willing to give up everything I have and want, for you. Have you in any way gone insane over night, or are you just trying to avoid understanding that I don't love you just for the fun of it? You are not my toy. Don't you understand I want you to be with me?'

'And that is the problem. I can never fully be with you, no matter how deeply I love you. It makes it worse, Severus.' Remus made a weak sob, as if he had given up entirely. 'I love you, and I still have to let other wizards take me, do what they like with my body. Yesterday was just a small taste of it. Rodolphus is going to use Oliver and me, now that he knows we are cared for by his enemies. His faction is small, but he has strong wizards with him, too many. It is dangerous for you and Lucius, too. And every day I have to see the expression of jealousy and anger and sadness on your face, knowing I hurt you and I am not allowed to stop. In a few hours I have to go downstairs and serve Dolohov and his need for blood, thinking of nothing else than I have hurt you again, knowing Dolohov will make it worse to satisfy Rodolphus. It is the only way I can end it, Severus. Not having you at all.'

'And again you are willing to let others decide whom you are to be with? Like with Tonks? If you'll let me think for a while, I might find someone more pathetically weak than you.' Severus glared at his lover. 'But I doubt it.' He felt cold and dead inside. If he couldn't convince Remus to reconsider their relationship he didn't know what to do. It had been a long time since Severus had felt this lost. 'What if you, for once, stayed and fought for what you wanted?'

'It will be better this way. You won't be weighed down by your attachment to a traitor.'

'There is no one who can weigh me down, Remus Lupin. Only Lucius is above me in rank, and he is not going to try, because he loves me, and I am a stronger wizard than he. Don't you understand that yesterday's events mean he had to decide whose side he is on too? What you saw yesterday, was our world changing. If you have ever had any stamina and strength, now is the time to use it, because things will change. Just as Oliver and Rabastan showed Lucius whose side they chose - the same side you and I are on. Rodolphus and his minions... they are going to try to take over and make this world more to our deceased Dark Lord's liking, but we won't allow them. Fenrir is dead. Macnair and Dolohov... Yaxley... they are going down.'

Remus seemed confused. He let go of the blanket he had been holding on to for comfort. 'I don't want war. I just want to live.'

'It is too late. There will be a war. Maybe not a full-fledged one. Maybe no one will even notice, because Death Eaters fighting amongst themselves can do so quietly.' Severus took Remus' hand. 'If I am going to survive this, I need you. I need your support and your love. I agree we rushed into this odd relationship, headlessly, without realising the result could be other than what we thought it would be. Maybe we could have stopped it then, in the beginning.' Severus entangled his fingers with Remus', softly brushing his thumb over Remus' hand. 'It is too late for me now. I am so in love with you that nothing else matters. I will go wherever you want to go. I'll do anything I can to free you of slavery and give you the life in freedom you want. But I will not back down and let you go, knowing you love me like I love you. Never, Remus Lupin.'

'You aren't going to give me a choice either.' Remus moved his fingers, it felt like a caress, but Severus wasn't sure it was supposed to be. 'You just want to push me into something I can't do.'

'If I thought for one second you didn't want me, I would let go. If you could look me in the eye and tell me you do not love me then I would leave.' Severus cocked his head. 'Tell me that, if you can, and you'll be free of me.'

Remus sighed and closed his fingers around Severus' hand. 'I'm not a liar.'

'I didn't think so,' Severus said and kissed Remus Lupin in a way that left no doubt how loved he was.

Remus gave in to Severus' kiss, knowing he had lost. The defeat was not a bitter one, though. Severus was right. They had let lust and the need for the care of another person pull them into this, but their feelings were true and strong. Strong enough to fight for and to endure the problems they would cause. Severus wouldn't stop being jealous and Remus wouldn't stop feeling inferior. Perhaps that was what they needed to learn, instead of thinking love would conquer all. It wouldn't. But it would feel good nevertheless, because they would fight together and not with each other. Maybe that was the key?

Pushing a hand inside Severus' robe, Remus left any coherent thoughts. He had Severus' warm skin just there, and Severus' wet, sweet lips to kiss. For now, that was what mattered. The sky-blue woollen blanket slid down on the floor, as Severus' body covered his. Remus looked up into Severus' black eyes, so sad and serious. 'You better put up a good fight, Severus,' Remus murmured against his lover's lips. 'I don't want to be a prisoner for the rest of my life with you.'

'Trust me, you won't be. Rodolphus is the main reason Lucius' political standing is as radically pure-blood as it is. And Rodolphus... he'll take that one wrong step, and I'll be there to push him over the edge. I know him, Remus. There was a time he was my friend. Now I'll use that knowledge to overturn him.'

'I do trust you.' Remus pulled Severus down in another deep kiss, again forgetting about their problems.

For a while they kissed, blindly getting rid of robes and blankets and pillows. Remus pulled a leg up, resting it over the back of the sofa, the other leg he hooked over Severus' naked back.' Mmm,' he groaned. 'Yes.' He wanted Severus, not just because he thought he had lost him, but because every fibre in him needed him. Someone murmured a spell, and in between their moving together and their kisses, Severus pushed inside him. It was so good to feel Severus there. 'I'm an idiot,' Remus said and moved, opening up to Severus. 'I want you so much.'

'Shut up,' Severus whispered with his lips on Remus' jaw. He licked down the long, beautiful line of neck, leaving an occasional bite, making Remus growl and moan. He sucked the skin, leaving marks Remus would carry with him for days, or so it felt. It didn't matter. His clients would see that Severus had marked him; that Remus belonged to someone, not because he was bought or sold, but because he wanted it so. Remus raked his nails down Severus' back, sure to leave his marks, too.

A warm hand on his cock made Remus unable to do anything but enjoy what Severus did to him. In the tightness between their bodies, pleasure built. Remus made a low, soft sound, almost whimpering. He needed to let go. Like Severus, he had to leave old fears and hurts to be able to go on. He could not be a passive spectator to his own destiny. He gave in to Severus' caresses, able to enjoy being entered. Severus took him slowly, letting him feel every little movement, and Remus knew why Severus had liked it so much, the slow fucking. It was more intense than anything, and so intimate. Again, he kissed his lover, this time moaning deeply into the warm cave of his mouth.

'Look at me,' Severus demanded. 'Show me you love me.'

'How...' Remus asked, the question disappearing in a moan. 'Yes.'

'Enter me,' Severus said, and opened his mind, letting Remus fall into the burning fire that was Severus' love for him. Devotion had never looked more beautiful.

Words weren't necessary, because Remus added his love to Severus' as they with bodies and minds finally melted into each other in a way they had never realised was possible.

Severus cried out his orgasm first, his dark eyes locked with Remus' golden ones. Remus was unable to keep the wolf out, and memories of moonlit nights and running paws in the darkness - the wilderness of wolf thoughts - mingled with thoughts of love and devotion, making Severus startle even before he had finished.

'Pack, mate. Lover,' Remus groaned and came in Severus' hand, trying - mediocre Legilimens as he was - to show Severus what it meant, how deep the wolf's need went, and how they echoed his own feelings.

'You are never going to leave me,' Severus whispered, softly kissing Remus' sweaty cheek. 'That is what I saw.'

'We are going to win this,' Remus said. 'I know now. You are too possessive to ever let another man have me.'

'Very true.' Severus kissed his lover softly. 'And we both know how dangerous werewolves are. We cannot go against such a deep-felt wish from a Dark Creature.'

Remus laughed, knowing all the tension from their fight had gone. 'As long as you are not running around on all fours, trying to please it, I'm fine.'

'I'll run around, all right. But only to please you, Remus. Only to please you.'

On to chapter 26