LMoM: The Diary of a Death Eater Whore, Part 17 (SS/RL) Title: The Diary of a Death Eater Whore 17/31 Rating (this chapter): R Pairing, all-over: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape Additional pairings, this chapter: Remus/Gregory Goyle Kink(s): vanilla and a bit of D/s if you squint Challenge: LMoM 2008 Word count: 3,600 Link to all chapters: here. Notes: Beta by the lovely envinyatar15 and wonderful red_day_dawning. Summary: Severus Snape returns to a post-war wizarding world without the Dark Lord. No matter the Dark Lord died, his followers still won the battle and the power to rule. In this new world, former Order members are forced to get by as best they can - those who haven't escaped - even if the occupation is not to their liking. Some have even become quite successful and sought after - like the infamous Remus Lupin. The question is: will this new world order make it impossible for love to develop and grow between two such different wizards as a Death Eater spy and a paid man, a werewolf whore?
"How all the other passions fleet to air, as doubtful thoughts and rash embraced despair and shuddering fear and green-eyed jealousy!"
~Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice
A bee buzzed by, maybe on its way from one blooming flower to the next. The air was heavy with the scents of late spring and the approaching summer. Above them, the trees almost shone with fresh leaves and fading sunlight, light and shadow playing on Remus' skin, making lace-like patterns. Severus' finger traced the outline of a leaf-like shadow; one arm around Remus' waist, the other caressing his face. They sat, leaning against a tree, Remus with his head against Severus' shoulder, his eyes closed in pleasure. His skin felt as soft as the spring breeze.
'Did you really mean it?' Remus asked for the tenth time that evening. 'Not that I'm slow, I just like to hear you say it.' He sighed happily, enjoying that they had time to enjoy each others' company, since Severus wasn't going to the Ministry today. Remus' client would arrive late, and they had the whole day to just be together.
'No, Lupin, I just told you by accident, and I didn't mean a word. Are you daft, or just slow on the uptake?' Behind Remus' back, Severus rolled his eyes. This should teach him to watch his mouth and heart. However, Severus found it endearing that Remus wanted him to say it - even for the tenth time, and no matter if it made Severus insecure. Mostly, he was afraid. It had made them unequal. Remus didn't seem to have similar feelings.
'Now I know, my Severus. How could I ever think it would be easy to make you admit it?' Remus turned and kissed Severus' cheek.
'Which time are we talking about now? You are becoming obnoxious, Lupin.'
'Just one more time.' Remus looked up and sent Severus an innocent look that could have made a six weeks old Cocker spaniel look jaded and calculating. 'No one has told me since... since...' Since Dora. It wasn't the same. Dora had been infatuated, and Remus had been pressured. It had been nothing like this. Nothing like he felt for Severus. 'I promise not to make you say it again.'
'This hour, or today? Or may I hope it would last forever? So I can stop making a fool of myself?' Severus had given up. He had told the whole effing Ministry. He had told Lucius. It didn't matter that Remus knew, because Severus was already in a state where the bloody wolf could hurt him so easily.
'You think it is foolish?' Remus sounded hurt. 'What we're doing?'
'It is probably the most idiotic thing I've done in my life, apart from getting a tasteless tattoo when I was eighteen. Although "stupid" does not indicate I'd rather not have fallen in love.' Severus combed a hand through Remus' hair, pulling it slightly to get his lover to look at him. 'I really do love you, Remus,' he said, softly spoken words barely audible.
Remus let out a deep, happy sigh that made it worth it - making a fool of oneself. 'You make me happy.' Remus reached for his lover's hand. 'This is so not what I counted on,' Remus said, cuddling up in Severus' lap, just like an over-sized puppy. 'Just a little true pleasure for us both, and nothing, or no deeper feelings but care that could disturb my life, since somebody else has been kind enough to plan it for me.' Remus looked up and sent Severus a soft smile. 'You really aren't good with rules, Severus.'
'I know. Things have moved so fast since my return. But I make the rules now. That's all I need to know. I'll be sure to make them better than the old ones. Not that I plan to play by those, if it doesn't suit me.'
Remus laughed. 'Of course I didn't plan to be the Headmaster of Hogwarts's lover, either. And see where that went.'
'Our lives are doomed,' Severus said, unable to be in a bad mood. He was well-shagged, in love, and he finally had the power he had been fighting to get all his life. Life didn't get much better than this. Especially if one forgot the fact that Severus - again - was in the middle of a secret conspiracy to overturn the wizarding world.
They sat for some time, enjoying the lovely spring morning, just getting to know each other better, exchanging small tit-bits of information; little pieces of confidence and care, some utterly meaningless; others, more significant. They both discovered they really liked each other when all the old conflicts were forgotten. That had been one positive thing about Remus' situation: it simply made what had happened in their youth utterly trivial. There were other, more important things to work through. What James and Sirius had done would probably rear its ugly head sooner or later, but it would be dealt with, as any other problem.
Severus realised he had changed. He was still Severus Snape, but an older one, both in age and maturity.
His increased maturity, however, didn't cover the fact that his lover had to go back to the house to take someone else to bed. Severus was jealous, he could feel the feeling flare and burn as they, hand in hand, left the small park across Remus' residence.
'Who is it?' Severus asked, pushing the jealousy down. He couldn't let Remus see what it did to him.
'Greg,' Remus said. 'Not unpleasant. If you must know.'
'Greg? As in Gregory? Goyle?'
'Mhmm,' Remus said as he opened the heavy green-painted front door. 'Lucius sent him here, as a thank you for standing with Draco in the last battle.'
'He was what? Twenty two?' Severus looked surprised. The Goyles were an old family, but not powerful.
'Yeah, and very much a virgin. So I had the pleasure of teaching him how to be a considerate lover.' Remus rubbed a hand over Severus' back. He could feel how tense Severus was, and the tinge of something acrid in his sweat. It was practical to have the wolf inside at times. Severus was blatantly jealous. 'If you don't want to know, Severus, don't ask. It might be wiser not to, especially when it comes to Greg.'
'And why is that?' Severus closed the door behind them, none too gently.
'Because I truly like him. He's not very bright, but he is just as soft as he's large, when he doesn't have to impress anyone. He has never asked me to do anything I didn't like, and... he's been coming here for five years. We talk, go to bed, just... nothing to it. He doesn't demand I am reciting poetry or want me to fuck him standing on my head tied up in pink ribbons. It's just... uncomplicated. Nice. I think he might be the only one who cares about me, truly cares, of all my clients, apart from Nott.' Remus had never loved Greg, or even come close, but it was true what he told Severus. He cared about Greg, maybe a bit too much. But the young, inexperienced, insecure man who'd come to him, trusted him to teach him... Remus simply felt comfortable in Gregory Goyle's company because the demands were few and Greg paid back by caring, too.
Severus barely bit back a very nasty reply. 'I see,' he said. He reminded himself that this was what Remus did. He had to learn to live with it, since there was no way around it. Not until they had found a way out. 'I'd like to watch you,' he said, deciding that knowledge was better than trying to keep reality at bay. 'If you'll allow me to.'
'If you think it is a good idea, I won't stop you.' Remus pulled Severus into his arms, almost being rough. 'Just remember I am with you, Severus. I want to be with you, and if I were free, I'd never again touch Greg or any of the other men who come to me.' Remus looked up at Severus, honesty evident in his expression. 'I am doing this because I have to. Even Greg and Nott... There is no comparison. They rent my body for a day... I give you what they can never buy. The moment I am free, there will only be you for me. Only you, Severus. Can't you accept that? For both our sakes?' It was important to Remus, because it made it harder to work because of Severus' pain.
'I'll try. I know, Remus... It's not your fault.'
Remus kissed his lover softly. 'Thank you.' He sighed. 'I better go prepare.'
'Greg? Something wrong?' Remus greeted his somewhat flustered client with a hug. He almost disappeared in Gregory's embrace.
'I... I wondered if you could... I...' Goyle looked lost and let go of Remus.
'Pansy threw you out again?'
'Yeah.' Goyle rubbed his face, then let the hand fall, as if he gave up. 'She's still angry I'm not Draco.'
'As long as you are not angry you aren't he.' Remus put a comforting arm around Gregory's shoulder. 'I don't mind that you come here. You know that.'
'Thanks, Moony.' Gregory smiled a smile that made his face change. He wasn't pretty, but his smile was sweet. 'I think it will be a good idea if I don't go home right away.' He let out a small laughter. 'I think I better wait until the house-elf has repaired things.' Gregory seemed to shrink a bit, not that it meant much. Remus still had to look up to look him in the eye. Greg let out a small whimpering sound. 'I am glad I'm not Draco. If only Pansy would let me be glad about it too. But she usually reminds me I am a big thuggish dolt. She's right, of course.'
'Won't you sit? Or maybe you'd like something else?' Remus really wanted to be out of there, upstairs, with Severus, but Greg didn't have an easy life, not with Pansy nagging at him and the children all hours of the day. He could do this for Greg.
'I'd like to. We don't have to...' Greg managed to look like a kicked puppy. 'Could we just cuddle? You'd do better just...'
'Anything you like.' Remus stepped aside, letting go of Greg's shoulder. He just reached down and took the young man's hand; a limb the size of a dinner plate. He led him to the sofa and sat down with him. 'Just relax. She just needs to rage a little. She'll be nice when you return.' Remus leaned in and pressed his lips to Goyle's, kissing him softly. 'She always wants you back.'
'I know.' Gregory wrapped an arm around Remus' back and leaned forward to catch Remus' mouth. The kiss was soft and slow and deep. They both sighed at the same time.
'If nothing else, you certainly know how to kiss,' Remus whispered and took Greg's mouth in possession once more.
'I know,' Gregory said again. 'Because you taught me.'
'My pleasure,' Remus said and caressed Goyle's lip with a finger. 'I often think I did myself a service by doing so.'
In the secret room, Severus stood, fists closed hard, watching his lover kiss another man. It made him more than jealous. It made him furious! Hadn't Lupin sodding sworn he would not kiss other men? That he never kissed his clients? Severus repressed an urge to confront Remus, there and then. Maybe it had all been lies? Lupin never wanted him. Lupin... Lupin didn't feel the same as Severus did, that was clear. He hadn't said anything that could be interpreted as such, just that he was glad Severus loved him.
And now he was proven a fool. A big, bloody fool. Was Remus Lupin really that devious? To make Severus love him; using any trick in the book to make Severus fall? He had the power to free Remus, and maybe that was all it was? Freedom for himself and Oliver...
Severus closed his eyes for a moment. The pain he felt was so immense. It was his destiny to love and then to be cut down by the betrayal of the one he loved. Oh, Salazar. Never again. He decided to stay and watch his... Lupin. To watch how betrayal was played out, just in front of him.
'You are a very good kisser,' Greg said, slightly breathless. 'At least that's one thing Pansy doesn't complain about.' He cocked his head and looked down at Remus, pausing as if he wanted to say something.
'Yes, Greg?' Remus smiled encouragingly. They knew each other rather well, and Gregory was easy to read.
'They say you have found a lover.'
Remus' smile flashed, wide and happy. 'I have. I'm... You know him.' Remus couldn't hold back his joy. He had of course spoken with Oliver about Severus, but he was so happy, it felt like the happiness was overflowing. Greg would understand.
'Professor Snape.' Greg seemed to forget his sadness and his own troubled marriage. 'I always found him... you know how stern he can look, and with those billowing cloaks and the silken voice...' Greg suddenly put a hand over his mouth. 'Sorry about that. I didn't mean to...'
'You too? What is it with you all? Honestly, it seems as if the man could have got laid by at least half of Hogwarts.'
'He's just so... commanding. It's hot.' Greg grinned. 'Maybe that's why I married Pansy. She's like that too.'
Remus just coughed. If they only knew how lovely Severus looked when he was crawling on the floor, or begging for Remus' cock, or moaning and crying under his hard lashes... 'He is,' Remus said. 'And I'm... It has been a long time since my life was this good.'
'I'm glad, Remus.' Greg leaned in and pressed a kiss to Remus' mouth. 'I suppose this is our last time, then? Maybe we could... I'd like to...'
'I am still here. The Ministry won't let me go.' Remus didn't mind that Greg knew. He'd figure it out anyway, in a day or two.
'You are.' Greg's voice was soft. 'But I won't be. It is enough that I have to listen to Pansy moaning Draco's name in the throes of passion. I don't have any illusions that you... I know you like me, but that's it. I won't be in bed with yet another person who'd rather be with someone else.'
'Oh, Greg,' Remus said, tenderly. 'Pansy certainly doesn't know what she's saying when she calls you a dork.' Remus stroked Greg's cheek tenderly. 'You don't have to do this. I still have other clients, and I'd rather have you than any of them. Who knows what the Minster would send me in your stead?' Yes, his job would be both easier and harder if he had clients like Nott and Greg and Adrian.
'If you don't care about losing the money, I'll just stay away... keep my day. Not use it.'
'Are you aware how much I'll owe you for this?' Remus was so grateful. Another day with no clients... more time to live, to be with the man he wanted...
'Yes. I am very aware.' Greg's smile was wicked. 'You're the Minister's adviser's lover. Your debt to me can very well be worth a lot.'
'Slytherin to the bone?' Remus couldn't hold back his laughter. 'Oh, Greg, I'm going to miss you.'
'No you aren't. And if you really were going to, what could stop us from visiting each other... I do consider you my friend, despite the circumstances.' Greg looked more insecure now, as if he had suggested something indecent.
'I'd like that. Friends. I think I might need all the friends I can get.' Remus sent Greg a soothing smile, as if to tell him that it was all right; that Remus truly liked him.
'Thanks.' Greg's smile reached his blue eyes and made them glitter. 'If this is... the last time... could we... make love? Not just...fuck?'
Remus didn't give the "whatever you like", he usually treated his customers with. 'I'd like to make love to you, too.' Remus never spoke of feelings or needs with clients, but now... with Greg's offer... 'I always liked you. From when you came to me the first time, and let me... educate you. You have never made me feel cheap or worthless.' Remus leaned in and kissed Greg lovingly. 'I'll make love to you, because you deserve that.' Remus wanted to treat Greg with a tiny bit of himself, a taste of what he had decided to fully offer Severus. This one time, he wanted to act unprofessionally.
Severus was almost blinded by rage. He was so angry he could do nothing but stand still, because he was certain he would hurt himself himself or others if he did anything but stand still and try to breathe through the pain that had overtaken his heart. He stood there while Remus undressed Greg, when he slowly kissed him and licked him, clearly enjoying Greg's equipment that seemed to follow the size of the rest of his body. He stood there when Remus slid his cock into Greg's arse, taking him from behind, his arms around the larger man. Severus watched as pleasure overtook the two men; it was so evidently clear how they both enjoyed it. The tenderness in Remus' eyes, directed at Gregory Goyle felt like a thousand needles; like nails and spikes hammered in his mind. If Severus had ever thought he knew what pain was, he was wrong. Gods, he was wrong.
If he could drop dead on the spot, it would be a relief compared to enduring what was going on just out there, a few feet away.
His jealousy was so powerful that Severus had forgotten entirely that Remus knew he was standing there, watching, counting on him to understand.
Severus watched them as they stroked and kissed and came: together, as if they had done this so many times, as if they knew each other so well. Severus just wanted to leave and never come back. This was what one got from love: handing somebody else the ability to hurt so deeply the wound would never heal.
In the large bed, Remus was able to speak. It had been more than good - it had been marvellous. 'Thank you,' he said. 'I am grateful I have this to remember.'
'Me too,' Greg said. 'I have to have something. This will outshine any of Pansy's temper tantrums for some time.' Greg kissed Remus softly. 'Thank you.'
'You could leave her, you know? Maybe you could find happiness...' Remus' thoughts suddenly revolved around a certain Headmaster.
'I know,' Greg said. 'I might. When I look at you, just now, I envy you what you have. It is so clear you are thinking of him.'
'Yeah,' Remus said, sending Greg a giddy smile. 'I am.'
'You really love him.' It wasn't a question.
Remus replied anyway, looking up at the mirror he knew Severus was hidden behind. 'Yes. I do. I love him as I have never loved anyone in my whole life, and I doubt I will ever stop.'
'I better go.' Greg stood. 'So you can go back to your love. Thanks for everything, Remus.'
Behind the mirror, Severus stood, now even doubting his ability to breathe. Remus loved him? But... love? Hadn't Remus said he wouldn't...
It took some time before Severus was able to move. His feelings were so mixed up, so mingled he couldn't tell one from the other. He was so confused and angry and scared and bloody in love. He had to do something... to get some kind of outlet to be able to think again.
There was only one way. He waited until Goyle had left. The midnight bell struck, as if to add a mood of impending doom. Severus ripped the door open, strode into Remus' office, not caring that Remus lay sweaty, and with another man's sweat and semen on his body. Remus looked up, surprised.
'Severus? Wha-'
Remus was brutally dragged out of bed by the hair, Severus' hand buried in it, A hard hand closed around Remus' wrist and his arm was twisted quite painfully behind his back as Severus pulled Remus to the bathroom.
'You are mine,' Severus growled, so ferociously that Remus could feel the wolf shrink back - some feat a few days before full moon. 'Mine, Remus! Do you understand that?'
Before Remus could reply or fight, Severus pushed his lover up against the wall, brutally. 'Mine,' he growled again. 'And now I'm going to show you.'